All language subtitles for Bewitched S04E33 Splitsville_track3_[eng]

[♪♪]

Sam, I'm exhausted.

Turn out the lights
and come to bed.

Right this minute,
sweetheart.

As soon as
I open the window

for some fresh air.

Sweetheart, come here and look.

Come here and look at what?

Mrs. Kravitz is outside
in her nightclothes

trying to hitchhike.

Mm-hm. Come to bed.

Doesn't that strike you
as unusual?

Not for Mrs. Kravitz.

Besides, you shouldn't
get involved.

Oh, sweetheart, please.

Look at her waiting out there.

She looks so forlorn.

Sweetheart,
she's our neighbor.

The least we can do
is find out

what her problem is.
Isn't it?

No.

Why not?

I've learned
from experience,

when you set out to do
the least you can do,

you wind up doing
the most you can do.

You want to give me that
once more?

And try it
in English.

In two words:
butt out.

Sweetheart,
you're a cruel heart.

Wait...

[SIGHING]

Yoo-hoo. Mrs. Kravitz?

Um, Mrs. Kravitz.

I don't mean to be
a busybody, but uh,

what are
you doing?

I'm doing something
I've always wanted to do.

I'm deserting
my husband.

Just like that?

In the middle
of the night?

Mm-hm. Yup.

After 22 years of marriage,
I've had it.

Where are
you going?

Tonight,
to a hotel.

Tomorrow,
to Mexico,

for a
quickie divorce.

I wanted
to phone for a taxi,

but Abner
wouldn't let me.

Because
he loves you

and needs you.

Because
it's a toll call.

Sam, come on inside.

You'll catch pneumonia.

Um, Mrs. Kravitz,
wouldn't it be simpler

if you
spent the night

in our guest room?

Gee, I don't know.

Strange things seem
to happen over there.

Well, you can
always look at it

as "any port
in a storm."

Yeah,
that's true.

Okay.
Thanks.

Sweetheart.

Mrs. Kravitz is going
to spend the night with us.

Wonderful.

[♪♪]

More coffee,
sweetheart?

Thank you,
honey.

Is Grandma Endora coming?

Not that
I know of.

Our company
is our neighbor,

Mrs. Kravitz.

How long is she going to be
our company?

Until after breakfast.

Just until after breakfast.

Good morning.

Oh, uh, good morning,
Mrs. Kravitz.

Hello, Mrs. Kravitz.

Good morning, sweetheart.

Mrs. Kravitz,
did you lie awake all night,

tossing and turning?

I should say not.
I slept like a top.

Not listening to Abner snore
was a refreshing change of pace.

Orange juice?

Yes, don't you like it?

Well, I...generally start
with a tall glass

of wheat germ oil.

Sorry, we don't carry it.

Proper nutrition
is the key to vitality.

Of course.

The human body can take
just so much abuse.

Each of us owes it to his system

to nourish it
as nature intended.

I've told that to Abner every
morning of our married life.

I say, "Abner, you're not trying
to maintain a garbage dump.

You are trying to maintain
a human body."

I say, "One of these days,

that body will strike
back at you."

And do you know what he does?

What does he do?

He hides behind his newspaper
as if I was a nag.

Well, time to go to work.

Bye, honey.

Goodbye,
little honey.

Goodbye,
Daddy.

Goodbye, Mrs. Kravitz.

Have
a nice flight.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

Darrin... Darrin!

Sam, I know I didn't
finish my breakfast,

but I just had
to get outta there.

Well, you could have thought
of a better exit line than,

"Goodbye, Mrs. Kravitz,
have a nice flight."

What's wrong
with that?

That's inviting
her to leave.

That's just
what I had in mind!

Do you want her
to leave her husband?

I want her
to leave our house.

If she wants to leave
her husband,

that's her business.

But she doesn't want
to leave her husband.

I'll bet that deep down,
they're very much in love.

It's merely a matter

of bringing them
to their senses.

Fine, you do that.

All I ask is that you do it
before I get home tonight.

Hello, Abner?

This is Gladys.

Gladys Kravitz!

Soon to assume
my maiden name of Gruber.

I'm across the street
at Mr. and Mrs. Stephens'.

At five o'clock this afternoon.

I just called to tell you
that I want the house,

the car and
the bank account.

You can keep
the mining stock.

Well, you never know
when they might find something.

And if they find something,
I want that, too.

Yes, that's all
I've got to say.

What have you got to say?

Well,

as they say in Mexico,

adios.

Did he plead with you
to come back to him?

No.

He said, "Happy landing."

Well, at least that's a start.

[♪♪]

Hi, Mr. Kravitz.

What's new?

Not much, Mr. Stephens.
What's new with you?

I hate to think.

Sam?

Oh, Sam?

Hi there, sweetheart.
How are you?

- Hungry.
- Oh.

What's for dinner?

Alfalfa soup.

Organic
vegetable loaf.

And kumquat
pudding.

Does that menu mean
what I think it means?

What's that?

That Mrs. Kravitz
is still our house guest.

