Original subtitles

Sam?

SAMANTHA: Yes, sweetheart.

Please hurry, will you, honey?

This client doesn't fool around.

I wanna be on time.

SAMANTHA: I'm hurrying, I'm hurrying.

You almost ready?

Almost, sweetheart.

Are you kidding?

You're closer to going to sleep than you are to being ready.

Oh, Darrin.

When a man lets his wife know at the last minute

that they're going to a formal dinner party

for a new business associate,

that man has no right to be annoyed.

Let's not discuss the rights of man.

Let's just step on it. On an hour's notice,

I had to contact Mother to babysit.

She was late, so I had to feed Tabatha,

and I had to press my dress and set my hair.

At least you didn't have to tote that barge

and lift that bale.

So count your blessings.

I'm gonna pull the car out.

Don't strain yourself.

ENDORA: So much for the second floor.

Would you like a... cozy attic...

or a sun deck?

A sun deck. Ah, ha, ha!

That's exactly the way

I would have designed it.

You have superb taste.

Now, come on.

Oh!

May I talk to the architect for a moment?

How many times do I have to tell you,

no you-know-what in front of Tabatha?

If you're going to ask me to babysit

at the last minute,

it's going to be on my terms.

Oh, no, it won't.

You know perfectly well that you-know-what

is forbidden around here,

and as head of this household,

I absolutely will not tolerate it.

Tyrant!

Witch!

Ouch.

[CAR HORN HONKS]

Oh.

Oh, my brush.

Where did I put my brush?

Sam, please, we're late!

[CAR HORN HONKS]

[♪♪]

[DARRIN CLEARS THROAT]

How long have you been there?

Long enough.

I don't know why I bothered pulling the car out.

Why don't we use your broom?

Darrin.

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

Everybody driving on this road tonight

managed to get here without witchcraft.

I know that, Darrin.

Everybody at the dinner tonight

managed to dress without witchcraft.

That's true.

And all we poor mortals

manage to get through every day of our lives

without witchcraft.

I-- I know. I know, but--

No buts. When we got married,

you promised to love, honor and no witchcraft.

Well...I knew you didn't wanna be late,

and so I just... speeded things up a little.

I was hurrying for you.

For me?

Well, from now on, kindly remember,

I don't need you to use your witchcraft.

I don't want you to use your witchcraft

under any circumstances.

I don't want you--

[TIRE RUMBLING]

[SIGHS]

Flat tire.

Oh?

Must have picked up a nail.

Guess so.

Good thing I wasn't going fast.

Uh-huh.

Well...I'd better go out and fix it.

Fine.

Boy, it sure is raining out there.

Pouring.

I sure would love to know

how I'm gonna change that tire

in this rain.

Any suggestions?

Just like everybody else.

With a jack.

Oh. Ha, ha, ha.

Oh, that's cute, honey.

[BOTH LAUGH]

You know,

this is what I would call

a very unusual emergency.

And, under the circumstances, I wouldn't object

to you using a little, uh...

No. Oh, no!

No, no, you were right. Uh-huh.

Everybody manages to get through

every day of his life

without witchcraft.

Well, that's true.

And everybody on this road tonight

got here without witchcraft.

That's right.

And everybody who gets a flat tire

on this road tonight

is going to change it without witchcraft.

So, far be it from me,

under any circumstances, to--

Okay, okay. Forget it!

I'll do it myself.

Thank you.

Uh, no thanks, I'm fine.

Tate, I'm leaving my old advertising agency

for only one reason.

And do you know what that is?

No, but I'd love to.

Too much talk, not enough action.

Good reason, Dwight.

I couldn't think of a better one.

And I understand your man Stephens

gives you as much action

as you get in the business.

Oh, he does. He does.

Then where is he? He's a half-hour late,

and I'm starving.

Mr. and Mrs. Stephens.

Hi, Larry, Louise.

Mr. and Mrs. Sharpe.

Darrin, what are you doing in a wet tuxedo?

Freezing.

You see, we had this flat tire

in the rain, and--

Well, that's the sort of thing

that can't be helped.

Oh, it could have been helped, all right.

