Original subtitles

Mother?

Mother, where are you?

ENDORA: I'm upstairs, dear, with Tabatha.

Come on, come on here.

Let's take Tabatha for a long--

Wait till you see the cute dress I got-- [WHINNIES]

Mother!

Cute dress you bought where, darling?

Horsy go.

Mother, how could you?

You asked me to entertain Tabatha.

Not with a horse.

Why, every little girl should have a pony.

You had one.

Not in the house.

Probably you've forgotten.

Your pony had wings.

Pegasus?

But that's not the point.

Suppose Darrin came home unexpectedly,

and saw a pony stomping about.

He isn't likely to come home and see a pony stomping around.

He is the pony.

Oh, no!

[PONY NEIGHS] Mother, you're joking.

[PONY NEIGHS] You're joking, aren't you?

[PONY NEIGHS]

You're not joking?

[NEIGHS]

Oh!

[♪♪]

Mother, this is the worst thing

you have ever done. [NEIGHS]

And considering the past, that's saying a lot.

I couldn't help it.

He came home and had the effrontery to tell me

I didn't know how to look after Tabatha.

Turn him back.

I made a few rather witty remarks about his stupidity,

and then he accused me of riding him.

Turn him back!

So I showed him what it was like to be really ridden.

Ow!

Oh! Him and his childish tantrums.

[SIGHS]

Now, sweetheart, come here.

Now, listen. Don't do anything that'll make Mother mad.

She might do something even worse.

Now, sweetheart...

the thing to remember is that I love you.

Oh, how revolting.

Oh.

Oh, now, Darrin.

Darrin, d-d-don't say anything, please.

I mean, just don't say anything-- I have no intention

of speaking to your mother.

I have only one thing to say,

and that is to you.

Well, fine, you can say anything you want to me.

Yell at me, scream at me--

Either your mother gets out of this house

and stays out, or I do. Oh, now, Darrin.

Until she goes, I don't come back!

Well, we're rid of him.

You heard what he said. Out!

Well, at the moment I can think of a number of places

I'd rather be. Good.

But I have a sweet and forgiving nature.

I might even do something nice for Darwin,

such as a peace offering.

Oh, that would be a very good idea.

Now, what should it be?

Something nice.

Something very, very nice.

If there's one thing I do pride myself on,

it's my imagination.

And in conclusion, may I say that we will handle your account

with all the thoroughness and attention

that we have in the past. It--

With all the thoroughness--

With all the thoroughness and attention

that we have in the past. It has been our ex--

Aah! Ow!

Mr. Stephens. Uh, yes?

That perfume company in Paris, the one you did the ads for?

They sent you a sample of their new perfume, Hallucination.

Tell me what you think of it.

I tried that new perfume.

Hm.

What do you think?

I think...

"Hallucination" is a very good name for it.

Mr. Stephens? Are you all right?

Oh, that, uh, perfume's got quite a kick.

Makes you feel like jumping up and down.

I think I'd better get it out of the building.

Mr. Gregson, I'd like you to meet

one of our bright young men, Darrin Stephens.

Darrin, I don't have to tell you who Mr. Gregson is.

No, indeed. How do you do, Mr. Gregson?

How do you do, young man?

What happened to your desk?

Uh, they're not making wood the way they used to.

Something must have gone against the grain.

Won't you sit down, Mr. Gregson.

Pull up a chair, Larry. Thank you.

I was discussing with Mr. Tate how'd we handle your account

if you decide to come with us.

I've definitely severed relations

with my present agency.

They don't understand my image.

If I may say so, Mr. Gregson,

your image is the American home.

And if I may say so, Gregson Home Appliances

should be synonymous with that perfect American home.

I never had one as a child. I was an orphan.

So you see, the perfect home is sort of a dream of mine.

An ideal. Uh...

Your wife?

Oh, no.

Mother?

No, uh...

My mother-in-law. Oh.

Moth--?

That's fantastic.

Absolutely fantastic.

In all my life, I don't believe I've ever seen

a man with a picture of his mother-in-law on his desk.

Lately, I've been taking it with me everyplace I go.

She must be a treasure.

You must adore her.

