Original subtitles

[♪♪]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

SAMANTHA: Okay, okay, come on.

Come on. Morning swim is over.

Here, sweetheart. You hop out here and grab this.

Mommy, are we ever gonna have a real pool?

Yes, when we can afford the right kind.

What kind is that? The kind we can afford.

Oh. Goodness. He’s all dripping wet.

Now, I’ll tell you what. You take-- Oopsie.

You take Adam upstairs, get him dried off,

and get ready for breakfast, okay?

Okay.

Boy, I’d love that. A big, beautiful pool.

I heard that.

I heard that poor child gasp for water.

Good morning, Mother.

To think my grandchildren,

who are honor-born to ride the wings of the wind.

To think my grandchildren would be found swimming

in this Olympic-size rubber band.

It’s just too disgusting.

What else is new?

Oh. Well, if it isn’t El Cheapo.

Good morning, El Moutho.

[HISSES]

Okay, you two, n-now, stop that.

Uh, sweetheart, would you please empty the pool?

I’m gonna take the kids shopping,

and we won’t be needing it for the rest of the afternoon.

[♪♪]

How can that miserly husband of yours

allow my grandchildren to spend another summer

sweltering in the unbearable heat?

Mother, we don’t exactly live

at the corner of Sahara and Equator,

so will you stop ranting?

As you wish, my darling.

But my grandchildren shall have what they want.

[MAGIC CHIMES]

[WATER SPLASHING]

Mother, what did you do?

About what?

Did you pop a pool into our back yard?

Why?

Darrin’s out there.

[♪♪]

I was out there.

But I just came in with the tide.

Mm. Hi. Mother got rid of the pool.

Isn’t that nice? One down, one to go.

I won’t have time for breakfast, Sam.

My morning swim made me a little late for work.

Oh, but you look so refreshed.

Well, under this calm, refreshed exterior,

is a burning urge to invite you to a lynching, Endora. Yours.

No one seems to appreciate me.

Mother, it isn’t as if we don’t appreciate you.

We will get our own pool with our own money

when we can afford it.

Which will probably be never.

Keep your cool, sweetheart.

I’ll be out of the office most of the day.

Larry and I have appointments all over town.

And when I come home, if your mother isn’t here,

I won’t exactly be disappointed.

Don’t worry, she won’t be here.

Mm.

[NARRATOR READING ON-SCREEN TEXT]

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

LARRY: All in all, we didn’t do badly.

We’re in with the Patterson account

and Pridewell is a definite maybe.

DARRIN: With the new approach, we can still land the Cushman Restaurant account too.

If you fellas are gonna talk any longer,

I’m gonna have to put my meter down again.

Ah. I didn’t realize we were at the office.

Time stands still when he counts money in the bank. Heh-heh-heh.

Oh, Darrin, take care of the cab, will you?

I just remembered I’m expecting a call from the coast.

Oh. Thanks a lot.

[♪♪]

Here, keep the change. Ah. Thanks, thanks.

Hey! You forgot something.

Just what I need, one more thing. Heh-heh.

Just shove it under the arm here. Okay.

Thank you. Right.

[♪♪]

Yes, Darrin?

Uh. Larry, did you leave something in the cab?

I don’t know. Did you find something?

If you left it behind.

If I left it behind and you found it, I must have lost it.

Or let me put it another way. What are we talking about?

I’m asking you if you left an envelope in the cab.

Well, what’s in it?

Hold on.

[♪♪]

Hello? Darrin?

Darrin?

Uh. Yes.

Well, what is it?

What is what?

What you found.

What I found?

Oh, you’re asking what I found.

It’s, uh... It’s, uh...

It’s a not yours.

What?

Uh, it’s just a, um, message from my mother-in-law.

How sweet.

Does she often send you little notes?

Oh, yeah.

Big ones too.

[♪♪]

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Oh, hi, Darrin.

Wanna hear something funny? Sure.

Really funny? Yeah.

Hilarious, in fact?

Uh-oh. It’s getting funnier every second.

You’re not going to believe it.

Sweetheart, I love the way you come right to the point.

