Original subtitles

[VACUUM CLEANER SHUTS DOWN]

[LAUGHS]

That won't do any good.

Oh, I might have known. Why did you do that?

I wanted to ask you a question.

Why in the name of all that's witchly,

are you massaging that rug?

I'm not. I'm cleaning it.

Well, why go to all that trouble?

Why not just:

Isn't that a simpler way to clean a rug?

Thanks a heap.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Oh, well, hi, sweetheart.

Mother! Oh.

Spoilsport.

I'm sorry, sweetheart. I couldn't hear you.

There was a little disturbance here.

Really? How is the old war wagon?

Fine.

That's too bad.

Larry just buzzed me and told me to cease firing

on the Webbley Food account.

So it looks like I'll be home for dinner after all.

Oh, darling, that's wonderful.

Would you like anything special?

Yeah. See if you can get rid of your mother.

Bye. Bye-bye.

He's coming home.

Ohhh, whoopee!

He's coming home for dinner for the first time this week!

And it never occurs to you to wonder

what he's been doing those other nights.

He's been working late

on the Webbley Food account. They may lose it.

And you may be losing your mind, if you believe that.

I think I'll make him a pork loin.

Wouldn't it be much more fun

if you turned him into a whole pig?

Oink, oink, oink.

Wheee! Ha-ha-ha!

No wonder there's no such thing as Mother-in-Law's Day.

[♪♪]

Sorry to stop you in midstream, Darrin,

but let me give you my thinking.

With Webbley Foods, we've already heard the death rattle, right?

Mm-hm. So why bust a gut to save it,

when we can replace it with newer and fresher blood.

Namely?

I just got an inside tip

that the William J. Sommers account is up for grabs.

And let's face it, we've got the inside track there, Darrin boy.

Larry, just because I used to date Sheila Sommers is no--

Date her? You were engaged.

Larry, you're not asking me to use that relationship

for business purposes, are you?

I'm not? I-I--

I mean, Darrin, you've got my all wrong.

All I'm saying is, that if we get the account,

we know we can do a superior job on it, right? I think so.

There isn't an agency in town that's better equipped.

I'll go along with that. Or more experienced.

Right. So, all I'm saying is...

will it hurt to give Sheila a call?

Larry, I will not use an old romance for personal gain.

Darrin, I won't press you.

I'll just say this:

Call her.

Uh, Larry, uh, you don't know Sheila.

She'll take this as a sign that my marriage is buckling.

That's all she needs. She can be awfully vindictive, you know.

So can I.

Well, uh-- Good boy.

Here. I'll dial it for you.

I won't know what to say to her.

Just get on the horn and tell her

it's okay for tonight.

What's okay?

When I called Sheila, she just happened to mention--

You called her?

How else was I gonna talk to her?

Anyway, she and her father are going to be at the Hearthstone,

and we're going to run into them.

Invite them to join us for a little drinky-poo,

then we'll chin-chin and maybe have a little din-din.

I just told Samantha I'd be home for din-din.

Uh, I mean, dinner.

Well, call her up and tell her you'll be late.

And make me the heavy.

That won't be hard.

[LAUGHS]

[RINGING]

Hello. Uh, Sam?

Why are you out of breath?

Oh. Uh, sweetheart, I was just coming in

when I heard the phone ring. Hold on a minute.

Ah.

Hi.

I got the most beautiful pork loin.

Sam, I've got a problem.

Oh? What is it this time?

Well, Larry and I are trying to line up a new client, and, uh...

we're going to take him to the Hearthstone for a few drinks...

...and I guess I'll be stuck for dinner too.

Oh. Well...

All right, sweetheart. Just don't work too late.

Bye-bye.

Did anyone ever tell you you have a suspicious mind?

No such thing. I'm merely stating a fact.

Mother, the facts happen to be that Darrin and Larry

are taking a prospective client to dinner.

What's her name?

Samantha, I think you're behaving like an ostrich.

And if you'll pull your head out of the sand,

you'll see that I'm right.

Mother, you just don't understand

the kind of relationship that Darrin and I have.

It's a love that is based on mutual trust.

And when you have that, you don't get upset

because your husband's working late.

Really?

We'll see.

