Original subtitles

I'm sorry I missed Louise,

but Darrin took me to the antique show

at the Barkley Hotel.

Who took who?

Ooh, yes! Oh, it was fascinating.

You know that bentwood rocker I've been looking for?

Well, I found a really beautiful one.

But just my luck... it was sold.

Darrin?

Oh, yeah. He enjoyed the show too.

Especially when he found out I couldn't buy the rocker.

Ho-ho-ho.

Yes.

Good morning, Durwood.

Sam! She's doing it again.

Uh, Louise... Mother just popped in,

so I'm afraid I'll have to hang up.

Goodbye.

Mother, why are you always doing that to Darrin?

Oh, I don't know. It's like eating peanuts.

You can't stop.

Endora, I don't know what I'd do without you,

but I'd rather. Darrin!

Please. Oh, I don't mind.

He always has a chip on his shoulder.

It comes from his head.

Oh, stop it, stop it. Both of you.

Why can't you two try and get along?

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Yes, he is. Just a minute.

It's for you. Wh-who is it?

It's a lady. She didn't give her name.

Naturally.

Thank you.

Hello.

Mr. Stephens, this is Alice Swanton

at the antique show.

You were interested in that bentwood rocker for your wife.

Oh, yes. Uh, uh, let me jot that down.

Uh, uh--

I'll take it in the den.

You want a pencil? Here's one.

Oh, no, I wanted a pen.

I mean, um, I have to refer to some papers.

There goes a guilty man, if I ever saw one.

DARRIN: Okay, honey, I got it.

Oh, don't hang up! I want to hear this.

Samantha!

Mother, marriage for snooping.

Well, if you ask me, for a marriage.

[HUFFS] Hmph.

You mean that rocker's available?

I thought it was sold. It was.

But the woman who bought it changed her mind.

What a break for me.

I'm so glad because I know your wife fell in love with it.

It'll be a wonderful surprise.

You and your ridiculous mortal code.

Mother, you are not going to pick up that phone.

Very well, but you can't stop me from listening.

ALICE: I hope it wasn't awkward, my calling you at home.

DARRIN: Not at all. My wife's not the suspicious type.

ALICE: Well, when can you come over?

DARRIN: Why don't I drop by on my way to work?

ALICE: Will you have time?

DARRIN: For something like this, I'll make time.

Mother, that's enough.

I'd say that's more than enough.

[??]

Oh, Samantha, you're like this.

I suppose you won't he brings her home.

Don't be absurd. [LAUGHS]

Now, watch him come in here and lie.

Darrin has never lied to me.

He's never had any reason to lie because--

Are my ears burning because I have a fever

or because Guess Who's been talking about me?

That's a splendid idea.

What?

What's the idea?

I'm going to test your confidence

in this marvelous mortal of yours.

Lumpkin Pumpkin

Spider's eye

If this mortal He doth lie

Whether told to friend Or told to foe

Each lie will cause His ears to grow

Mother!

Well, what's the difference?

If he doesn't lie, nothing will happen.

You take that spell off him.

Oh, don't be such a spoilsport.

Are my ears burning because I have a fever

or because Guess Who's been talking about me?

Uh... I was wondering who that was on the phone.

The phone?

Oh, as a matter of fact, um...

yeah, it was a substitute secretary at the office,

telling me about an appointment that had been changed.

Well, uh... I got to get going.

See you all.

Substitute secretary.

Substitute for what?

Tsk.

GLADYS: Good morning, Mr. Stephens.

Hi, Mrs. Kravitz.

Isn't it a lovely day?

Yes. It is.

Uh... Mr. Stephens, did you just get a haircut?

No. Uh, why?

Uh... because you l--

You look so... nice.

Thank you, Mrs. Kravitz. So do you.

Mrs. Kravitz, I wonder if you'd mind

if I had something delivered to your house.

It's a surprise for my wife.

What is it? Her birthday or an anniversary?

Neither. Just like that?

Isn't that nice.

Believe me, take lessons from you.

Particularly the one I'm married to.

Now, that's what I call a husband.

Thank you.

Not you. Mr. Stephens.