Oh. That's what
I thought you meant

you thought
it meant.

Oh, yes, yes.
She's still here.

And to show her gratitude
for our hospitality,

she surprised me.
By cooking dinner.

Well, I'll surprise her
by taking my wife

and daughter out for pizza.
Get your coat.

Oh, honey,
you can't do that.

It'll hurt
her feelings.

Better her feelings
than my stomach.

Why didn't she go
to Mexico?

I, um...

I talked her
out of it.

Congratulations.

Well, uh--
uh, honey,

we were just giving
Mr. Kravitz

time to
get lonesome.

I just saw Mr. Kravitz
mowing his lawn.

He didn't look
lonesome to me.

Well, just wait.

Ju-Just wait.

He'll weaken
tonight.

And if he doesn't?

We'll go over there
and weaken him?

You will go over
and weaken him.

I'm staying neutral.

[♪♪]

Well, how did you enjoy
your dinner, Mr. Stephens?

Oh, it, uhh...

It was
highly original.

Well, I tried to strike
a perfect balance

between proteins
and minerals.

And you succeeded
admirably.

I find that
organic vegetable loaf

and kumquat pudding
are very compatible.

Uh, Samantha, aren't you
supposed to visit

one of our neighbors?

What?

One of our neighbors.

Oh--
oh, y-yes, of course.

I promised Mrs. Rich
that I'd run over

and look at her
new dining room table.

I'll be back in a minute.

I regard the human body
as a furnace.

And I regard food
as what we stoke it with.

[CHATTERING]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'm not
holdin' anything.

I got 'em.

Oh.Ah!

Whoever heard of gettin'
a straight flush there?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Who could that be?

Hi.

Good evening,
Mr. Kravitz.

I came to talk
to you...

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you'd be alone
and lonely.

MR. KRAVITZ: May I present
my poker-playing associates.

Charlie, Fred, Al and Dave.

How do you do?

Pleased
to be enchanted.

Hello,
Blondie.

You're just
what this party needs.

A little
female pulchritude.

How do you do?

Hey, Abner,
you devil you.

Hey, listen, she's a lot
cuter than Gladys.

Yeah, you're cuter
than Gladys.

I didn't come here
to play poker.

I came to reunite you
with the woman you love.

You're wasting
your time.

Sophia Loren
doesn't want him.

[LAUGHING]

Gentlemen,
in my opinion,

the disintegration
of a marriage

is no
laughing matter.

All right, men.
Hold the laughter.

Mr. Kravitz,
do you honestly believe

that after 22 years,

you can get along
without your wife?

I'm not sure,
but I plan to give it

a tremendous
effort.

You'll fail.

Look at
this room.

In one day,
look what a mess it is.

I know. Not a
health food in sight.

Well, that's true.

Just cold cuts
and beer.

May I fix your loveliness
a pastrami sandwich?

SAMANTHA:
No, thank you.

Mr. Kravitz, I'm very
disappointed in you.

Why?
I'm winning.

You're hopeless.

Good night.

ALL:
Good night.

[CHATTERING]

Well, did you
weaken him?

Not exactly.

Well, you better
do something fast.

Because if your house guest
doesn't get outta here soon,

your husband will.

Oh, I'm glad you're back.

I made us
a special treat.

What are they?
Organic meatballs?

They're soybean brownies.

Oh, goodie.

Daddy, is Mrs. Kravitz
still our company?

Yes, dear.

Mrs. Kravitz is still
our company.

Good morning.

I'm taking
my Saturday morning facial.

Is that wheat germ oil?

Huh?

Oh, uh.

Yes.

Eat your breakfast,
Tabatha.

I'm all finished.

Well, then all right,
sweetheart.

You run out
and play.

I'll drink this in two minutes
after my skin loosens.

Uh, when did
you get

the wheat
germ oil?

Yesterday.

Uh.

- Do you want some?
- No, thanks.

How much did you buy?
Enough to last for six months?

Oh, now, sweetheart,
don't be sarcastic.

I have decided
that Mrs. Kravitz

is going back
to her husband today.

You've decided?

Yeah, because somehow
I get the idea

that she's beginning
to bug you.

Somehow,
I'm glad you noticed.

Of course,
to, uh,

solve the
problem,

I'll have to use
a little, uh...

Witchcraft?

It would
be expedient.

Sam, why is it
that all of your goofs

have to be solved
by witchcraft?

What's wrong with
a little ingenuity?

A little
mortal logic?

I'd even settle for a little
female sneakiness.

All those things
take time.

I don't care.

The rule of this household

is that
voodoo is forbidden.

This is my mud pack.
It opens up my pores.

And she
is the exception

that makes that rule
a rule.

You're saying
that now,

it's all right for me
to use voodoo?

Sam,
we're desperate.

Okay.

What are you
gonna do?

I thought I'd try the old
jealousy approach.

To make her
jealous of him,

or him
jealous of her?

Him of her.

So that he'd come
and beg her

for another chance.

I see.

Have you selected your poor,
innocent victim yet?

Mmm.

