Original subtitles

[♪♪]

You can send me two pounds of cooking onions,

two pounds of butter, a head of lettuce,

and 60 cans of wax beans.

Yeah, that’s right, 60. Thank you.

Hi. They’re having a sale on wax beans.

Three cents off a can. By buying 60 cans, I save $1.80.

It also takes care of our wax bean-buying

for the next 14 or 15 years.

Are you making fun of me?

Of course not.

It just proves that you’ve achieved the epitome

in mortal housewife logic.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Oh, hi, Mom.

Where’d I put the scissors?

Sure. She wants to talk to you.

Oh.

Uh, hello, Mrs. Stephens.

What a pleasant surprise. Where are you?

Oh, I’m only a few minutes away.

But I thought it would be a shame not to stop in to see you

when I’m so close.

Well, gee, I, uh--

Maybe we could do a little shopping this afternoon.

I know you don’t usually have very much time for me,

but if you’re not too busy.

Uh, no, no, not at all. I was just sitting around.

Oh, good. I’ll be there in a few minutes.

[♪♪]

Oops.

Darrin, I-I’m sorry.

Honey, I know I shouldn’t have done that, but, uh,

well, your mother’ll be over any minute,

and I didn’t want her to see the kitchen a mess.

Oh, that’s okay.

What’s that?

Nothing. Just a box.

Then why are you hiding it?

It’s nothing, really.

Oh, come on. Let me see.

No. Come on. Let me see.

No. Oh, Darrin, please.

Oh, okay.

[♪♪]

"Sweetheart, a special reward for conduct above and beyond

love, honor and no witchcraft. Love, D."

Go ahead. Open it.

Well, I can’t.

I mean, I don’t deserve it.

Not after I-- Well, you know.

That was an emergency. It doesn’t count.

Go ahead. Open it.

I’ve been dying to give it to you anyway.

[♪♪]

Well, okay.

Oh. Oh, Darrin, it’s beautiful, but--

Go ahead. Put it on.

But I feel so guilty about what I did.

I’m not going to discuss it.

Besides, I’d better get over to Larry’s.

Darrin, I just can’t take it.

Force yourself.

Are you sure you don’t mind?

Positive.

It really is beautiful.

[HICCUPS]

Sam.

I didn’t do that.

Well, don’t look at me.

[HICCUP]

Now, what is that?

It’s two hiccups, a bike and a trike.

But what does it mean?

It means there is something very, very wrong.

[HICCUP]

What is very, very wrong

is that my mother will be here in a few minutes.

I know. I know.

And I was hoping just once

something weird wouldn’t be going on.

I know. I know.

You just said that.

I know. I know.

Sam.

Well?

[NARRATOR READING ON-SCREEN TEXT]

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

Sam, you have my total permission

to get rid of these bikes with witchcraft of any kind.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Hen’s teeth, frog’s hair

Bat feathers And a round square

What came here Without permission

Return now To your first condition

Darrin, there must be a short circuit in my powers.

I’d better call Dr. Bombay.

That clown? That fraud? I won’t have him in the house.

Which would you rather have?

Dr. Bombay in the house or your mother in an institution?

Get him right away. There’s no time to lose.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

That has to be your mother.

You answer the door. Keep her occupied.

Take her upstairs and let her play with the kids.

I’ll get Dr. Bombay.

What about these bikes?

Well, we’ll tell her we’ve given up jogging for biking.

That’s ridiculous.

You have a better idea?

Hi, Mom.

Darrin, dear.

You’re looking simply wonderful.

And, Samantha, how are you?

Just fine.

What’s all this?

Oh, we’re really into bikes. Great exercise. Right, Sam?

The greatest.

[HICCUPS]

What kind of exercise do you get from a motorcycle?

Well, first you join one of these gangs

and from then on things get pretty strenuous.

Oh, really--

[YELPS]

Where did that come from?

The bike shop.

