Original subtitles

[♪♪]

Marital Unrest?

Why’d you buy a book about that?

I didn’t.

Louise Tate insisted upon lending it to me.

Why?

She says it tells what you and I are in for.

It’s about boredom in marriage.

Sam, in our marriage,

boredom will never be a problem.

Hm. Thank you.

I’ll pretend that was a compliment.

Louise insisted I read the first chapter, which I just did.

The author says that after several years of marriage,

it’s common for husbands and wives

to feel they’d rather be married to somebody else.

What does he recommend,

therapeutic divorce?

Not in Chapter 1. He merely describes the problem.

Well, is that how you feel?

Of course not.

Good. That’s not how I feel either.

So let’s go to sleep. Okay.

Mwah.

[♪♪]

Darrin, I’m really concerned about Louise.

I mean, she wouldn’t have insisted I read--

Sam.

Well...

[♪♪]

[ALARM CLOCK RINGING]

[ALARM STOPS]

Okay, sleepyhead, time to get up.

Larry?

What are you doing here?

I live here.

Me your husband, Larry.

You my wife, Louise.

Remember?

I know you Larry,

but-- But me, Louise?

What’s the matter, Louise? Were you having a bad dream?

No. But I think I’m having one now.

Louise, I warned you.

In the future, no more apricot brandy before bedtime.

[MOUTHS] What...?

[♪♪]

[NARRATOR READING ON-SCREEN TEXT]

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

Louise, if it isn’t asking too much,

I’d like my breakfast.

I’m sorry, Larry, but there seems to be a short circuit

in somebody’s witchcraft.

Well, I still look like Samantha.

And I still sound like Samantha.

But Larry thinks I’m Louise.

So the next question is, where is Louise?

The question after that is, does Darrin know I’m gone?

Well, I’d better check on that.

[♪♪]

DARRIN: Sam?

LOUISE: Yes, Darrin?

How about some breakfast?

Oh, okay.

LOUISE: Darrin, for some reason,

my bathrobe and slippers seem tight on me.

Well, maybe you gained some weight.

In my feet?

I don’t know. You look the same to me.

Honey, get moving, huh?

Oh.

Come on. I’m gonna be late for work.

Okay.

[♪♪]

[WHISPERING] Mother. Mother.

Yes, my child?

You recognize me.

Well, is that unusual?

I’ve known you hundreds--

Mother, uh, never mind.

Something very weird has happened.

Oh? Yes.

Larry Tate thinks I’m his wife, Louise.

And Darrin and Louise think Louise is me.

La-la-la. Sounds exciting.

Well, now, I-- I-- I look and talk exactly like me

and Louise looks and talks exactly like her,

but not to them. Is that clear to you?

Perfectly.

Good. Then explain it to me.

It must be a form of transfiguration.

Huh?

It’s a metaphysical molecular disturbance

that’s put in force by a witch.

Now, you and I are immune to it

because we are witches.

But as dreary mortals, Durwood and the Tates are not.

I remember when you were a child,

there was a similar mix-up

in which you couldn’t tell the difference

between your father and a rhinoceros.

Mother, this is no time for family anecdotes.

I have Larry frozen in his bedroom.

Maybe I should put everybody in the freezer

until I can figure this out.

The entire mortal world?

No, I guess that wouldn’t work.

Dr. Bombay.

Oh, Mother, please.

Oh-- Oh, find him and send him to me as soon as you can.

Well, yes, dear, I’ll try.

But don’t be too upset.

Why not?

Well, keep an open mind.

Give Larry Tate a chance.

He may be a better husband for you.

After all, he can’t be any worse.

Mother, did anyone ever tell you

you have a fantastic sense of humor?

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, frequently.

[TITTERS]

Well, they were wrong.

Louise, what was I saying?

I-- I seem to have lost my train of thought.

You’re dressed.

Yes, do you like it?

But a second ago, you were in your nightgown.

Weren’t you?

Larry, I think maybe you should lay off

those after-dinner stingers.

