Original subtitles

[♪♪]

There. How’s that?

Tighter.

Darrin. If I tied it any tighter, you’d pass out.

I wanna pass out.

It’s the merciful thing to do.

I just resent having to wear a dinner jacket

to eat dinner in my own house,

just to please a so-called empress.

If it’ll make you feel any better,

she won’t be pleased.

She’d rather you wear tails.

And she is an empress

and high priestess of all witches and warlocks.

That still doesn’t give her the right

to barge into our house

and turn it into Buckingham Palace.

Well, she’ll change it back when she leaves.

Sweetheart, try to understand.

Uh, redecorating makes her feel...

more at home.

Where does she live? The Taj Mahal?

Boy, some nerve.

"I, Hepzibah, will reside in this house for one week,

"to decide whether or not

"this first and only mixed marriage

of witch to mortal should be dissolved."

Blech.

Sam...

is this all worth it?

I mean, wouldn’t it be easier if we agreed

you’d go to the witches’ convention by yourself?

Wouldn’t that satisfy her?

[♪♪]

It would not satisfy me.

If I have to go to Salem to that dumb witches’ convention,

I want you to come with me.

Mommy?

Where did you get that outfit?

Her Majesty.

She said a young lady should dress properly for dinner.

And a fairy princess never looked lovelier.

What did she dress Adam as? Prince Charming?

No. She picked him up from his crib to play with him,

and he made a no-no on her,

so he’s not allowed to come down at all.

Darn. I wish I had thought of that.

[GONG BOOMS]

Well, first call for dinner.

[PLAYING FANFARE]

Ex-queen Samantha, her daughter Tabitha,

and mortal.

[♪♪]

Well, come, come. Din-din is getting cold.

Who are they?

Our servants, of course.

We never travel anywhere without our servants.

Well, you can tell your "trumpeteer"

that I have a name and a title:

Darrin Stephens, master of this house.

Not while we live here.

And for not remembering your place,

you get...

one demerit.

Young man...

when those other nine demerits

are over with that other demerit,

you will be dissolved.

Uh, come on, sweetheart.

Our, uh, din-din is getting cold.

"Dissolved?"

Shh.

[♪♪]

[NARRATOR READING ON-SCREEN TEXT]

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

Everything looks yummy.

Oh, it looks different. Hm.

What is it?

Oh, pâté of elephant tail,

pickled eye of newt.

Over there is hummingbird tongue parmigiana.

And here is kidney of iguana

bourguignonne

in neat-feet oil.

Well, to be perfectly honest, uh, Your Highness,

these, ahem,

goodies are a little exotic for my system.

Ridiculous.

Pâté of elephant tail

is no more exotic than blueberry pie.

Uh, Darrin’s not too crazy about blueberry pie either.

This is ethnic food.

By refusing to share it with us,

you are insulting an entire ethnic group.

What do you say to that?

How about the eight ball in the side pocket?

Another demerit

for that feeble attempt at humor.

[SIGHS]

Well, that’s three down, seven to go.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Answer the door.

Well, i-it’s no one we know,

uh, Your Majesty.

I-I mean, a friend would never just drop in

at the dinner hour, uninvited.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

And a friend who would drop in

at the dinner hour isn’t much of a friend.

So...who needs him?

We do.

If we are researching the species,

we would like to meet as many mortals as possible.

[DOORBELL RINGS] I’ll get it.

[♪♪]

Hi, Sam. I’m sorry to barge in at dinnertime

but I had to drop these papers off for Darrin.

And I’d like to--

You’re having a costume party...

and you didn’t invite me.

Oh! Uh, no, no, Larry.

Uh, we’re just entertaining

an aunt of mine who insists we dress up.

Excuse me.

[♪♪]

When, uh, did you redecorate?

Redecorate?

SAMANTHA: We didn’t.

It’s my aunt’s.

She’s very, very wealthy, and, uh...

a little strange.

A lot strange.

A ding-a-ling?

Samantha...

uh, bring whoever it is into our presence.

I’d better go. I’ll call you later, Darrin.

No, no. Larry, please.

Uh, just-- Just meet her.

[♪♪]

Your Majesty, may I present

my business associate, Mr. Tate?