They're not going to show. Let's call the whole thing off.

Be patient. Finish your drink.

I have.

Charlie, another for my friend.

Darrin.

Sheila. Well, well...

Ohh-mm.

Oh, it's marvy to see you.

[AWKWARD LAUGH] Well, so am I.

I mean, you know, uh, Larry Tate.

Oh, of course. How are you, Larry?

Couldn't be better.

Well... this is a pleasant surprise.

Uh, Sheila... [CHUCKLES] Would you mind letting go?

Oh, now don't tell me I'm embarrassing you?

Oh, no, no. But your pin's open, and it's sticking me.

Oh! Sorry, darling.

Uh, yeah.

Where-- I mean, who are you with?

Nobody. I'm all yours.

Oh, Daddy was supposed to join me, but he got... hung up.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Well, as a matter of fact, I'm hung up too.

That is, I will be if I don't get home.

I mean, get going.

Larry... Have fun, you two.

Let me look at you.

You know, you haven't changed a bit.

Neither have you.

Does that mean there's still

that same old feeling you used to have?

My stomach? No, that's all cleared up now.

Oh, good, our table's ready.

Wasn't that darling of Larry to, uh, get lost?

Oh, yes. Yes, he's a regular sweetheart.

For the last time, no.

No, no, no.

I will not pop into that restaurant.

Afraid of what you'll find?

Absolutely not.

Then why won't you go?

Because it would be the act of a desperate woman,

which I do not happen to be, no matter what you say.

It would also be low, deceitful and unworthy.

Very well, if that's the way you feel.

Definitely.

In that case, your low, deceitful and unworthy mother

will have to do it for you.

Mother, don't you interfere.

[SIGHS]

That's like telling an elephant not to forget.

Uh, food should be here soon.

Sure is great running into you this way.

Oh, come on. Now, you know Larry cooked it up.

Sure is great the way Larry cooked it up.

And don't worry about getting together with my father.

I'm having a dinner party tomorrow night,

and you can see him then.

Okay? Sure. We'd love to come.

You want to bring your wife?

Yes. Unless...

Oh, no, no. By all means, bring her.

What did you say her name was again? Samovar?

Samantha.

I knew it was something odd. But it seems to fit her.

She really is... quaint.

I wonder where our dinner is.

Oh, I see.

It makes you feel uncomfortable

to talk about your wife, doesn't it?

How long have you been married?

Four years. Oh, you poor thing.

Well, let's talk about something more cheerful.

Oh! Guess who finally got married.

Shorty Richards. No kidding.

Isn't that wild? Yeah.

Who's Shorty Richards? Don't you remember?

He was always falling off his elevator shoes.

Oh, little Shorty Richards.

He had the beautiful cabin cruiser.

Uh-huh.

And remember when we borrowed it

and went aground in Setauket for a weekend?

We were marooned for two days.

Yeah. If that food doesn't get here pretty soon,

I'm gonna lose my... appetite.

Here it comes.

Darrin, why don't we see each other more often?

Well, because, Shei-- Sheila, I'm married!

Well, what does that have to do with two good friends

getting together once in a while?

Oh! Watch where you're--

[NERVOUS CHUCKLE]

Good morning, sweetheart.

Uh, this has to go to the cleaners.

I had a lot to tell you last night,

but you'd already gone to bed.

How is that sofa for sleeping?

Oh, breakfast is ready.

Looks delicious.

Uh, any butter?

If not, uh, don't bother.

You know, if I didn't know better,

I'd think this was last night's--

Uh, but that's a great way to economize, Sam.

[SIGHS]

Sam. No matter what your mother told you,

that was a business dinner, and I didn't lie to you.

Now, I just didn't want you to get

all worked up over nothing, that's all.

[LOUD CLATTER]

Sam, you're getting all worked up over nothing.

It was all Larry's idea.

He's dying to get Sheila's father's account

to replace the Webbley account.

And we were supposed to have dinner

with old man Sommers last night,

but, uh, Sheila showed up alone. And then Larry--

wise guy, he.-- went off and left.

Well, I just called him, and I told him what I thought of him.

What's more, I informed him that you and I,

were not going to show up at Sheila's dinner party tonight.