[♪♪]

Oh, Jon, you haven’t finished your milk.

You’re staring at me.

Why?

I don’t know.

[♪♪]

Okay, Jon, let’s go.

Are you taking him to the office with you?

I’m dropping him at school like I always do.

What made you think I was taking him to the office?

[CHUCKLING]

Uh, well, it was just a joke.

He’s so big and strong,

I thought he was ready to go to work.

Uh-huh.

I’ll go get my books.

Mm.

Uh, h-have-- Have a nice day.

You too.

A handshake?

Since when does a wife

send her husband into the rat race with a handshake?

Mwah.

That’s better.

That’s the kind of passion I’m accustomed to.

Ooh!

I wonder what’s new with Darrin and Louise.

[♪♪]

Have good day, sweetheart.

You too.

Mwah. See you later.

[♪♪]

Mother.

Mother?

Samantha, I found him.

[♪♪]

Dr. Bombay, is that you?

Of course.

Endora caught me clowning around with my nurse.

[LAUGHING]

Clowning around.

Did you tell him what the problem is?

Yes. I said it’s a clear-cut case

of metaphysical molecular disturbance.

But I don’t take the diagnosis of a laywitch.

Samantha, over here.

Stand on your left foot.

Place your right pinkie on your nose.

Take your right foot in your left hand.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Now repeat after me:

Willy Warlock walked away with Wally Walrus.

Willy Warlock walked away with Wally Walrus.

Again.

Will-- Willy Warlock walked away with Wally Walrus.

Thank you.

That’s my favorite tongue twister.

[LAUGHS]

[SIGHS] Nothing.

Endora, good guess.

BOTH: Metaphysical molecular--

Unquestionably.

Naturally, she doesn’t have it.

She’s a cosmic carrier.

It’s one of those fortunate ailments

that only affects mortals that have had contact with witches.

Can you cure them?

You’re the one who’s sick.

They were innocent bystanders

hit by a stray shot of witchcraft.

Our only hope is to treat you, thereby curing them.

Not before you get rid of that ridiculous costume.

Hm, it is a little unprofessional, isn’t it?

Do you play the harmonica?

No, but-- But I’m-- I’m a fast learner.

Good. Play eight bars

of "Pop Goes the Cosmos" out of tune.

That will force your molecules back in tune.

It’s a special harmonica

coated with a combination of medically tested ingredients.

[PLAYING TUNE OF "POP GOES THE WEASEL"]

That should do it. [CLEARS THROAT]

Well, I’ll-- I’ll go visit Louise and see if it worked.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi, there.

Oh, Louise. What a pleasant surprise.

Uh-oh. No dice. I beg your pardon?

I-- I said, so nice.

So nice to see you too.

Well, come on in.

I’d love to. Believe me, I would love to,

but, uh, I have to go.

You-- You just got here.

Well, I-- I shouldn’t have come over without calling,

so-- So I-- I don’t want to intrude.

Bye-bye, Samantha.

Bye, Louise.

It didn’t work.

I know, I just tried.

Huh? No, I-- I mean Louise still thinks I’m her and she’s me.

Hm? Hm!

Those molecules must be more disturbed

than I anticipated.

That’s one on you, isn’t it?

I’ll have to concoct a potion.

Doctor, concoct quickly.

I can’t, the key ingredient is the marrow

from the tooth of a saber-toothed tiger.

I shall have to go to Asia Minor for it.

I’m no longer on speaking terms with Asia Senior.

[LAUGHING]

No longer...

[SIGHS]

I need a tiger tamer, tiger tamer.

My nurse.

She really has charms to soothe the savage beast.

[BOMBAY LAUGHING]

Soothe the savage....

Oh.

Hm.

[♪♪]

Hello, Betty. Hello, Mrs. Tate.

Would you like to see Mr. Tate?

Uh, no, I-- I’d like to see Mr. Stephens.

I’m planning a surprise party.

[INTERCOM BUZZING] Yes?

Mr. Stephens?

Mrs. Tate would like to see you.

