Original subtitles

[♪♪]

Look at him.

He’s a veritable bundle of ambition.

And while he snores away his life

in this abysmal poverty pocket,

your cousin is denied the rewards

of a witchly heritage.

I never did dig what Sammy dug about that dodo.

Shh.

Samantha’s coming.

What are you doing?

Trying not to wake you up.

You’re trying too hard.

Oh, sorry.

That’s okay. I don’t wanna waste my whole Saturday sleeping.

Why not? There are things I wanna do.

For instance, fix the tile coming up in the kitchen floor.

It’s fixed. I did it the other day.

I was gonna do it.

I know.

I just got tired of tripping over it.

Sweetheart, there’s something you don’t understand.

You’re not supposed to fix things around the house,

that’s man’s work.

Even if the man’s been putting it off for months?

That’s the part you don’t understand.

Putting things off is man’s work too.

Oh.

Speaking of putting things off

when do you suppose Mr. Ferguson’s

gonna trim that bush by our driveway?

It’s a real menace.

You can’t see the oncoming traffic.

I’ll do the neighborly thing.

I’ll get the shears and trim it for him.

Okay. I’ll fix you some iced tea.

Did you see what he’s done to her?

She’s not a wife,

she’s a full-time live-in maid.

You’re right, Auntie, but what can we do?

How about turning him into a warlock?

What? That’s impossible.

So what?

The impossible just takes a little longer.

I never heard of a place that was too high to fly to.

Serena, this is the top of the world.

The atmosphere is much too thin for levitation.

Well, it’s not too great for climbing either.

Hey, a-are you sure the old man of the mountain

can do the trick?

Well, if anyone can help us, he can.

He’s not only the oldest warlock in the world,

he is also the wisest.

Greetings, master.

I seek the fruit of your ancient wisdom.

My daughter is married to a mortal

who obstinately refuses to permit her

to enjoy the benefits of her witchly heritage.

I seek a spell

which will turn him into a warlock.

I think he’s asleep.

No. No, he’s reflecting.

In the thousands of years in which I have sat here

pondering the vicissitudes of the world,

one truth above all others

shines forth like a torch in a murky shadow.

What is that, master?

It doesn’t pay to interfere with your in-laws.

I beg your pardon?

What’s he smoking?

I didn’t come this far for a lecture.

Do you know a spell, or don’t you?

I’ll have to give it much thought.

A few days, a week, a month.

Fine. Serena, you can leave.

I’ll wait until he thinks of a spell.

She’s going and you’re staying?

That’s right.

I just thought of the spell.

[LAUGHS]

[NARRATOR READING ON-SCREEN TEXT]

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

Serena, you shock me.

We climbed all the way to the top of the world

to get this spell and you’re hesitating.

Don’t you want to help Samantha?

Well, sure, Auntie, but I--

All you have to do is to go back to 14th-century Ireland.

Administer this potion to Durwood’s ancestor,

Durwood the Bold.

Add three hairs from his beard, heat it,

and have him inhale the vapors.

It’s all so simple.

So he inhales the potion,

and that turns him into a warlock?

Right. That will cause a change in his cosmic chromosomes

and, simultaneously,

Dumbo will inherit the powers of a warlock.

But Sammy will ask questions.

And I’ll have the answers.

Are you ready for your journey into the past?

Okay.

Fire when ready.

Now for a little traveling music.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Night into day And day into night

Back to the past With the speed of light

To Durwood the Bold To do this spell

I wish you luck

If not, just yell

[LAUGHS]

Oh, Endora,

how infinite are thy gifts.

[♪♪]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Enter.

There’s a lady without, Master.

Without what?

Without a carriage wheel.

It came off directly in front of the castle.

How does that concern me?

It’ll take at least a day to repair.

In the meanwhile, the lady requests

the hospitality of the house.

What?

Does she take this for a hostel?

Tell her to be on her way.

Sure, I’ve done that,

but she insists on meeting the lord of the manor.

She does, eh? Gawain, you’re too soft.

There’s only one way to handle this kind of impertinent wench.

[♪♪]

You’re Darrin the Bold, right?

Right.

And you’re the little lady

who’s going to be our guest for the next few days.

[HUMS]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

I was just passing by and thought I’d enquire

if there’s any little thing you might be needing.

Well, there is something you could do for me.

Aye?

I’d like a fire in the fireplace to warm this medicine.

Now, why would a lass as healthy as yourself

have need of medicine?

I have a little

chest cold.

Sure, and it’s not medicine you want for that.

What you need

is a warm-blooded Irishman.

It is lucky for yourself

that your carriage broke down here.

A little further on,

and you’d be at the mercy

of roadway thieves,

and heaven knows what sorts of evil types.

[DOOR SHUTS]

The question is,

am I any safer here?

For my sake, I hope not.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh.

I thought you came in here to start the fire.

I am, lass.

