Original subtitles

[♪♪]

Oh, my stars!

"The Purple Panthers, a motorcycle gang,

"invaded a peaceful love-in last night at Union Park,

causing a riot.

When the police arrived--"

Coffee ready?

All poured.

I'll get the toast.

Uh, just coffee this morning, honey.

Oh.

I can't figure this one out. What, dear?

It's supposed to be a picture of some trouble at a love-in.

Oh.

Well, maybe it was out of sight.

Mm-hm.

May I have my paper, please?

Oh, ha-ha.

Oh, never mind. I'm late anyhow.

Aw.

Bye, hon. Bye-bye, sweetheart.

Bye.

[DOOR CLOSING]

Was this trip necessary?

Yes. And it's just a local stop on your way back

to your freak-out in Soho.

Sam, why are ya bugging me?

I was having a perfectly groovy time in jail.

Ho!

I know.

I was leading my cellmates in a love chant.

Serena. I read all about your escapades in the paper.

And if it hadn't been for a little artful dodging,

Darrin would have too.

So?

Well, it's just that, um...

Darrin's a little old-fashioned

about some things.

But, Sammy.

I'm preaching one of the most

old-fashioned things around.

Love, love, love.

TABATHA: Hi.

Hi, Auntie Serena.

Oh, Tabatha, sweetie.

Oh, Sammy, she misses me.

Auntie Serena play music?

Of course Auntie Serena will play for you.

Not now, Serena.

Why don't you come back a little later?

Say, about, ten years later.

It's a good thing I know you're kidding.

Come on, Tabatha.

Auntie Serena will teach you

a little "Rock-a-Bye Baby"

to a rock-'n'-roll beat.

[GUITAR PLAYING]

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

Louise? Mm-hm?

How long is it since you've seen Samantha?

Oh gosh, about a month.

In fact, I was thinking of calling

to find out what she's been up to.

I think I can tell you.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

I can't believe it.

Well, neither can I.

That can't be Samantha.

No? Then who is it?

You will never convince me that one of my best friends,

if not my very best friend, has suddenly become a hippie.

Not so suddenly.

You just said you hadn't seen her for a month.

Well, a person can't change

their entire character in a month.

Really? You changed yours in a day.

What?

The day we got married.

Do you have any idea

what this kind of publicity could cost McMann and Tate?

Larry, it's all right

if you make a fool of yourself in front of me.

I married you, for better or for worse.

But promise me you won't say a word to Darrin.

Are you kidding?

Gimme credit for a little sense.

Good morning.

Morning.

How's Samantha?

Fine. Good.

It's been so long since Louise and I have seen you and Sam, uh,

I wondered if you'd like to

get together for a little bridge tonight.

At your place.

You're invited.

Fine.

Now can we discuss the Giddings tractor account?

Uh, tomorrow.

But Giddings is coming in tomorrow.

I want to know whether or not I'm handling his account.

I said tomorrow. Ha-ha.

Now, let's not talk business during office hours, huh?

Bye-bye. See you tonight.

[♪♪]

Um...why did he have to pick tonight?

I don't know.

He just kind of invited himself.

I didn't know how to get out of it.

Well, uh, sweetheart, I-I love having them.

It's just that...

Well, tonight's a little awkward.

Well, why? Did you ask someone else?

[GUITAR PLAYING]

♪ Rock-a-bye baby To a rock-'n'-roll beat ♪

♪ Your pa is at the discotheque Waggin' his seat ♪

♪ Your ma's stringin' beads From her head to her feet ♪

♪ So rock-a-bye baby To a rock-'n'-roll beat ♪

Cute, huh?

Serena!

You called, oh, square one?

What are you doing here?

Uh, she-- She was singing Tabatha a lullaby.

That's a lullaby?

Number one on the charts.

Where you been?

I'll tell you where I've been.

I've been under the impression

that it was perfectly clear to you

that you're not welcome in this house.

Watch it, sweetheart. No, I'll handle this.

As far as Tabatha's concerned...

I forbid you to sing any more

of your so-called lullabies.

Cousin-in-law.

When you use words like "forbid"

to me, smile.

I was perfectly happy coolin' it in the cooler,

till Sam zapped me out.

You were what?

Uh, it isn't important, sweetheart.

Aw, don't put me down, cuz.