Well, uh, let's put it this way.

She's the sort of woman who's, uh, hard to resist.

I'd like to meet her.

Uh, as a matter of fact, my wife and I

are having dinner with the Stephenses tonight.

You are?

Perhaps you could join us.

Oh, no, no, no.

As much as I'd like to meet his mother-in-law,

I wouldn't think of intruding.

I'm running late.

It's been nice meeting you, Stephens.

Mr. Gregson. I'll be talking to you later, Larry.

Give us a ring any time. I'll do that.

Bye, Mr. Gregson Bye, Larry.

How could you look so dumb

when I said we were coming to dinner?

Well, I didn't know you were.

We weren't.

But when Mr. Ten-Million- Dollars'-Worth-of-Advertising

says he'd like to meet your mother-in-law, we are.

Now, when I talk to him later, I'm going to tell him

that Samantha absolutely insists on his coming,

and that your mother-in-law is dying to meet him.

Uh, she isn't.

She may have other plans, uh...

What's the matter, Larry?

Just thinking...

...how bare this office would look without your desk.

How forlorn this hat rack would look without your hat.

Darrin... please reconsider.

Don't leave the company. We need you.

We love you.

At least while you're with us.

Larry, I refuse to be intimidated.

Oh? By a simple little dinner party

with your best friend and his wife

and a business associate?

Well, as long as you're putting it that way--

We'd love to have you and Louise and Mr. Gregson for dinner.

But that won't guarantee that my mother-in-law will be there.

Darrin, I know you'll do the very best you can.

You son of a gun.

You son of a gun.

In spite of what you heard,

you are not invited to dinner tonight.

Thank you.

I'd love to come.

Y--!

[GROANS]

They should be here any minute.

Sweetheart, will you stop worrying?

I am sure, under the circumstances,

Mother will not show up.

Mother! You called?

I thought I heard my name.

Thanks for popping in, Endora, now do me a favor, pop out!

Well, I thought I was doing you a favor

by being here to meet the charming Mr. Gregson.

Samantha--!

Will you kindly ask your mother what makes her think

our marriage certificate is her deed to my house?

Now, wait a minute, sweetheart. I--

Both of you.

Perhaps under the circumstances,

it might be a good idea if Mother stayed.

Huh? If you promise to behave yourself.

But of course. And if you apologize to Darrin

for what happened this morning.

I regret my slight transgression of this morning,

however deserved.

That's an apology?

Mm. For Mother, it is.

Okay. But no funny business.

Witch's honor.

[DOORBELL RINGS] There they are. I'll get it.

Mother, try and keep the conversation

on a domestic level.

[SIGHS QUIETLY]

Louise! Hi, Darrin.

[OVERLAPPING GREETINGS]

LARRY: Hello, Sam. How are you?

Endora, how nice to see you again!

Mr. Tate. Honey, this is Mr. Gregson.

Oh, Mr. Gregson, I can't tell you

what a pleasure it is to meet you.

Up until now, all I've met is your name.

Oh, it's on our vacuum cleaner,

and our dishwasher-- almost everything we own.

That's very flattering.

I've been looking forward to meeting you.

And your mother.

DARRIN: Endora, I'd like you to meet Mr. Gregson.

How do you do? How do you do, Mr. Gregson?

And may I say you look even more lovely in person

than in your photograph.

Oh, not only may you say so,

but you can repeat it as often as you wish.

More coffee, Mr. Gregson?

No, thank you, my dear.

I was just telling Darrin how much I admire

his frank display of affection.

Your picture on his desk.

[LAUGHS]

I would never have been so egotistical

as to have given it to him.

He must have stolen it.

Do you have your mother-in-law's picture on your desk, Mr. Tate?

Oh, I can answer that-- No.

Uh, I happen to be the kind of man

that likes a clean desk.

Perfectly clean. Clear head, clean desk.

[LAUGHS] Darrin can be so gallant.

He was so complimentary to Mother tonight

about her dinner dress.

Endora has exquisite taste.

I'm sure your husband is just as complimentary

to your mother, Mrs. Tate?

Oh, yes. Yes, indeed.

Darrin and I are exactly alike in that.