I mean, how did it get here?

It wasn’t here a second ago.

Oh, Mother, you don’t think it just

suddenly appeared out of nowhere, do you?

Well, I...

No. No, I guess not.

Come on upstairs, Mom.

I know you’re anxious to see Tabitha and Adam.

Oh, I do hope they recognize me.

You know, I don’t get to see those children much anymore.

Oh, come on, Mom. Quit kidding.

Who’s kidding?

Darrin, you’re pushing me.

Oh, sorry, Mom.

[♪♪]

[WHISPERS] Dr. Bombay.

Calling Dr. Bombay.

Emergency. Come right away.

I hope you realize you took me away from my golf game.

That’s what you wear when you play golf?

It is when I’m playing "a round" with my nurse.

[LAUGHS]

Get it? "Around" with--

[SIGHS]

What’s the problem?

Ah, that’s the problem.

I had the hiccups, and they produced all these bikes,

and now I don’t know how to get rid of them.

[HICCUPS]

Splendid. Start again at the beginning,

while I unpack my electronic diagnostic computer machine.

Darling, come kiss Grandma, sweetheart.

Oh, what a sweet big girl.

And Adam. Isn’t he a fine big boy?

Adam, where’s your teddy bear? Hasn’t he gotten bigger?

Dr. Bombay, after I accepted the bracelet,

I hiccupped and that’s when the first bike appeared.

Let’s get on with it.

The bikes are peculiarly significant.

Oh? Uh, what--? What do they mean?

Who knows? We’ll feed the question to the computer.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[PLAYING SYNTHESIZED NOTES]

Aha. Mm-hm.

It’s obvious to the trained mind,

who has the help of a trained machine,

that when a witch promises not to do witchcraft,

it’s unnatural.

Creates an inner conflict.

Now, when you broke your promise,

your guilt feelings precipitated a crisis,

causing your subconscious to produce these bikes,

to tell you that you showed a lack of "wheel" power.

That’s ridiculous.

Ridiculous but true.

All you need is a "prank-quilizer" treatment.

Prank-quilizer?

Stops your subconscious playing pranks on you.

Right elbow.

[REVERBERATING]

Henbane Hemlock, jimsonweed

With nasturtium And hickory seed

Now her strength Shall be rebuilt

And eliminate all of guilt

Thank you, Dr. Bombay.

Think nothing of it.

And now I must get back to my nurse, Hazel.

Cute little witch. Get it? Witch Hazel.

Witch hazel.

[LAUGHING]

[CHUCKLES LIGHTLY]

Well, have fun, you two.

Goodbye, Darrin, dear. See you later.

See you later, Mom.

[HICCUPS]

Serena, you may find this hard to believe,

because I certainly do, but am I glad to see you.

Well, there’s a first time for everything, poopsie.

We need your help. Something awful has happened.

I know. Your mother arrived.

And then something good happened.

She left. Ha-ha!

Serena, please.

Earlier, Sam started hiccupping, and then she--

I know all about it, ding-dong.

Or have your forgotten I am a witch?

Right. You’re a witch, so you’d know

what made the mirror disappear, right?

Wrong. It is strictly a medical problem.

Well, now I think I’ll go up and check on the little angels.

Then, Serena, please call Dr. Bombay

and tell him what happened.

Dumbo, I am not a medical telephone exchange.

I am babysitting as a favor to Sammy.

Serena, please?

[GROANS]

Calling Dr. Bombay. Calling Dr. Bombay.

Emergency. Come right away.

Well, he should be here in an hour or so.

An hour or so?

What are we supposed to do in the meantime?

[CHUCKLING]

[♪♪]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Larry, come in. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

[CHUCKLES LIGHTLY]

Notice the smile? Very nice.

This smile you’re admiring is composed of six parts of gin

to one part of vermouth,

and the sparkle in the eyes

comes from a twist of lemon peel.

