Original subtitles

Enjoy your dinner?

Marvelous.

Car check, please, sir.

Mmm. Yeah, right here.

- Oh. - Thank you.

Phooey.

What's the matter?

I left my gloves on the table.

You're improving.

You usually remember them halfway home.

- Ha-ha. - I'll go get them.

I know how I can save you the trouble.

Like this?

You want me to?

No. I definitely, emphatically and positively do not.

[MAN WHISTLING]

Uh, what time is the floor show?

There isn't any.

Isn't this the club Bimbo?

No, it's La Petite Maison.

Who stole the club Bimbo?

I'm afraid I don't know.

I get it.

Beautiful but dumb.

In that case, let's go straight to my apartment.

No, thank you.

Look, lady.

Please. In three days I gotta be in Cleveland.

Rrr-rah!

Sir, you leave me alone,

or I promise you'll regret it.

My spirit cannot be dampened.

That's what you think.

[SNICKERING]

Uh, what's going on here?

Are you her husband?

Yes, I am. Who are you?

I'm a reformed drunk.

Sam, what happened?

He tried to pick me up, so I dampened his spirit.

With real water.

By witchcraft!

Well...

Well, what?

He was in no condition to drive.

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

I say the use of witchcraft was completely uncalled for.

And I say it was my duty to the motoring public.

That's just an excuse.

You took fiendish delight in putting that guy in his place,

and you know it.

Darrin, I resent that.

I am not a fiend.

I didn't say that. I said you took fiendish delight.

Well, you can't take fiendish delight unless you're a fiend.

You can too.

You cannot.

Boy, are you unreasonable!

No. You are.

That's what you're always saying.

Only as a last alternative.

In our four years of marriage,

I have been through 2856 last alternatives.

I never knew you kept score.

I don't.

I meant that as a wild exaggeration.

Samantha.

Yes, dear.

It's my considered opinion

that you use witchcraft at the drop of a hat.

And furthermore,

that you love it.

Darrin, that's not your considered opinion.

You're only saying that because you're angry.

I'm not angry.

Just that I'm tired of fighting a losing battle.

So I surrender.

Let's stop being hypocrites.

Let's tell the whole world your true identity.

A-are you serious?

Why not?

Could my existence be more hectic?

Yes.

I doubt it very much.

Good night.

Sturbo vectro Wrangay zeem

You're about To have a dream

And in the words of a great philosopher,

it's going to be a beaut.

We'll tell the whole world I'm a witch.

Let's start with Larry Tate.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Come in.

Larry, do you have a minute to talk to us?

To you, a minute, to Samantha, a lifetime.

Oh.

What brings you to our happy little jungle?

I do.

It's all Darrin's idea.

We have something to tell you.

Let's see if I can guess.

My guess is he'll never guess.

I, uh, think we'd better sit down.

Sure.

It isn't your marriage is it?

Yes, it's our marriage.

Well...

my advice is to just roll with the punches.

Larry, you don't understand.

Don't be greedy, Darrin.

You've had four good years,

and now that they're over, cherish them.

Aww, that's a lovely thought, Larry.

May I write it down?

So when you yell and scream at each other...

do it with kindness.

Larry, that isn't our problem.

Our problem is me.

Samantha...is different.

From whom?

From you and me.

Well, naturally.

I'm a man, and you're a man, and she's a woman.

No, she isn't.

She isn't a woman?

No.

I see.

Congratulations, sir.

That's an amazing disguise.

Darrin means that I am not a mortal woman.

I'm a witch.

Okay, kids. You got your laugh.

Now, run along and let me go back to work.

Larry, we're not kidding.

My wife is a witch.

Darrin, if you want a vacation, ask for it.

You don't have to go through this fruitcake routine.

Larry...

I am a full-fledged, card-carrying,

cauldron-stirring witch.

All right, witch-wife.

Show me the old black magic.

Where'd she go?

Well, that-- Ha-ha.

That, uh...ha-ha,

w-was done with mirrors.

Oh, uh...

How many mirrors? Two?

You had them up your sleeves.

Well, uh, how about two big mirrors?

The, uh...

The little ones were expandable.

Are you all right, Larry?

Samantha?

Yes, Larry?

With my brains...

and your voodoo...

we can control the world!

Uh, Larry, let me explain how we made the adjustment in the past

and how we hope to make the adjustment in the future.

Never mind the petty details.