Do I curtsy?

A bow will do.

Nicely done. We are pleased with this one.

Thank you, Your Highness.

I’m available for knighthood.

[LAUGHING]

Eh, he’s a bit of a ding-a-ling.

Heh.

Uh, Darrin, I’m sorry to barge in

on this little dinner party of yours,

but I had to talk to you

before we meet with Hitchcock in the morning.

Oh. Sit down and join us.

Oh, I-- I’d be honored,

but, uh, actually,

I’m joining my wife at the club for dinner.

Oh, and you know how Louise

hates to be kept waiting.

So why don’t you just run along?

But, uh, I, heh,

could have an hors d’oeuvre or two.

Postlethwaite.

It certainly looks delicious.

Don’t bother, Postlethwaite.

I’m full.

As you were.

Thank you. Mm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

It is delicious.

I mean, really delicious.

I never tasted anything like it. What is it?

It’s a secret family recipe.

So, uh-- Uh, Hitchcock is coming to the office tomorrow, right?

Mm.

I can taste the parmigiana, but I can’t make out--

The hummingbird tongue?

The what?

[LAUGHING]

That’s very amusing, Your Highness.

Oh, funny, huh?

[ALL LAUGHING]

We have heard of hummingbird tongue

being tasty, but never amusing.

[CHUCKLING]

Tabitha, are you enjoying your hummingbird tongue?

I like the pickled eye of newt better.

The pickled--

Eye of newt.

[CHUCKLING]

Uh, listen...

I hate to eat and run, but, uh--

Run, run. Heh. Louise is waiting.

Oh, I’ll see you in the morning.

It’s been an honor meeting you, Your Highness.

And, uh, don’t get up.

I think I can find my way out.

[♪♪]

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

[SIGHS]

At least the creature was man enough

to give it a try.

[CHUCKLES]

[MOUTHING WORDS]

[♪♪]

I don’t know how much longer I can take it.

Don’t worry, sweetheart.

Just a few more days, and it’ll all be over.

Well...the way I’m...

[MAKES POPPING NOISE]

...piling up demerits, it could be all over today.

I’d better get along.

HEPZIBAH: Where?

[SIGHS] To work.

That interests us.

What is "work"?

That’s a very good question, Your Majesty.

And Samantha is just the person to explain it.

See you later, honey. Uh, by your leave.

[♪♪]

What is "work"?

Oh, that’s what mortals do from 9 to 5.

You will explain while we have our breakfast.

[♪♪]

Quickly, Penelope.

Naughty, naughty.

Once over lightly.

Repeat.

What is "work"?

Well, in Darrin’s case,

it’s advertising.

What is advertising?

Advertising is--

Well...

After breakfast,

you will take us to his workshop.

Oh, uh...

but I-I couldn’t take us there.

I-I mean, he’s very busy.

If we have time to watch him,

then he will make time to be watched.

But I couldn’t possibly leave the house.

I don’t have a babysitter.

You do now.

Y-- Yes, uh, Your Majesty.

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

Morning.

It’s almost noon.

I know.

I had a great night’s sleep.

One hour, from 10:00 this morning to 11.

Did I eat hummingbird tongue last night, or didn’t I?

Larry, will you please forget last night?

Uh, Hitchcock will be here any minute.

Now, let’s go over the presentation.

What’s pickled eye of newt?

Uh, it’s kind of a squash...

prepared with a sauce.

It is? Because I love squash.

SAMANTHA: Hello.

We didn’t have a chance to call.

Uh, Aunt Hepzibah

wanted to come and see where you work.

Carry on.

[♪♪]

L-look, uh--

Uh, Your Majesty, we’re really very busy.

Good. Then we shall observe "busyness."

Sam, would you please try

to explain to Her Highness

that we’re expecting a very important client?

Larry said they’re expecting--

We do not need a translation.

Yes, ma’am.

[BUZZES]

Yes?

Hitchcock is here.

Tell him to wait.

Send him in.

I’ve got a great idea, Your Majesty.

Why don’t you visit the United Nations?

You can meet a lot of kings and presidents.

Send him in.