That’s a very good suggestion.

See if you can put together a smile like that for me.

What’s the matter, Darrin? Nothing.

You’re having a little hassle with Samantha, aren’t you?

No.

Then why are you so jumpy?

Yes, Serena?

Serena!

Hi, cotton-top.

Where did you come from?

The stork brought me.

[GIGGLING]

[LAUGHING]

Have you heard from Dr. Bombay yet?

Oh, he’ll be here shortly.

He’s an honorary official at an Australian racetrack.

He’s the man who says,

"Gentlemen, start your kangaroos."

[LAUGHING]

Serena, why don’t you go back upstairs and check on the kids?

I’m hip.

[♪♪]

Where’d she go?

You heard me tell her to, uh, go upstairs

and make sure the kids are all right.

Serena’s got a lot of get-up-and-go.

Oh. She must’ve taken those steps three at a time.

Suddenly I feel a great need to freshen up my smile.

Careful there, fellow.

Don’t you signal before you turn?

Larry, you remember Dr. Bombay?

Yes, uh, I’ve had the...pleasure.

If you’ll excuse us,

I, uh, wanna talk to Dr. Bombay

alone in the kitchen for a moment.

And just as she was leaving, the mirror disappeared.

That’s impossible. Couldn’t happen.

Unless, by some accident, I, uh...

I’d better recreate the incident.

Henbane, hemlock, jimsonweed

With nasturtium And hickory seed

All your strength Will be rebuilt

And eliminate all of "gilt"

Great leaping lions of limbo, what have I done?

[SPEAKING BACKWARDS]

All your strength Will be rebuilt

And eliminate all of gilt

She got a reverse-the-curse spell by accident.

Now every time she hiccups,

anything that’s gilt will disappear.

The mirror disappeared. It had a gold frame.

Exactly. Where is she?

I don’t know. She went shopping. Can you find her?

What’s that?

It’s an omnidirectional, three-dimensional, vectoring,

cadmium-shielded computer for location analysis.

A what?

An omnidirectional,

three-dimensional--

Never mind. What does it do?

It tells you which witch went which way.

But until I find her,

anything that’s gilt will disappear when she hiccups.

I can’t tell you how proud I am of Tabitha and Adam.

They’re so well-behaved.

I must admit Darrin and I are very lucky.

You know, I’d love to show them off to some of my friends.

Couldn’t I have them for just one weekend, alone?

Why, yes, of course.

Oh, good. What about next weekend?

Well, next weekend I’m afraid--

Oh, then what about the weekend after?

[HICCUP]

Samantha?

Hm?

Oh, oh, uh, that would be fine.

Oh, good.

What’s that?

It’s a witch hunter, of course.

It’s an invention of Dr. Bombay’s.

It, uh, points out suspected liberals.

Do you mind?

You’re standing right in the middle

of the ectoplasmic vortex.

Oh.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, I just came out to announce a bucket of martinis.

Thank you. I don’t mind if I do.

Let me know if the arrow stops,

or you’ll go right to the bottom of my emergency list.

Oh, Samantha, look at this.

Ooh, that’s pretty.

Oh, Samantha, wouldn’t you love to have this?

I haven’t worn out my old emerald yet.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[HICCUP]

Doing a little shopping, ladies?

Oh, run along, young man.

You’re too young for me and too old for her.

Or should we call the store detective?

Oh, you’re a cutie, you are.

You two kind of admired that necklace, didn’t you?

What necklace?

It’s gone.

All right.

Hand it over, grandma.

You think I took it?

One of you did.

[SIGHS] Excellent.

I haven’t had a drink as good as that since Thursday.

Thursday? So am I.

Let’s have another drink.

Dr. Bombay? The arrow stopped.

Ah, good. Excuse me.

Mm.

Aha. Now, this should only take a few minutes.

Now, then, we can save a lot of time

if you’ll just hand over the necklace quietly.

