Original subtitles

[ITALIAN ACCENT] That should give you some idea as to how we handle

the Chef Romani product in our European market.

Now we come to invade the American market.

[LAUGHS] This is one invasion we Americans

will surrender to without a fight.

With the proper propaganda.

We prefer to call it commercials. Of course.

Mr. Arcarius, I pride myself on being an average American,

and the average American eats Italian food once a week.

I sometimes eat it twice.

Good boy.

Now I'm certain we here at McMann & Tate

have the personnel, the imagination--

I am aware of your reputation, Mr. Tate.

But, there is something more important,

Mr. Romani's impression of you will be based

not so much on, uh, campaigns as on personality.

Now, it might be a nice, little touch of diplomacy

if one of you had a smattering of Italian.

No problem.

Uh, Darrin is fluent in the tongue.

Well, I wouldn't exactly say fluent.

I, uh, have a smattering of, uh, fluency.

Oh? Lei parla bene allora?

Comme ci comme ça.

He speaks, French too.

Oh, marvelous.

It's been a splendid meeting, gentlemen.

I am very encouraged and certain

that we will do business together.

Good. I will keep in touch.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Auf Wiedersehen.

He speaks German, too.

Oh.

Bye-bye.

How was that for fancy footwork, huh?

You put your fancy foot in my mouth, Larry.

I don't know a single word of Italian.

So, for $500,000 in billings, you'll learn.

I don't have a facility for languages.

In college, I was a D student.

How hard can it be

if every little kid in Italy can speak it?

Don't be funny.

Okay.

Uh, let me put it this way--

You understand English?

Yes.

Then listen very carefully to Great White Father.

He speak softly but carry big stick.

Chef Romani heap big account.

So you learn to speak simple Italian,

or findum other job.

[♪♪]

So... I accepted the challenge!

At first, I was mad.

But then I asked myself, "Who am I mad at?"

Larry? No! I was mad at myself

for being afraid to accept the challenge.

So I went over to the World Wide School of Languages

and bought these albums.

Well, sweetheart, I'm very proud of you.

Thank you. It's just a matter of concentration, right?

Right. But you didn't have to buy records.

I speak a little Italian. Perhaps I could--

Yeah, I know, I know.

I'd rather do it by myself.

Now, if you'll go, I have to get to work.

Go, go. Okay.

[SIGHS] MAN'S VOICE [ITALIAN ACCENT]: Hello.

My name is Alfonso Martinelli.

I am your teacher.

What is your name?

Darrin Stephens. Now say it in Italian.

[ITALIAN ACCENT] Dino Stevanso?

In Italian, you say,

"Io sono il Signor blank blank."

Io sono il Signor Blank Blank.

You see how easy?

Easy for you, difficult for me.

You meet beautiful girl in café

and you wish to become acquainted.

"Lei ha una figura per fare l'amore."

Which means, "You have a body made for love."

Repeat after me.

Lei. Lei.

Ha. Ha.

Una. Una.

Figura. Figura.

Per. Per.

Far. Far.

L'amore. L'amore.

Again. [CLEARS THROAT]

Lei ha figura, uh--

Twice is enough.

If she does not respond, find another table.

What kind of a record is that?

"Simple phrases for the American bachelor in Italy."

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Darling, you and I can go to the opera at La Scala.

And weekends we can motor down to Venice.

Prince Pepe will put us up at the pink palazzo.

And afternoons we could go to the American bar.

We can...

Well, we can just stop dreaming.

What's-his-name will never learn the language,

and you'll be stuck here in this stultifying suburb

for the rest of your unnatural life.

Mother, in the first place,

I do not like the opera or Prince Pepe.

In the second place,

what's-his-name's name is Darrin.

In the third place, I read stultifying suburb

as home sweet home.

And in the fourth place,

I'll bet Darrin does learn Italian.

That would be nice.

That would be very nice.

That way, if you ever do make a trip to Europe,

Dum-Dum wouldn't be a source of embarrassment.

Mother, dear. Yes?