Mr. Leon Hogersdorf.

Your friendly
neighborhood butcher.

Mrs. Kravitz
once told me

she thought he looked
like Henry Fonda.

So, I'll make him
fond of Mrs. Kravitz.

Do you have to go
to the butcher shop?

No. No, no.

I can do it
long distance.

Leon Hogersdorf,
Forget your habits.

Find your dream girl
In Gladys Kravitz.

Oh, Mr. Hogersdorf.

Add two pounds
of hamburger.

That's six nice lamb chops,
and two pounds...

Harry, will you take
Mrs. Kelly's order?

I have to leave.

Did it work?

I hope so.

How fast
will he get here?

As fast
as he can drive.

Well, here he is.

I thought you said
he looked like Henry Fonda.

I said
Mrs. Kravitz

thought he looked
like Henry Fonda.

Up until yesterday,
she thought Abner

looked like
Cary Grant.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Say, now I wonder
who that could be.

Hello,
Mrs. Stephens.

Oh,
Mr. Hogersdorf.

What a
pleasant surprise.

Is Mrs. Kravitz here?

As a matter of fact, she is.

For some strange reason,
I just have to see her.

Mrs. Kravitz?
Look who's here.

Since when
do you deliver?

I don't.

I mean I don't
deliver meat,

but I do
deliver flowers.

Oh!

They're
beautiful!

What are they?

I don't know, the florist
didn't tell me.

When did I go
to the florist?

Uh, Mr. Hogersdorf,

you remember my husband,
don't you?

Oh, sure.
Nice to see you.

Likewise.

My butcher, who looks
like Henry Fonda,

brought me
flowers.

I see.

How come?

Because I, uh...because I...

That's a good question.

Because I heard you
and your husband have separated.

And I hoped flowers might soothe

the difficult period
of transition.

Why am I talking so formal?

I don't know, but I like
the way it sounds.

I also had the selfish motive
of wanting to be first in line.

First in line for what?

For when you are ready
to begin dating other men.

My butcher wants to date me!

I heard!

Well, if you'll
excuse me.

I'll put these
in my boudoir.

Is it hot in here?

No, I don't
think so.

Oh, I must be coming down
with Asiatic flu.

Doing great,
honey.

But how does this
make Mr. Kravitz jealous

if he isn't here?

Oh, um,
he'll be here.

[♪♪]

Mr. Hogersdorf,
are you all right?

I don't
think so.

[♪♪]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Excuse me.

May I please have
a six-pack of cold beer?

I beg your pardon?

Oh. Uh, that's funny.

I thought I was going
to the liquor store.

Him too?

Well, as long as you're here,
come on in.

Hello, Gladys.

You're too late.

Uh, Mr. Abner Kravitz,

have you met
Mr. Leon Hogersdorf?

Sure, I've spent many happy
hours haggling with him.

Kravitz,
you might as well know now.

I'm madly in love
with your wife.

Who said that?

You did.

You must be kidding.

I've been in love with her

since the first day she
walked into my shop,

and asked if my chickens
were healthy.

How come you
never told me?

I knew you were married.

She still is.

Come on,
Mr. Kravitz.

Stand up
for your rights.

Who, me?

Say that Mrs. Kravitz
belongs to you.

She always has
and she always will.

Well, wait a minute.

Let's not be hasty.

Mr. Kravitz,
aren't you jealous?

Yes. But I'll
get over it.

I bear no hard feelings
for your total ingratitude.

My ingratitude
for what?

For all that I've done
for you.

For the 22 years
of sacrifice.

You talk about sacrifice?

You don't know
what sacrifice is.

Why do you think I put up
my hair in curlers,

and do beauty angles

and take facials
and do exercises?

Because you like
to torment me.

Wrong.

To make myself
attractive to you.

Oh, I admit,

I might be fighting
a losing battle,

but at least
I try.

Just like I try
to take care of you.

I regard the human body
as a furnace,

and I regard the food
that you put in it--

Mrs. Kravitz,
aren't you digressing?

Isn't the point you're making
that your motive is love?

Yes.

At least,
it used to be.

Still is,
isn't it?

Is it, Gladys?

Why?

What difference would it make?

I'll show you after you tell me.

Is your motive still love?

Yes.

It's combined with
a little...hatred.

But...yes.

Okay, fella.

Get outta here
before my wife and I

decide to buy
our chickens elsewhere.

I-I
hope you get over me!

[♪♪]

Shall we go home,
my darling?

Anything you say,
honeybunch.

I'll pick up
my things later.

Bye-bye, Mrs. Kravitz,
Mr. Kravitz.

Bye!Bye.

Phew! Nice going!

For a while,
I thought you struck out.

Yeah, so did I.

Because the only spell
I put on Mr. Kravitz,

was to get him
to come over here.

Then everything he
and Mrs. Kravitz said

was unassisted?

Straight from
their hearts.

You know
what that proves?

What?

It proves
that the only thing

stronger
than witchcraft...

is love.

I know. I'd stake
my marriage on it.

[♪♪]

[♪♪]