Original subtitles

Hello. Max Grand’s drugstore?

Oh, hi, Evelyn. This is Mrs. Stephens.

I was wondering...

Bless you.

Could you deliver a hot water bottle?

Oh, I see.

Well, just tell your delivery boy to go home and go to bed,

keep warm, drink plenty of liquids and get a lot of rest.

Yes. Uh, bye.

Oh, dear.

Darling, forgive me for being so late.

Late for what? Have you forgotten? We had a date to go shopping.

Well, I’m sorry, mother, but I can’t leave. Darrin’s not well.

(SIGHS) what’s new about that?

His head is so stuffed up he can hardly breathe.

Well, it can only be an improvement, Samantha.

Oh, mother. Now, I’m going to go out and get him a hot water bottle.

Would you stay till I get back?

Well... Oh, please?

Oh, all right. Thank you.

Darling, I’m gonna go out and get you a hot water bottle. DARRIN: Okay.

Dr. Altman’s gonna send over one of his associates. DARRIN: Good.

And mother’s here.

Did you hear me? DARRIN: I heard ya.

Uh, well, I’ll only be gone a minute. Mother’s gonna take care of Tabatha.

And then can we go shopping? Oh, mother, that’s impossible...

Unless Darrin gets well in a hurry.

Ah. Guess who’s going to get better in a hurry.

For your information, I was about to enter my bath.

Oh, I’m so sorry, Dr. Bombay,

But this is something of an emergency.

You know perfectly well my practice is limited to our own people.

But I thought just this teensy-weensy once you’d make an exception.

Hmm? For me? Pretty please?

Endora, some women can get away with being coy.

You are not among their number.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll get back to my bath.

But if he doesn’t get any better, Samantha will be tied to this house all week.

Unfortunate. And she won’t be able to go to Paris with me.

Regrettable.

I’ll just have to get Dr. Agrafor to replace you as our family doctor.

Where’s the patient? Right this way.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

I wanna thank you for coming over to see me, doctor.

Especially since I’m not one of your regular patients.

No, I’d say you’re a most irregular patient.

Pardon?

Lean forward.

What’s the matter?

Well, I’m only human. Sorry, I forgot about that.

Well, I think I’ve located your difficulty. What is it?

You have a cold. I have a cold.

That’s what I just said. That’s where I heard it.

These pills will do the trick. Antibiotics?

Antibiotics only bore a cold to death.

Take one of those pills and your cold will be cured instantly.

That’s amazing. Who puts these out?

I do.

Well, uh, are they safe?

I can assure you they have been untouched by human hands.

Yeah, but how come nobody ever... (SUPPRESSING A SNEEZE)

If there’s going to be another monsoon, I’d better leave.

Wait, wait, wait. Just a minute, doctor.

(INHALES)

It’s gone! My cold’s gone!

I never make idle promises.

But this is amazing!

Doctor, have you ever thought of putting these out commercially?

What for? You could make an awful lot of money.

What would I do with money?

The same thing everybody else does. Buy things...

Planes, boats, cars, houses, you name it.

I can assure you, I have no need for any of those things.

May I tell you something, doctor?

It’s amazing in this day and age to find someone who doesn’t care about money.

You’re quite unique. For your information,

you are concurring with a vast body of opinion.

(DOORBELL RINGS) Can you get that, Endora?

ENDORA: No. I’m busy with the baby.

I’ll be right back.

(SIGHS)

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Larry, what a surprise! What are you doing out of bed?

Sam said you couldn’t lift your head off the pillow.

You’re supposed to be suffering. I feel fine.

Oh, that’s marvelous, just marvelous!

Here I am, dragging myself to work with a temperature of 101 degrees,

And you’re at home feeling fine!

Less than a minute ago I was lying upstairs.

I was coughing, sneezing, my head was stuffed.

The doctor gave me these pills I took one, just one, mind you and the cold disappeared.

A little hard to believe, huh? No, it’s not a little hard to believe.

It’s impossible to believe! (SNEEZES)

You want the surprise of your life? Take one of these pills.

You’re gonna carry this charade out to the bitter end, eh?

I’m truly grateful to you, Dr. Bombay.

I wish there was some way I could repay you.

There is. In what way?

Allow me to get on with my bath.

(INHALING) Ah.

Incredible! Did I tell you?

You know what’s in this bottle? A million dollars!

A million? A billion! Where are you going?

Where do you think? To have a nice little talk with the doctor.

Forget it. He’s a dedicated scientist. He doesn’t care about money.

Doesn’t care about money?

Well. Well, if money doesn’t mean anything to him, something else does.

Everybody has an Achilles’ heel, a weak spot, my boy.

And as you know, I have a Ph.D. In weak heels.

Shh.

I just got Tabatha to sleep.

We’re just going upstairs to see the doctor.

Oh, he’s gone. BOTH: Gone!

We didn’t see him come downstairs.