Send him in. [SIGHS]

Uh, look, Your Majesty...

uh, Mr. Hitchcock is a very busy man,

an-and busy men are sometimes

very brusque and impatient.

He might say something to insult you.

We hope not, for his sake.

Oh. Good to see you, Mr. Hitchcock.

Uh, Tate. Mr. Hitchcock.

Stephens.

Oh, uh, may I present my wife, Samantha?

How do you do?

And her Aunt Hepzibah visiting from out of town.

Ladies.

I’ve got exactly 25 minutes

before we go to lunch, Stephens.

Shall we get on with it?

Yes, let’s get on with it. I-in the conference room.

Uh, that won’t be necessary.

We are very comfortable here.

Is this some sort of a joke, Tate?

Heh-heh. Well, uh-- Ha.

Well, my aunt i-- Was rather interested

in studying the world of business.

Perhaps it’s not my place

to say this, madam, but, uh--

[MAGIC CHIMES]

[♪♪]

You’re a most attractive woman.

And I cannot imagine you being interested

in anything as dull as business.

How very gallant, Mr. Hitchcock.

Ernest, please. I beg you.

Well, shall we get started, Mr. Hitchcock?

Uh, there are ladies present, Tate.

Let’s chat a while, hm?

Hepzibah.

What a lovely name. Biblical?

Hardly.

So you’re from out of town. Where, may I ask, my dear?

Oh! She’s lived all over.

Yes. Uh, Mr. Hitchcock, if--

If you’ll take a look at the pre-- Presentation--

As soon as I can take my eyes off

this lovely and incredibly beautiful creature.

So you’re a world traveler.

Perhaps you’ve used my airlines.

The regal bird with the silver beak?

We are pleased with this man.

He has quality.

Uh, the feeling is mutual.

Perhaps we can discuss it at lunch.

Delighted.

The thing is, I only made a reservation at Pavillon

for you and Darrin.

They’re booked solid.

How fortunate for us, Hepzibah.

We shall dine alone then.

Oh! Come along.

We’ll see you after lunch.

Your Majesty.

Have you ever been to Crete?

Not for centuries.

[♪♪]

What--?

What--?

What happened?

[BARKING]

[♪♪]

How could you do it, Sam?

How could you do it?

We-- Well, I-I didn’t have any choice.

I mean, if Mr. Hitchcock

had said one rude word to Hepzibah--

and he was about to

--why, she would’ve zapped him

into an aardvark or something.

But I wouldn’t have minded

your turning him into Mr. Nice Guy,

but a lovesick adolescent is overdoing it.

I didn’t have time for subtleties.

[BOTH BARKING]

Rowr!

HEPZIBAH: We are home.

We are pleased to say we have come to the conclusion

that as a lower form of life,

some mortals are not without charm.

Sweetheart.

Had you but an ounce

of Ernest’s exquisite taste,

you might be barely tolerable.

Well, if we’re playing the truth game,

let me tell you something.

For raising your voice to us...

another demerit.

Another demerit. Another demerit.

I might as well go for the jackpot.

I want you out of my house.

And your puppy dogs and your servants.

Out.

You may be the almighty of all witches,

but to me, you’re an almighty pain in the--

Darrin!

Uh, he-he-he-- He apo-- Apologizes, Your Majesty.

[WHISPERS] Apologize.

It is too late for you to apologize.

You have used up your demerits...

and our patience.

The marriage will be dissolved at midnight.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] But-- But--

Go to your room.

"The marriage will be dissolved at midnight."

Boy, some nerve.

I mean, how could she dissolve our marriage?

How? I’d just like to know how.

She could turn you into an ex-husband.

How? I’d just like to know how.

By dissolving you.

Now I know how.

Don’t worry, sweetheart.

I’ll just talk her into drumming me out

of the witch world.

Uh, what does that mean?

Well, how should I know?

Uh, she’ll probably recite some mumbo jumbo and zap,

I’ll be just plain folks.

Then it’s none of her business what I do.

And?

Well, I don’t know. It’s never been done before. I--

I suppose I’d lose my powers.

[♪♪]

Sam, I won’t let you do it.

Isn’t that what you’ve always wanted?

Yes. No.

