Original subtitles

[♪♪]

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Hi, honey. Bad news.

I have a lot of changes to make in a presentation,

so I'll have to work tonight.

Oh, sweetheart. That's a shame.

Shall I keep dinner warm?

No thanks, honey.

I'll probably work past midnight.

I sent out for a sandwich.

I'm sorry about dinner tonight.

Well, that's all right.

It'll be just that much more fun tomorrow night.

It's a deal.

Anything new there?

You'll be happy to know

we got a postcard from your folks.

It says, "Having a très gay time.

Wish you were ici."

It's from Paris,

and it's dated last week.

Oh, good.

Well, I'd better get back to work.

Bye-bye, sweetheart.

All right, sweetheart. Bye-bye.

[SIGHS]

[BANGING]

Oh!

G-g-good evening, S-S-S-S-Samantha.

Aunt Clara!

What were you doing in the refrigerator?

Oh, well, I just came back from England.

I, uh, came back

via the, um, p-p-polar r-r-route.

P-polar route?

I hope I haven't crushed your lettuce.

Oh, my goodness.

Ooh!

Oh, be careful, dear. Yes.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Yes. I'm still a bit chilled.

Yes, well, here. Sit down. Sit down.

Aunt Clara, dear, don't you think

it would have been safer if you'd used the front door?

No, that would be like giving up the ghost.

Ghost?

Oh, my! Ghost.

What ghost?

McTavish.

The one I wanted you to get rid of.

Um, Aunt Clara,

I'm afraid I'm not following this at all.

So why don't we have a nice cup of coffee

and you can explain the whole thing

from the beginning, all right?

Ghost, huh?

Yes, and a very disagreeable one at that.

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

Now wait a minute. Let me see if I've got this straight.

Your old boyfriend Ockie

has just acquired a castle in England,

and now he calls himself

Lord Ockham, Duke of Dunstable.

Doesn't that sound genteel?

Yes, very.

Um, anyway.

He calls it Dunstable-on-Tyne.

And last night he opened it as a tourist hotel,

but that dreadful McTavish--

Uh, he's the castle ghost.

And the guests are frightened to death.

Oh, Samantha, it's just not funny.

[SIGHS]

Well, Aunt Clara, I don't see how I can help you.

Witches don't have any power over ghosts.

Yes, I-I know,

but I thought if you talked to him,

you being queen and all,

maybe the prestige of the crown...

Uh, you don't think so, huh?

You know I can't go hopping over to England.

Darrin doesn't approve of these things.

Uh, by the way where is Darrin?

He's working tonight.

Oh, oh, that's too bad, dear.

I could keep you company

if I didn't have to get back

and give Ockie the bad news.

Tsk-tsk-tsk.

Aunt Clara,

you're still here.

Well, I am the dumb witch.

Would you like me to help?

Oh, Samantha, if you would.

And it wouldn't take long.

Only a half an hour or so.

Aunt Clara, for a dumb witch,

you're pretty tricky.

No, I'm not pretty.

Okay, Aunt Clara. I'll try and help.

Under the circumstances, I don't think Darrin will mind.

Oh, that's marvelous,

and Ockie will be so pleased.

Okay.

I'd better get going.

Now, you'll have to stay with Tabatha

until I get back.

Aunt Clara,

wish me luck.

Good...

luck.

It seems so easy when she does it.

McTavish.

McTavish, old bean.

I want a word with you.

Lord Ockham, I presume.

Well, you needn't startle a chap like that.

Oh! Samantha!

Tallyho, old girl.

Delighted you could come.

Where's the ghost?

I was expecting to find the place in an uproar.

It has been, off and on.

You see, the place is so big,

they can't pin him down.

He appears in one place,

scares one of the guests half to death,

then disappears before I can get there.

Well, why don't you just pop in when he does?

Tried it once. Ended up in the moat.

[MAN ROARS]

[CACKLING & CLANKING]

There he is again.

McTavish!

Will you kindly materialize?

