Original subtitles

[♪♪]

More coffee, sweetheart?

No, thanks. I’ll just finish this and get going.

Sam, how come you haven’t said a word about my tie?

I was looking for just the right word.

You don’t like it. I didn’t say that.

You do like it?

I didn’t say that either.

Well, I like it. You gotta keep up with the times, you know.

Oh, did you finish the jingle

for Colonel Brigham’s Succulent Spareribs?

Yeah. I got two pretty good ones here, if I say so myself.

I just can’t make up my mind.

ENDORA: What mind?

Well, well, well.

If it isn’t the author of:

How to Be a Shrewish Mother-In-Law.

Darrin. This is a perfect illustration

of why Durwood remains on his treadmill.

A man who can’t make up his mind never will succeed.

Endora, that criticism is unfair, unworthy and--

Uninvited.

And to show you how wrong you are,

I have just made up my mind to take my leave.

What this house needs is a keeper.

[♪♪]

Mother. Oh, Mother.

You are so exasperatingly unfair to Darrin.

And once, just once, when you come to visit,

I wish you’d leave your fangs at home.

[♪♪]

I’ll have Adam dressed in a minute.

You can play with him, okay?

I’d be delighted.

When, oh, when will you ever learn that mother knows best?

And what mother knows best

is how to prove she’s right.

Indecision now Will be your fate

In matters small And matters great

A plague of ifs And ands and buts

Will now descend And drive you nuts

Hi, dumbo.

Are you out of your tree?

What are you doing there? Get off.

Unless you’d rather stay.

On second thought, get off.

Personally, I think I make a rather dashing hood ornament.

But how would you know?

Oh, Mr. Stephens! Mr. Stephens!

I have something to discuss with you.

Can you spare a minute?

Of course.

But not really.

Well, which?

Well, actually, I should be getting to the office,

but on the other hand...

What is it you want to tell me, Mrs. Kravitz?

Well, it’s about the trash cans in the neighborhood.

Have you noticed how terrible they look on trash day?

I’m trying to get everybody to replace or paint them.

Hey-- Wow, look at the time. I’ve got to rush.

Oh-oh, but-- But I still don’t know

whether you’re for or against it.

Can’t you just spare another minute?

Of course. Take your time.

I’m in no hurry whatsoever.

You know, Mr. Stephens,

someday your sarcasm is gonna get you in trouble.

[♪♪]

[NARRATOR READING ON-SCREEN TEXT]

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

Mother? Mother? Hm.

[DOORBELL RINGS] Oh, dear.

Sweetheart, will you take him outside on the patio and play

Okay. while I answer this? Scoot.

Come on, Adam. I’ll show you how to skip rope.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Kravitz. Well, what can I do for you?

Ask not what you can do for me.

Ask what you can do for your neighborhood.

Okay. What can I do for my neighborhood?

It’s about cleaning up the trash cans in the neighborhood.

Well, that’s a good idea.

Well, I discussed this with your husband as he was leaving,

but I just couldn’t get anywhere with him.

Didn’t Darrin agree?

Well, I-- I really couldn’t tell.

He acted so strange,

like he was--

Uh, I don’t know, in a daze,

the way he kept changing his mind and--

Changing his mind?

Maybe he ought to see a doctor or something.

"Or something" is probably a better suggestion.

Uh, Mrs. Kravitz, will you excuse me?

I have an urgent matter I have to take care of.

Well, what if we paint the trash cans the same color?

Well, that’s fine with me.

Well, would you prefer yellow or--?

[♪♪]

Mother, I-I’m not accusing. I-I’m just asking.

Did you put a hex on Darrin this morning?

Ooh!

"Hex, no."

Mother, that pun is not only sick,

it is beyond help.

[ADAM CRYING]

Tabitha, behave yourself.

TABITHA: Come on, Adam.

Give me back my jump rope. Adam, will--?

Will you give Tabitha back her jump rope?

Oh, Mother, I’ll-- I’ll take care of you later.

[♪♪]

Darrin, I love these jingles you did

for Colonel Brigham’s Spareribs.

Which one do you think we ought to pitch?

Well, the one I really like is the "Pop Goes the Weasel."

But the other is very effective too, because--

I-I really can’t make up my mind.

Colonel Brigham’s going to be here in half an hour,

so let’s come to a decision.

Of-- Of course, till we actually meet him,

we’ll have to do some blind flying,

but personally, I like "The Little Piggy Goes to Market."

It’s appropriate for the product and it’s nice and safe.

Don’t you agree? Absolutely.

Good. But not necessarily.