I mean...I love you for what you are.

Well, I’d still be what I am.

I-- I just wouldn’t have my powers.

But that’s a part of you.

And I won’t let you give it up.

I won’t let anything or anybody change you

or dissolve our marriage.

Including the High Priestess Hepzibah.

And I’ll get down on my knees if I have to,

but I won’t stop until she accepts my apology.

Come on.

[♪♪]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Ernest. You are so amusing.

DARRIN: Mr. Hitchcock.

This is a private audience.

Oh. Please, forgive me

for dropping in unannounced,

but I didn’t want to lose touch

with this lovely lady.

And she’s going away, and she won’t

tell me where she’s going.

HEPZIBAH: Isn’t it sweet?

She’ll be leaving for Salem in a few days.

Samantha.

Ah. Salem is beautiful this time of the year.

Ernest, we are touched by your devotion...

but, really, we will have so little time to give you.

I’ll be staying at the Hawthorne Hotel. And you?

We will be...

Calling you when we are free.

Good night, beautiful creature.

Good night.

[♪♪]

Goodbye.

SAMANTHA: Mr. Hitchcock. DARRIN: Bye.

Mortals can sometimes be endearing.

They can grow on one.

Perhaps we have been too rash.

Perhaps we should study the species a while longer

before passing any major decision.

The "dissolvement" of the marriage is canceled.

Oh. Thank you, Your Majesty.

A-and Darrin, uh, can come to Salem?

Out of the question. No mortal.

You mean--

You mean, Ernest is one of us?

And Darrin Stephens

may come to Salem.

Touché, my dear.

But remember this:

There is a vast difference

between playing with a mortal and marrying it.

With all due respect, Your Majesty...

don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.

[♪♪]

Prepare the ancestral grounds for our arrival.

Away.

You too, Caesar and Cleopatra.

[BOTH BARKING]

Now-- Now, now, now, now. None of that.

Mommy will be along any moment.

[BOTH WHIMPERING]

Your Majesty, uh,

if your arm isn’t too tired from waving,

uh, we’d certainly appreciate having

the house back the way it was.

Nonsense. It is our gift to you.

Well, Your Majesty, we really don’t deserve it.

I mean, after the trouble we’ve caused you.

Quite right.

Ugh.

Well...

we will be on our way.

Take care of our Samantha.

[MENACINGLY] We’re warning you.

Hepzibah will be watching.

Terrific. How could she know

my mother gave us that?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[♪♪]

Larry!

Sam. Darrin, heh.

Uh, forgive me for dropping in unannounced,

but, uh, I was on my way to the office,

and I just dropped by to--

What happened to your redecorating?

Uh, well, uh, A-Aunt Hepzibah turned out

to be an Indian giver.

When she left, she took Windsor Castle with her.

So we-- We just brought the other stuff

down from the attic.

Oh.

Darrin, how did you manage it?

Well, we, uh--

We got a couple of moving men, and--

I mean, how did you manage to talk Hitchcock

into going to Salem with you?

Oh, that. I’d rather not talk about it, Larry.

Then you tell me, Sam.

The genius is so modest.

Well, all-- All right.

The "genius" said to himself:

"What would Larry do if he were in my place?"

Good, good.

And when he saw Mr. Hitchcock

making eyes at Hepzibah, well...

Yeah, yeah?

He decided to play matchmaker.

You son of a gun.

[LAUGHING]

What happened to the vase?

Well, it, uh--

It broke when we were moving things back.

It’s easily replaced. Hm.

Oh. Well, I-- I’d better run.

I’m late for an appointment.

Bye-bye.

[♪♪]

[CLEARS THROAT]

[SIGHS]

"Hepzibah will be watching."

[MAGIC CHIMES]

[♪♪]

Oh, just one more thing.

If you need me in Salem

to help with Hitchcock, feel free.

Oh, well-- Yeah. Heh-heh.

[♪♪]

The vase. What happened?

Well, um--

I told you it was easily replaced.

Oh.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[CHUCKLES]

Uh, just one more thing.

Uh, what about the spell on Hitchcock?

Oh, I’ll fix that.

After we get back from Salem.

[♪♪]

[♪♪]