Original subtitles

I don't know. I just don't know.

Sam, please, I have no more time to be a Christmas tree.

I've got a 9:30 meeting with a new client.

Now, sweetheart, it'll only take a second,

and it's easier than lugging the real tree around.

Come on, honey, let's just put it where it was last year.

Oh, I don't know.

Well, all right, all right, let's try it.

Well, spread your arms, sweetheart,

so I can get an idea of the width.

How's this?

Darrin, trees don't stand that way.

Sag your branches a little.

That's better.

And that's it.

I'll see you tonight.

Now, you won't forget to pick the tree up

on the way home. No, honey, I won't.

And last year's tree was a little skimpy on one side,

so don't buy the first one you see, hm?

Sam, believe me, no matter how spectacular

the first tree I see is, I won't buy it.

But I still don't know where to put the--

[DOOR SHUTS] Hmm.

[SIGHS] No.

Perfect!

Merry Christmas.

[♪♪]

Mr. Tate, I started out life as a poor boy.

Now I'm one of the richest men in America.

Do you know why? No, sir. Why?

Three things: persistence, prudence and punctuality,

the three Ps. The three Ps.

I must remember that.

Yes, sir, those three little Ps

have served me all my life.

I never violate them,

and I won't stand for it when others do.

Absolutely right.

Good, then you'll understand when I say

your man is late and I'm leaving.

Wait a minute, Mr. Mortimer.

I'm sure there's a very good reason for Darrin to be--

I'm sorry I'm late.

But you know what traffic is on the day before Christmas.

[CHUCKLES] I told you there was a good reason.

I know you did, and I'm still waiting to hear it.

Oh, right. Uh...

Let's get to it, Darrin. You know, tell Mr. Mortimer

the lead concept you have for Mortimer Instant Soups.

Slow down, Larry.

This was a get-acquainted meeting.

We planned to present your campaign brochure

after the Christmas holidays.

Did we? Yes, Larry, we did.

Mr. Stephens, time is money,

and I see no reason to waste it.

That's right. Waste not, want not.

Christmas is just another day to me.

Me, too. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday.

[CHUCKLES] It's hard to tell the difference.

Gentlemen, we're running late.

We'll have to discuss your campaign

for Mortimer Soups tonight.

Be sure you're prepared.

But Mr. Mortimer, tonight is--

Right, tonight it is. Good. At my house.

Dinner at 6:00, promptly.

But-- Promptly it is.

Larry, what are you doing? I can't make it tonight.

I promised Sam we'd decorate our Christmas tree.

Darrin, Mortimer Instant Soups is a $500,000 account.

That kind of decoration doesn't grow on Christmas trees.

I'm sorry, Larry, but a promise is a promise.

Then I'll make you a promise.

I promise the meeting will be short and sweet.

And another thing, I don't like the way

Mortimer steps all over everybody.

Darrin, for the kind of money we're talking about,

a couple of footprints won't kill you.

Besides, we'll be out of there by 8:00.

Just leave it to your old Uncle Larry.

Yes, gentlemen, when I think of Mortimer's Instant Soups,

I don't think of a powdered product

that comes out of a cold, heartless box.

No, indeed. I think of something

that a mother would have made with her own loving hands.

Hawkins, this coffee's cold.

I'm sorry, sir. It's a fresh pot.

But I'll make another one.

Get some fresh cups, Hawkins.

Yes, sir.

No, thanks, mine's fine.

Delicious, as a matter of fact.

Mine's delicious, too.

But cold.

Time's passing, gentlemen.

It certainly is getting late.

Exactly, so let's get back to business.

Mr. Mortimer, I'm sorry, but this is Christmas Eve,

and my wife is expecting me home early.

You know I don't believe in all this Christmas fuss.

It's crass commercial nonsense.

It's, uh... It's, um...

Try "humbug."

Darrin.

So if you gentlemen will excuse me...

Where are you going, Stephens?

Yeah, where are you going, Stephens?

Out to participate in a little Christmas nonsense.

It's getting late, and I still have a tree to buy.

I'm not paying your advertising agency $500,000

so you can run out and buy a tree on my time.

Mr. Mortimer, there's a time for soup,

and there's a also a time for sugarplums.

And that time, for me, is now.

So good night, gentlemen.

Stephens, this meeting isn't over.

[CLOCKS CHIMING] Yes, Stephens!