What? Well, I mean,

I think it’s a good approach,

but on the other hand, is it?

What do you mean?

Maybe it’s a bad approach.

Darrin, don’t fall apart

just when we’re about to close in on this account.

You know, your trouble is you worry too much.

New tie, huh?

Right.

It’s a little overboard, isn’t it?

It’s okay with me.

Yes, but is it appropriate to wear

when you’re about to meet a conservative gentleman

of the old South?

A thing like this can be very damaging.

He might not say anything, but he’ll make a mental note:

"This man is not to be trusted."

Because of your tie? That’s ridiculous.

You’re right. That’s ridiculous.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Excuse me.

Where are you going?

Out to buy another tie.

[♪♪]

Oh, hi-- Hi, Betty. May I speak to him, please?

Oh, hi, Miss Stephens. He went out to buy a tie.

He did? Well, that’s funny.

He was wearing a brand-new tie when he left.

Yeah, I know. I don’t know what got into him.

I’m afraid I do.

Pardon?

Oh, uh, no-- Nothing.

Uh, maybe I’ll just come upstairs and wait for him.

Oh, are you in the building?

Uh, no. But I’m not far away.

Thanks, Betty. Bye-bye.

Aunt Hagatha?

Aunt Hagatha?

[YAWNING]

Samantha. Oh, I wish you wouldn’t do that.

I was getting 40 winks and I was only up to 35.

Oh, well, I-I’m terribly sorry, Aunt Hagatha,

but it’s an emergency.

Mother’s been interfering again, so she’s hiding out.

Now, I have to pop down to Darrin’s office

and check on something.

Adam’s taking his nap. Tabitha’s playing in her room.

And I owe you five winks.

Ooh...

[♪♪]

[MAGIC CHIMES]

Good afternoon.

This account man of yours better be pretty good.

I’m not used to waiting around for people that work for me.

Neither am I.

[CHUCKLES]

I can’t get over the fact that you are not from the South.

I wish you’d try and get over it.

Everybody makes the same mistake.

Frankly, it doesn’t amuse me.

Oh, sure.

I suppose it’s the combination of "colonel" and "spareribs."

All those Kentucky colonels, you know.

I’m a colonel. U.S. Army, retired.

Oh?

I find that fascinating.

I find it a bore.

So is waiting around for this genius of yours.

I’m sure something must have happened to him.

And for his sake, I hope so.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

I don’t really understand it.

It’s not like Darrin to be late for a meeting.

Yeah, I know.

The colonel’s here and Mr. Tate is livid.

[DOOR OPENS]

Sam, what are you doing here?

Sweetheart, I have to talk to you about something.

Mr. Stephens, the colonel is here

and Mr. Tate is pretty upset.

Oh, has he been asking for me?

Not asking. Yelling.

You’re to get your material and go right in.

Okay. Come on, Sam.

Is something wrong? Yes, with you.

I think Mother might have--

I thought you went shopping for a new tie.

I did.

But the salesman confused me

by showing me every tie he had, so I finally gave up.

What was wrong with the one you were wearing?

I thought it might be a little too daring

for a conservative man like the colonel.

That doesn’t make any sense.

Oh, yes, it does.

But not too much. But on the other hand,

you can’t overlook anything

when you’re dealing with a client,

no matter how foolish it seems.

And it seems this was pretty foolish,

so why did I do it?

Oh...

Oh-- Oh, Darrin, I was right. You are not well.

Darrin, would you please get your--?

Oh, hi, Sam. Would you care to join us?

No. What?

I mean, yes. And no.

What-- What he means is we we’re in the middle of a discussion.

So were the colonel and I,

and it was about whether

you’re going to be working here tomorrow.

Excuse us.

[♪♪]

[DOOR SHUTS]

All right, Mother.

I have had it with your interference.

If the New York Jets had it,

they could probably win the championship.

"Enjoyed your pun.

"I’m trifling with the maharajah of Janipur

and haven’t time to trifle with you."

Oh...

"P.S. Notify the Jets

I won’t be available until 5:00 this afternoon."

Ah!

Good grief, Mother, you’re driving me crazy.

[♪♪]

South Philadelphia?

It seems everyone makes the same mistake, Darrin,

so let’s not bore the colonel. Just go on.

Uh, right.

Uh, this is the layout for the campaign.

And the jingle is based on "Pop Goes the Weasel."

Now, naturally, I’m not a singer,

but I’ll do my best.

Uh, not that I can’t sing. I can. But not very well.

Darrin, get on with it.