Butt out.

Of course.

Good.

WOMAN: Now you will count, please.

Uno, due,

tre...

[MOUTHING]

...quattro,

cinque.

Time. If you counted to ten,

you are a superior student.

To seven, you are average.

And to five, stupido.

You really know how to hurt a guy.

Now I will test you on the months of the year

which we had in the beginning of the record.

Begin, please.

Uh, January, Gennaio.

February... Forget February!

Uh, March, Marzo.

April--

Uno, due, tre

I wish he might I wish he may

Speak like an Italian At the break of day!

Aprile,

Maggio,

Guigno, Luglio,

Agosto, Settembre,

Ottobre, Novembre, Dicembre.

Hey, how about that.

Now we'll review the conjugation

of the verb "to see."

Sei bella...

come i fiori nel vaso.

Grazie. Darrin, did you say that?

[ITALIAN ACCENT] You were expecting maybe Marcello Mastroianni?

Oh, Darrin, that's beautiful!

Yeah, it was, wasn't it?

I guess sticking to it paid off.

What time did you get to bed?

Who got to bed? I was up with those records all night.

Honey, it was exciting.

Suddenly, I felt like a-- a sponge,

soaking it all in.

That Miss Petruccelli is quite a teacher.

[GIGGLES] Hey, ask me the time.

What time is it?

Le nove e dieci.

That's perfect.

Che bel profumo.

They do smell nice, don't they?

[ITALIAN ACCENT] Ask-a me somethin' else-a.

Why don't ya ask me how I feel.

Darrin.

Now, just a minute-a, Samantha.

Now, I gonna tell-a you the colors in a rainbow.

Why are you talking like that?

Why am I talkin' what-a way?

With-- With an Italian accent.

Are you crazy? Who's-a talkin' with-a Italian accent?

I tell you what I gonna do. Now, I gonna speak it to you, the furniture.

Tavola.

Tappeto.

Lampada.

How you like-a dem apples?

I-I-I can't get over it.

Non ti capisco.

I said I couldn't get over it.

Non ti capisco.

What do you mean, you don't understand me?

Parla Italiano.

Ah, I see.

You want some more practice, huh?

Well, uh... Mm.

Vuoi una banana con i cereali?

Perché no?

Cosa dice il giornale?

Dice-- What do you mean, "What it says"?

Parla Italiano.

Darrin... wipe that glazed look off your eyes.

You're scaring me.

Eh?

Darrin, quit fooling around!

Non ti capisco.

Hey-- [GASPS]

You don't understand. You really don't.

Oh! Mother did it.

Mamma ha fatto, questo.

Ohhh! Mother! Mother!

Endora, vieni qui!

O ti strangolo!

Oh, uh, take it easy, sweetheart.

I'll-- I'll fix everything.

Oh, uh...

Speak Italian

But spoil the spell

And speak your Mother tongue as well

Come?

Oh! Mother!

Endora!

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]

[CONTINUES SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

Oh! Mamma mia!

Gatto. Cat.

Cat. Gatto.

Ca-- Oh, Darrin.

I'm sorry, but it's the only way,

until I can find Mother.

The old-fashioned way, like in school.

Eh?

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

"I am happy to make your acquaintance."

Oh. Aww.

I am happy to make your acquaintance.

Ripete.

I am...

I emm...

happy...

to make...

to mek...

...your acquaintance.

...your acquaintenence.

Uh. Now-- now say it, uh, dillo presto.

[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]

Oh. Darrin!

Non posso! Non capisci? Non Posso!

Endora! Miserabile suocera!

Ritorna!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Aspetta.

Aspetta?

Oh! È Larry Tate.

Mamma mia!

Vai in cucina.

Cucina. Cucina.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi, Sam. I thought I'd unclog the freeway

and have Darrin drive into work with me.

Well, you certainly picked a fine morning to be thoughtful.

Well?

Aren't you gonna ask me in?

What for?

I mean, do come in, Larry.

But, Darrin's not here.