Stephens, you come back here!

Stephens, come back here.

[CUCKOOS]

["DECK THE HALLS" PLAYING, INSTRUMENTAL]

Larry was really a little shook up,

but I know he'll handle Mortimer beautifully.

In a pinch, old Lar always comes through.

Let me help you with the tinsel, honey.

This one branch is a little bald.

I wonder what Mr. Mortimer has against Christmas.

Probably the fact

that people don't give Mortimer Soup as gifts.

More tinsel, honey.

Sam, what are you doing? I asked for more tinsel.

I gave it to you.

Honey, one piece of tinsel is not the same as more tinsel.

One piece at a time is the way to hang tinsel.

It gives the tree that delicate, lacy look.

Hon, it's a Christmas tree, not a doily.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, I'll get it. You keep working.

Here you go.

One at a time.

Oh, hi, Larry. Hi, Sam.

I'd like you to meet Mr. Mortimer.

Uh, Mrs. Stephens.

Merry Christmas, Mr. Mortimer.

I hope we're not interrupting anything.

Not at all. Come on in. Put your coats down.

Sweetheart, you'll never guess who's here.

Who? Surprise.

I'll say.

Well, Mr. Mortimer and I

had a very productive meeting after you left.

We came up with some great ideas,

and since I knew you'd be dying to hear them,

we didn't wanna keep you in suspense.

Stephens, we came here to talk business.

Mr. Mortimer, nobody works on Christmas Eve.

Except Santa Claus. [CHUCKLES]

How about a nice cup of eggnog?

No, thank you, young lady.

Stephens, we're wasting time.

Either we talk business, or I'm leaving.

Which is it to be? I'll walk you to the door.

Darrin.

Mr. Mortimer, Larry...

I'll be delighted to join you in a business discussion

the day after tomorrow. [LARRY SIGHS]

Stephens, I take your refusal

as a personal rejection.

I certainly didn't intend it that way.

Nobody rejects Jesse Mortimer.

Tate, I want this man on my account

or there won't be an account.

He has ten seconds to change his mind.

Darrin, change your mind.

Sweetheart, I can finish trimming the tree myself.

Samantha, I am going to help you finish the tree.

Then you're going to help me get the Santa Claus suit ready

for Tabatha's surprise in the morning.

Two seconds.

I refuse to be intimidated!

It's a matter of principle.

Time's up.

Gentlemen, Mortimer Soups

will take its business elsewhere.

Whoa. Wait, Mr. Mortimer.

Mr. Mortimer, wait.

I can explain everything. Darrin was just--

Mr. Mortimer?

[CAR STARTS]

He's gone.

A $500,000 account.

Darrin, how could you do this to me?

Especially at Christmas.

What surprises me is Larry.

I know he's got chronic dollar signs in front of his eyes,

but you'd think he'd give them a Christmas vacation.

Mr. Mortimer's the one with the problem.

Well, he really seems to hate Christmas.

You know,

I bet he doesn't even believe in Santa Claus.

Can't blame him for that. After all,

he doesn't have your inside information.

[DEEP, JOLLY VOICE] Ho, ho, ho!

What a pretty little girl you are, Tabatha.

And how you've grown since Santa saw you last year.

Ho, ho, ho!

Boy, am I beat.

Imagine going through life

with that kind of attitude toward Christmas.

Well, think of all the fun he's missing.

Hm, and all the fun he'd like the rest of us to miss with him.

It's a waste.

Mm-hm. A real waste.

[GROANS]

There must be some way of reaching that man.

Everybody's got a reaching point.

Oh...

Darrin, I have an idea.

Darrin.

[MUMBLING] Sure, Sam, anything you say.

Just don't get involved with any...

[SNORES]

["JINGLE BELLS" PLAYING, INSTRUMENTAL]

[IN SLEEP] Ho, ho, ho.

[IN SLEEP] Bah, humbug.

[WIND HOWLING]

Hawkins! Hawkins!

Hawkins!

Shh.

You're gonna wake the entire neighborhood.

Who the devil are you?

Why, you're-- you're Mrs. Stephens.

Who gave you permission to invade my house?

Don't think of me as Mrs. Stephens.

Think of me as the spirit of Christmas.

Poppycock!

I had a feeling you'd say that.

I'll give you just five seconds to get out of here.

Well, you leave me no choice.

I guess I'll just have to tell you the simple truth.