Dwight, Mr. Stephens

can't just stand around like that.

No, he can't.

He's dripping all over our rug.

Come on, Stephens.

Let's see if we can't find you

some clothes to change into.

And there I stood

looking like Smokey the Bear.

[ALL LAUGH]

Oh, that's very amusing, Mr. Sharpe.

And then I remember Gwen and I went fishing

on Lake Athabasca up in Canada.

Beautiful spot.

Very romantic.

Dwight...I was never on Lake Athabasca

in my life.

Oh? [CLEARS THROAT]

Samantha, what's keeping that husband of yours?

I laid out a complete change for him.

Well, he's usually a very fast dresser.

Perhaps I should go up, and--

DARRIN: Why go up? Here I am.

[LAUGHING]

I'm glad I'm not as tall as you, Stephens.

I'd look ridiculous in my clothes.

Sam, maybe we'd better make it another night.

Nonsense. If you go home now,

you'll miss the rest of Dwight's story.

What story?

The one about the trip to Lake Athabasca...

that I didn't go on.

Ahem.

Darrin, I never noticed before,

but you've got a great pair of legs there.

Stephens, where's your sense of humor?

I left it out in the rain.

A laughingstock.

An absolute laughingstock.

This evening was a fiasco.

Well, calling Mr. Sharpe "Shorty" didn't help.

He deserved it.

Well-- Well, of course he did.

If he'd had the good sense to be a few inches taller,

none of this ever would have happened.

That's right. Make jokes.

Well, you do look funny in that little suit.

A tall man in a small suit is classically funny.

It's been funny for centuries.

And you ought to know.

Are you making allusions to my age?

If the allusion fits, wear it.

You are one step away

from making Custer's Last Stand

look like a love-in.

It's all your fault.

If you had fixed that tire in the first place--

Let's not go into that again.

Why not go into it again?

It's the root of the whole problem.

To twitch or not to twitch, that is the question.

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind

to suffer the slings and arrows

of outrageous-- That's right.

Borrow from Shakespeare.

You probably knew him personally.

There you go again.

Hinting about my age.

Well, it just so happens

that Shakespeare was more of a gentleman

than you've been tonight.

For that matter, so was Blue Beard.

And just how well did you know Blue Beard?

Not as well as I knew Henry VIII.

Sam?

Sam, where are you?!

I'm in the closet.

Ah, no. Listen to me.

Don't do anything you may regret later on.

Sam...where do you think you're going?

Bowling. That's not funny,

and you're not leaving this house.

Tabatha and I

are going home to Mother.

Just where does a witch go

when she goes home to Mother?

SAMANTHA: That's for me to know

and you to find out.

Sam!

Sam, you're my wife, and I demand

that you appear before me.

Oh, Sam.

Sam?

DARRIN: Good morning, Betty.

Good morning, Mr. Stephens.

Have there been any calls for me?

No, there haven't.

Uh, you sure there, uh,

hasn't been a call from my wife?

I'm sorry, Mr. Stephens,

but nobody called.

It's only 9:30.

Oh.

Oh, uh, right.

Oh, Darrin.

I'd like to see you for a moment.

These go right out, Betty.

[SIGHS]

Darrin, your behavior last night

was inexcusable.

Please, Larry, let's not

go over that again. Again?

This is the first chance I've had to mention it.

Dwight Sharpe had it coming.

Just because a man has it coming

doesn't mean you have to give it to him.

Especially when a man has a $500,000 account.

Exactly. Uh-huh.

Larry, let's talk about something else.

I've got more important things on my mind.

Like what? A $600,000 account?

Oh, please.

Well, fortunately for you,

I smooth-talked Sharpe out of it

for the moment. Well, thanks.

Thanks a lot.

What's the matter with you, Darrin?

Hmm?

Oh, nothing. I'm...just fine.

Sam okay?

Oh, she's fine.

Something wrong?

What could be wrong?

Why, when I left, she'd...

She was playing hide-and-seek with the baby.

And when Sam hides, she doesn't fool around.

♪ La la la la la La la la ♪

Look how well she sleeps up here.

It's this lovely, smog-free air.

