Original subtitles

Mother, mother.

I know you're here somewhere.

What are you up to?

Good morning, dear.

Where is my darling, little, Tabatha?

You know she simply adores her grandmamma.

Well, I don't.

Mother, I am furious with you.

Oh? What on earth for?

Where is the little angel?

She is out playing in the yard.

Now, don't you be devious.

I know you put spell on Darrin.

Oh, it was just a harmless, little, touch of revenge.

I would hardly call burying Darrin

under a ton of shaving cream

a harmless, little, touch of revenge.

He looked like a walking snowman.

Wasn't it amusing?

Darrin is not laughing.

Well, he deserved it.

He behaved very churlishly towards me last night,

just because I brought Tabatha a little gift.

A unicorn is not a little gift.

You know I meant well.

Besides, Tabatha would have been the only little girl

on the block with a unicorn.

Mother, you have a depraved sense of humor.

Thank you.

DARRIN: Sam, I'm leaving.

Uh-oh.

Sweetheart, why don't you just take a few minutes

and have some breakfast? I'm late already,

thanks to your mother's weird sense of humor.

Darrin, maybe you're wrong to blame mother.

I mean, they could have all been just accidents.

The shaving cream could have been overheated,

and you just could have squeezed the toothpaste too hard.

[CLUCKING]

And that chicken could have been waiting for a bus.

Do me a favor, will you?

Tell that old bat to get off my back!

Ooh.

Sam, I can't take anymore.

She'd better quit or--

I'm going to do something desperate!

Mother.

Hey, Mom!

What is it lambykins?

I heard the door slam.

Is Durwood having one of his temper tantrums again?

No, no, it's more like a nervous breakdown.

He called me an old bat.

Now, that's not very nice.

Mother, he had every right.

You've been mean and spiteful.

Indeed! And he's acting like a child.

As a matter of fact, maybe he ought to look like one.

Sam!

Sam!

Oh, mother, you put him back in his own car this minute.

Oh, all right.

You're just lucky I'm late!

[♪♪]

Mother, I think you're being childish.

Now, these little tricks are unworthy of you.

Really? [LAUGHS]

Wait till you hear what's in his attaché case.

What? A cobra.

What?!

Defanged, of course.

Just for the shock value.

Mother, I want you to call off this vendetta right now.

Promise me.

I promise.

Witch's honor.

Witch's honor.

I promise not to bother Dum-Dum anymore.

Good.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have some housework to do.

If you'll excuse me, I'd rather not watch.

Good.

[DOOR SHUTS] DARRIN: Samantha!

Samantha!

What are you doing home so early?

It's only 10:30. Ow.

Why don't you ask your mother?

Mother? What'd she do?

I'll tell you what she did.

She just lost us one of the biggest new accounts

we've had in years-- Prune Valley Retirement Village.

Prune Valley?

Right. I walked into the conference room,

I stood at the head of the table,

I greeted Mr. Leroy Wendell,

the client and his associates,

I opened my briefcase,

and nine people fainted, including me.

Oh my goodness!

Well, what did Larry say?

Just two words. "You're fired."

Oh, Darrin, Mother promised she wouldn't.

Well, I've got news for you.

When it comes to your mother's promises,

there's a big credibility gap.

Darrin, you're shouting at me.

Why shouldn't I be shouting at you?

Because you shouldn't take my mother's

lack of credibility out on me.

Why not?

You two hang together, don't you?

Hang together?

Just what do you mean by that?

Well, you know what I mean.

When we get right down to the nitty-gritty,

we know where your sympathies lie.

Broomsticks are thicker than water.

Darrin!

It's been that way ever since we got married!

You and her against me!

And I'm the one who suffers.

You know what I think you've got?

A persecution complex.

Well, who has a better right?

Maybe you'd be happier if you'd never met me.

Is that what you're trying to say?

You said it, I didn't.

What do you mean by that?

Make of it anything you want.

Ohhh. Darrin?

Darrin! Wh-where are you?

What's happening?

Morning, darling.

What did you do with Darrin?

I was just being a good mother-in-law,

I gave him what he wanted. What?

He said he'd be happier if he'd never met you.