Uh, maybe I can help you.

It has something to do with Mother, right?

Right.

We said we wouldn’t put in a pool until we could afford it,

so she conveniently zapped up a plain, unmarked envelope

with I don’t know how many thousands of dollars in it.

Uh, where did she zap it up?

In the cab.

I would appreciate it if you get hold of her,

and tell her to zap it out of my life.

We’re not interested.

Y-yeah. Okay, sweetheart. Bye.

Mother!

Mother, is it possible

that you could be lurking somewhere nearby?

I never lurk. What’s your problem?

Mother, that wasn’t funny. What?

It wasn’t funny at all.

I don’t know what you’re talking about.

As a matter of fact, it was insulting.

You must have a pretty low opinion of Darrin

to think that he wouldn’t see through

something so obvious.

You’re quite right about my opinion of Durwood,

but if you don’t tell me what this is all about,

I shall scream and shatter glass all over Westport.

Darrin found a ton of money in a taxi.

Wonderful.

I hope he found enough to get his parched children a pool.

He found enough to get them an entire ocean.

And I will thank you to zap it back where it came from.

You know I always take credit where credit is due,

and once in a while, where it isn’t.

But in this case,

if I were to do such a thing, I would be much more clever.

That feeble zap was not mine.

Witch’s honor?

Witch’s honor.

Well, if you didn’t leave the money in the cab,

who did?

[♪♪]

Are you the gentleman that called the dispatcher?

It was I. Oh, yeah. Two rides ago.

First time anything like that ever happened to me.

Somebody calling the dispatcher requesting my services.

You give a very smooth ride. Thank you.

Where to? Uh. Nowhere.

Oh, I get it. You lost something?

Yes. Something very dear to me.

Something I want back badly.

I know the guy that’s got it.

[♪♪]

That’s him.

Follow him.

Follow him? Why?

Why don’t you just go over and ask for the envelope?

This area is too crowded.

To ask a fella for an envelope?

There’s so much noise,

maybe he wouldn’t be able to hear me.

Follow him.

[♪♪]

That’s a lot of money.

One hundred thousand dollars. I counted it.

[♪♪]

This guy lives at 1164 Morning Glory Circle.

I’m going in there now after the money.

If something should happen to me, you know.

Anyway, I need you to pick me up.

Hey, don’t get so heavy about it. Nobody’s perfect.

Hm.

At first, I hoped the money was counterfeit.

But I took $100 bill down to the bank, and no such luck.

Your mother must have zapped it out of a Federal Reserve Bank.

Darrin, I know my mother is not responsible.

She gave me her witch’s honor.

Her witch’s honor is like getting the Boy Scout salute

from Benedict Arnold.

Darrin, you’re acting very flaky.

May I join you?

I love to watch him go to pieces.

I’m glad you’re here, O weird one.

Samantha, let me change him into a ripe melon

in a field of fruit flies.

Never mind that.

Just zap this money back where it came from.

I don’t know where it came from.

Now, I better be leaving, Samantha,

before I make him get down on all four knees and apologize.

Four knees?

He’ll be a billy goat.

Sam, can’t you send it back?

Darrin, did you ever think of the possibility

that this money might have been lost by someone?

I called the lost and found at the cab company.

Somebody lost an umbrella with a rib missing,

and some lady lost a pair of gloves.

But nobody lost an envelope

with enough money in it to choke a horse.

That’s it.

That’s the answer to whose money it might be.

A horse lost it?

A horseplayer or a bookie.

Or, who knows, maybe even a gangster

who’d be afraid to report the loss.

Oh, come on, Sam. I mean, gangsters?

What you won’t think of to defend your mother.

Darrin, you’re overreacting.

I know Mother’s been a problem in the past,

but believe me, this incident is not her work.

How can you be so sure?

Unless it’s because you--

What?

Oh, no, you wouldn’t have done it.

Darrin, are you accusing me?

I didn’t accuse you.

Oh, yes, you did.

You’re being obstinate, stubborn,

childish and pigheaded.

Terrific. You didn’t leave out anything.