I'm a witch.

One second.

[ALARM RINGS]

You-- You broke my clock.

I don't know what trick you used, but you broke my clock.

You'll have to pay for it. Oh, Mr. Mortimer,

I didn't break your clock. I simply stopped it.

I told you, I'm a witch.

Nonsense. Stop wasting my time.

There is no such thing as a witch.

Oh, just as there's no such thing as Santa Claus?

Oh, well, I can fix that.

What the devil's going on here? Now, you get out of this room

and get back into my nightmare, where you belong.

Not yet.

Not until I've given you your Christmas present.

Mr. Mortimer, you are going to take a long, long trip.

Oh, uh, you don't get airsick, do you?

Put me down! Put me down!

You'll hear from my lawyer about this.

So sue me.

[LAUGHS]

Look down, but don't get dizzy.

Look down there.

Oh, my, isn't that lovely?

Help! Help!

I'm cold.

Oh, well, that's no problem.

I can whip you up a little fur coat in no time.

Get this thing off me.

You and your tricks. I'd rather freeze.

Well, anything you say.

He should be here in a minute, anyway.

Who should be? Where are we?

The North Pole.

But that's terrible. I'm wearing my magnetic watch.

It'll be ruined. Aww.

Samantha! Hello, Santa.

What a wonderful surprise.

Come in, my dear, come in.

After you, Mr. Mortimer.

Santa, I'd like you to meet a friend of mine.

Mr. Mortimer, Santa Claus.

How do you do, Mr. Mortimer?

It's a trick. I know it's a trick.

Oh, a nonbeliever.

A really sad case, Santa.

Well, I guess a little convincing trip

is in order, eh, Samantha? Right.

Right after I finish my last shipment.

Oh, here, let me help you. Thank you, my dear.

We are a little short-handed.

You too, Mr. Mortimer. Make yourself useful.

In the red bag, right there.

I'm sorry I'm not my usual ho-ho self this year,

but it's been a very hard winter.

One thing after another with the elves.

SAMANTHA: Oh, dear.

Well, you can rest next month.

Mm? Yeah, take a trip.

Maybe a couple of weeks in Florida.

Easy with that doll, Mr. Mortimer!

That's a Suzi Bruisy doll.

When you squeeze it, it turns black and blue.

It's the only one of its kind in the world.

Oh, Santa, I know a little girl who'd just love that.

Oh, really? Should I guess, or do you wanna tell me?

[SAM AND SANTA GIGGLING]

This is ridiculous.

I'm Jesse Mortimer of Mortimer Soups,

and I demand to be taken home!

Jesse Mortimer? I don't--

I don't remember ever having dropped down your chimney.

Well, of course not. You don't exist.

Who are you under that beard anyway?

Ow!

Mr. Mortimer!

Well, I'll be glad to take you home.

But we'll have to make a few stops along the way.

And I'm sure you'll find them very interesting.

You behave yourself.

["JINGLE BELLS" PLAYING, INSTRUMENTAL]

Ho, ho, ho!

Ooh, fasten your seat belt, Mr. Mortimer.

Seat belt in a sleigh?

Standard equipment this year.

Well, Mr. Mortimer, this is Santa's last stop

before we take you home.

Should we go up on the roof and meet him?

No, wait a minute.

Isn't that Hawkins?

There you go. Up you go.

Hold on tight.

Yes, it is Hawkins. I knew it.

What are they so happy about?

Don't they know they're poor?

Mr. Mortimer, you're rich.

Are you happy?

Ho, ho, ho!

[LAUGHING] Don't be so grumpy, Mr. Mortimer.

It's Christmas.

I still say humbug!

Ho, ho, ho!

SAM: Well, here we are, Mr. Mortimer.

Home, sweet home.

Good night, Mr. Mortimer. Sleep tight.

Ho... ho.

[SIGHS] Oh, boy.

Hi, hon. You getting up already?

Uh-huh.

I, uh... I didn't want Tabatha to beat us to the tree.

I'll get dressed and keep her busy...

...while you put on the rest of your Santa Claus suit.

[YAWNS]

Ho, ho, ho.

You know something?

Santa Claus should be here very, very soon.

Hurry up, Santa, wherever you are.

Ho, ho, ho!

Ho, ho, ho, ho!

A merry Christmas! A merry Christmas!

And since Tabatha's been

such a good little girl all year,

Santa has a whole bag full of toys for her.

