Original subtitles

Sweetheart...I'm starting the pancakes.

DARRIN: Be right there.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Oh... Tabatha.

I hate to smother another creative urge,

but, ew...

Oatmeal is for eating, not for finger painting.

Just a minute. Ew.

[BACK DOORBELL BUZZES]

Uh, could you wait a minute, please?

There's someone at the door.

Now remember, we're going to Dr. McDonald's.

And he's gonna weigh you. So put some of that food inside.

Gas company.

I'm just gonna check the meter out here.

Oh, fine.

Always like to inform people of my presence.

Don't want to be taken for a prowler.

Yeah, no. That's a good idea.

If I'm gonna get shot, I want it to be

for a good reason.

Yes, uh, could you excuse me?

I have someone on the phone.

[FRONT DOORBELL RINGS] Oh, for Pete's sake.

Can you hang on for just a moment, please?

Eat.

DARRIN'S VOICE: Who was that on the phone?

I don't know yet.

Would you like to have your lawn mowed, ma'am?

Well, uh...

Darrin! There's a boy here.

Do you want the lawn mowed?

I'm very cheap.

Tell him no thanks. It has to be reseeded.

I can reseed it, if you tell me how.

If I knew how, I'd do it myself.

Got something burning?

[GASPS] The pancakes.

[ANGRILY] Sam!

What was that with the pancakes?

Why, um--

Oh, uh, Darrin,

I simply have to answer that phone.

Hello?

I'm sorry to have kept you waiting.

Is this what?

The Institute for Domestic Harmony?

[GIGGLES] Boy, have you got

a wrong number.

[CLICK]

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

Millions of wives all over the country

manage to cope with pancakes in a normal way.

Why can't you?

I told you.

I didn't want them to burn.

I see. You wanted me to burn instead.

All right. All right.

Next time I won't answer the phone,

and anyone who comes to the door can go hang.

You've always got some excuse, haven't you?

Darrin, I have to get Tabatha ready

to go to the doctor.

Now, I said I'm sorry.

What more can I do?

You can live up to your promise.

I try.

Not hard enough.

Darrin...why don't you go to work?

I'll go when I'm good and ready,

which, fortunately for both of us,

is right now.

Okay.

Now, remember...when we get to Dr. McDonald's office,

it's one balloon and one lollipop, okay?

Two balloons and two lollipops.

How about no balloons and no lollipops?

One balloon and one lollipop.

[RINGS DOORBELL]

[SIGHS]

Thought there was supposed to be somebody home here.

Search me.

You sure this is the right place?

One-six-two.

One-six-two.

Well, let's get started.

They'll probably show up before we leave.

I told you to go at the doctor's.

I don't get it.

They were supposed to be here hours ago.

I hope they got lost.

Are you gonna start that again?

Sue me. I like real grass.

I'm telling you this stuff looks real.

It even feels real.

Only you don't have to water it,

weed it or mow it.

I happen to like the way grass smells

when it's freshly mowed.

Well, you wouldn't if you had to mow it.

Hi, Mr. Stephens.

That's a groovy-looking lawn you got there.

Thanks.

It is?

Wait till your Daddy hears

what a good report we got from the doctor.

He's going to be very proud of his little girl.

Big girl.

Well, yeah, that's right.

You did grow three-eighths of an inch.

Now, here. Take one sip for Mommy.

And one sip for Daddy.

Oh, Sam!

I know that tone.

Better make it two sips for Daddy.

You're home early, sweetheart.

Sam, if you're looking for an argument,

I'm too tired. Pardon?

I'll admit I went a little bit overboard

about the pancakes this morning.

But that's still no reason to rub my nose in it.

In the pancakes?

No, in your witchcraft.

Now, I'm even willing to believe

that you were trying to save me some money.

But, I would like it clearly understood

that either I can afford something or I can't.

If I can't, I can't.

Well, uh, that certainly makes sense.

But nothing else you're saying does.

What on earth are you talking about?

Mm.

That.

Where did that come from?

Sam, please. Cut it out.

You mean, you think I did this?

No. I think thousands of elves arrived,

each with a blade of grass, and planted it.

Very funny.

Well, this isn't.

Darrin, I had nothing to do with it.

Then who did?

This isn't even real grass.

That only proves that even a witch

isn't perfect.

Ugh!

One of us has to be big about this.

Now, I'll admit I was too hard on you this morning

If you admit you were trying to get back at me

by zapping in that lawn.

Pass the lamb chops, please.

Afraid I'll get sore? I promise I won't.

The lamb chops, please.

You're entitled to an emotional upset,

just like any other woman in the world.

Af--

Another act of defiance, huh?

Why couldn't you just ask me to pass it?

What's the difference?

I might as well be hung for a lamb chop as a lawn.

