Original subtitles

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it.

I said I'd get it.

Will you open it?

Darrin, why don't you go back and finish your breakfast?

Open it.

All right.

Thank you.

Aren't you afraid your breakfast will get cold?

No, because I finished it. What have you got there?

Sweetheart, now, I know how you've been saying

we should try and hold down expenses right now,

but this was an incredible bargain.

Well, honey, as long as it's something you need,

it's perfectly okay. Oh!

What is it?

As a matter of fact, it was a steal.

And if you don't like it, I can take it back.

Sam, why the big fuss?

Have I ever denied you anything?

I mean anything within reason?

Now, you make it sound as if I were some sort of cheap--

I'll take it back. No.

I was just a little surprised because, uh--

Is that the coat we saw in the store last week?

Yes. Now, Darrin, I know you thought

it was awfully expensive, but it was marked way down.

Uh, uh, to what?

A hundred and sixty dollars.

Oh.

I'll take it back.

No, don't be silly.

I realize that with just a little:

You could zap up the most beautiful coat in the world.

The fact that you found this bargain is-- it's gratifying.

Then you don't think I should have bought it?

Well, I think you should have talked to me first.

I'll take it back.

Do what you want. Either way, do you mind if I go to work,

so I can earn some money to pay for the darn thing?

Darrin, you have to tell me

whether I should take it back or not.

I told you to keep it. I'll take it back.

Uh, goodbye.

Mother, put that down.

Not until I put him down.

To think that you, my daughter,

whose cloak should be mantles of moonbeams,

reduced to haggling with a full-time cheapskate

over a ratty, little coat.

It just so happens that this trim,

is the finest tourmaline mink.

And Darrin is not a cheapskate.

He's just... careful.

That's right.

He's a careful cheapskate.

Mother, it isn't that I don't adore hearing you rant and rave,

but would you mind doing it somewhere else.

[CACKLING]

Somewhere else is where I'll do it.

And when I do it, 'tis you who'll rue it.

You'll see Dumbo in his true light.

You won't believe he could be so tight.

[♪♪]

Good morning, Darrin. Boy have I got a surprise for you.

We just latched on to the Bigelow Tire account,

and guess who's going to handle it.

Me? Mm-hm.

What's wrong with it?

Now, Darrin, is that fair?

Even though I'm the boss, haven't I always carried

my share of the problem accounts?

Sure you have, Lar.

Right up to the time they become problems.

Lucky for you, I know you're kidding, right?

Right.

Mr. Bigelow's coming up later this morning.

[BUZZER] Yes?

BETTY: Mrs. Stephens on one.

Thanks, Betty.

I'm going. I'll buzz you when he gets here.

Hi, Sam. Sweetheart, about the coat--

I just wanted you to know you had every right to be annoyed.

[SIGHS] Wait a minute, honey. I was not annoyed.

You could've fooled me.

Anyway, I'm going to take it back.

No, Sam, I want you to keep it.

If I seemed the least bit negative,

it was only because...

Well, I wanted this to be a surprise,

but I might as well tell you.

Tell me what?

Darrin?

Monty, morey, mewt and poke

On his head, this spell invoke

Up from the depths Where it lies sleeping

The Miser in him Must now come leaping

That's an awful lot of money for something that's not necessary.

What? And money doesn't grow on trees, you know.

But just a moment ago, you said I could keep it.

So what? A moment ago you said you were gonna take it back.

Now Sam, I've got a lot of work to do.

And time is money, you know.

Well, I won't take up any more of your money.

Goodbye.

A penny for your thoughts.

And I know you can use the cash.

All the world loves a funny witch.

What did what's-his-name have to say?

Darrin? Well, he thought--

Yes?

How'd you know it was him?

Oh, just intuition.

What was on his little mind?

Nothing. Same as usual, eh?

What, uh...

What have you decided to do about... this?

You know, Mother, you were right.

It is kinda ratty.

I think I'll take it back.

[TYPING]

Betty, get this in the mail for me right away,

will you please? Yes, sir.

And Betty...

Now, what do you see on this envelope?

Your name.

And what else?

Nothing. Exactly.

Then why did you discard it?

Why--?

Betty, the reason they put all these lines

on these interoffice envelopes, is so you can use them

over and over and over again.

Envelopes don't grow on trees, you know.