As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be surprised

if he picked it up from me.

He sees my mother-in-law at our house so often.

We're a very close family.

You can drop in at our house anytime,

and there she is.

She practically lives with us.

Oh, I-I wouldn't say that.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Because when it comes to mothers-in-law,

I can safely say that mine is really...

...something else.

[KICKS LARRY] Ow!

Oh, excuse me, dear.

I was just crossing my legs.

Um, excuse us.

The light's better in the living room.

I want to make sure I haven't broken the skin.

It's a wonder you didn't break my leg.

Will you stop with those thinly-veiled insults

about my mother. Shh!

I've got a million-dollar client in there,

and you're carrying on about your mother.

I don't care! I will not listen to you insult my mother.

Even subtly!

Louise!

[DOOR OPENS]

No, I'm not leaving.

I wouldn't give you the satisfaction.

Excuse me.

Nothing to be alarmed about. Just an attack of nerves.

Louise had a little tiff with her hairdresser this afternoon, and--

Tate, there's no point in beating around the bush.

I don't think you understand my image.

I certainly do, Mr. Gregson.

The perfect American home.

You can't have a perfect home without a harmonious family.

Perfection, Mr. Gregson, is something that grows,

like a flower garden.

Yours seems to be full of weeds.

Not every son-in-law

is as cuddly as Darr-Darr and I are.

Right. And that's what's given me an idea.

Darrin, suppose I were to set you up

in an advertising agency of your own.

What?! Turn my account over to you.

I appreciate it, Mr. Gregson, but it's out of the question.

Larry here is the genius. I couldn't handle it.

I'm just a routine workhorse.

Oh, I wouldn't say routine. He's a fine workhorse.

On the other hand, Mr. Gregson,

my son-in-law does understand your image.

Right! He not only understands my image,

he lives it. Darrin, think it over.

I already have thought it over.

Larry is the brains.

He's the greatest advertising man.

Right.

He is so modest.

Yes, and I admire that in a man too.

Darrin, y-- Oh, my!

What's the matter, Mr. Gregson?

Oh, migraine. Oh, I'm so sorry.

Well, unpleasant scenes like this always bring it on.

Trouble is, my medicine's at home.

I'm terribly sorry, but I'm afraid I'll have to leave.

Good night, dear lady.

Until we meet again.

Yes. Yes.

LARRY: Mr. Gregson.

DARRIN: Mr. Gregson.

Good night, gentlemen.

Well, my boy. Congratulations.

What are you talking about?

Very clever. In no time at all,

you took a $10 million account away from McMann & Tate

and opened your own agency.

Don't be silly. He was the one who suggested it.

I didn't say-- You played up to his weakness.

Larry, may I remind you that you're the one who insisted

on bringing him here tonight.

Ah, that's where you showed real cunning.

Without me even suspecting it,

you made me think the whole thing was my idea.

Everything's just fine now.

It is? Yes, Louise is feeling much better.

We're leaving.

Oh, and Louise,

in this house, walk with your back to the wall,

if you don't want a knife in it.

Larry! I'll explain what happened later.

Come on. Come on.

What happened? Well--

Oh, yes. One more thing.

Be sure and let us know where to forward your mail.

[LAUGHS]

What's so funny?

That's what I love about mortals.

They can get themselves into such hilarious messes

without my even lifting a finger to cast a spell.

Endora!

Just call me Mother.

Sweetheart?

Good morning, darling.

Good morning and good news.

Mother dropped in to say goodbye.

She's on her way to Paris.

She wanted to select some new designs

that her couturier hasn't thought of yet.

That's marvelous, sweetheart.

Thank you, honey.

[WIND BLOWING]

There she goes.

And there goes a whole night's work.

I've been lining up a campaign for Mr. Gregson.

He'll love it-- It's in tune with everything he stands for.

Image, image, image. What time is it, darling?

Nearly 9:00. I have to get down to the office.

I want to go over this stuff with Larry.

Oh, thank goodness.

For a minute I thought maybe you'd taken last night

a little too seriously.

Of course not. Larry was just mad.

And I don't blame him.

Gregson did give him a bad time.

You know what I'm gonna do? What?