Oh? Send her in.

Go right in. Thank you.

[♪♪]

Louise.

How nice to see you.

Louise, what are you doing?

I’m trying to convey something.

Well, you succeeded.

But since you’re married to my friend and business associate,

I’ll ignore it.

Now, uh, what else can I do for you?

Uh, let’s sit down, Darrin.

I have some important news for you.

Darrin, I know that your wife is a witch.

You know what?

Samantha Stephens is a witch.

[CHUCKLING] Oh, come on, Louise,

that’s ridiculous.

Uh, there are no such things as witches.

Sweetheart, I-- I know this is hard for you,

but the reason I know Samantha is a witch

is because I am Samantha.

I-- I may look like Louise to you

but that’s because I caused something

called a metaphysical molecular disturbance.

Well, Louise, you certainly have a vivid imagination.

[SIGHS] Okay.

Um, see if this gesture rings a bell with you.

[ALL DINGLING]

It’s-- It’s impossible.

Would you like them to play "Melancholy Baby"?

Sam, it is you.

What happened?

It’s not my fault.

And Dr. Bombay is working on a potion

to bring everything back to normal.

So, uh, don’t be furious.

Just mildly annoyed.

Mildly annoyed?

Okay, very annoyed.

Well, if I thought you were Louise,

what do Louise and Larry think?

They think I’m Louise too, and they think Louise is me.

So while we’re waiting for Dr. Bombay,

all we have to do is...

Is what?

...Is not let the Tates find out.

And the best way to do that is go along with the gag.

Some gag.

We’ll invite them to our house for dinner.

Sort of a surprise party for Larry.

And if Dr. Bombay has come up with a potion by then,

fine, we’ll have a perfectly nice evening.

If not, we’ll stay up all night talking.

Darrin--

Louise, what are you doing here?

Uh, well-- Well, what a shame, Louise.

[CHUCKLING] He spoiled it.

Spoiled what?

Your surprise party

at Darrin and Samantha’s tonight.

My surprise party?

[CHUCKLES]

What’s the occasion?

There is no occasion.

That’s what makes it a surprise.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Uh, now, uh, what is it you wanted to see me about?

Oh.

I forgot.

[LAUGHS]

[♪♪]

Hi, Darrin.

Hi, Larry. Hi, Louise.

Darrin. Surprise.

Oh, hi, Sam. Larry.

Well, uh, come on in. Hm.

Uh, Louise, would you mind giving me help in the kitchen?

A pleasure. I’ll get you a drink.

Okay. Martini, extra dry.

Louise, you hate martinis.

Oh-- Oh, yes.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, that’s just another one of tonight’s surprises.

She gets mean when she drinks martinis.

Samantha? Hm?

How are Tabitha and Adam?

Oh, they’re fine. They’re asleep.

Oh, Louise, thank goodness you’re here.

I really could use some help getting dinner ready.

I don’t know why, but I just can’t seem to get organized.

It’s been like that all day.

That happens to me sometimes.

In your own kitchen? Mm-hm.

I’ll make the salad.

Thanks, Louise. I’ll set the table.

[♪♪]

[WHISPERING] Mother? Mother?

Yes, my darling?

Have you heard from Dr. Bombay?

Not a word. Oh.

Maybe all the saber-toothed tigers are in hibernation.

Maybe he is too, with his nurse.

Shall I still look for him?

Yes, please.

[SIGHS]

I have a feeling this is going to be an interesting,

long, dull,

interesting party.

There. That does it.

That’s it. Four spades.

Game and rubber.

Let’s play another. Yeah, let’s.

It’s 11:30.

Oh, the night’s young.

Louise, I’m all bridged out.

How many rubbers have we played?

Eight. Each team won four.

Well, let’s go for the championship.

Whoever wins, uh, six rubbers first.

That’s a marvelous idea.

Louise, Samantha said she had enough.

Darrin, you and I have to go to work tomorrow.

Good night, Sam, and thanks for a lovely--

Wait.