They don't even have an occasion,

and he's buying her a surprise.

For no reason at all.

Now, why don't you do something like that?

You see how you misjudge a person?

It so happens I just bought you a surprise.

[GASPS] You did?! Where is it?

Right there in the garage. You want to see it?

Huh-huh. Oh!

[GASPS] Oh, I'm so excited!

Oh, it's so big!

Oh! Oh, I just, ah--

No, no.

What is it? What is it?

What is it?!

A table saw.

A table saw?

You know something?

You're crazy.

Don't you want it?

I should say not.

Okay, I'll use it myself.

Are you sure you can deliver it today?

Oh, certainly.

Now, our neighbors will most likely be home,

but in case they're not...

you can leave it in their garage.

Here you are.

I wonder if there's something that big?

[STRANGLED VOICE] What?

Oh, uh, but certainly--

Yes, I could in a furniture carton.

[LAUGHS] Thank you.

Are you going uptown by any chance?

Yes, I am. May I give you a lift?

Yes, I have to get up to my shop for a while.

Okay.

[GIGGLES] Mr. Stephens, you something.

[CHUCKLES] What is it?

Did you ever do any prizefighting?

Um...

Hazel Carter.

How will I ever explain you to her?

[LAUGHS AWKWARDLY] I beg your pardon?

She has a very suspicious mind.

If I tell her about the rocker...

[POPS LIPS] ...there goes the surprise.

Well, can't you just anything?

Are you kidding? takes from her.

Maybe we can slip out.

No. Now, why take a chance.

I'll go make a phone call and I'll meet you outside.

Okay? Oh, thanks.

Hazel. What are you doing here?

Oh, hello, Darrin.

Going to Ah.

Who was that? Who was who?

That very attractive young lady you--

Have you been stung by a bee?

Wha--? Oh, nothing.

Who did you say she was?

Um... a-a client of McMann and Tate,

the firm I work for.

What's the matter?

Your ears.

My-my ears?

My ears!

Oh! What's happened?

Uh. Uh-- Excuse me.

I have to go. Something's come up.

It certainly has.

I mean, it's an emergency.

Yeah, ten minutes.

Bye-bye.

Excuse me. Oh.

Mr. Stephens had to leave.

An emergency came up.

He said to apologize. Oh.

So you're a client of McMann and Tate?

McMann and who?

That's what I thought.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER FROM PHONE]

Darrin, please. Will you stop screaming?

I can't understand a word.

Sam, can't you understand English?

My ears. My ears are growing!

Oh? I'm right in the middle of baking a cake.

Is there anything else? Somebody put a spell on me.

Why are you always looking for someone to blame?

Huh? You don't think I'm responsible, do you?

Could be. a meeting with Larry

and a client who's hanging by a thread.

I've been working on the presentation for two weeks.

How can I go to the office looking like this?

Oh, uh-- You're not at the office?

No, I, uh, stopped somewhere on the way.

[DOORBELL RINGS] There's someone at the door.

I have to go. Goodbye.

Sam? Sam?

Oh, hello, Hazel. Hi, Samantha.

The envelopes for the Community Chest drive.

Thank you. gonna mail them.

Well, I decided to drive by and save the postage.

What?

How's... Darrin?

Fine.

No, I mean his ears.

Oh. You saw them-- Him?

Well, I ran into him at the Barkley Hotel,

and we started talking, and, well, suddenly

they started to sort of... bloom.

What were you and he talking about?

Well, he was with this... person.

And I asked him who this person was.

And he told me... And his ears blew up.

Was it a man or a woman?

Who?

This person?

Oh. Oh, well, I really didn't notice.

Oh, come on, Hazel.

Very well, Samantha.

But remember, I didn't volunteer the information.

[TIRES SQUEAL]

[??]

Sam? Sam, where are you?

Right here. What is it?

What is it? What do you think?!

Look!

I finally figured it out.

Your mother this morning.

Now where is the old hag?

Darrin, that is no way to refer to my mother.

I know, but I'm trying to be polite.

I have no idea where she is.

You're being awfully cool about this whole thing.