I suppose so.

Maybe I should have fixed

that flat tire, after all.

I think what you need, my darling,

is to meet someone new.

Take your mind off dum-dum.

Mother, I hope you're joking.

BETTY [ON INTERCOM]: Mr. Sharpe is here.

Oh. Well, send him in.

Why would he want to see you?

Good to see you, Dwight. Tate.

Darrin and I were just talking

about last night, and Darrin feels

he owes you a tremendous apology.

He doesn't know what got into him, you know.

Suddenly he found himself-- Tate, shut up.

Stephens, if there are any apologies to be made,

I should make them.

As my wife pointed out repeatedly last night,

I behaved like a fool.

Well, I must admit,

I was a little bit of a fool myself.

Nonsense. I baited you.

And I could have easily sidestepped you.

Stephens. Uh, Darrin,

if Dwight wants to be the fool,

for heaven's sake, let him.

Okay.

You're right. You were wrong.

Good.

Now that that's settled,

I suggest we take another crack at dinner.

Marvelous. I'd love to.

How about my place again? Perfect.

Let's say tonight? Let's.

Let's not.

What do you mean, "Let's not"?

I thought you accepted my apology.

I did.

Can't we just let it go at that?

No.

I would like to apologize

to Mrs. Stephens, too.

Well, I'll call her and give her your message.

I'd prefer to apologize in person.

I'm afraid that won't be possible tonight.

Of course it's possible.

Larry, it isn't.

I mean, uh, uh, my wife is, uh,

at her mother's, and, uh--

Uh, Darrin, only two minutes ago you told me

Sam was at home with Tabatha.

Did I say that? Mm-hmm.

Well, a person's entitled

to change his mind, isn't he?

Now, what's going on here?

Are you coming to my place tonight, or not?

Oh, ho, ho.

We'll be there, Dwight.

You can count on that.

Let's say 8:00? LARRY: 8:00 it is.

Good. See you then.

See you tonight.

Why did you do that, Larry?

I told you I can't make it.

Oh, yes, you can.

There's a $500,000 account at stake, so believe me,

you'll make it. Now, get in touch with Sam,

and we'll meet you at the Sharpes' at 8...

Sharp!

[LAUGHS]

8:00 sharp at the Sharpes'.

Sam!

The phone, Darrin.

Try using the phone.

Samantha?

Oh, Darrin.

Samantha?

You know, Mother,

that fight we had became ridiculous.

We go to the point where we said things

we didn't even mean.

Sam, wherever you are,

I didn't mean it when I said

the whole thing was your fault.

I didn't mean it when I said

he wasn't a gentleman.

I-I didn't mean it when I said

you knew Blue Beard.

It's all my fault for not fixing

that silly tire.

Samantha, it was all my fault

for not accepting you

as the sweet, beautiful witch you are.

I was being willful and stubborn

and...definitely out of line.

I apologize.

I love you.

You please come home?

Darrin?

Oh.

Sweetheart, it was so small of me not to fix that tire.

I don't know how I could have been such a sorehead.

[BOTH GIGGLE]

Shh! What?

Shh, not so loud. You'll wake up Tabatha.

I just put her to sleep.

BOTH: Okay, you first.

[LAUGHING]

Okay, me first. Yeah.

This whole thing was my fault.

It was my fault,

and, if you're willing,

let's forget the whole thing.

Pretend that it never happened.

It's forgotten.

And...then we'll go to

a nice, quiet little French restaurant,

sip some champagne and celebrate.

Oh, that sounds wonderful.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh...I'll--

I'll get it, sweetheart. [LAUGHS]

Ooh, ha.

Darrin. Just dropped by to make sure that you--

Oh, hi, Sam. Hi, Larry.

Be seeing you later, Sam.

Huh?

I'll be up in a minute, sweetheart.

Larry, what are you doing here?

I just wanted to make sure that you

weren't going to blow that dinner party

at the Sharpes' tonight.

I have no intention

of having dinner with Mr. Sharpe.

Sam and I have plans.

I know you do. With Louise and me

for dinner at the Sharpes'.

I know Sam's home, so you have no excuse.