Officer, did you see either one of us take it?

It was there until you two passed by,

and then it was gone.

Well, that doesn’t mean we took it.

It just means it disappeared.

I guess I’ll have to talk to you separately.

Don’t touch me.

Don’t give him anything but your name,

rank and serial number.

Darrin. What are you doing here?

That’s what I’d like to know.

Must have got caught in my jet stream. Sorry.

Sam, what’s going on?

Well, for one thing, your mother the shoplifter

is being grilled by a detective.

Dr. Bombay--

I know. I had the wrong diagnosis.

The reason the bicycle and the tricycle appeared

was to show you that your problem was not only logical,

but "cycle" logical.

Dr. Bombay, can you reverse the spell?

Of course I can. But you must stop

feeling guilty about doing witchcraft.

Right elbow.

[REVERBERATING]

Henbane, hemlock Jimsonweed

With nasturtium And hickory seed

Reverse these things Which are neurotic

With the broad-spectrum Anti-idiotic

I’m all right again.

And put that back again.

And the things that disappeared earlier will pop back soon.

I think I hear people in the outer office,

but that’s impossible.

Huh. You think we took that necklace,

and that’s impossible too.

[♪♪]

And now, if you don’t mind, Samantha,

I’d like to get back to my nurse.

We’re going skin diving.

Thought we might sea horse around.

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHTER SUBSIDES]

[SIGHS]

I’d better send you home.

Yeah. Larry’s there, probably going bananas.

Darrin? This is your captain speaking.

Where are you?

Larry, where have you been? Oh!

I’ve been looking all over for you,

and I couldn’t find you everywhere.

I think I’d better go home and take a nap.

Good idea.

DETECTIVE: Whoa! [CRASH]

You know what I think?

I think that necklace is right back where it was.

Lady, you’re dealing with a professional detective--

And I think we ought to take another look just to make sure.

Are you sure you don’t want me to drive you home?

Are you kidding? I’m fine.

Before I go home and have a nap,

I think I’ll have one here first.

[♪♪]

Ladies, I apologize.

I guess I’ve been on this job too long.

We understand.

Thank you, ladies.

Oh, but you’re right. It was there.

And then it wasn’t there. I saw it too.

I mean, I saw it not there.

Lady, let’s not rub it in.

But-- Mrs. Stephens,

that was mean, telling him you saw the necklace wasn’t there.

Well.

Well, for falsely accusing us,

I think he deserved a little meanness.

Yeah, I guess you’re right.

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

Sam.

Where’s my mother?

I dropped her off at her place.

She didn’t feel like driving.

Why? What happened at the department store?

Believe me, sweetheart, a good night’s sleep,

and she’ll be back to normal.

Swell.

Where’s Larry? He went home.

But his car’s still in the driveway.

He walked home.

After what he went through here,

he didn’t feel up to driving either.

Oh. Well, look at it this way:

We’re helping to cut down on air pollution.

I thought I heard the dulcet tones of mortal bickering.

You cool, Sammy? I’m fine.

Well, in that case, I think I’ll cut out.

I have a date to play chess.

Since when have you taken up chess?

Since I found a set with real kings.

[SERENA GIGGLES]

So long, Tall, Dark and Boring.

Serena, one of the things I like best about you

is saying goodbye.

You sure like to kid around, don’t you?

Well, suppose I make it even easier for you?

Serena!

Now he can kid around all he likes. Ciao, Sammy.

[BLEATING] Oh, sweetheart, you’re right.

That was a rotten thing for Serena to do.

Oh.

Well, I can’t do anything about her spells.

We’ll just have to wait until she cools off and comes back.

Yes. Huh? Huh?

In the meantime?

Well, how would it be--?

How would it be if I got you a little cart to pull?

[BLEATS]

Oh, sweetheart, watch your language.

What if the children heard you talk like that?

[BLEATS]

Oh, you do?

[♪♪]