I'm sorry, I didn't--

And while we're on the subject, the next time you remove

the pages from my calendar, don't throw them away.

What should I do with them?

Use them.

See? It's blank.

Makes perfectly good scratch paper.

Now, if you multiply-- the calendar pads by-- [BUZZER]

Y-Yes? LARRY: Ask Mr. Stephens to come in.

Mr. Bigelow's here.

Be right there, Larry.

Let's get on the ball, Betty, before it's too late.

Yes, sir.

No, I won't cry.

He'll say I'm wasting water.

Now let me make something quite clear, Stephens.

I've got ten million dollars in the bank,

and the way I got it there was by refusing to make

any useless expenditures.

The minute you spend one unnecessary dollar, you're through.

And I'd deserve to be, Mr. Bigelow.

Because there's no greater crime than

spending money unnecessarily.

You know, I think we're gonna get along all right.

Stephens is right.

But on the other hand, you have to spend money to make money.

[CHUCKLES] You're only saying that, Larry, because we're in the advertising business,

where we take 15 percent off the top.

Did I tell you, Mr. Bigelow,

this boy is the kind you can't buy.

Honest, open, fearless.

[COUGHS]

Cigar bother you? No, no.

Here. Care for one?

Oh, yes, thanks.

You know, you wouldn't believe it if I told you

how little I pay for these cigars.

I get 'em directly from the maker.

I'll put this up against any five-cent cigar in the country.

Really? I'd like to get some.

Why, I can give you his name.

Jose Ortega, 1555 Bleecker Street, apartment four.

Thank you. Say, here, have another for later.

Thanks. Uh, Mr. Bigelow,

Stephens will get to work immediately on the new layouts.

Meanwhile, I've had the art department

redo some of your previous ads,

to give you an idea of our approach.

Wait a minute. I didn't request it.

It's been done at our own expense.

Well, let's look at it, by all means.

It just occurs to me.

Tires are black and white.

There's no need to go to the added expense

of a four-color process.

Good thinking!

How do you like that for integrity, huh?

Isn't he something? All he cares about

is cutting down the cost for the client.

No matter what it costs us.

Darrin, my boy, why don't we just step into your office,

and let Mr. Bigelow, here, examine this stuff

at his own tempo?

What are you trying to do, Darrin?

What do you mean?

That cheap act you're putting on is great.

But what good is it, if you blow the deal?

Larry, I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, come off it, Darrin.

You heard that Bigelow was a tightwad

and you're just trying to humor him.

Which is a great approach, don't misunderstand me.

And when you actually took one of those horrible cigars,

I considered it an act of personal heroism.

Yuck, I can still taste them.

You didn't even smoke one.

You don't have to smoke one of those cigars to taste them.

Mm. I better get back to Bigelow.

What do you keep writing in that book?

I'm simply recording the fact

that you owe me three cents.

What? A penny for the gum

and two cents for the cigarette.

Sam? Sam!

Hi, sweetheart.

You left the outside light on.

Of course. So you could see your way in from the garage.

I always do. Well, between the time you turned it on

and I got home, you wasted an awful lot of electricity.

It might be worth installing a switch,

so the light can be turned on from the garage.

Well, why be so extravagant?

You drive your car into the garage,

and honk your horn, say, uh, three times,

then I'll allow a few seconds for you to get out of the car,

and then I'll turn on the outside light.

You can joke if you want to, but electricity

doesn't grow on trees, you know.

That's right. It grows on telephone poles.

It's awfully bright in here.

Darrin, I get the message, but why are you so concerned

over a few cents worth of electricity?

A few cents here, a few cents there. It all mounts up.

And Sam, we've got to do something

about saving some money around here.

Well, I think I did my share today.

I took the coat back.

You did? Uh-huh.

Oh, that's great!

Oh, yes, that could be quite a saving.

Well, if it makes you that happy,

I ought to buy more things and return them.

Sam, do we need a 100-watt bulb in there?

Forgive me for changing the subject,

but, um, how was your day?

I've been meaning to tell you.

I got a new account today. Bigelow Tires.

The client and I, just seem to hit it off.

Seems like we had something in common.

Oh, well, sweetheart, I-I--

Well, I just can't tell you how thrilled I am.

Hmm, thank you.