Uh, Larry, you can’t eat and play bridge and run.

It’s your surprise party.

It wouldn’t be polite to Darrin and Sam.

Louise, the polite thing is to leave at a decent hour.

Right, Sam?

Well, it is getting pretty late.

Oh, I-- I-- I have another idea.

Uh, let’s play a word game.

Now, s-see-- See if you know the answer to this.

What’s black and white and red all over?

A newspaper.

Wrong.

Samantha, do you know the answer?

No.

Uh, try me, Louise.

What’s black and white and red all over?

Uh, an American flag with a lot of mistakes.

Ha.

Wrong. Oh, okay.

What is black and white and red all over?

A zebra with a sunburn.

[LAUGHING] That’s very clever, Louise.

But if you don’t mind, I’m tired.

Let’s go home and go to bed.

Um, Samantha, is there any more coffee?

Yes, but it’s cold.

Marvelous, I’ll have some ice coffee.

I’ll-- I’ll get it.

I don’t know what’s gotten into Louise.

She’s been acting strange all day long.

Mother?

Yes, darling?

Toughest safari I’ve ever been on.

My nurse doubled as supply bearer,

but she said my behavior was unbearable.

[LAUGHING] Shh!

Unbearable...

Is that the potion?

Yes, it is.

Marrow of tooth of saber-toothed tiger

eye of newt, toe of frog,

wool of bat, and dietetic cola.

Sounds rather bland, but perhaps it’ll work.

It has to. We’re running out of conversation.

Mm. Ooh, that’s terrific.

Sam, I know you and Darrin are tired.

And I apologize for Louise’s behavior,

but I’ve learned through the years

it’s better not to fight it.

Larry, don’t be silly. [SIGHS]

The evening’s young.

Well, the evening may be young, but I’m not.

So if you don’t mind.

But it didn’t work.

Metaphysical molecules remain disturbed.

Me too.

Well, I-- I don’t understand. I--

Samantha, was there something about last night

you didn’t tell me?

I don’t think so.

Unless...

Unless what?

I seem to recall having a dream.

A dream? Re-create it for me.

I can’t.

You must. I’ll try.

Uh-- Uh, let’s-- Let’s see.

I was tossing and turning

and tossing and turning.

And it was very breezy.

And I kept hearing over and over again:

Louise, Louise,

Louise.

Well, that’s about it.

I see.

Every little breeze seemed to whisper, "Louise."

[BOMBAY LAUGHING]

[SIGHS] Oh, for Pete’s sake.

Anyway, when I woke up, I was in the Tates’ bedroom.

Naturally.

Transcendental transplant?

Dream inversion.

The molecules were not only disturbed,

they were held there by a layer of dream inversion.

Similar to smog, only healthier.

Is it any easier to get rid of?

Oh, infinitely. The potion will work

with a booster shot of an incantation.

Molecules return To your former states

Mates return To your former mates

And let Larry and Louise In mortal density

Remember not Their mistaken "idensity"

Sorry about that.

It worked. Oh, it worked.

Thank you, Dr. Bombay. [CLEARS THROAT]

You too, Mother. Yes, dear.

[♪♪]

Care to, uh, come up to my pad for a nightcap?

Forget it, sawbones.

Oh, well. Back to my nurse.

[♪♪]

Larry. Larry, wake up.

Louise, why are you shaking me?

Because it’s time to go home.

I mean, if you’re going to sleep,

home’s where you ought to do it.

Ah. Good night, Samantha, Darrin.

And thanks for a fun evening.

You have no idea.

Huh? Good night, Louise.

Thanks for dinner, Sam.

It was our pleasure.

We’ll let ourselves out.

Louise, come on. You drive.

Night-night. Night.

BOTH: Night.

[DOOR OPENS]

[SIGHS] [DOOR CLOSES]

Sam, where are you going?

Where do you think?

Upstairs, to see Adam and Tabitha and reclaim them.

Mm-mm.

Not before you reclaim me.

[CHUCKLES]

[♪♪]

[♪♪]