It was important enough for my picture

to be on the front page of the paper.

Now I get it.

"Riot at Love-In."

You zapped her picture

out of the paper this morning.

Well, um, I didn't want you

to worry, sweetheart. And that explains Larry.

He must have seen that picture too.

He thought it was you. No wonder he kept asking,

"How's Samantha?"

[LAUGHING]

And that kook laughs.

What'd you call me?

Kook!

Sammy.

Does Tabatha like artichokes? Now, Serena--

Tell him he's going too far, Sammy.

Darrin, you're going too far.

I'll go even farther.

By suggesting that you go a little farther.

Like back where ya flew from.

Someday, you'll say you're sorry.

Oh, Serena, he didn't...mean it.

Oh, Darrin, I wish you hadn't done that.

It worked, didn't it?

She's gone.

[GIGGLING]

But not for long.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi, Louise. Larry.

Hi, Samantha. Hi.

Well, come on in.

It's been too long.

Darrin's helping me fix some snacks.

We'll only be a moment.

Let me have your coats.

Fix yourselves a drink.

See how wrong you were, Larry?

You were wrong. Admit it.

Okay, I was wrong.

But you'll have to admit,

whoever it was sure looked like...

[♪♪]

Samantha.

Where have we seen that before?

Like in this morning's paper?

Sweetheart, there are mornings

when you don't get a chance to read the paper.

Now, this could have been one of those mornings for Larry.

So, why bring it up if it isn't necessary?

Why?

Well, what of it?

Lots of people have guitars.

But not too many guitars

have all that psychotic paint on them.

That's psychedelic.

Shh. Put it down.

Sam, Darrin,

I was just wondering--

Before we get started, why don't we watch

our Springer Pet Food commercial.

It's on just after the news.

Good idea.

Fine.

Oh, you don't have your drinks.

I'll get them.

Uh, how about the boys playing the girls tonight, huh?

NEWSCASTER: And for our final human predicament

we switch our scene to the county jail,

where the elite of hippie society

is now in residence.

Hippies and the police

have had an active relationship in the past,

but nothing quite as active as today,

when the high priestess of the movement

did a vanishing act from the jail cell

that would have baffled Houd--.

Darndest thing.

Uh, Samantha's cousin, Serena, turned hippie.

Oh, her cousin, eh?

We do look very much alike.

Do you?

Deal.

Uh, heh-heh. Right.

Five-card stud.

Jacks or better to open.

Darrin, we're playing bridge.

Oh, right.

They just look alike.

They always have looked alike.

They always will look alike.

It's one of mother nature's nasty little tricks.

But Sam is Sam, and Serena is Serena.

And Sam couldn't be Serena if she tried, and vice versa.

I'd like to believe you, Darrin.

Why would I lie to you?

If Louise turned hippie, I'd lie to you.

And I'd understand.

But in this case, it just doesn't happen to be true.

Scout's honor?

That's a load off my mind.

And to show you what kind of a sport I am

for making a mistake, I accept your apology...

If you'll accept mine.

[LAUGHING]

Okay, joke's over.

Mr. Giddings will be here any minute.

Every man in the office is after this account,

but you're going to get it. And you know why?

Why?

Because you speak his language.

Language?

I hope he isn't Italian, I've been through that.

He's early American.

All the old-fashioned virtues.

Man of the soil, all that nonsense.

[PAGER BUZZES]

It's probably him. Yes?

SECRETARY: Mr. Giddings is waiting

in your office, Mr. Tate.

Thank you.

I'll go get him, set him up.

Then it's your bale of hay. So start pitching.

Darrin, say howdy to Mr. Giddings.

Darrin Stephens.

Howdy, sir. Howdy.

Won't you sit down, sir.

Thank you.

Uh, Tate here tells me

that you were brought up on a farm.

That's right, sir.

Good.

Family man, I suppose.

Indeed he is.

Darrin's married to a fine, young,

early-American type lady.

Bakes her own bread.

Right in the old stone hearth.

Home-baked bread?

Well, Mr. Stephens, you're a very lucky man.

[CHUCKLING]

[PAGER BUZZES]

Yes? Mr. Stephens, your wife is here

to join you for lunch.

My wife?

I didn't have a date with Samantha.

Just tell her to run along.