[CLEARS THROAT]

♪ For succulent ribs That beat the best ♪

♪ You’ve got to try Colonel Brigham ♪

♪ They’re best by taste And best by test ♪

♪ Oh, how you’ll dig ’em ♪

♪ So stop by the colonel’s For a bucket of ribs ♪

♪ Give a day off to mommy ♪

♪ You’ll love them And we never tell fibs ♪

♪ "Yum," goes your tummy ♪

"’Yum,’ goes your tummy"?

Of course, that line can be changed.

Or any of the lines. Or even the melody.

No. Why? It’s catchy.

Exactly. Darrin, don’t change a thing.

Naturally, with an orchestra, it’ll be even more effective.

Right, Darrin? Right.

At least I hope so.

You, uh, seem to have some reservations.

No, no, no. I was just thinking about the other idea I had.

In some ways, it was even cuter.

It’s based on, uh,

"This Little Piggy Went to Market."

The game you play with a baby’s toes.

Hm.

Toes, spareribs? Bad image, forget it.

Would you let him go on?

Do you really like this idea?

How do I know? I haven’t heard it yet.

Well, now, Larry’s right.

Uh, I think we should go with, "’Yum,’ goes your tummy."

I don’t.

But I thought you said you liked it.

I did, but if he’s got any doubts about it,

that’s enough to kill it for me.

Well, then let me finish telling you about

"This Little Piggy Goes to Market."

No, no, no. I’m sorry. I can’t wait around here

while you think out loud.

When you make up your mind what you’re sold on,

then you can sell me.

Colonel, would you wait just a moment, please?

I want to make arrangements

to pick you up for dinner tonight.

Be right back.

[♪♪]

Congratulations.

That was one of the most beautiful pieces of sabotage

I’ve ever witnessed.

Oh, yeah? Well, let me tell you something--

I really made a mess of it, didn’t I?

Darrin, you’re not well.

Uh, Larry, if you don’t mind, I’d better go right home.

Mind? That’s the best idea you’ve had today.

Or should I stay?

Let me help you.

Go home. That’s an order.

Uh, yes, sir. On the other hand--

Darrin, I’ll try to talk the colonel

into coming over a little earlier tonight.

So you better come up with something

to replace the idea you just shot down.

I’ll do my best.

I just saw your best. You’ll have to do better.

Sam.

I had a feeling you’d be home early.

I would have been home a lot earlier,

but I couldn’t decide

whether to take the tunnel or the bridge.

And I finally decided on the bridge,

then I couldn’t decide which bridge.

I’ve been driving around for hours.

On top of everything else,

Larry is bringing the client over early.

Sam, do something!

I-I’ve been trying to reach Mother all afternoon.

Now, please, just calm down.

I’m calm, I’m calm.

For a man who’s upset, I am very calm.

I’m also very upset.

Mother.

Mother?

I-- I-- I’m gonna count to three

and I want you to show up at once, or else.

One, two, three.

Four? Five.

Or else what?

Mother, I want you to take that spell off Darrin

and don’t deny that you put one on him.

Who’s denying?

Endora, no offense,

but the more I see you, the more I like you less.

But on the other hand, you do have a warm spot for me.

Right?

That’s true.

And I wish you’d go there right now.

I’d be delighted. Mother!

Don’t you dare leave

until you've taken that spell off Darrin.

Samantha, are you ordering me?

No. I’m just suggesting...

very strongly.

Very well. I guess I’ve had my fun.

Spell’s off. There you are. No harm done.

No harm done? How would you like a necklace of fingers?

Oh, careful, sweetheart.

Don’t stop him, Samantha.

When he’s angry and his eyes flash like that,

it transforms him from a dull clod

into an angry dull clod.

Same to you, fella.

What was that?

Mother, what do you expect him to do, lie down like a lamb?

Especially when you’re so wrong about him.

He is not indecisive.

He has no trouble making up his mind.

And when he does, he rarely changes it.

You mean he’s pigheaded.

I didn’t say that.

Well, I did.

Oh!

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Oh-- Oh, Mother, that’s-- That’s--

A definite improvement.

[SQUEALING]

Uh, you’re right, sweetheart.

That is absolutely the lowest thing

Mother has ever done.

No, it isn’t. This is.

Where is he?

Outside, where the entire world can see how pigheaded he is.

Outside? You didn’t do anything outrageous

like put him on the front lawn?

What kind of a fool do you take me for?

I put him on the roof.

[CACKLES]

Oh, my stars.

[LAUGHING]

[SQUEALING]

Ooh!

Darrin, don’t you call my mother names like that.

It might make matters worse.