Sam, believe me,

you'll sleep much better

if you'll just admit it once and for all.

Darrin...I would like to make a statement.

You mean, you're ready to tell the truth?

Yes. Well, I'm listening.

The truth is, I am up to here with that stupid grass.

I would like desperately

not to hear another word about it.

And I would like to go to sleep.

I see.

Okay, I won't say anything more.

Thank you.

Except for this.

Even if you won't admit it... I forgive you.

That's very generous.

But if it's all the same to you,

I do not want to be forgiven for something I didn't do.

And I am going to bed.

Will you take care of one thing first?

Get rid of it.

All right.

Thunder, dunder Seven-day wonder

Look below And see this blunder

Spirits all who Roam the night

Take this greenery From my sight

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

See.

Don't you feel better now that you've admitted it?

Sorehead.

Thanks.

[DOORBELL RINGS] [GASPS]

[GROANS]

[SIGHS]

Hate to bother you so early, but, uh,

what happened to it?

I, uh--

What?

Our grass.

Grass?

Uh, who, uh-- Who are you?

Uh, that's-- That's who we are.

Artificial grass?

Like he never heard of it.

That turf we laid down yesterday

is worth 2,000 bucks.

What'd you do with it?

Uh, well, uh, let me, um--

Uh, who told you to put it, uh--

Why did you deliver it here?

Because you've got the wrong number on your house is why.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes, indeedy.

Well, uh...

[LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY]

Naturally, uh, you're surprised.

Uh, frankly, so am I.

You see, I thought that my wife put that--

Uh, that is, when we realized it was a mistake,

uh, my wife took it away.

Your wife?

Your wife picked up 1,500 square feet of grass?

Well, not her, uh, personally.

Naturally, she had, uh, help.

But you don't care about that.

You just want your grass back, right?

That's right.

I'll see that you get your grass back.

You know, you're not making too much sense.

Oh, he is to me.

He's got it stashed somewhere and he's gonna sell it.

That's ridiculous.

You, uh, check with me later, and I'll give you

further details.

Who was that at the door?

Uh, heh, uh, wrong number.

What?

I mean, wrong address.

Uh, Sam, I've been thinking.

Last night I jumped to a conclusion.

I was wrong. I'm sorry.

Who was at the door?

Oh, uh, j-just a couple of men looking for, uh...

Sam, the truth is, that grass was put in by mistake.

It's worth $2,000, and I'm responsible for it.

I see.

Sam, they're coming back.

They expect to find that grass.

You realize, of course,

that I'll have to use witchcraft to get it back.

Of course.

And suddenly, that doesn't bother you?

Sure, it does. But what else can I do?

I don't know.

Why can't you just cope with the situation,

like any other mortal husband.

Because your average mortal husband

doesn't have a wife who can remove a whole lawn.

And she doesn't have a husband who is inconsistent.

Sam, this is no time to start an argument.

I see.

When would be the best time?

Are you going to cooperate or not?

I haven't made up my mind.

The other alternative is to pay the $2,000,

and you can cut down on your household expenses.

I Just made up my mind.

Oh, Sam.

Oh, thank you.

And I'll make it up to you. I promise.

I'll even be nice to your mother.

I may get ill, but I'll do it.

You can begin by not insulting her.

I didn't insult the old warhorse.

It's okay. Go on, go on.

Hallow, fallow, rooster's cry As the sun climbs in the sky

Spirit of light Bring back the lawn

That these mortal fools did spawn.

What, uh-- What's wrong?

I don't know.

Are you sure you've got the right spell?

Positive.

Someone must be counteracting it.

But who?

"Let the dumb cluck bail himself out."

Signed, the Old Warhorse.

Oh, Darrin.

Well...that's the last time I try to be nice to her.

Sam, the only way I got rid of those guys

was by telling them I'd check with my wife.

What do I tell them the next time?

My wife is checking with her mother?

Sweetheart, I'm sorry.

But you shouldn't have offended her.

Now, if she doesn't take off that counterspell,

I can't do anything about the lawn.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

You see who it is.

I'll keep trying to contact Mother.

My name's MacLane. I live up the street.

Oh, and my name's--

I know. I know.

What did you do with my grass?

Oh. Um...

You're the one who-- Yeah.

They told me they installed it here by mistake.

And why have you got my numbers on your house?

Oh, uh, well, they're not the same.

It's, uh, loose, uh, see?

Funny coincidence, isn't it?

Not to me, it isn't.

Where did it go?

Well, uh, the whole thing's a mystery to me.

The whole thing.

But you're welcome to look around.

I'm sure I don't have it.

But the company told me they delivered it here.

Now, wait a minute.

Before you go making allegations,

I think you better see a lawyer, and furthermore--

[BIKE BELL RINGS] Hey, Mr. Stephens.