I'm gonna give him credit for this whole campaign.

Why, he didn't have anything to do with it.

But that's how we are with one another.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

The doorbell. Probably Larry, come to apologize.

[WHISTLING MELODY]

Mr. Stephens, Mr. Tate said to deliver your office furniture here.

Uh...

Put it in the garage.

So that's how it is.

While I'm slaving in there to save his account,

he's throwing my furniture out of my office.

Sweetheart, maybe if you talked to--

I have no intention of ever speaking to him again.

I'm going to take those advertising ideas down to see Mr. Gregson.

I'm going to open my own office.

Oh, now, Darrin, don't do anything you'll regret.

I've always been the brains of that outfit.

It's just time I proved it.

Sweetheart. You-- Oh.

Fiddle-de-dee And fiddle-de-dum

Let witchcraft work And let it hum

Give all the credit To Larry Tate

As Darrin wanted Before his hate

GREGSON: Magnificent.

Unbelievable.

Absolutely brilliant.

You know, without a doubt,

this is the greatest advertising presentation

I have ever seen.

I brought it to you, sir,

because I'd knew you'd see its value.

It has-- It has my image.

You know, last night

you said that Larry Tate was the brains of your company.

Oh, well...

One is expected to say such things

at a time like that.

I regard humility as a virtue.

Well, the man who can do work like this

is the man for me.

And the man who did that is at your disposal.

Good. Let's go see him.

Hm?

I was prepared to set you up in business,

but you quite simply and honestly

gave me evidence that I should stick with McMann & Tate.

Me?

You have the image all right,

but Tate has the brains and the know-how.

And when you get right down to the nitty-gritty--

never mind the image--

I'll take the brains every time.

Do you know any other person who could do work like that?

Excuse me, sir.

"Larry Tate." Hm.

"Larry Tate."

No, I know of only one person

who can do work like that.

Darrin could have taken advantage of me.

He could have let me believe

that he was the brains of this company.

But, no. He simply showed me

the magnificent ideas you'd come up with.

Well, I-I have so many brilliant ideas

that sometimes I forget some of them.

GREGSON: You have a fine young man

following in your footsteps.

His noble footsteps.

Well, we can discuss these ideas later.

Drop in my office this afternoon. I certainly will.

Mr. Gregson. Darrin.

Goodbye, Larry. Bye-bye.

You put my name to your work?

After I fired you, and then threw your furniture out?

Just remember that the next time you want to fire me.

There won't be a next time.

Darrin, I want to do something wonderful for you.

You name it. It isn't necessary.

No, no, no, no. Name it.

I'll let you name it.

How does this sound?

McMann, Tate & Stephens.

It sounds sensational.

Well, one of these days, a few years from now,

if you follow in my footsteps,

that's the way it's going to read.

Couldn't happen to a better man.

That's what I admire about you, Larry.

That's why you're the brains of this outfit.

You dream big.

[PONY NEIGHS]

[GIGGLES]

Oh, no!

Oh, Mother, you've done it again.

Come on, sweetheart.

Get off Daddy's back.

[WHINNIES] Darrin, darling.

Sweetheart...

Did something happen while I was out?

Did you get into another argument?

Oh, sweetheart, I'm sorry.

DARRIN: Sam. Yes.

Oh! Darrin.

That pony is shedding.

I thought it was you.

Yesterday, it was.

Oh, and Tabatha loved it so much

that you bought her one.

No, I didn't.

Oh?

All right, Tabatha.

Where did it come from?

[ENDORA CHUCKLES]

Excuse me. Come on, Tabatha.

That's a girl. Ah!

The pony is on me.

That I'd like to see. Darrin.

Honey, we cannot accept a gift

that is conjured up by witchcraft.

Oh, really, Derrick!

Why, sometimes, you know, you're positively quaint.

Endora, I refuse to discuss it. The ingratitude of mortals.

We have a rule in this house--

It never ceases to amaze me.

I'm getting tired of all this arguing.

You're constantly coming in here,

and, boom, explosions, animals running around all the time.

Darrin!

[BOTH ARGUING LOUDLY]

Oh, please! Please!

[♪♪]