Don't you realize the spot I'm in?

Oh, I realize it.

But I'm not sure you do. What?

Darrin, where did you go this morning?

I went to... uh...

I... [CHUCKLES] stopped in to see a client.

I can't believe my ears.

Yours? What about mine?

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Where the devil are you? I'm home.

I know that, idiot.

And what about our appointment with Grayson?

He'll be here any minute.

Larry, I'm not in any condition

to come to the office today.

I'm afraid you'll have to carry the ball yourself.

Are you crazy?

What do I know about the presentation?

You've done all the work on it.

I-I'm not well.

Are you dying? Uh... no.

Then get in here.

Larry, I'm really sorry.

Sorry won't feed the bulldog.

Or your wife and child. Now, are you coming in?

No.

Then, I'll bring Grayson out there.

But Larry, you can't do that!

Larry?

Larry, come back-- [GROANS]

They're coming over here.

What am I gonna do? What am I gonna say?

Are you just gonna sit there?

Aren't you gonna help me?

If I were a mortal woman, I wouldn't lift a finger.

But luckily for you, sort of thing.

Or I'm supposed to be.

Now, let me think.

First, we'll need a beehive.

Yeah! Right!

A beehive?

And I'm very happy Mr. Grayson.

Darrin's on the patio.

Ah, thanks, Sam. This way, Mr. Grayson.

Just remember, I've got a plane to catch.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

[BEES BUZZING]

Uh, what...

What's that getup for?

I'm... just working with my bees.

It's a hobby of mine. Since when?

Oh, I took it up very recently.

Nice to see you, Mr. Grayson.

Uh... nice to see you, Stephens, uh...

so to speak.

Darrin, it's Mrs. Kravitz.

She insists upon speaking to you.

Well, honey, I can't talk to her now. I'm busy.

Take a message. Uh, no!

Uh... she might take offense.

Excuse me.

Darrin, Mr. Grayson has to catch a plane.

He hates to hurt anybody's feelings.

He doesn't seem to care about mine.

Yes, Mrs. Kravitz?

Oh, I just wanted to tell you

they delivered your present.

It's in the garage.

My, what a big box!

[WHISPERS] It's a rocking chair.

Oh. Isn't that nice.

A rocking chair.

Yes. Thanks very much, Mrs. Kravitz.

I'll be over and pick it up a little later.

And when I see your wife,

I'll tell her what Abner gave me.

And then, she'll know what a gem she's got.

Her husband doesn't buy her an idiotic present

like a table saw.

All right, Darrin, ridiculous outfit

and let's get down to business, huh?

Now, let's see...

Now, are you gonna take that off?

Larry, I can't. Why not?

Uh, because of his allergy.

He's allergic to bees.

DARRIN: Uh... yes. And I, uh--

I can't take the chance, in case, um--

In case one of his bees is loose.

That's right. If you're that allergic,

why on earth did you pick this hobby?

Well, uh, you really don't pick a hobby,

it sort of picks you. [CHUCKLES] Know what I mean?

No.

For Pete's sake, let's get on with this.

Uh, right.

I'll go make some coffee.

Mm.

DARRIN: Now, uh, here's a logo that we think

should replace your present one.

It's very good for color television,

although it reproduces very well in black and white.

Well, if you'll just make those amendments, Stephens,

I think we'll have conversations.

Thank you, sir. I'm sorry if I inconvenienced you.

What did you think of that idea of his?

The guy in the beekeeper's mask saying,

"Don't get stung, buy Grayson's."

He was just joking.

I liked it.

It's a terrific idea.

A satisfactory explanation!

You're kidding!

It's not for me.

I trust you implicitly, in spite of my doubts.

Mother will not take off that spell until you explain.

Suppose you explain to me

what gives your mother the right to bug my telephone calls!

Darrin, how can I explain my mother?

That's true. [DOORBELL RINGS]

Besides, you did lie about everything.

Suppose I've got a logical explanation.

That's all Mother's asking for.

I'm sorry, but this is urgent. Mr. Stephens--

[GASPS]

[SCREAMS]

That's marvelous.

That is marvelous.