No, that fire.

Oh, that fire.

No, I have to warm this.

Oh.

You’re a fine broth of a girl, do you know that?

Come, give us a kiss.

I don’t even know if you’re married.

Are you?

Not seriously.

[CRIES OUT]

I don’t suppose you’d care to explain why you did that.

In the land where I come from,

it’s a courting custom.

When a lady is interested in a gentleman

she plucks a hair from his beard.

If she’s very interested, she plucks two.

And if she plucks three...

Aye, what then?

Like, wow.

Sure, and I’m starting to like this custom of yours.

[CRIES OUT]

It makes it kind of a game, eh?

The suspense is killing me.

Are you gonna pluck the third?

Oh, and the saints be praised!

[♪♪]

I feel terrible strange.

Sweetheart, would you like a cold drink?

You look pale. You feel all right?

I’m fine.

I think.

How about a little iced tea?

Oh, thanks, but what I really want is some beer.

Sam, what’s the big idea?

Darrin, I-I didn’t do it.

What with you and the fire,

it is getting powerful hot in here.

I wish I had me a tankard of ale.

How--? How did that happen?

From now on,

you’re going to get anything you wish for.

Anything?

Ah.

Watch what you’re wishing for, buster.

You said I’d get me every wish.

You will, when it’s my idea.

And I’m beginning to get some ideas.

[CHUCKLES]

Sweetheart, don’t you think

you’re being a little unreasonable?

I mean, after all, the only thing that happened

was you wanted some beer, and you got it.

Sam, I like the kind of beer

that comes from the refrigerator,

not from witchcraft.

Now, which wise guy, among the many in your family

pulled this stunt?

Did it ever occur to you

that maybe someone is just trying to be nice to you?

Well, let’s find out who’s being nice

and tell them to knock it off.

Okay, I’ll try and reach Mother.

In the meantime, how about a sandwich?

We have some nice corned beef.

Yeah. A corned beef sandwich sounds great.

Sam, will you please hurry up and get your mother?

I have a feeling it isn’t Mother.

It seems to be some sort of a-a wish spell.

You get whatever you wish for.

Yeah?

Well, I wish you’d call your mother

and straighten her out.

As you wish.

Sorry. Mother!

Having a little problem, darling?

Look, Endora, just admit you did it,

and I promise not to get sore.

Darrin, let me handle this.

Mother, just admit you did it,

and we promise not to get sore.

Did you put a spell on Darrin?

I did not.

Is that the truth?

Have I ever lied to you?

Mother, I didn’t send for you to discuss your character.

Now, what’s happened is that Darrin gets

everything he wishes for.

It’s happened!

I can’t believe it!

What’s happened?

Your father told me that this might occur.

But it was just too much to hope for.

What might occur?

Oh, darling, I’m so happy for you.

What’s she talking about?

Well, th-- That’s what I’d like to know.

Don’t you understand?

It’s the first stages of wishcraft.

No! Yes.

Will you two stop discussing me like I was a piece of furniture?

What are you babbling about?

If you can muzzle him,

I do have an explanation.

Darrin, please. This is very important.

Yes, Mother?

There’s never been a marriage of witch to mortal before

so there’s no precedent for this.

But what I think has happened is that as a result

of Durwood’s constant exposure to witchcraft,

he’s been absorbing it by osmosis.

[GASPS]

And he’s turned into a warlock.

Into a what? Who? Me?

No, no, no.

No, this is-- This is some kind of a joke, right?

And a bad joke at that.

Darrin, please calm down.

Mother, I think you ought to leave us now.

I think this is a very delicate time.

Samantha, this is a time for rejoicing.

We’ll start rejoicing after you leave.

[SCOFFS]

Sam, I never figured on anything like this.

I mean, I-- I don’t think I can be something I’m not.

I can’t live by whipping up this and zapping up that,

and wishing up who knows what.

Sweetheart, l-let me try and explain something

that might make you feel better.

Okay, but I doubt it.

Well, a-as time goes by

and you mature--

What?

Well, I-I mean, as your wishcraft matures

and you develop better control over your powers,

all that accidental wishcraft will stop.

I was right. I don’t feel better.

Sam, are you sure this isn’t some kind of a trick?

Not entirely.

Why don’t you go outside and finish trimming that bush?

I’ll try and get to the bottom of this.

That dumb bush is the least of our problems.

I wish I’d never seen it.

I don’t know.

What I need is to be sitting quietly in a bar,

trying to figure this out.

Hey, where’d you come from?

Just dropped in.

Well, uh,

it was nice of you to bring your own beer.

[♪♪]

Hello, is this the Elbow Room cocktail lounge?

Could you tell me if there’s a Darrin Stephens there, please?

Oh, sure, I’ll hold on.

Hi, coz. What’s going down?

Serena, am I glad to see you.

Uh, he’s not? Thank you.

Serena, something very strange is going on.