What happened to that beautiful green lawn

you had yesterday?

Oh, you better tell me what happened to my lawn, buddy.

N-now, wait.

Uh, don't do anything that you'll regret later on.

Uh, things like this are never solved by physical force.

I think I should warn you

that I fought as a middleweight in the navy.

And I make it a rule never to fight out of my class.

[GASPS] Good grief.

Well, you're gonna have to change your rule,

because I'm gonna bust you right in the bazoo.

[GASPS]

Ow!

Just you wait, boy.

I'm not only going to get you for theft,

I'm gonna sue you for assault and battery.

Sweetheart, are you all right?

Yes. And thanks, Sam.

You're a great referee.

Any luck with your mother?

Oh, she's just being obstinate.

What are we gonna do?

I was thinking about that, between punches.

We've got to try something drastic.

Come on.

Darrin, I'm not sure this makes sense.

Why not?

Your mother's counterspell only applies to our lawn.

It won't stop you from putting that artificial grass

where it was supposed to go in the first place.

It's simple logic.

Yeah, but how are you going to explain

how it got there? That's the best part.

I won't. That big ox will.

Okay. Let her rip.

Hallow, fallow, rooster's cry As the sun climbs in the sky

And the spirits Of the day are seen

Change this lawn To verdant green.

You see? It worked. It worked.

I'm off the hook.

Pretty good job, huh?

It's beautiful.

This artificial grass is the greatest.

Maybe we should get some for our lawn.

Sam.

Well, I meant the regular way.

You know something?

If I didn't know it was artificial,

I would be willing to bet--

Sam. Huh?

It is real grass.

What?

Oh my goodness.

Maybe you used the wrong spell?

Or, maybe I can't produce artificial grass,

only the real thing.

What kind of sense does that make?

Quick, before somebody--

Elvira!

We've got our lawn. Come here, quick.

Elvira, where are you?

I'm coming. I'm coming.

When did they put it in?

MR. MACLANE: It must have been while we were arguing.

How about that? Is that terrific?

I told you before and I'll tell you again.

I like real grass.

Are you gonna stand there

and tell me that doesn't look real?

Not to me, it doesn't.

It even feels real.

Is that clever?

They have crabgrass in it to make it look more realistic.

It even smells like real grass.

Here. Look at it. Feel it.

It's your grass. You feel it.

Boy, are you stubborn.

Quick, Sam.

While they're inside, make some artificial grass.

I'm not sure I can. Try?

W-well, all right. Let me think a minute.

We may not have a minute.

I think I've got it.

Yeah, I hope.

Philisin, Follisin Spirits that fly

Let me give it Another try

Replace this velvety Carpet of green

With artificial grass Of waxen sheen.

Huh? Nothing happened.

Well, it's a little hard to tell.

Ha-ha.

For your information, this is genuine

artificial grass.

Honey, that's great.

I knew you could do it.

Now, let's get out of here before--

Come out here and really look at it this time.

This is even better than the samples they showed me.

Now, now bend down and feel it.

[SIGHS]

Well?

This feels like real grass?

Ah, you won't admit it, huh?

I'll only admit one thing.

You've been drinking too much beer.

Stubborn! That's what you are.

I think we started a family feud.

Sweetheart, I have news for you.

That feud started the day they got married.

Did I ever tell you, you're not only talented,

but loveable? [GIGGLES]

Mm! Darrin, please, there's a robin watching us.

So what?

Let him get his own girl.

Darrin, this is silly.

No, it isn't.

It's the least I can do to make up for yesterday.

[LAUGHS] Well, okay.

Um, I think I'll pour the coffee

while I'm waiting for the pancakes.

Ah, no, you don't.

Not in my restaurant.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it. Uh...

SAM: Darrin!

He's in a very generous mood this morning.

Sweetheart... guess who's back?

Oh, hi there.

I noticed your lawn didn't look any better

than it did yesterday.

Don't you want me to reseed it?

Okay, pal. You got a deal.

Gee, thanks a lot.

I'll do a real good job.

I got this book on how to do it, see?

I see.

Well, I'll start right after school.

Bye.

Bye-bye.

Cute.

So are you.

That was very sweet.

Well, what's the sense kidding?

I'm a sweetheart.

Sweetheart. Mmm.

Mm. Now, Darrin. Darrin, you better stop.

You'll be late for--

The pancakes! Oh, my gosh.

Are they ruined?

I'll take a look.

[WINCES]

How do you feel about charcoal-broiled pancakes?

Sweetheart, why don't you sit down

and let me make breakfast?

Okay. Okay.

And thank you, Sam, for letting them burn.

Don't you worry, sweetheart.

I've learned my lesson.

[MOUTHS] I love you.

[KISS]

[♪♪]