Sweetheart, don't worry about her.

We have a bigger problem.

Now, about that explanation.

Okay, but you're gonna feel awfully foolish.

I hope so.

I wanted it to be a surprise, but--

You know that rocker you were so wild about?

Mm-hm.

I bought it for you.

Oh, Darrin! You didn't!

Mm-hm. I left my name with the dealer,

and she called this morning to tell me it was available.

That was the woman that Hazel saw me with!

Oh. Oh, my goodness.

You were right. I do feel foolish.

I bought it to make you feel good.

Well... I feel good and foolish. [CHUCKLES]

[SNORTS]

Can't wait to tell mother.

Oh, marvelous!

Keep that up and sailing in a canoe.

Mother, wait until the rocking chair

Darrin bought me. I heard.

Do you believe all that rubbish?

What rocker? Where is it?

For your information, it's sitting

right across the street in Mrs. Kravitz's garage.

[CHORTLES] A likely story.

Mother, if Darrin that's where--

Sam, let's not argue with Miss Know-It-All.

Follow me.

Come on.

Come on.

Gladys, you're and there's no reason.

Tomorrow, I'll call the store

and tell them that carton by mistake.

And they'll bring it back and take the table saw.

There you are.

Oh, wait a minute, hon. Heh.

You're still positive there's no rocker in there?

I say you're bluffing.

In that case, would you like to make a little wager?

Darrin, don't you think getting your ears

back to normal is enough?

Honey, please. For the first time in years,

I've got her over a barrel.

Uh... if I'm right, would you like

to take a little trip... for about a year?

And if you're wrong, you'll do the same?

Absolutely. Darrin.

Please, honey, don't worry.

Goodbye, Endora.

Bon voyage, Dumbo.

And while he's gone, you and I are going

to live it up for a change.

Something's terribly wrong. I've got to get a--

I've got to get ahold of Mrs. Kravitz!

First, get ahold of yourself.

Oh, I thought I heard somebody out here.

What are you wearing that for?

Mr. Kravitz, I've got to talk to your wife, right away.

Well, you can't. I just gave her a sedative,

and she's out like a light.

Going to a-- a costume party?

Yes. Uh, no!

Uh, when will she wake up?

Not until tomorrow, if I'm lucky.

Boy, was she hysterical.

I told her they'd bring your carton back tomorrow.

DARRIN: I've gotta talk to her right now--

My, uh, carton?

ABNER: Oh. I guess I shouldn't have said anything.

Tell her what was in the carton.

Not me. I don't want to spoil the surprise.

It was a rocking chair, wasn't it?

You spoiled your own surprise.

DARRIN: That's okay, Mr. Kravitz.

We've already had a few surprises today.

Tell Mrs. Kravitz I hope she feels better.

Oh, she'll be all right.

It all happened when she came back

from your house, screaming about your--

Would you do me a favor, just for my own peace of mind?

Uh, take that off.

Yes.

Well, that does it.

Back she goes to the psychiatrist.

I may not wait till she wakes up.

You're never wrong, huh?

Suddenly, I find this whole affair incredibly boring.

I'm leaving.

For a year? Oh, don't be absurd.

Do you know what your mother is?

A welsher.

She has got the character of a worm, and furthermore--

And furthermore, why don't we go home

and take advantage of her absence,

even though it's only temporary?

I still say that--

That is the best idea I've heard today.

Mm-hm.

Tabatha's asleep. DARRIN: Good.

And it only took two choruses of "Three Blind Mice."

Oh, Darrin. Oh! This chair is a dream.

To me it was a nightmare.

Sorry.

I can't get over your thinking I was

fooling around with that antique dealer.

Well, she is a very attractive woman.

Don't you think?

Believe me, I never gave her a second thought.

Really?

You don't understand, Sam.

I don't look at another woman

because you're the one woman in the world--

What's the matter?

Ahh!

Oh!

All I can say is...

Mother! Mother!

Uh... why bother her?

What?

Watch.

[GUFFAWS]

Darrin...

I don't think that's the least bit funny.

Well, I got a good laugh at the joke shop.

[??]