[SQUEALING]

That’s true. How could they be?

I’ll get you down in a moment, sweetheart.

Oh, my stars.

[CHUCKLING]

Stephens is one of those erratic geniuses.

They’re peculiar, but the end product is--

What’s the matter?

Hi, Larry.

Sam, what’s--? What’s that?

It’s Darrin.

Uh, you must be Colonel Brigham.

Uh, how do you do? I-- I’m Samantha Stephens.

You are? I mean, how do you do?

I-I suppose you’re wondering what that is all about.

Wondering isn’t quite the word.

Well, it’s Darrin’s idea for a revolving sign

to go over all your restaurants, colonel.

All-- All right, sweetheart. Revolve.

[SQUEALING]

Well, uh, actually, that--

That is just part of the whole campaign

that Darrin has devised for you, colonel.

Uh, the pig’s head will be seen on all of your TV commercials,

uh, your menus, et cetera.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Uh, that’s enough, sweetheart.

I think they’ve got the idea. You can come down now.

Shall we go inside?

By the way, how’d he get up there?

Oh, uh...

by that ladder.

Oh?

That’s funny. I didn’t notice the ladder until now.

Darrin, come on down.

We’re anxious to hear the details.

How’s that for enterprise, huh?

McMann & Tate is first in enterprise.

Yeah, well, I’ll be the judge of that.

What’s your new idea, Stephens?

Uh, well, it-it-- It’s very difficult to talk in that mask,

isn’t it, sweetheart?

So instead of talking, uh, why don’t we just go inside

and demonstrate to, uh, Larry and the colonel?

Good idea. Come.

We’ll have a drink too.

[SQUEALS]

How did you get your wife

to collaborate with you like this?

I can’t get my wife interested in spareribs.

Oh, ha-ha, you’d be surprised

how many ideas have been born in this house.

Uh, now-- Now, sweetheart, um,

do you remember where you come in?

Oh, good. Good.

♪ Colonel Brigham’s Ribs are best ♪

♪ Ee-eye-ee-eye-oh ♪

♪ They’re sweet and tender That’s no jest ♪

♪ Ee-eye-ee-eye-oh With a: ♪

[SQUEALING]

♪ Here and a: ♪ [SQUEALING]

♪ There. Here a: ♪

[SQUEALING] ♪ There a: ♪

♪ Everywhere a: ♪ [SQUEALING]

♪ Buy a bucket of ribs today ♪

♪ Ee-eye-ee-eye-oh ♪

Well?

I’ve just got one word for that.

[LAUGHS]

Look, they were just kidding around.

Weren’t you?

I hope not. I think it’s sensational.

Oh, listen, these two never kid around.

Ah, you’ve done it again, you sly fox.

Or should I say, "sly pig"?

[ALL LAUGHING]

You’re pretty good at that.

You ought to perform in the commercial yourself.

What do you think?

[SQUEALING]

Uh, why--? Why don’t you take that thing off now?

Oh, well-- Well, uh, Larry,

you know how Darrin loves to investigate details.

Well, he just wanted to see

how long an actor could stay in that mask

without too much discomfort.

Oh. Tremendous head for detail.

Hm.

But we’re going to be eating soon,

so why don’t you take it off?

Yes, and how long are you going to--?

Oh. Uh, if-- If you’ll excuse us,

we have a special fluid in the kitchen

that we remove it with.

We’ll be right back. Mm.

I am very impressed with him, Tate.

He really takes his work seriously.

Well, that’s the sort of thing I encourage at McMann & Tate.

Okay, Mother, this is it. The chips are down.

[SQUEALS] Either you show up or--

Either I show up or what?

[SQUEALS]

Either you show up or you don’t.

Mother, we have guests.

Why don’t you tell them Durwood made a pig of himself?

[SQUEALS]

M-Mother, undo your thing, and quickly.

I don’t know. I think I’m entitled

to a little apology first.

Apologize, sweetheart.

[SQUEALS]

He apologizes. I didn’t quite catch that.

LARRY: Sam?

Mother!

Oh, you didn’t tell me your mother was here, Samantha.

How are you, Endora? Very well, thank you.

Well, uh, M-Mother just dropped in unexpectedly.

And now she has to drop out.

Oh, too bad.

Anyway, thanks to your brilliant footwork, Darrin,

the account is ours.

Well, there was nothing wrong with Sam’s footwork either.

Or her singing. Thanks, Sam.

I don’t suppose I get any thanks at all.

Oh, Mother.

You’ll get yours, later.

[LAUGHS]

[♪♪]

[♪♪]