There's someone here wants to talk with you.

Say something, Samantha.

Uh...

Mr. McTavish?

McTAVISH: You'll never catch McTavish,

ya cursed intruders!

[McTAVISH CACKLING]

If there's one thing I can't stand,

it's a pushy ghost.

[CACKLING]

Samantha! Samantha!

I told Larry the presentation would just have to wait.

Oh. Darrin.

What are you doing here?

Aunt Clara, what are you doing here?

Uh, I asked you first.

Oh, well, um,

I decided that Sam was such a good sport

about my working late at the office that I, uh...

Where, uh...? Where is Samantha?

Oh, she, uh...

didn't expect you until later, so she went.

Went?

Went where?

To England, of course.

Oh. England?!

Well, that's right, dear. How did you know?

Wh-wh-wh-what is she doing in England?

She's helping Ockie to get rid of McTavish.

Who's McTavish?

The ghost, of course.

Now, Aunt Clara, I want you to listen very carefully.

You're to find Sam and tell her to come home immediately.

Do you understand?

I don't think I can get there from here

without Samantha's help.

She's there, and I'm here.

Well, I think we'll just have to wait

until she gets back.

[McTAVISH CACKLING]

[WHISPERS] McTavish.

Well, you heard it yourself, Frank.

Something is laughing and clanking out here.

Oh, Phyllis, for heaven sakes.

That stuff is all rigged for the tourists.

An English castle wouldn't be worth its salt

without a ghost.

[McTAVISH LAUGHING]

McTavish? [McTAVISH LAUGHING]

Frank.

Frank, come back here immediately.

[McTAVISH LAUGHING]

Phyllis, is it asking too much for me to get some sleep?

Frank.

Frank, you're not going to believe this,

b-b-but I just saw Samantha,

right down there.

Argh.

I-I-I know what I saw Frank.

She was right there.

I ought to know my own daughter-in-law.

[McTAVISH SCREAMS]

Phyllis, this is pretty close to being

the silliest thing you have ever done.

Silly, is it?

I guess it isn't pretty silly

that Lord Ockham told us the girl that I saw

was the Duchess of Stephens.

That's pretty logical.

Stephens is a fine old English name.

Yes, operator, I'm waiting.

And I don't think it's silly

to want to know what Samantha's doing

in an English castle,

when she should be home taking care of my son.

Hello?

Hello, Darrin.

[SWEETLY] It's Mother.

Uh, hello, Mother.

Where are you calling from?

England.

Oh, that's marvelous.

I hope you're enjoying yourself.

Oh, we're fine, just fine.

Sam?

Oh, she's, uh-- She's fine.

She's fine too. Fine.

Could I speak to her, dear?

Well, uh...

Gimme that.

Hello, son.

Son, this is Dad.

Now just forget that we called.

Look, we're staying in this old English castle

that's supposed to be haunted,

and it's got your mother all upset.

She actually thought that she saw Samantha

roaming around the halls.

Isn't that ridiculous?

Yes, that certainly is ridiculous.

Well, you tell Mom just to relax and have a good time.

You too, Dad. Goodbye.

Aunt Clara, my folks are there!

You've got to get to Samantha!

I-I-I'm working on it.

[STAMMERS]

I'm working on it.

He said that she is in bed asleep.

And that's exactly where I'm going.

Now, if you want to stay up all night and worry, be my guest.

I could have sworn...

[SCOFFS]

All right, Frank.

I'm coming.

Frank! Frank!

Th-the suit of armor...

Oh, Frank!

Well, what do you know?

I made it.

Bingo.

[CACKLING & CLANKING]

[WHISPERS] Mr. McTavish.

Mr. McTavish?

[McTAVISH SCREAMS]

[YELLS]

[CACKLING]

[YELLING]

Oh, very impressive.

Are you not terrified by my horrible visage?

I don't think it's so horrible.

Perhaps if I removed my head from my Gaelic shoulders.

You have very nice eyes.