She invited us?

Yeah, so that Larry and I could meet with old man Sommers.

Well, Darrin, I don't blame you

for being annoyed with Larry,

but do you think it's fair to run out on him now?

In spades. I don't like the whole thing.

I'd much rather pitch my new concept at Webbley Foods

than subject you to any of Sheila's little games.

Yeah, but you see, Darrin, that's just the point.

If we don't show up, that's an admission

that I'm afraid to face her.

Well, actually, I think she's rather interesting.

In a creepy sort of way.

You're wrong.

I don't hate her at all.

Sam, you know that's a lie.

It is not.

But I'll admit it's not the whole truth either.

Um... what kind of gravy is this,

so I can tell the cleaner.

DARRIN: Honey, you ready?

Well, I-I was just trying to figure out what to wear.

I told you what to wear.

Sheila said it was casual.

Casual.

Why is it I keep remembering the last time

Sheila said it was casual...

SAMANTHA: Boy, this is some fancy-looking place.

Darrin, are you sure I'm dressed all right? [RINGS DOORBELL]

Darling, of course you are.

Sheila said it was potluck, very relaxed,

sitting-on-the-floor kind of stuff.

Oh.

Darrin, darling! Sheila.

Mmm.

Is this your little bride?

How do you do?

Oh, why, Darrin, she's sweet.

Uh, maybe I should have dressed--

Oh, not at all, dear.

You look, uh, sweet.

John, would you take Mrs. Stephens'...

Sweater.

I can tell you're the type

who always dresses so sensibly.

You know, the capable type.

Oh, Darrin, I bet she's good at typing, cooking,

taking care of the household accounts and playing golf.

You know, all those things poor little me can't do at all.

Pity.

Uh, won't you come in and meet my friends.

Oh, no, you don't, Sheila, my dear.

Not this time.

I think this will be casual enough.

[RINGS DOORBELL]

I still think you're wrong, honey.

Sheila definitely said casual dress.

Well, that's what she said the last time.

You remember what happened.

She's not gonna embarrass me again.

Good evening.

Oh, good evening.

May I take your coat?

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

Uh, this way, please.

Now, remember, no, uh...

Witch's honor.

Oooh.

Ooh, that little double-crosser.

She said casual.

Well, she knew darn well I'd expect her to lie.

Darrin, darling!

Oh.

And you're looking lovely, Iolathe.

It's Samantha.

Oh, but I'm sure I told you to dress casually.

Uh, yes, but... Uh, well, we have to drop in

at a little dress-up affair later on this evening.

Oh. That's right.

We have to drop up at a dress-in later.

Oh, well. Come and meet everybody.

You all know Darrin Stephens.

Hi, everybody.

Darrin, my boy, it's been too long.

Good to see you, Mr. Sommers.

And this is Darrin's darling little wife, Samara.

Uh, Samantha.

Dick and Julia Thompson,

Hello. Ralph Martinson, Vern and Alice Richter,

Dodie Brooks. Hello.

Larry, where's Louise?

She had baby-sitting trouble.

But I thought your mother-in-law was visiting.

That's the baby-sitter she's having trouble with.

[ALL LAUGHING] Larry.

The barbecue is ready, miss.

Oh, good. Everyone out in the garden.

[SOFT JAZZ PLAYING]

I'm putting you in my will.

Barbecue. Mm-hm.

Oh, uh... You don't have an extra one of those, do you?

Thank you.

I hope you don't mind roughing it like this.

No. Not at all.

Everything all right up there, Santana?

It's Samantha.

Just fine.

Incidentally, I love your hair.

Thank you.

You know, it's a much more becoming shade

than you had before.

Well, my hairdresser's a marvel.

Especially with problem hair. Would you like his name?

Sheila, do you ever see Rod Lamport?

Oh, well, you have been out of circulation, poor boy.

Come here.

[WHISPERING]

Well, anyone who knows Rod knew that marriage wouldn't work.

I mean, she was a nobody.

Nobody knew where she come from or who her family was.

And, uh, after all, she just naturally

didn't fit into our group.

She wore all the wrong clothes, said all the wrong things,

and business-wise, she was an anchor around his neck.