Oh, my.

Here's a paint set for you.

And let's see, what else...

[GASPS]

A bear!

[LAUGHS] Aww.

And... a surprise.

Oh, Tabatha, isn't that wonderful?

What do you say to Santa?

Daddy. Oh, dear.

Well, sweetheart, you were so good,

I never would've guessed.

Sure. [DOORBELL RINGS]

Santa will get it.

Ho, ho, ho!

Ho, ho, ho, yourself, Larry.

You recognized me, huh?

Hi, Larry.

Everybody recognizes me.

Daddy.

Well, almost everybody.

Ho, ho, ho, Tabatha.

Ho, ho, ho.

Oh, this is such a lovely surprise, isn't it, darling?

[SARCASTIC] Lovely.

I tore myself away from Louise and little Jonathan

to come over here and apologize.

In fact, Louise insisted on it.

But if that's the way you feel about it...

Larry. Darrin.

Ho, ho, ho!

Well, who are you?

Oh, Tate, it's you.

You look ridiculous.

Hi, Mr. Mortimer.

Mr. Mortimer!

This is a surprise.

I... I hope I'm not intruding.

Not at all.

Well, I mean, it, uh...

It was sort of lonely at my house.

I thought you and Hawkins were going to stay home

and celebrate humbug.

Well, I sent Hawkins and his family

to Lake Placid for the holidays,

as a Christmas present.

Come right in, Mr. Mortimer.

Yeah, sit down, Mr. Mortimer. You look tired.

Well, I am tired. I didn't get much rest last night.

I was very busy in my dreams.

Aren't you tired, Mrs. Stephens?

Me? Why should I be tired?

Oh, well, never mind.

Here, here, let me take your hat and coat.

Mr. Stephens, Mrs. Stephens, I...

I owe you an apology.

What I mean is--

We understand exactly what you mean.

Don't we, Darrin?

Perfectly.

I don't understand anything.

Mr. Mortimer,

will you spend Christmas with us?

Thank you, Mrs. Stephens.

Call me Samantha.

This is for you, Darrin, Samantha.

Oh, you don't have to open it now.

I'll tell you what it is.

It's a case of Mortimer Instant Soups.

Uh, listen, everybody,

how about some old-fashioned fruitcake?

I made it myself.

And I'll whip up some coffee.

Irish.

You son of a gun.

["DECK THE HALLS" PLAYING, INSTRUMENTAL]

[ALL CHATTERING]

["HARK! THE HERALD ANGELS SING" PLAYING]

There you are, sweetheart. Thanks, hon.

How do you like it, Mr. Mortimer? Delicious.

Old family recipe.

[THUMPING, CRUMBLING]

["JINGLE BELLS" PLAYING, INSTRUMENTAL]

Sorry I'm late, Samantha,

but I ran into some strong headwinds.

I have Tabatha's present right here.

Oh, Santa, you shouldn't have.

You'll never guess what it is.

[CHUCKLING] Suzi Bruisy.

Oh, thank you, Santa.

Merry Christmas, Samantha.

Now, I have a little present for you too.

Oh? Mm-hmm.

It's something you wouldn't have bought for yourself.

A present for Santa.

Well, it's about time.

Suntan lotion?

For your two weeks in Florida.

[CHUCKLING] Thank you, Samantha.

Well, I gotta be getting on my way.

I'll give you a little boost.

Here you are, darling,

your present from Santa Claus.

And, Tabatha, hey, this is our secret.

Secret.

That's right.

What was that noise? What noise?

Why, I thought I heard--

Sam, what'd you put in this fruitcake?

Nothing.

Isn't it about time for, uh...

...eggnog?

Oh, Mr. Mortimer. You're absolutely right, Mr. Mortimer.

Right this way. Merry Christmas. Come on.

LARRY: Need another, Darrin?

Not any at all, Lar. Oh, my.

Away we go, honey. I hope so.

SAM: Thanks, sweetheart.

Mr. Mortimer?

What's that you're holding, little girl?

Baby doll.

Oh, that's not just a baby doll.

That's a Suzi Bruisy baby doll,

the only one of its kind in the world.

Why do I know that?

Not any at all, Lar. Oh, my.

Merry Christmas, Mr. Mortimer.

Merry Christmas.

["SILENT NIGHT" PLAYING, INSTRUMENTAL]

[♪♪]