Original subtitles

[♪♪]

Sam, I'm exhausted.

Turn out the lights and come to bed.

Right this minute, sweetheart.

As soon as I open the window

for some fresh air.

Sweetheart, come here and look.

Come here and look at what?

Mrs. Kravitz is outside in her nightclothes

trying to hitchhike.

Mm-hm. Come to bed.

Doesn't that strike you as unusual?

Not for Mrs. Kravitz.

Besides, you shouldn't get involved.

Oh, sweetheart, please.

Look at her waiting out there.

She looks so forlorn.

Sweetheart, she's our neighbor.

The least we can do is find out

what her problem is. Isn't it?

No.

Why not?

I've learned from experience,

when you set out to do the least you can do,

you wind up doing the most you can do.

You want to give me that once more?

And try it in English.

In two words: butt out.

Sweetheart, you're a cruel heart.

Wait...

[SIGHING]

Yoo-hoo. Mrs. Kravitz?

Um, Mrs. Kravitz.

I don't mean to be a busybody, but uh,

what are you doing?

I'm doing something I've always wanted to do.

I'm deserting my husband.

Just like that?

In the middle of the night?

Mm-hm. Yup.

After 22 years of marriage, I've had it.

Where are you going?

Tonight, to a hotel.

Tomorrow, to Mexico,

for a quickie divorce.

I wanted to phone for a taxi,

but Abner wouldn't let me.

Because he loves you

and needs you.

Because it's a toll call.

Sam, come on inside.

You'll catch pneumonia.

Um, Mrs. Kravitz, wouldn't it be simpler

if you spent the night

in our guest room?

Gee, I don't know.

Strange things seem to happen over there.

Well, you can always look at it

as "any port in a storm."

Yeah, that's true.

Okay. Thanks.

Sweetheart.

Mrs. Kravitz is going to spend the night with us.

Wonderful.

[♪♪]

More coffee, sweetheart?

Thank you, honey.

Is Grandma Endora coming?

Not that I know of.

Our company is our neighbor,

Mrs. Kravitz.

How long is she going to be our company?

Until after breakfast.

Just until after breakfast.

Good morning.

Oh, uh, good morning, Mrs. Kravitz.

Hello, Mrs. Kravitz.

Good morning, sweetheart.

Mrs. Kravitz, did you lie awake all night,

tossing and turning?

I should say not. I slept like a top.

Not listening to Abner snore was a refreshing change of pace.

Orange juice?

Yes, don't you like it?

Well, I...generally start with a tall glass

of wheat germ oil.

Sorry, we don't carry it.

Proper nutrition is the key to vitality.

Of course.

The human body can take just so much abuse.

Each of us owes it to his system

to nourish it as nature intended.

I've told that to Abner every morning of our married life.

I say, "Abner, you're not trying to maintain a garbage dump.

You are trying to maintain a human body."

I say, "One of these days,

that body will strike back at you."

And do you know what he does?

What does he do?

He hides behind his newspaper as if I was a nag.

Well, time to go to work.

Bye, honey.

Goodbye, little honey.

Goodbye, Daddy.

Goodbye, Mrs. Kravitz.

Have a nice flight.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

Darrin... Darrin!

Sam, I know I didn't finish my breakfast,

but I just had to get outta there.

Well, you could have thought of a better exit line than,

"Goodbye, Mrs. Kravitz, have a nice flight."

What's wrong with that?

That's inviting her to leave.

That's just what I had in mind!

Do you want her to leave her husband?

I want her to leave our house.

If she wants to leave her husband,

that's her business.

But she doesn't want to leave her husband.

I'll bet that deep down, they're very much in love.

It's merely a matter

of bringing them to their senses.

Fine, you do that.

All I ask is that you do it before I get home tonight.

Hello, Abner?

This is Gladys.

Gladys Kravitz!

Soon to assume my maiden name of Gruber.

I'm across the street at Mr. and Mrs. Stephens'.

At five o'clock this afternoon.

I just called to tell you that I want the house,

the car and the bank account.

You can keep the mining stock.

Well, you never know when they might find something.

And if they find something, I want that, too.

Yes, that's all I've got to say.

What have you got to say?

Well,

as they say in Mexico,

adios.

Did he plead with you to come back to him?

No.

He said, "Happy landing."

Well, at least that's a start.

[♪♪]

Hi, Mr. Kravitz.

What's new?

Not much, Mr. Stephens. What's new with you?

I hate to think.

Sam?

Oh, Sam?

Hi there, sweetheart. How are you?

- Hungry. - Oh.

What's for dinner?

Alfalfa soup.

Organic vegetable loaf.

And kumquat pudding.

Does that menu mean what I think it means?

What's that?

That Mrs. Kravitz is still our house guest.