Sam, with you on my team, at a generous salary,

I can juggle the stock market

and seize control of the national economy!

That's true, Larry, but...

Today the nation, tomorrow the world!

Larry, take it easy!

I can't! I'm mad with power!

Well, we're not.

We don't want to use my witchcraft

- to rule the world. - That's right.

I'm sure when you've had time to think it over, you'll dec--

I'll decide I want to rule the world.

I've wanted to rule the world ever since I was a little kid.

Oh.

We're sorry, Larry. We really are.

But just because you two don't want anything for yourselves,

let's not forget old Lar.

"Old Lar"?

I should be entitled to a modest amount of fallout, shall we say?

Just out of loyalty and friendship.

Larry, we refuse to use Samantha's power

for material gains for ourselves or anyone else!

Are you sore because I want a piece of the action?

There isn't gonna be any of that kind of action!

All right, forget it.

Forgive me for being pushy.

I thank you for the information, and...

now I find myself running late.

So, uh...

Sam.

Darrin.

- Just one more thing. - Yes, Larry?

You're fired.

Hmm.

Larry wasn't a very good sport about that, was he?

Maybe it was just a fluke.

Let's see what happens when we tell the Kravitzes.

Oh, please. Come in.

Go ahead, honey.

Um, is your wife home?

GLADYS: Abner?

Oh, hi, there.

- Hi. - Hi.

What an unexpected surprise.

We came to bring you a bit of neighborhood gossip.

We did not.

We came to clear the air.

About what?

About who I am.

Who are you?

I am a witch.

I don't believe you.

Honestly!

I don't believe her.

Uh... It's true.

She's a witch.

I knew it!

I thought you didn't believe it.

I meant I didn't believe she'd ever admit it.

I believed she was a witch from the second I met her.

The problem is, you didn't believe me.

I still don't.

I don't believe all of you.

Where is it?

Where's what?

The candid camera.

I'm being embarrassed on coast-to-coast television.

Mr. Kravitz, there's no camera.

Um, unless you need one.

There!

Did you see that?

She conjured up a camera.

[SQUAWK]

Now she changed the camera into a chicken!

[GASPS]

Was that really necessary?

Well, you wanted me to convince him, didn't you?

Just let us live.

We're young, and we wanna live.

If you must take one of us, take me.

But, Mr. Kravitz, I'm not a bad witch, I'm a good witch.

Her mother's a bad witch.

Oh, well, um...

It's been nice chatting with you.

See you soon.

Well, sweetheart...

how do you like it so far?

Um-hmm.

Um-huh.

Keep dreaming, sweetheart.

It's a few weeks later, we've told all our friends.

Somebody told the newspapers, and now you have your wish.

The whole world knows our secret.

The whole world knows I'm a witch.

ABNER: All right, folks. Right this way.

Just $1 for a comfortable seat

across from where the witch lives.

Children: 50 cents.

The price of admission includes a thrilling lecture

by Gladys Kravitz entitled

"The Samantha Stephens I Have Known and Feared".

Peanuts, popcorn. Peanuts, popcorn.

Peanuts, popcorn, right here.

Here comes a car.

- That's her husband! - That's the witch's husband!

- Let's get his autograph! - Yeah, let's go!

[ALL CLAMORING]

MAN: Mr. Samantha, may I have your autograph?

BOY: Me too!

GIRL: Isn't he handsome?

WOMAN: May I have your tie for good luck?

I'm sorry, madam,

but if you want to fly to Florida for your vacation,

you're going to have to do it by aeroplane.

My broom is booked for the season.

Hi, there! What's new?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, not much.

- I got caught in a stampede-- - [PHONE RINGS]

Excuse me.

Hello?

Speaking.

Mickey Mantle?

The Mickey Mantle?

Oh, Mr. Mantle, I'm surprised at you.

That wouldn't be fair.

If I worked it out so that you could bat .600,

I'd have to let all the other players bat .600.

And besides, I'm a Mets fan.

You're welcome, anyhow.

Goodbye.

Oh, my, this phone hasn't stopped ringing all day.

We'll have to change our number.

We've already changed it 10 times.

They keep tracking us down.

Well, how'd the job-hunting go today?

It went rotten. Ev--

[PHONE RINGS]

All my prospective employers either thought

I was too controversial or they wanted to make a package deal.

You mean like Don Drysdale and Sandy Koufax?

Mm-hmm.

They'll only hire me if they can hire you.

So they can raise their profits by witchcraft.