You know, so many of our friends seem to be trapped

by that sort of woman, if you know what I mean.

And l think you do.

Oh, um, Sampan.

Would you like anything more?

No, thank you.

To tell you the truth, I've had just about enough.

Shall we take our after-dinner drinks over here?

It was a delicious dinner, Mr. Sommers.

Well, I'm delighted. Thank you.

[ALL CHATTERING]

I warned you, honey, but you insisted on coming.

She really outdid herself, didn't she?

Mm-hm. I'll get our coats.

What are you talking about? You can't do that.

We haven't talked to Sommers yet.

If you want to talk to Sommers, talk to him yourself.

But you're the one that has the inside track.

Come on, hon. Darrin, I'm not going to run.

Darrin, if you and Larry want to talk to Daddy, now's the time.

I'll take care of Samsara. Samantha.

Why not call me Sam. It might be easier to remember.

Get a grip on yourself.

Will you let go of me?

Sorry.

Come on.

Gentlemen, sit down.

[CHUCKLES] Cigarette?

Uh, no, thank you, Mr. Sommers.

No thanks.

Now, for heaven's sake, let's stop talking

about people Stan doesn't know.

Poor dear.

I don't know whether you're aware of it,

but Darrin here has had extensive experience

with your type of product.

He did a top-notch job for us on Webbley Foods.

I understand they're leaving you.

Oh, no. Uh, quite the reverse.

Listen, gang, I met the most divine white hunter

from Rhodesia at Monte's party,

and he offered to take a group of us on safari this summer.

So if any of you want to go, let me know.

Perhaps you and Darrin might like to join us.

Well, I'm afraid we're pretty well occupied for the summer.

Tell us what you're going to do.

Something wildly exciting, I suppose.

Oh, very.

We're going to install new plumbing in the house.

Oh, isn't that sweet?

Congratulations, my dear.

You know, you have managed to turn

our carefree, impulsive Darrin into a real homebody.

Incidentally, Sheila, did you hear that the club

is going to open up some new memberships?

No. They wouldn't dare.

Well, they have to raise the money somehow.

[INSECT BUZZING]

Before you know it, they'll be letting anyone into the club.

And if they do, I'm going to resign.

I mean, what is the point of a club if it isn't going to be exclusive?

There's so little breeding in the world today.

Is that a fly or a bee?

I think it's a fly, miss.

No, no. No, it's a bee.

A bee? Well, get it off of me.

Just hold it, miss.

Oh! Charles, what are you doing?

I think I got it.

[SCREAMS] Charles!

You clumsy fool! Leave me alone!

[WHIMPERS]

[BARKING]

SHEILA: Not now, Gaylord. Go away!

Oh!

All right, now, Gaylord. Stop it. Stop it!

Shoo!

[DOG BARKING]

[SCREAMING]

Daddy! Da-- Daddy!

Come on.

Mmm.

Oh, these petits fours are delicious.

I must ask Sheila where she got them.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Yes?

Oh, send her in please.

Hi, there.

Hi, honey.

Get your errands done? Uh-huh.

I'll be with you in a minute,

Oh, good, I'm starving.

Oh, sweetheart. I am sorry about last night.

Sheila deserved it.

Even if it did mean blowing the Sommers account.

[CHUCKLES] I can't figure out

what happened to that material for Webbley Foods.

Couldn't find it at home, I can't find it here.

Hi, Sam.

You sly, little fox.

Pulled a fast one, didn't you?

I don't know what you're talking about.

He doesn't know what I'm talking about.

Isn't he something? You know what you are?

You're... irascible.

I am? What did I do?

What did he do? [LAUGHS]

You old conniver.

You decided not to take any chances

and you sent your ideas over to Webbley Foods anyway.

And are you ready?

They loved 'em. We're renewed.

But I didn't--

Sam, what did you do this morning?

Well, I told you.

I had some errands to run.

I cannot tell you how happy I am about Webbley Foods.

Do you know I had dinner alone

three nights in a row because of them?

I'm happy that it wasn't for nothing.

Enjoy your lunch.

You son of a gun!

You know what you are? What?

Irascible.

But lovable.

Oh.

What does "irascible" mean?

I don't know.

[♪♪]