You have no sense of the proper way to act

around a ghost.

What manner of lassie are you?

My name is Samantha Stephens.

I'm a witch.

Oh, one of those.

Like that half-baked, puny excuse for an English laird,

Lord Ockham.

If you don't like Ockie, why don't you leave?

Me leave?

Kevin McTavish, the fifth Earl of Angus,

that's lived in this castle for 500 years?

To please a weak-kneed warlock

that sends a lassie to do his bidding?

Never!

Well, if you won't leave,

will you at least stop scaring the guests?

Well, that's what ghosts do, lassie.

Scare people.

What would you have me do at my age,

learn a trade?

You do have a point there.

But I must say, if I were a ghost,

I'd find a much better place to haunt than this.

What's the matter with this place?

Well, for one thing,

it's cold and drafty and damp.

Aye.

You know, lassie,

you may be a witch,

but you have an understanding heart.

Mr. McTavish,

you seem like a sensible ghost.

Why let your pride stand in the way

of finding a more comfortable place to haunt?

But where would I go?

You have the whole world to choose from.

Italy, France...

You could even come to America,

find yourself a nice, airy place

with central heating and air-conditioning.

You have those things in America?

Sure we do.

And America's a much younger country,

so we don't have as many ghosts.

Lassie, I've got to admit it.

You've made a deep impression on me.

[WHISPERS] Samantha, Samantha.

Are you in there?

Did you hear that? He's calling Samantha.

Well, there's more than one Samantha in the world, Phyllis.

We'll soon see.

Excuse me, excuse me.

I'm looking for someone.

Wait, Madam. You can't go in there.

Oh.

I'm-- I'm sorry, Lord Ockham,

but when she gets an idea in her head,

just relax, let her have her way.

You think it over, because--

Samantha! Oh, yipes!

Don't you ever knock before entering a room?

[SCREAMS]

Oh!

Your Majesty.

Hi.

I guess Aunt Clara explained what happened.

Where is Aunt Clara?

Out looking for you.

Oh, dear.

She did explain that it was an emergency, didn't she?

Sure.

Then you're not angry with me?

Angry?

Of course, it's going to be a little difficult

explaining to my mother.

Now, sweetheart, she only saw me for a second,

and the room was very dark.

Well, she couldn't possibly have been sure it was me.

And that makes everything all right.

Then you aren't angry?

How could I be angry?

I don't understand.

If I had any vision,

I would realize

that you can't take a proud bird

born to ride the wings of the wind

to live in the sparkle of a star,

and pen it up in a domestic coop,

and expect it to walk around with a smile on its beak.

Darrin, have you been drinking?

Everything is very clear.

Your mother's been right all along.

You have been drinking.

Just enough to realize

you can't snatch an eagle out of the sky

Darrin. Darrin! and tie it to the ground--

Darrin,

I am sorry about what happened tonight.

But I-I thought you'd be working late,

and I planned to be home before you got home.

And anyway, I-I really thought you'd understand,

and I was going to tell you about it anyway.

The fact remains

that normal housewives do not go to England

to get rid of ghosts

just because their husbands have to work late.

Are those for me?

Yes.

Sweetheart, I said I'm sorry.

Now, what more do you want me to say?

Say, "I love you."

I love you.

Aah!

McTavish!

Wh-what are you doing here?

I decided to take you up on your offer.

I've had a look around,

and I think I shall be very happy here.

Oh!

Well? Heh, heh!

No buts about it,

he's got to be out of here

by the time I get home tonight.

All right, sweetheart.

But every time I try and talk to him,

he goes on about how much he appreciates

my inviting him here,

and what a nice house this is to haunt.

You have till sundown.

I'm sure I can convince him it was all a mistake.

Mistake? He's a catastrophe.

Don't worry, sweetheart.

I'll work it out.

Hm.

I hope.

[BUZZ]

Yes. WOMAN: Mr. Stephens,

Mrs. Stephens is on the phone.

Thank you.

Sam, is he gone?