You know, I was thinking of having Mr. Bigelow

and his wife over to dinner.

Larry and Louise too, of course.

Why, yes, of course, Sweetheart, anytime if--

[CHUCKLES] Phew!

Um, where did you get that?

This cigar?

That's what it is? Bigelow.

Would you believe they cost under a nickel apiece?

That much?

Only if you buy them from the maker.

Um, Darrin,

you're Mr. Bigelow sounds like a terrible cheapskate.

Samantha, I don't appreciate you criticizing somebody

that I happen to admire.

Now, if you don't mind, I'll change the subject.

What's for dinner?

Uh, steak and asparagus with hollandaise sauce.

Oh, I better check the sauce.

Oh, wait a minute.

What happened to yesterday's spaghetti?

I threw it out.

You what?

Sam, that's an inexcusable waste.

But you hate leftovers.

There's nothing wrong with leftovers.

In fact, I prefer them.

Well, all right.

From now on, we'll have nothing but leftovers.

If I can just figure out what they'll be leftover from.

You've just given me a great idea for a new product.

What's that? Canned leftovers.

Lie down, sweetheart, you've been overworking.

I'll call you when dinner's ready.

Hey!

Oops. Sorry.

I didn't realize you were in here.

Where did you think I was cooking, in the garage?

It's curdled.

That makes two of us.

I'll just have to throw it away.

Are you kidding? I love curdles.

Darrin, what's gotten into you? You nev--

Ohhhh, Mother!

Mother's been at it again.

At what again?

She's turned you into a terrible cheapskate.

I beg your pardon.

In what way have I been cheap?

Listen, do you think tomorrow night's too soon

to ask Mr. Bigelow and his wife to dinner?

Oh, no, I don't think so.

From what you've told me, I'm sure he'd jump

at the offer of a free meal.

You're right. I know I would.

I'll call him from the office tomorrow.

What do you suggest I serve?

Veal birds?

What are veal birds?

Fake chicken legs on a stick made of ground up veal.

Hey, that might be kinda novel.

And it's inexpensive?

And cheap.

Sounds perfect.

Oh, I was only kidding.

Although in your condition, I should know better than to risk it.

I certainly am glad you can come, Mr. Bigelow.

I hope you don't feel I was too presumptuous in asking you.

After all, we just met yesterday.

It was a very important meeting for me.

It was like meeting a-- a kindred spirit.

Oh, you don't have to do that.

But if you insist on bringing some wine,

there'll be six of us.

Yes, a gallon should be plenty.

Everything okay? Mm-hm.

They should be here any minute.

I'm practically set.

How are the veal birds doing?

That's funny. They look just like prime rib.

It is a prime rib!

Darrin, don't you understand?

This is a business dinner. Now, you--

Of course. Business dinner.

Split the cost of the prime rib with Larry.

That's good thinking, Sam. Darrin, don't you dare ask Larry to--

[DOORBELL] I'll get it.

Oh...

Mother? Mother, I'm gonna make one last appeal to you,

before this evening turns into a disaster.

Now, you come back here immediately

and take that spell off.

Well, there's nothing to do but try and remove it myself,

which is half foolish and half useless.

But I'm desperate.

Oh, come right in.

[CHATTERING]

This must be Mrs. Bigelow.

How do you do? Very nice to meet you.

Thank you. Let me take your things.

You know Mr. and Mrs. Tate?

Oh, yes, we drove up together. It was perfect timing.

Where's Sam? DARRIN: Uh, Sam?

MRS. BIGELOW: My, what a lovely home.

Thanks very much. Won't you sit down?

Creepy, Cheapy Take a chance

On a triple dose Of extravagance

MRS. BIGELOW: We should move to the country, dear.

MR. BIGELOW: The commuting gets expensive, doesn't it, Stephens?

Yes, it does. I've been thinking of organizing a car pool.

Good idea.

Uh, Sam?

This is my wife. Mr. and Mrs. Bigelow.

How do you do? Mr. Bigelow, Mrs. Bigelow.

How do you do? Samantha.

LARRY: Hi, Sam. Oh, hi, Lar--

[COUGHING]

I'm sorry. Cigar bother you?

Oh, no. No, I love the smell of a good cigar.

Well, I wish I had one. This is awful.

That's what I've been trying to tell you for 20 years.