Oh.

Hi, sweetheart.

Daddy needs a kiss.

Uh...Tabatha?

Uh, hon?

What, uh--? What's the matter with her?

She's depressed.

By what?

None of her friends will play with her.

Because her mother's a witch?

No.

Because her mother's a witch who won't give everyone a pony.

Poor kid.

Why should she be punished for my mistake?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

You get it.

And if it's another moocher...

turn him into a chicken!

Mrs. Darrin Stevens?

Yes.

I'm Brigadier General Stanton.

This is Agent W

of our top-secret organization the HHH.

What does HHH stand for?

That's top-secret.

We'd like to confer with you and your husband.

Oh. Certainly.

Come in.

I'll get the door.

General Stanton, Agent W of the HHH, my husband, Darrin Stevens.

- How do you do? - How do you do?

Who assaulted you?

Uh, my fans.

General, next time they won't miss.

Stevens,

I regret to inform you that you,

your wife and your daughter are in grave personal danger.

We are?

Washington has been flooded with letters and telegrams

demanding that you all be burned at the stake.

Oh, well, that's ridiculous.

Witch-burning went out in the 17th century.

It's being revived.

May we be seated?

Please.

We have reason to believe that a blueprint

for your destruction is nearing completion.

They're gathering firewood from Maine to California.

Oh, piffle!

Mrs. Stevens, to the security of the United States of America,

I assure you it is not piffle.

Why not?

Because we need you.

Uh, thank you.

Not you.

Her.

You are an American witch, aren't you?

Yes.

And will you use your powers to defend your country?

- No. - Yes, she will.

Darrin, you don't want me to use my witchcraft for anything.

That was my old policy.

My new policy is...

Is what?

Whatever best serves my country.

That's well spoken, son.

We want to take the three of you

into protective custody

so we can interrogate your wife thoroughly

and at the same time,

keep you and your child under armed guard.

In other words, you want us to become military prisoners.

Guests.

Where?

We haven't decided.

We thought your wife might help us.

Oh, well, I'd be happy to.

What type of place did you have in mind?

Someplace isolated.

Say, for instance, an abandoned military installation

somewhere in the middle of a desert, with maximum security.

A nice concentration-camp atmosphere?

Yes, that's it.

When would you like us to leave?

The sooner, the better.

Tabatha?

Would you come down here a minute?

Uh, by the way, she is a witch.

There are others: my mother and Aunt Clara,

and my daddy and Uncle Arthur are warlocks.

And so is, uh, Aunt Enchantra, Aunt Hagatha, Cousin--

Oh, here, sweetheart.

You come over here and stand still. all right?

Yes, Mommy.

Ah, alrighty.

Darrin, are you ready?

Ready?

Uh, ohh...

Excuse me.

Ready for what?

To do our patriotic duty.

There go three great Americans.

[♪♪]

Where are we?

We're in protective custody.

That trailer is our new home, and this is our recreation area.

How do you like it?

I hate it!

Mrs. Stephens, Miss Stephens, interrogation time.

Yes, sir.

Come on, sweetheart.

Why are they taking Tabatha?

Because little American witches grow into big American witches.

Goodbye, daddy. I love you.

So do I.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Let me out! Let me out!

- Yes, sweetie. - Let me out!

Yes, I'll let you out right this minute.

Hekon zooma Mylo smover

Your magic dream Is now all over

Samantha, come back!

Come back from where?

Oh. You're here.

And I'm here.

Where's Tabatha?

She's in her bedroom. Why?

Well, because...

Because I was, uh...

Oh, nothing.

Oh, I just, uh...

Nothing, goo--

Good night, Sam.

Good night, sweetheart.

Pleasant dreams.

Good morning, ladies.

Good morning, sweetheart.

Good morning, daddy.

Good morning.

Here you go.

Thank you.

How'd you sleep?

Like a tot.

Darrin, I've been thinking about what you said last night.

What I said about what?

About telling the world our secret.

Let's do it.

Honey, wait a second--

I want to confess.

I want to breathe the air of truthfulness.

But-- But-- But--

Don't you?

No!

I mean, uh...

I like things the way they are.

We may have our ups and downs,

but by and large, we're pretty happy.

So let's not rock the boat.

Okay?

Well... Okay.

If you insist.

Oh, I insist.

What made you change your mind?

Oh, you might say I slept on it.

Slept on it?

Yes.

Oh.

[♪♪]