He didn't say it. I said it.

Well, who cares who said it?

I arranged it. Where is he?

Right where he would be, if he'd never met you.

Mother, you bring him back right this instant.

Now, just wait a minute.

Let's not be hasty.

He may be a good deal happier where he is now.

He loves me, Mother.

Are you sure?

After all we've put him through these past few years?

Let me refresh your memory.

How many normal, red-blooded, American husbands

have been changed into a monkey,

and a penguin, and a wart hog?

Darrin was never a wart hog.

You're quite right.

It's just that I thought about it so much.

Mother, do you know what all this proves?

It proves that he loves me.

What man would go through all this if he didn't?

Now, you bring him back.

You want what's best for him, don't you?

I'm what's best for him.

Do you have the courage to find out if that's really so?

We can very easily, you know.

We can just go, and take a little look.

All right.

Let's just do that.

But I know you're wrong.

Good. Let's go.

Where are we going, Mother?

Across in time, Samantha.

To the now that might have been,

if you and Durwood had never met.

Well, here we are.

Don't be nervous, dear.

I'm not nervous.

Oh, really?

Morning, Mr. Stephens.

Morning, Charlie Baby.

Bring it up around 3:00.

I want to take a run out to the boat.

Right.

There. You see, Mother, how miserable he is?

Miserable? He doesn't look miserable to me.

Well, it's obvious.

Those clothes, and that car, and a boat.

Well, it's simply a cover-up for a very lonely man.

What about that big smile?

It was a lonely smile, Mother.

All right, let's go upstairs

and take a look at him in the office, shall we?

Oh, my.

What's he done to his office?

Why? I think it's very elegant.

Yes, b-b-but that's the point.

It's too elegant. It's overdone.

Oh, really?

Well, I'll say one thing,

not knowing you hasn't hurt his golf game any.

Look at all these beautiful cups he's won.

Oh, sure. Wasting his time on a golf course.

Lonely man.

I don't know.

Have you seen these pictures?

Acapulco, San Juan, Buenos Aires.

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk. Running away from life.

Yes, and he's still wearing that same, lonely smile

in all those pictures.

I wonder how he's doing in business?

With all his playing around, and golf and everything,

he couldn't be doing too well.

Darrin.

Shh. Quiet. Watch me sink this.

[CHUCKLES] Good shot.

Listen congratulations, you son of a gun,

we just signed up Jonathan Broadhurst.

You know, those layouts of yours flipped him.

Couldn't wait to put his name on the paper.

Of course, Lar, it was in the bag.

You know, I was talking to McMann yesterday

and looks like we might have to change a few signs around here.

Uh, how does McMann, Tate and Stephens, sound, hmm?

Well, not as good as Stephens, Tate and McMann,

but I guess it's okay. [CHUCKLES]

He's going to be a partner.

Isn't that wonderful?

No.

Darrin?

[SAM SHRIEKS] Hey, Sheila. Come on in.

Mother, that's Sheila Sommers.

Darrin's old girlfriend.

Hello, Larry.

She doesn't look so old to me.

Well, uh, I'll see you kids later, huh?

I've, uh, got some things to do.

Mmm...

Oh, he's kissing her! That dirty cheat.

He's not a cheat, Samantha.

After all, he's not married to you.

Oh. Uh...

Oh, that's right.

Oh, he's a regular little kissing bug, isn't he?

Oh!

Mm, you know something, Darrin?

I don't think I can wait ten more days

until I'm Mrs. Darrin Stephens.

They're not married yet, Mother.

We could go to Vegas.

If we catch a plane now, we could be married today.

How romantic.

Elope?

Oh, now, Darrin, we couldn't do that to Daddy.

You know, he's already spent so much on the wedding.

And he's invited all his business associates,

and it's going to be a big tax write-off.

Daddy's all heart, isn't he.

Oh Darrin, uh...

About the honeymoon, after Lisbon,

we ought to skip Majorca and go right to the Canary Islands.

We could spend three or four weeks there.

[GASPS] He only took me to Atlantic City.

I hate to bring this up, but how much is this trip going to cost?

Now, Darrin, you promised you weren't going to talk about money.