His car's out front.

Um, I mean he's upstairs.

Well, that's here.

Not really.

He's in bed.

Too much studying, huh?

Oh, you wouldn't believe it.

Well, as long as he can fake a few "Arrivederci Romas",

I'll be satisfied. Oh, he can fake that all right.

Well, I won't keep him long.

Uh, Larry, I wish you wouldn't.

[GLASS SMASHES]

[YELLING IN ITALIAN]

[CHUCKLES]

[MUMBLING IN ITALIAN]

Son of a gun!

Marvelous! You sounded just like a native.

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

Grazie.

[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]

He says, "Won't you have a seat?"

[LAUGHS]

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. You're great!

Just great!

Oh, uh.

[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]

Grazie, signore.

I'm impressed. I'm really impressed.

[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]

Now come on. Cut out the United Nations routine.

Darrin, Romani's coming to the office at 3:00 this afternoon--

SAM: Larry, I'm-- I'm afraid you're wasting your breath.

Darrin can't understand a word you're saying.

I beg your pardon?

Well, it's quite normal.

It's quite normal that he doesn't understand a word I'm saying?

Yes. Isn't that marvelous?

Now-- Now I don't understand a word you're saying.

Oh, um, well, let me see if I can explain it to you.

It's a... technique.

It's called total immersion.

Darrin is drowning in the Italian language.

He is, huh?

Well, tell him to come up for air.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, I-I'm afraid it's a little late, Larry.

He can't think or speak in anything but Italian.

Y-you're not serious.

Boy, am I serious.

I know it's a put-on, but I'll go along with it.

Darrin, I want your recommendation

on who to assign as copywriter and art director.

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

Bene. Recommendo...

Bill Baxter e Sam Kaplan.

He says "Bill Baxter"-- Oh, I got the gist of it.

Thank you. Uh, grazie.

'Appy to make-a you acquainenence.

All right, Darrin, you've had your little joke.

Now, come on. Let's go to work.

Larry, I'm afraid that might be a little dangerous for him.

You see, he has to, uh, decompress from--

From the immersion.

Yes. All right, Sam.

You make sure he's at the office at 3:00.

Three o'clock.

Ciao. Ciao.

LARRY: Three o'clock.

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

Endora! Endora!

Mother! Mother!

Ritorna! Mamma!

Oh, dear.

Sweetheart, you go on to the office,

I'll find Mother. Come?

[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]

Welcome to the agency, Mr. Romani.

[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN] ...Signor Tate.

I hope the relationship will be long and fruitful.

[KNOCKING] Come in.

Ah, this is my associate, Darrin Stephens.

Mr. Romani.

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

He wants to know what part of Italy he comes from.

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

He says he wasn't born in Italy.

He was born in the United States.

I know that.

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

He does not believe him.

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

Now, enough's enough.

Now, stop showing off, Darrin.

Speak to him in English.

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

Ha. He says that to honor Mr. Romani,

he wishes to speak Italian only.

Forget Italiano.

Speak-a to me in the English.

Non capisco.

What do you mean you don't understand?

I heard you speak English yesterday.

Non capisco. Non capisco?

Si! Si. Grazie.

I know you can hear me, Mother,

wherever you are, so you hear me good!

Now, I'm gonna count to three.

Not five, not four, but three!

And if you're not here on the count of three,

no matter where you are, no matter what you're doing,

I am gonna forbid you to set foot in this house again.

One, two, three.

You said, wherever I am.

Now just don't stand there,

here, do a little work on your Mama's back.

Mother, do you realize what you've done to Darrin?

Well, I've just given him a little private tutoring.

You have deprived Darrin of the use of the English language.

Oh, I have?

Well, so I've given him an overdose.

Your overdose can cost him his job!

Please don't shout, Samantha,

or I will have to ask you to leave my bathroom.

And I will have to ask you to leave this house forever,

unless you unspell Darrin.

Subito!

Nag, nag, nag, nag, nag.

Cancel the spell.

That's an incantation?