Since when does a wife have to make a date

with her husband?

I'd be mighty pleased to have her go along.

Send her in.

Home-baked bread, huh?

[CHUCKLING]

[♪♪] Hi, sugar!

Pops.

This is a girl who bakes her own bread?

Now, cut that out.

Uh, Mr. Giddings, Larry, thi--

Have you flipped?

Since when do ya have to introduce me

to Snow White and Handsome?

Stop it, Sam.

This is Mr. Giddings, of Giddings Tractor.

Oh!

Giddings Tractor and his Psychedelic Six.

Man, I play your records all the time.

Tate, is she out of her mind?

Compliments will get you everywhere,

you old charmer.

Please, Serena.

This is no place for games.

You're making a fool of yourself.

He's blown his cool.

Always does when he's hungry.

Oh, hey, listen.

I know a groovy little beanery called the Double Bubble.

Cut it out, Sam. A joke's a joke.

She's not Sam. She's Serena.

[GASPING]

Oh!

Mr. Giddings.

What do you think of a man

who denies knowing his own wife?

Well, under certain circumstances, young lady,

I can, uh-- I can understand it.

Why are you doing it, Sam?

Man, that straight life can be a drag.

A girl's gotta have her...

Kicks!

Oh, for heaven's sakes.

Mr. Giddings, I'm sorry.

There's been some terrible misunderstanding.

Come on. We'll go into my office.

You--

I told you, baby,

when you put the knock on love,

you asked for a mess of trouble.

Well, you're--

Where is she? Where is she!

Sam, where are you?

Uh, Sam?

Uh, Serena. She's, uh, gone.

She left.

I didn't see her go.

She must have gone through the--

[BABBLING]

W-w-why ask for answers at a time like this?

No, you're right.

Giddings is out there, trembling with rage.

Now tell me, how are we gonna explain Sam to him?

How? How?!

Larry, listen.

I'm listening. I'm listening.

It's simple. We tell him the truth.

That that was Serena, Sam's, uh, kooky cousin.

And she has a very weird sense of humor.

Darrin, I didn't get to be

the head of an advertising agency,

without stretching the truth now and then.

I might honestly say

that I'm one of the best truth stretchers

in the business.

But don't ask me to try to sell

a cockamamie story like that.

Larry, that girl that was in here was Seren--

Darrin.

Remember, you're talking to your best friend.

Sam is in bad shape.

Louise's cousin is a psychoanalyst.

Now, just let me give him a call.

I guess there's no sense in trying

to explain it to you, is there?

You just won't give up, will ya?

Larry, I'm sorry we lost the account, but--

Account?

Who cares about the account?

It's you I care about.

You!

And that poor little girl who used to be Samantha.

Larry-- Darrin, Darrin,

why didn't you confide in your old Uncle Lar?

Don't you know that Louise and I

are behind you 100 percent?

Swell.

Then come to dinner tonight.

Dinner?

I'll have Samantha and Serena there together,

and you'll see-- Darrin, will you please

stop this charade?

Humor me, just one more time.

Please? Please?

Of course.

But I can't...

Serena. Will you come here?

I know you can hear me.

Oh, it's no use.

Sam, what am I going to do?

I promised Larry Serena.

I warned you.

She can be a stubborn girl.

Honey, I had no choice. Larry was driving me crazy.

I have it! What?

If the real thing won't come along,

I can always do this.

Serena.

Sam.

That's marvelous! That is marvelous!

Except, I...

I can't be both of us at the same time.

Hm. [DOORBELL RINGS]

Larry and Louise.

But, Sam, the table's set for five.

What happens when the four of us

sit down with five of us?

I don't know.

I'm a witch, not a magician.

[DOORBELL RINGS] You go let them in.

Yeah, I'll go let them in.

Yes, uh.

Oh. Mm.

Come on in!

Hello, Darrin.

Good evening, Darrin. Hi, Larry.

Let me take that, Louise.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Uh-huh.

There you are. All right.

[♪♪]

Hi, beautiful people.

Hi.

You remember Louise Tate, don't you, Serena?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Hi, Louise. Hi.

Congratulations, Cotton Top,

you got a wild-lookin' chick there.

Serena, I want you to explain to Larry

why you acted the way you did this afternoon.

Oh, yeah.