Tonight is business. Big business.

Larry, I tell you, Samantha's not in the mood

for business. Well, get her in the mood.

It's not that simple.

There's trouble in paradise.

[SCOFFS] Mother.

Oh, Samantha,

when are you going to wake up?

Don't you know what you are to Dobbin?

Darrin. A convenience.

A business asset.

Or, as the mortals say, a meal ticket.

Mother, you have Darrin all wrong.

As a matter of fact,

we're going to a little French restaurant tonight

to celebrate my homecoming.

And you are babysitting.

If you are right, I'm babysitting.

But, if you're wrong,

you, Tabatha and I are cloud-sitting.

Deal? Deal.

Good.

Listen to this.

LARRY: You're a bright boy, Darrin.

You'll think of a way.

We'll see you and Samantha

at the Sharpes' tonight.

DARRIN: Uh, Larry.

LARRY: Darrin, two last words.

Be there.

You see.

Mother is always right.

Don't be too sure.

I'll see you on Cloud Eight.

Honey, why aren't you getting ready?

Uh, ready?

For what?

For dinner.

Have you forgotten?

Not entirely.

What was it again, e-exactly?

Well...there was you and me,

and... And?

A bottle of champagne

in a cozy French restaurant.

Just the two of us?

Just the two of us.

Oh, Darrin.

Oh, I love you.

Ah, ha, ha.

Oh.

Just the two of us? Mm-hm.

Just the two of us.

That's right. The same group.

Us, the Sharpes and the Stephens.

LOUISE: Oh, are we going to play

insult the guests again?

Louise, never mind the sarcasm.

Just hurry up.

Uh...

sweetheart...

I have something to tell you.

You see, I-I made this dumb bet

with Mother.

Honey, I don't want to talk

about your mother.

Well...

Um, honey?

What did Larry want?

He doesn't come over

unless there's a good reason.

And what did he mean when he said,

"Be seeing you later, Sam?"

Honey, I don't want to talk

about Larry, either.

This is our evening.

Well, sweetheart,

I wouldn't want to stand in the way

of important business.

There is nothing more important than you.

Now, fix me a drink.

Larry, hurry And get to the phone

Or you'll end up At the Sharpes' alone.

Boy, if there's one thing I can do,

it's make a dry--

I think I'll call Darrin.

Larry, come fix this clasp for me.

Look, it's broken.

Oceans are churning Deserts are barren

Larry, won't you please Call Darrin.

If you'd just hold your wrist still--

I think I'll call Darrin.

No, you don't.

Now, just stop nagging those two.

And don't worry. They'll be there tonight.

I think I'll wear something else.

Maybe I'm being a little too poetic.

Larry, pick up that phone.

[RINGS]

Hello.

Oh, hi, Larry.

What a pleasant surprise.

Uh-huh.

Well, sure we'll be there.

Be where?

[WHISPERS] Thank you.

Right.

8:00...

sharp at the Sharpes'.

Ha, ha, ha.

Oh, yes, Larry, that's very funny.

Uh, yeah, bye.

Larry called you about tonight?

Went right by me, huh?

Well, now, sweetheart, I'm very glad he called.

No, I think it's a wonderful opportunity

to straighten out this whole mess

with the Sharpes.

Well, honey, it's not up to you

to straighten it out. It was all my fault.

No, it wasn't. If I hadn't been such...

Darrin, it was my fault. ...a hothead about it.

If I'd fixed that tire-- If I hadn't rushed you--

Cheers. Cheers.

The evening's going to be

a tremendous success.

I can just feel it.

It's certainly starting out right.

At least we're not going to be late.

[GIGGLES]

Mmm, and it's beautiful out.

There's even a moon.

Mm-hm. And good tires.

I had them checked on the way home from work.

Aw, you think of everything, don't you?

[CAR BUCKS] Almost everything.

We're out of gas.

Oh, Darrin.

And the last gas station

was at least five miles back.

Not necessarily.

Sweetheart, look.

It's funny, I never noticed that before.

Neither did I.

Isn't it amazing how quickly

they build things nowadays.

[LAUGHING] Yeah.

[♪♪]