Mother!

Uh, Mother, isn't it awfully expensive

to keep calling from England?

We're not in England, dear.

We're at the airport.

We took a direct flight.

At the airport?

We'll explain everything when we see you.

We're taking a cab to your house.

I'm so anxious to see Samantha.

No, Mother, don't do that!

Why not, dear?

Isn't Samantha there?

Sure, of course she's there.

We just want to see you all at home. Bye.

He's protecting her.

Let's go.

[RINGS]

Hello?

Sam, we have an emergency.

My folks are on the way over there.

Your folks are in England.

Not anymore.

My mother won't be satisfied until she sees you home.

Then what's the problem? I'm here.

So is that ghost! Now get rid of him!

Darrin, ghosts are very stubborn.

Couldn't you ward them off until--?

[BANGING]

Oh, maybe that's him now. See you later.

Uh, s-see you late--

Mr. McTavish?

Mr. McTavish, is that you?

Ockie, for heaven's sake!

That'll teach me to use Clara's directions.

What are you doing here?

We've had an emergency.

I've been completely wrong about McTavish.

The guests love him.

They expect an English castle to have a ghost.

He's turned out to be the main attraction.

I've got to get him back.

McTAVISH: Well, you can whistle for me,

you puny lairdship.

Aye, heh, heh.

I've got a new home now. Right, lassie?

McTavish, please come back.

I apologize for all the things I said about you.

Not on your life, laddie.

I'm well rid of you.

Looks like a buyer's market, McTavish.

It wouldn't hurt to dicker a little.

Hey, you're a clever lass.

Why should I leave a cozy wee place like this

that has, um, central heating?

I'll put in central heating.

Aye, for the winters. But what about the summer?

The humidity's terrible for my rheumatism.

I'll air-condition the place.

Hurry up, Frank. Tell him to keep the change.

You'll have to get rid of the moat.

Breeds mosquitoes. How can I get rid of the moat?

Hey, you're supposed to be a warlock, aren't you?

Use an incantation.

I'm afraid that's beyond me.

I'm semi-retired.

Then so am I.

Right here.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Samantha, please,

you've got to make him come back.

We need him.

Frank.

Frank, that's Lord Ockham's voice.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

All right, McTavish.

I'll get rid of the moat for you.

Agreed? Agreed.

Now you'll both have to go.

[SIGHS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Samantha?

Why, Mrs. Stephens, come in.

Mr. Stephens. Hello.

What are you doing here?

Darrin said you phoned last night from England.

Who else is here?

I distinctly heard voices.

Voices?

SAMANTHA: It must have been the television set.

I was watching an old movie while I was cleaning the house.

I tell you, Sam, you've just got to get him back.

He was the best sheriff this town ever had.

You know, for a second, Phyllis,

you almost had me believing you.

Could I fix you some tea, Mrs. Stephens?

Oh, thank you, Samantha.

I think I'm having another one of my sick headaches.

Aw.

I tell you, son, your mother got so carried away

with this ghost business.

You know, they get it all up for the tourists.

It gives them a good scare, and they love it.

But your mom got so confused

she actually thought

that she saw Samantha there.

Made me take the first flight home

to prove it to me. Isn't it amazing

what a vivid imagination can do?

But I understand it.

There've been times when ghosts had me pretty scared too.

Well, I-- I must admit I feel pretty foolish.

Aw.

Don't worry about it, Mom.

We're glad to see you anyway.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, I wonder who that can be.

Excuse me.

I took your advice, dear,

and came in the conventional way.

Aunt Clara, what a surprise.

Come right in.

Hello.

Look who's here, Darrin.

Aunt Clara, you remember Darrin's parents?

Oh, but of course, of course.

Well, dear, nice to see you again.

Thank you.

Samantha, dear, I have a present for you

from an old admirer.

And he said,

"Thanks for getting rid of the moat."

[SCREAMS]

What a strange reaction.

I think he's rather handsome.

Well?

[♪♪]