Oh, yes, I did.

You are being intractable, obtuse,

unyielding and pigheaded.

You used that one already.

Well, there are just a few more I may use again,

so I think I’d better go out

and get some air for a little while.

Thank you very much.

My pleasure.

And I hope nobody comes for it.

Where are you going? I don’t know.

I may go to a movie, I may go and visit Louise,

I may go to the moon.

But wherever I go, I will have better company than here.

[♪♪]

Here, keep the change. Ah, thanks.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[♪♪]

How do you do? How do you do?

What can I do for you? My name is Rudolph Kosko.

"Rudolph Kosko. Public relations and advertising."

What a coincidence. I’m in advertising too.

Heh. We have something else in common: the envelope.

The envelope?

Yes, the one the cab driver found and gave to you.

It’s a very special envelope in that it contains $100,000

of which I am very fond.

Oh, that envelope. Heh.

Yes. Well, if you’ll just give it to me, I’ll be on my way.

Uh, I’m afraid I can’t do that.

J-j-just who do you think you are?

I am somebody who,

when you use an ill-considered tone to me,

you do something more courageous than you realize.

Well, what are you trying to say?

I’m saying I want my $100,000 back,

and I don’t want any complications.

Oh, there are no complications. Good.

Except for one. One little complication.

I don’t have the money.

I mean, it’s around, but it’s not.

One little complication.

Where is it?

My wife has it, but she’s not here.

Where is she?

Well, she might be anywhere. The movies, the moon.

[LAUGHING]

If that’s supposed to be funny, I don’t get it.

Call your wife.

I wouldn’t know where to start.

I’ll start by calling Louise.

Yeah, you do that.

[DIALING]

Louise.

Hello, Louise. Look, I know Sam isn’t there yet,

but as soon as she comes--

What?

Oh, the kids are fine. Look, as soon as she walks in--

I’m fine too.

And my mother is fine. Look, Louise,

as soon as Sam gets there, tell her to call me.

She’s not there yet. Heh-heh-heh.

[♪♪]

Men. They’re all alike.

Darrin called and sounded like

he was having a nervous breakdown.

Oh, what a performance.

Well, I don’t blow up at Darrin often,

but this time he really asked for it.

[RINGS]

That’s him again.

Yes, Darrin?

Oh, she’s here,

but I’m not sure she wants to talk to you.

Yes, I do.

Shh. Let him stew for a while.

I’m sorry, Darrin, but you’ll just have to call back.

Louise.

Well, let him cook till he’s well-done.

You wouldn’t have understood him anyway. He’s so incoherent.

Incoherent about what?

Oh. Something about somebody coming over for the money,

life or death.

It’s always life or death.

Louise, I appreciate what you’re trying to do,

but it sounds like there might be something wrong.

[DOOR OPENS]

Mr. Kosko, I’m so glad you showed up.

I knew that money belonged to someone.

Heh. It usually does, and I’d like to have it back.

Well, now, I-I don’t know if I should.

I mean, you must admit it was rather careless of you.

I mean, $100,000 is a lot of money

to leave in the back of a cab, or anywhere.

Except a bank.

Lady, I know it’s a lot,

but since we’re approaching the dinner hour,

let us conclude our little transaction

without further stalling.

Sam, why don’t you just whip out the money

and give it to Mr. Kosko?

Yeah, well, I will, but I want to ask him something first.

Mr. Kosko, where did you get all that money?

I got it selling Girl Scout cookies,

and I’d like it back now.

Now.

Come on, Sam. I’m sure Mr. Kosko

has a lot more cookies to sell.

He’s a very busy man.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

This is a very busy house.

[♪♪]

Who are you?

I’m associated with Mr. Kosko.

This is Mr. Braun.

Oh, I get it.

You’re the brains and you’re the Braun.

Hey, that’s not bad. I’ll use that.

I don’t get it. [DOORBELL RINGS]

Ever thought of putting in a revolving door?

Heh-heh.

Darrin, I’ve put together some rough layouts

on the Cushman account.

Using women’s lib--

Oh, I didn’t know you had guests.