Well, ya see, my head-shrinker says

that I have kind of a compulsion for practical joking.

I don't know when to stop.

But I'm working on it, baby.

And don't you worry about Mr. Biddings.

Giddings.

Oh, sorry, booby.

Anyway, why don't you invite him over one night,

and I'll explain the whole silly mess.

Ha-ha. You're witness.

Oh, I'd like to put you across my knee and spank you.

But I'm so relieved that you're you

and she's she, I could kiss you.

Groovy.

Where's Samantha?

Huh?

Oh, uh.

She's upstairs.

Taking care of the little princess.

I'll go fetch her.

A remarkable resemblance.

Oh, I don't know. Um.

I think Sam's eyes

are set farther apart.

And I think her cheekbones are higher.

Hi, everybody.

Much higher. Hi, Samantha.

Louise. Where's your, uh...

kooky cousin?

Oh, she's upstairs playing with Tabatha,

while I check my groovy.

Uh, gravy.

[LAUGHING]

I rest my case.

Well, I think I'll go upstairs and see Tabitha--

Oh, uh, ya can't.

She's sleeping. No, she's not.

Samantha just said Serena's playing with her.

DARRIN: Oh, yeah, that's right.

Serena's playing with her.

[LOUDLY] She's playing with her upstairs.

Well.

Oh, Larry, that Tabatha's getting prettier every day.

Thank you. We're proud of her.

Oh, yes.

Oh. Heh. Thank you.

Well, um.

I guess I ought to go in the kitchen

and help Samantha.

Oh, wait a minute, Lulu.

Don't walk out on the entertainment.

Sit down, everybody.

Make yourselves comfortable.

Larry. Louise.

I know a little ditty, recorded by the Belters,

on the flip side of "America the Beautiful."

It's called "The Iffen Song."

[PLAYING GUITAR]

♪ Iffen, iffen, iffen, iffen ♪

♪ Iffen you wanna Feel my embrace ♪

♪ Don't ya ever Wash your face ♪

♪ Iffen you really Care for me ♪

♪ Don't you comb Your hair for me ♪

♪ Iffen you wanna leave me Weak and weepy ♪

♪ Ya gotta look wild And weird and creepy ♪

♪ Iffen, iffen ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

Well, gang, I think I'll go put on a new face before dinner.

Pardon, Cotton Top.

I'll be right back.

She's a real swinger, isn't she?

There's something very strange

going on in this house.

Yes, isn't she?

Iffen... she's she.

Sam, where are ya?

Okay, what now?

Well, now we'll just sit down and have dinner.

Have dinner with who?

There are five place settings.

Doesn't it strike you as odd

that Sam and Serena are never in the room

at the same time?

Oh, Larry, you don't think--

The only question is, how does she get

in and out of her clothes so quickly?

Larry, your suspicions are becoming an obsession.

I don't know how she does it, but you watch.

Either Sam or Serena's going to come down with a bad headache.

But only one of them will sit down to dinner.

You watch.

It's no use, honey.

We'll just have to tell them that--

That... That what?

That Serena came down with a fearful headache.

I hope they believe it.

Oh, Serena, am I ever sorry I started with you.

Mm-hm.

Come on.

Larry? Louise?

It's time to sit down for dinner.

Uh, Larry here. Louise here.

Where's Serena?

I'm, uh, glad you asked that.

Ya see, Serena--

SERENA: [LONG SIGH]

Serena's headache is all gone.

I really feel simply marvelous.

Sugar.

That's all I wanted to hear you say.

That you were sorry.

I am. I am.

And I'll never, ever, ever do it again.

What did you do?

Oh, now, Larry.

Every family is entitled to its own little secrets.

Well, I'm so glad

we could all get together.

Heh.

Oh, there! Ya see?

Love power conquers all.

[♪♪]

[GUITAR PLAYING]

♪ Iffen, iffen, iffen, iffen ♪

♪ Iffen you wanna Feel my embrace ♪

♪ Don't ya ever Wash your face ♪

♪ Iffen you really Care for me ♪

♪ Don't you comb Your hair for me ♪

♪ Iffen you wanna leave me Weak and weepy ♪

♪ Ya gotta look wild And weird and creepy ♪

♪ Iffen, iffen ♪

♪ Iffen, iffen Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