Daddy's taking care of the whole thing.

It's his wedding present.

I know, but I just don't feel right.

He still doesn't know a good thing when he sees it.

Oh, Darling. I've got to be going.

But don't you be late for that party tonight, hmm?

I wonder how she'd look with that putter

wrapped around her neck?

Ah, ah, ah, ah. Samantha,

We're here just as observers, you know.

You wear your white dinner jacket,

with your ruffled shirt.

You look beautiful in it.

Ruffles?

Darrin?

Okay to come in?

Sure, come on in.

Sheila just left.

You know, I envy you.

Marrying a gorgeous girl like Sheila,

whose daddy's the fourth richest man in the country.

You've got to be the luckiest guy alive.

I guess I am.

I guess I am the luckiest man alive.

Come on, I'll buy you a drink on it.

Now, are you convinced

that Durwood is happier without you?

You heard it from his own lips.

Darrin didn't say happy, Mother.

He said "lucky." There's a big difference.

Oh, come now, Samantha.

The best way is a clean break.

No.

No, I want to be sure.

I'm gonna go to that party tonight.

Oh, you are a glutton for punishment.

Darrin, at this moment,

I feel very warm towards you.

Like a father.

Oh? What'd you have in mind?

My money.

That's not true, Sheila.

That 28 and a half million dollars your father has,

never entered my mind.

It entered my dreams a lot, but never my mind.

Well, I can tell you one thing:

Darrin is not marrying me for my money.

As a matter of fact, I had to propose.

Oh, Mother, she's dreadful.

How can Darrin stand her?

Oh, I think they make a lovely couple.

Ugh.

Friends... Friends, could I say something?

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to offer a toast

to my daughter, Sheila,

and my future son-in-law, Darrin Stephens.

A long and happy marriage!

And it better be a long and happy marriage

because this whole thing is costing me a fortune.

[LAUGHING]

What's so funny about that?

Now, in addition to picking up the tab for the honeymoon,

I'm also going to give the happy couple

two oil wells in Texas, a corner lot

in the heart of downtown Phoenix,

plus a complete set of lightweight airplane luggage.

[LAUGHTER]

I wonder what the losers get.

Well, he's not the Darrin I know.

It looks like rain, Samantha.

We have a long ways to go.

Here he comes.

Oh, Mother, look at him.

I wonder what he's thinking?

What do you think he's thinking about?

Power? Money?

Success? Income tax?

Wonder where he's going.

Well what's the difference? We've seen enough.

No.

No, I'm going to follow him.

Samantha!

Oh, why doesn't that girl

ever listen to her mother?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Well, look who's here.

The bridegroom himself.

Hi, Hi, Mr. Stephens.

Hey, Dave.

Darrin, what are you doing here?

Well, I came in for a drink, what else?

A last drink with your old buddy

before you take the fatal step, huh?

You're right.

I'll have a bourbon on the rocks, huh?

Make it a double. Sure thing.

Dave, can I talk to you seriously for a minute?

Well, of course. If you can't talk

to your best friend, who can you talk to?

I'm happy for you Darrin.

I'm very happy for you.

Oh, thanks, Al.

You know, um...

Sheila's a wonderful girl, make a wonderful wife.

Two people-- Takes two people to make a marriage.

And love, love, that's the-- the glue that binds.

She's got a lot to offer a guy.

Her father does, too.

Twenty eight and a half million dollars.

Give a little, take a little.

That's what makes a marriage,

Tell you the truth, I'm not sure I love her.

The main thing is mutual understanding and trust.

And how would I know what love is?

I mean, maybe I am in love with her and just don't know it.

But why wouldn't I know it?

I'm very happy for you, Darrin, very happy.

You found the greatest treasure of them all.

Hey, I gotta go.

Al, on the tab, huh? And Darrin,

if you want to ever have another little, serious talk,

you just call me, huh?

Oh, thanks, Dave.

I don't know, Al. Maybe I'm expecting too much.

Maybe I'm looking for magic.

[CHUCKLING] Oh.

Well, I better get going.

On the house. Little wedding present.

Thanks, Al.

Thank you. Ooh!

I am sorry.

That was clumsy of me.