What do you expect at this hour, darling?

Poetry?

Now, it isn't that I don't trust you, Mother,

but you're coming with me. Get dressed.

LARRY: Mr. Romani, Stephens, like everyone else in McMann & Tate,

is dedicated to doing things to their fullest fruition.

No halfway measures at McMann & Tate.

Stephens is to be prided on his devotion to, uh,

all Italian or no Italian.

Don't you agree?

You going to speak-a to me in the Henglish,

or I'm goin' to walk right out of here.

Okay, you want-a me to speak-a to you in English,

I'm-a gonna speak-a to you English.

LARRY: Are you out of your mind?

How dare you!

I'm-a doin' the best I can.

Mother, do something.

I'm-a do the best I can.

It has to take time, Samantha.

You a lie, Mr. Stephens.

No Americano speaks Italiano like-a that.

I swear to you Senor, I am-a one hundred percent Yankee.

You're gonna be one hundred percent unemployed Yankee,

if you don't apologize to Mr. Romani this minute!

I...

am... very...

sorry if I've done anything to offend you, uh, Mr. Romani.

But I'm sure I can explain.

You speak-a perfect-a English.

You was-a mocking me.

You were deliberately mocking him!

DARRIN: Deliberately.

And do you know why?

Do you know why?

No, but it better be good.

I'll tell you why.

Because.

Go on.

I was trying to impress on Mr. Romani...

the danger of the Romani image becoming, uh,

provincial... and laughable.

I hope there's more.

I despise those people who find dialect humor amusing.

My boss is a very sensitive man.

He didn't know what I was doing.

I'll take an oath on that.

DARRIN: Did you notice how incensed he was

at my accent, because he thought I was mocking you.

He was right. I was mocking you deliberately.

And do you know why? No, why?

If you multiply Mr. Tate by 100,000,000 consumers,

I think you'll get what I'm driving at.

And I believe I can say without fear of contradiction,

that if you decide to give us the campaign,

our account will be 100 percent American sell.

The food may be Italian, the accent... American.

I understand what you say-a.

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

What did he say?

"What's he say?"

[LAUGHING] "What did he say?"

[LAUGHING]

But I don't care.

I like to do business with you.

You won't regret it, Mr. Romani.

Now, let me introduce you and Mr. Arcarius to the rest of the staff.

[ALL LAUGHING] 'Appy to make-a your acquaintenence.

Likewise, I'm sure.

[LAUGHING]

That's the greatest salesmanship I've ever seen.

You're a genius.

You're not going to understand this, Larry.

But I have to be.

[SIGHS]

I don't expect any thanks,

but at least a tiny pat on the head.

How about a kick in the-- Darrin!

She's my mother! Oh, stop pouting, Dino.

All's well that ends well, as what's-his-name says.

Ahh, I'm famished.

Why don't you take my daughter and me to a nice Italian dinner.

It's only 4:30 in the afternoon.

Oh, I'm still on European time.

Then why don't you go to dinner in Europe?

That's a splendid idea.

Let's go.

DARRIN: Saaam!

[♪♪]

And on Mother's last trip to Italy--

Quite recently.

Yes. She brought back two paintings,

three evening dresses,

and 400 pounds of Romani product.

Brava! [ALL LAUGHING]

You know I must-a congratulate-a Samantha.

You have a most-a brilliant husband.

His-a campaign makes Chef Romani

as an American as, uh, apple pie.

Well, we like him.

Ah, but he is a naughty boy.

[LAUGHING]

Come on, naughty boy.

Uh, uh, speak-a to me a few words in Italiano.

I feel-a like-a getting, uh, home-a-sick.

He speak so delicious.

Oblige him, Mr. Stephens.

Do it for me.

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[WEEPING] Listen how he speaks.

So beautiful. So beautiful.

Why he deny-as he's-a Italiano?

You tell-a me, Samantha,

what-a province he comes-a from?

Ah-ha-ha.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Would somebody tell-a me, please?

Somebody tell me.

[♪♪]