[COUGHING]

I love them. I'm gonna order some.

If you do, you're crazy.

But-- but they're so cheap.

Look, you get what you pay for.

If you haven't learned that, you don't know a thing.

Darrin, how about some drinks before dinner?

Good idea.

You get the glasses, I'll pour the wine.

Mrs. Stephens, that roast was sheer delight.

I haven't had prime rib in years.

Oh, doctor's orders?

No, banker's.

We ought to have prime rib once in a while.

Oh, yes, dear. I'll start saving.

Have one of these Coronas.

Why, thank you.

Aren't those awfully expensive?

Two dollars a piece.

Two dollars?!

Well, if you want the best, you've got to pay for it.

Dear, are you sure you wouldn't like a bromide?

Oh, of course not.

Oh, incidentally, what would you think

of the Andy Douglas Show for Bigelow Tires?

I hear they're shopping for a sponsor.

DARRIN: Oh, Mr. Bigelow, um,

in the presentation I'm preparing,

I recommend that you buy a show called

Spot the Place. It's a game show.

And it's a much better buy on a cost per thousand.

I'm not interested in a better buy.

I like the Andy Douglas Show.

That'll cost you a fortune. BIGELOW: Yes.

Besides, if you want to make money,

you've got to spend money, right?

Tate, I wanna talk to you tomorrow about my account

and how it's going to be handled.

And who's going to handle it.

Uh, excuse me,

there's something I have to remove.

From the stove? Not exactly.

I don't know what's gotten into my husband.

But I hope it never wears off.

I thought you had to do something, Samantha.

I'll do it later.

If it isn't too late.

As far as I'm concerned,

Andy Douglas is a funny, funny man.

One of the funniest.

At those prices, he better be.

But at the same time, he's warm.

One of the warmest.

The emcee of this game show is warm and cheap.

You know, I'll never forget the benefit Andy did

for the League for Animal Assistance.

I'm chairman of their Annual Fund Drive, you know.

Is that right? You know that's a great charity.

I've always admired the work they do.

You have?

How much can I put you down for?

Well, naturally I have my own charities,

but I'll be glad to give a token contribution.

Well, every little bit helps, you know.

I'll put you down for five. Fine.

Stephens, how about you? Perhaps you'd care to give something.

Uh, Mr. Bigelow,

I hope you're not going to misunderstand this--

uh, charities are all well and good...

Well! [LAUGHS]

Well, what took you so long?

I guess things did get a little out of hand, didn't they?

A little--? Mother, I'll never forgive you.

But I'll think it over if you take that spell

off Darrin this instant.

Oh... All right.

Weebus, wallabus, teetle bell

The time has come To alter the spell

Rumbus, rebus, apple pan soak

The spell I wove I now revoke

I wish I'd said that.

Oh, Mother, wait a minute.

Okay.

And I think your charity is one of the best.

So, you can put me down for the same amount as Larry.

Well, thank you, gentlemen.

That's very generous of you.

Tate: five.

Stephens: five.

You know $1000 goes a long way for a stray dog or cat.

Goes a long way for a human, too.

I tell you, I've never seen

a change come over a man like that, have you?

Once in a while.

Mrs. Bigelow certainly left here on a cloud, didn't she?

Yeah. I'm not even going to say I'm mad at your mother,

because that would be the understatement of the year.

Would you get the cups, please?

Yeah. If she ever tries anything like that again, I'll--

You'll what?

If you're trying to show me how small you feel,

because of what you did to me, forget it!

You--! Darrin.

Darrin, don't let her size fool you.

There's nothing small about her powers.

What are you doing in there?

Resting, darling.

Oddly enough, I'm glad you're here.

Putting that spell on me was bad enough,

But taking it off when you did, was a really rotten timing.

Oh, don't make such a fuss.

You know as well as I do that $500 is tax deducible,

or whatever you people call it.

That's not the point.

Now I don't know if I can afford the gift I bought you.

[GASPS] You bought me something?

What is it? Let me see.

Don't peek.

If he's giving something,

this I have to see.

Oh, Mother, stop it.

[GASPS] Oh, Darrin!

No wonder you acted so funny about the one I bought.

Well, naturally, I was a little disappointed.

Well, why didn't you tell me?

I was going to... when something came over me.

Mother. What?

You ready to say uncle?

[♪♪]