Oh, not at all. It was my fault.

I wasn't looking where I was going.

No, it was my fault.

Are you meeting someone?

Well, I'm not sure.

I may be too late.

Um, may I, uh, buy you a drink while you wait?

Uh, all right. Thank you.

What'll you have?

Martini, please.

Al, a martini for the lady.

I'm sorry I can't join you, but I have to get back.

To a party.

It was nice bumping into you.

[CHUCKLES]

So long.

Uh, put that on my tab, will you, Al?

That was very rude of me, and not to mention stupid.

This might be my last chance to buy a drink

for a beautiful girl. Oh?

Yes, I'm, uh, I'm getting married in a few days.

Really? You must be thrilled.

Yeah, I should be, shouldn't I?

Aren't you?

Oh, you wouldn't be interested.

Yes, I would. I really would.

You would?

Say, haven't I seen you somewhere before?

No, I don't think so.

It's funny.

You're sure we've never met?

I'm quite sure.

You mean you're not excited about getting married?

Oh, I didn't say that. Sheila's a great girl.

I mean, we've been going together for a long time and...

Yes?

Well, I'm just wondering, maybe there's a reason

I've been holding off.

Maybe I've been looking for something else.

You know what I mean?

Yes, I know exactly what you mean.

So do I.

For the very first time, so do I.

This may sound kind of crazy, but will you do me a favor?

What? Will you sit right here and wait for me?

Um, I have to go, but I'll be back.

I have something very important to do.

To undo.

Well, I-I don't--

Please.

Al, don't let her out of your sight.

Please.

Don't go away.

He isn't happier without me.

Hmm?

Mother!

Mother?

I heard the whole thing.

It was sickening.

Bring him back, Mother.

Oh, it kills me to think you're going back to this

miserable, bourgeois existence.

Oh, oh, oh.

Bring him back.

All right.

But I'm not going to stay around to see it.

I mean it, Sam!

There are times I wish I never met you!

Of course there are other times I realize that I--!

couldn't live without you, and I--

have to admit, that's most of the time.

Oh, Darrin.

Even if I lose my job at McMann and Tate,

I still have you and Tabatha.

That's all that matters.

[CHUCKLES]

Hmm, there's that too.

Hey, listen to this, honey.

"Own your own business.

Sell our screen doors direct to the public."

How do you like that?

I can be a door-to-door door salesman.

Oh, Darrin. Don't be ridiculous.

Larry's not gonna fire you

just because of one little client.

It wasn't one little client. It was one big client.

Larry wanted that account and I blew it.

Oh... [DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, I'll get it.

Oh. Hi, Larry.

Hello, Sam.

Is Darrin here? I gotta talk to him.

Larry, I know why you're here,

and I've only got one thing to say.

Do you own a screen door?

[CHUCKLES] Boy, I've got to hand it to you.

What perception. What instinct.

Huh?

Sam, this husband of yours is something.

His tactics are a little strange,

but he's something.

You had Wendell figured all the way.

What do you mean? Yeah, what do you mean?

Well, didn't you hear the news? It was on the radio and TV.

Leroy Wendell was indicted in Minnesota

on a phony real-estate scheme.

Well, how do you like that?

Sure, but you sized him up right away, didn't you?

You snake in the grass.

You really fouled up the meeting,

sent Wendell screaming out of the office.

See, honey, I told you it'd work.

One question though:

Why didn't you let me in on it?

I knew you'd never go for it, Larry.

You know, you're right.

Sam, this husband of yours

has the guts of a riverboat gambler,

Yes, I know.

Well, I've gotta run.

I'm late for dinner.

But I just had to stop by and tell you in person.

You son of a gun.

Bye, Sam.

Good night, Larry. So long, Larry.

Whew! There.

[CHUCKLES] You see how nicely everything turned out?

And we owe it all to mother.

You had say it, huh?

Well, it's true.

Well, let that be our secret.

I want to tell you how sorry I am

that I got sore this morning

and said all those things to you.

I can't imagine what life would be like

if I hadn't met you. [CHUCKLES]

I think I'd be pretty darn miserable.

Well, that's something we'll never know, will we?

[♪♪]