Oh. That's what I thought you meant

you thought it meant.

Oh, yes, yes. She's still here.

And to show her gratitude for our hospitality,

she surprised me. By cooking dinner.

Well, I'll surprise her by taking my wife

and daughter out for pizza. Get your coat.

Oh, honey, you can't do that.

It'll hurt her feelings.

Better her feelings than my stomach.

Why didn't she go to Mexico?

I, um...

I talked her out of it.

Congratulations.

Well, uh-- uh, honey,

we were just giving Mr. Kravitz

time to get lonesome.

I just saw Mr. Kravitz mowing his lawn.

He didn't look lonesome to me.

Well, just wait.

Ju-Just wait.

He'll weaken tonight.

And if he doesn't?

We'll go over there and weaken him?

You will go over and weaken him.

I'm staying neutral.

[♪♪]

Well, how did you enjoy your dinner, Mr. Stephens?

Oh, it, uhh...

It was highly original.

Well, I tried to strike a perfect balance

between proteins and minerals.

And you succeeded admirably.

I find that organic vegetable loaf

and kumquat pudding are very compatible.

Uh, Samantha, aren't you supposed to visit

one of our neighbors?

What?

One of our neighbors.

Oh-- oh, y-yes, of course.

I promised Mrs. Rich that I'd run over

and look at her new dining room table.

I'll be back in a minute.

I regard the human body as a furnace.

And I regard food as what we stoke it with.

[CHATTERING]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'm not holdin' anything.

I got 'em.

Oh.Ah!

Whoever heard of gettin' a straight flush there?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Who could that be?

Hi.

Good evening, Mr. Kravitz.

I came to talk to you...

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you'd be alone and lonely.

MR. KRAVITZ: May I present my poker-playing associates.

Charlie, Fred, Al and Dave.

How do you do?

Pleased to be enchanted.

Hello, Blondie.

You're just what this party needs.

A little female pulchritude.

How do you do?

Hey, Abner, you devil you.

Hey, listen, she's a lot cuter than Gladys.

Yeah, you're cuter than Gladys.

I didn't come here to play poker.

I came to reunite you with the woman you love.

You're wasting your time.

Sophia Loren doesn't want him.

[LAUGHING]

Gentlemen, in my opinion,

the disintegration of a marriage

is no laughing matter.

All right, men. Hold the laughter.

Mr. Kravitz, do you honestly believe

that after 22 years,

you can get along without your wife?

I'm not sure, but I plan to give it

a tremendous effort.

You'll fail.

Look at this room.

In one day, look what a mess it is.

I know. Not a health food in sight.

Well, that's true.

Just cold cuts and beer.

May I fix your loveliness a pastrami sandwich?

SAMANTHA: No, thank you.

Mr. Kravitz, I'm very disappointed in you.

Why? I'm winning.

You're hopeless.

Good night.

ALL: Good night.

[CHATTERING]

Well, did you weaken him?

Not exactly.

Well, you better do something fast.

Because if your house guest doesn't get outta here soon,

your husband will.

Oh, I'm glad you're back.

I made us a special treat.

What are they? Organic meatballs?

They're soybean brownies.

Oh, goodie.

Daddy, is Mrs. Kravitz still our company?

Yes, dear.

Mrs. Kravitz is still our company.

Good morning.

I'm taking my Saturday morning facial.

Is that wheat germ oil?

Huh?

Oh, uh.

Yes.

Eat your breakfast, Tabatha.

I'm all finished.

Well, then all right, sweetheart.

You run out and play.

I'll drink this in two minutes after my skin loosens.

Uh, when did you get

the wheat germ oil?

Yesterday.

Uh.

- Do you want some? - No, thanks.

How much did you buy? Enough to last for six months?

Oh, now, sweetheart, don't be sarcastic.

I have decided that Mrs. Kravitz

is going back to her husband today.

You've decided?

Yeah, because somehow I get the idea

that she's beginning to bug you.

Somehow, I'm glad you noticed.

Of course, to, uh,

solve the problem,

I'll have to use a little, uh...

Witchcraft?

It would be expedient.

Sam, why is it that all of your goofs

have to be solved by witchcraft?

What's wrong with a little ingenuity?

A little mortal logic?

I'd even settle for a little female sneakiness.

All those things take time.

I don't care.

The rule of this household

is that voodoo is forbidden.

This is my mud pack. It opens up my pores.

And she is the exception

that makes that rule a rule.

You're saying that now,

it's all right for me to use voodoo?

Sam, we're desperate.

Okay.

What are you gonna do?

I thought I'd try the old jealousy approach.

To make her jealous of him,

or him jealous of her?

Him of her.

So that he'd come and beg her

for another chance.

I see.

Have you selected your poor, innocent victim yet?

Mmm.

Mr. Leon Hogersdorf.