Hi, Larry. Sam.

This is Mr. Kosko and Mr. Braun.

Of Kosko and Braun,

public relations and advertising.

Kosko and Braun,

public relations and advertising.

If I didn’t know I could count on your loyalty,

I’d suspect you were negotiating with another company.

Oh, I’m not negotiating with them.

They’re, um, negotiating with me.

And to think I ran over here as a pal,

offering you ideas for the Cushman account.

Larry, they’re not even in advertising.

They just advertise they’re in advertising.

Well, what business are they in?

Money.

I-it’s a long story, Larry,

but that envelope I told you about this morning

had money in it, and--

You mean you took money from them already?

I’ll explain later.

I can give a bonus too.

How much money was in that envelope?

Larry, will you let me explain later?

No, no. I’ll give you a 15 percent raise right now.

Forget it.

I’m not leaving until I know where we stand.

Darrin...

Take it.

I’ll take it.

Larry, we were here first.

And a $2500 bonus. I’ll take it.

Good.

[CHUCKLES]

That’ll teach you to try to steal my employees.

Sam.

Ungh! I’ll see you tomorrow.

[♪♪]

You work for that fruitcake?

Mm-hm.

Well, shall we proceed?

Without a doubt.

Well, Sam, get them the money.

Okay, but you’ll have to turn around.

What for?

I don’t want you to see where my hiding place is.

Let’s turn around.

You too. It’s her hiding place.

Right.

Gentlemen.

I’m having a little trouble

remembering where my hiding place is.

Would this, uh, jog your memory?

Oh, now, wait a minute.

Lady, the boys don’t like

having their collections tampered with.

The boys?

The boy--

We want our money, and we want it now.

Would you consider a check?

I’m gonna count to three.

Sam, give them the money.

I’m counting. One, two...

[MAGIC CHIMES]

Hey, what’s going on here?

Something weird’s happening.

Lady, did you do something sneaky?

[MAGIC CHIMES]

[SIREN WAILING]

MAN: Okay, we know you’re in there, Kosko, Braun.

Come out with your hands up. The house is surrounded.

[MAGIC CHIMES]

[SIRENS WAILING]

Sounds like the whole police force is outside.

[MAGIC CHIMES]

MAN: Come on out, Kosko, Braun.

Gladly. Anything to get out of this crazy place.

We’re coming peacefully.

See? We’re unarmed.

[♪♪]

You know something, Kosko? I think we’re going bananas.

[SIREN WAILING]

[♪♪]

Oh, am I glad you fellas happened by.

We just didn’t happen by.

We heard all the sirens. We thought something was up.

Like I always say,

police are always around when you need them.

Officer, these gentlemen

are members of some boys’ club who make collections.

Maybe you’d like to see what they’ve collected.

And you seemed like such a nice lady.

Officer, we didn’t do nothing, honest.

Who said you did anything honest?

Hey, there’s a lot of loot here.

Come on. Let’s go downtown and do a lot of talking.

Come on.

[♪♪]

Sweetheart, I’ll never doubt you again.

And I’m sorry for the--

It was all part of a master plan.

Master plan? Yes.

To give Larry a reason for offering you

a 15 percent raise and a $2500 bonus.

Is that true?

No. But it would have been rather clever.

[♪♪]

All right, Larry, all right. If you insist.

See you in the morning.

Is that Larry Tate a beautiful person?

Is he one of the great people of the world?

I told him the truth about Kosko and Braun.

And do you think he’d back down on the raise

and the six-week vacation?

He would. He did.

Because you’re a yo-yo.

Well, the bad fairy is here again.

Mother, you missed a fair share of excitement.

Would I miss it?

Figures. Snoopy wouldn’t miss a thing.

But dum-dum here has the brain of a dropout guppy.

Why did you tell Larry Tate the truth?

He need never have known.

Darrin would know.

Ick, ick, ick.

It’s an act of sheer stupidity.

Maybe it was stupid, but I love him for it.

What?

Oh. Oh, sweetheart, you know what I didn’t mean.

[♪♪]