Oh? Yes.

Darrin has been turned into a warlock.

Really?

And Mother has given me some trumped-up reason for it

that I don’t believe.

What’d she say?

Well, that doesn’t matter.

What matters is it’s causing a catastrophe.

And I think he’s gone someplace to think.

And I think he’s thinking about going away.

Oh, Sammy, that’s terrible.

Since when have you been so gung ho for Darrin?

Well, I know I haven’t been too keen on him in the past

but recently, very recently in fact,

I met someone rather like him.

You did? Where?

In the 14th century.

What?

And if your Durwood

is as groovy as that Durwoo--

Oh.

Serena, there is something you’re not telling me

that you should be telling me, isn’t there?

Yeah.

All right, out with it.

Sammy, if I spill it, your mother’s gonna zap me

into the 14th century permanently.

Which might not be so bad.

Ah-ha.

So my mother is behind this, isn’t she?

Do I have to answer that?

No, you just did.

Oh, Serena, how could you?

Well, it sounded like it was gonna be a ball.

But it’s turned into a real bummer.

Okay, start at the top.

How’d you know that’s where it started?

Tell me, now, how would you like a little promotion?

To upstairs maid?

No, just upstairs.

[LAUGHS]

Who are you?

On second thought,

it is no matter.

You do look a bit familiar.

Wait a minute. Of course, it is yourself.

But you changed your hair.

N-now, just take it easy, friend.

Friend, is it?

That’s not what you called me

scarce an hour ago.

What about me promotion?

I wish you to be off. Do you hear?

I like what you did to your hair.

’Tis a well-known fact, blondes have more fun.

[♪♪]

Sam?

Samantha?

This is going to come as a surprise to you, ding-dong,

but am I glad to see you.

Serena, what are you doing here?

Minding the store.

Where did Sam go?

Out.

There was something she had to take care of.

How are you feeling?

I’ve got a miserable headache. Oh.

And you’re not helping it any.

I wish I had something that would.

Swell.

When will Sam be back?

As soon as she does what it is she has to do,

which apparently she hasn’t done yet.

Hmm?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, hi, Mr. Ferguson.

What did you do to my bush?

Oh, that. I just trimmed it a little.

You said you were going to anyway.

I said I was gonna trim it, not remove it.

What are you talking about?

Come with me, fella.

If that’s your idea of a little trimming

I’m gonna show you my idea of a little trimming.

Now, wait a minute, there’s no need for violence.

I-I just got carried away a little.

That’s right. You’re gonna get carried away, all right.

On a stretcher.

Oh, darling, how my heart longs

for another taste of honey from them ruby lips.

You poor thing. Oh, you poor thing.

You’re overheated.

Aye. And where there’s heat,

there is fire.

What you need is a little cooling off.

[CRIES OUT]

Now, I’m warning you, Ferguson.

You’d better not mess with me. I have powers.

What you have is a screw loose.

I-I’m warning you, you’re asking for disaster.

Sorry, but I warned you.

What did you do? You did something sneaky.

I’ll be right there, Martha.

Luckily for you, my wife’s calling me.

I didn’t hear anything.

Well, I did.

Sweetheart?

Darrin?

Sweetheart, There’s something

I have to tell you-- I found out it was a trick--

Sorry. You first.

No. No, you first.

Okay.

Sam, I thought it all out.

I’ve gone over it over and over again,

and the truth is it doesn’t matter about the witchcraft,

or whether or not I’m a warlock.

The only important thing is that I love you.

And I love you.

Now, what did you have to tell me?

We were right.

All that warlock nonsense was a trick,

and now you’re unstuck.

I-I mean, your wishcraft is gone.

Really? That’s terrific.

But just a minute ago, I got in a row with Ferguson--

I know.

I ran a little interference for you.

So sue me.

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

Sam, are you ready?

Coming.

Sweetheart, I got a sitter.

She’ll arrive just as we’re leaving.

You won’t even have to see her.

Meaning?

Meaning the only person I could find was Mother.

Suddenly, going out for dinner together loses its charm.

Who would know better about lack of charm than you, dumbo?

Oh, Darrin. If you just hadn’t said anything

she wouldn’t have come in until after we’d left.

I didn’t think you’d have the gall to show up here

after what you pulled today.

That’s the thanks I get

for trying to elevate your station in life.

Endora, from now on, do me a big favor:

don’t do me any favors.

Mother, you can do me a favor.

Wanna go upstairs and play with the kids? They’re waiting.

Gladly.

Sweetheart, I-I know it’s hard to believe, but she means well.

You’re right. It’s hard to believe.

Which reminds me.

Just exactly what did she do and how did you undo it?

Well, I’d rather that wait until

you’ve had a good dinner and a good night’s sleep,

have gotten up and gone to the office,

because I don’t want you to be around when I tell you.

You’re a sneaky witch.

[♪♪]