Your friendly neighborhood butcher.

Mrs. Kravitz once told me

she thought he looked like Henry Fonda.

So, I'll make him fond of Mrs. Kravitz.

Do you have to go to the butcher shop?

No. No, no.

I can do it long distance.

Leon Hogersdorf, Forget your habits.

Find your dream girl In Gladys Kravitz.

Oh, Mr. Hogersdorf.

Add two pounds of hamburger.

That's six nice lamb chops, and two pounds...

Harry, will you take Mrs. Kelly's order?

I have to leave.

Did it work?

I hope so.

How fast will he get here?

As fast as he can drive.

Well, here he is.

I thought you said he looked like Henry Fonda.

I said Mrs. Kravitz

thought he looked like Henry Fonda.

Up until yesterday, she thought Abner

looked like Cary Grant.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Say, now I wonder who that could be.

Hello, Mrs. Stephens.

Oh, Mr. Hogersdorf.

What a pleasant surprise.

Is Mrs. Kravitz here?

As a matter of fact, she is.

For some strange reason, I just have to see her.

Mrs. Kravitz? Look who's here.

Since when do you deliver?

I don't.

I mean I don't deliver meat,

but I do deliver flowers.

Oh!

They're beautiful!

What are they?

I don't know, the florist didn't tell me.

When did I go to the florist?

Uh, Mr. Hogersdorf,

you remember my husband, don't you?

Oh, sure. Nice to see you.

Likewise.

My butcher, who looks like Henry Fonda,

brought me flowers.

I see.

How come?

Because I, uh...because I...

That's a good question.

Because I heard you and your husband have separated.

And I hoped flowers might soothe

the difficult period of transition.

Why am I talking so formal?

I don't know, but I like the way it sounds.

I also had the selfish motive of wanting to be first in line.

First in line for what?

For when you are ready to begin dating other men.

My butcher wants to date me!

I heard!

Well, if you'll excuse me.

I'll put these in my boudoir.

Is it hot in here?

No, I don't think so.

Oh, I must be coming down with Asiatic flu.

Doing great, honey.

But how does this make Mr. Kravitz jealous

if he isn't here?

Oh, um, he'll be here.

[♪♪]

Mr. Hogersdorf, are you all right?

I don't think so.

[♪♪]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Excuse me.

May I please have a six-pack of cold beer?

I beg your pardon?

Oh. Uh, that's funny.

I thought I was going to the liquor store.

Him too?

Well, as long as you're here, come on in.

Hello, Gladys.

You're too late.

Uh, Mr. Abner Kravitz,

have you met Mr. Leon Hogersdorf?

Sure, I've spent many happy hours haggling with him.

Kravitz, you might as well know now.

I'm madly in love with your wife.

Who said that?

You did.

You must be kidding.

I've been in love with her

since the first day she walked into my shop,

and asked if my chickens were healthy.

How come you never told me?

I knew you were married.

She still is.

Come on, Mr. Kravitz.

Stand up for your rights.

Who, me?

Say that Mrs. Kravitz belongs to you.

She always has and she always will.

Well, wait a minute.

Let's not be hasty.

Mr. Kravitz, aren't you jealous?

Yes. But I'll get over it.

I bear no hard feelings for your total ingratitude.

My ingratitude for what?

For all that I've done for you.

For the 22 years of sacrifice.

You talk about sacrifice?

You don't know what sacrifice is.

Why do you think I put up my hair in curlers,

and do beauty angles

and take facials and do exercises?

Because you like to torment me.

Wrong.

To make myself attractive to you.

Oh, I admit,

I might be fighting a losing battle,

but at least I try.

Just like I try to take care of you.

I regard the human body as a furnace,

and I regard the food that you put in it--

Mrs. Kravitz, aren't you digressing?

Isn't the point you're making that your motive is love?

Yes.

At least, it used to be.

Still is, isn't it?

Is it, Gladys?

Why?

What difference would it make?

I'll show you after you tell me.

Is your motive still love?

Yes.

It's combined with a little...hatred.

But...yes.

Okay, fella.

Get outta here before my wife and I

decide to buy our chickens elsewhere.

I-I hope you get over me!

[♪♪]

Shall we go home, my darling?

Anything you say, honeybunch.

I'll pick up my things later.

Bye-bye, Mrs. Kravitz, Mr. Kravitz.

Bye!Bye.

Phew! Nice going!

For a while, I thought you struck out.

Yeah, so did I.

Because the only spell I put on Mr. Kravitz,

was to get him to come over here.

Then everything he and Mrs. Kravitz said

was unassisted?

Straight from their hearts.

You know what that proves?

What?

It proves that the only thing

stronger than witchcraft...

is love.

I know. I'd stake my marriage on it.

[♪♪]

[♪♪]