Well, I... I mean he’s... He’s really gone.

You know, way out.

You’re not kidding. Come on, Lar. I’ll go up and send him down.

I just don’t want you to wake the baby.

Say, you know what I was thinking? Mmm.

If we tie up the doctor, Hornbeck will be in this afternoon...

Yeah! And can you imagine what a pill like this would mean

to a business like Hornbeck Pharmaceuticals?

Yeah. And for his partner.

He doesn’t have any partners. He will.

Oh, I’m so sorry.

I know a doctor isn’t supposed to have a life of his own, but this is ridiculous.

How was I to know you were still in your bath?

I take long baths.

Dr. Agrafor takes short showers.

Dr. Bombay, believe me, I know your type.

Selfless, dedicated, devoted to your work.

And I ask you, is it fair for you to deny your remedy to the rest of humanity?

It so happens that humanity, as you call it, is not my concern.

Anyway, I don’t know what you’re talking about.

I prescribe it whenever it’s necessary.

Doctor, I make you this offer. Put yourself in my hands,

and you will go down with the great of medicine.

Lister, Pasteur, Madame Curie...

Sir! I’ll thank you not to classify me among the amateurs!

Uh, doctor.

Let me show you the big picture.

How many people in the world? Three billion, four?

Let’s say they live in a billion homes. Now, think of this, doctor.

In a billion bathrooms around the world, there is a bottle in the medicine chest

And emblazoned across the label is the name...

"Doctor Bombay."

And below the name, your picture.

In color.

Yes. Yes, that, uh, might be rather nice.

Bingo.

Now, what do you say we draw up a little agreement, Dr. Achilles?

I mean, Dr. Bombay.

Anything to get me back to my bath.

Honey, I’m home. Did the doctor come?

He sure did. In fact, you just missed him.

What are you doing out of bed?

The most incredible thing happened. The doctor gave me some pills,

and cured my cold just like that!

But something more important happened. That’s right, Sam.

You won’t have to go shopping anymore. The shops will come to you!

What are you talking about? The pills! The pills the doctor gave me!

They cure the common cold! And we’ve got the rights to them!

Honey, we’re rich! Well, I...

(LAUGHING) Wait a minute.

I want to know. Was that the doctor that Dr. Altman sent?

Yeah. A great guy. A little eccentric, who cares? Come on, Darrin.

What was his name? Dr. Bombay.

Doc... Bye, honey.

(GASPS) Dr. Bombay!

Mother! Mother!

Oh, you’re back.

Oh, mother, how could you! Oh, you mean Dr. Bombay?

Oh, I wouldn’t worry, darling. He cured what’s-his-name’s cold

and now we can hop over to Paris.

Well, mother dear, for your information,

I had no intention of hopping anywhere with you.

I was simply humoring you! Now I have to find out what was in those pills.

You get that quack right back here.

I wouldn’t dream of disturbing him again.

Very well, I’ll go to him. Oh, I wouldn’t do that if I were you.

Well, you’re not! I’m going to.

(SCREAMING)

You see? Mama knows best.

Well, what mama knows worst is how to mind her own business.

Show him in, please. He’s here!

Boy, am I going to enjoy this. Me too. The old buzzard.

Good afternoon, Mr. Hornbeck. How are you? (SNEEZES)

Did I answer your question? Okay, let’s skip the amenities and get down to business.

Sir... Look, if you don’t come up with a campaign

that’s going to stop our sagging sales, you’re through.

Do you read me? Oh, yes, sir. Like a book.

A best-seller. Mr. Hornbeck, before we discuss the new campaign,

I’m not ready for one of your elaborate stalls.

If you don’t have anything, just say so, and I’ll get out of here.

We’ve got something to show you, all right. Now?

Now.

Sir? "Found, a cure for the common cold.

"Dr. Bombay’s cold bombs."

Well? How ’bout that?

I’ll tell you how ’bout that. I think you people have flipped.

You don’t know one account from another. That isn’t even one of my products!

That’s what we’re leading up to. It can be!

What are you babbling about? Sir, what would you say

if I told you that we ran into a doctor who found a cure for the common cold?

I’d say put him away with the guy who claims he can grow hair. (SNEEZES)

Mr. Hornbeck, you’re in for the biggest surprise of your life.

Here.

Incredible. Absolutely incredible.

I’m so sorry I misjudged you. What is this going to cost me?

It isn’t going to cost us anything, partner.

"Partner?" Naturally.

Naturally, but the name’s all wrong. It’s a little corny.

We’ll have to change that. DARRIN: Oh, we couldn’t do that.

Dr. Bombay is the man who found the cure.

And the name is part of our deal with him.

Dr. Bombay.

Has a bit of a ring, hasn’t it?

You again! Didn’t I tell you to knock?

I knew you wouldn’t be taking a bath in here.

Dr. Bombay, I’m worried about the pills you gave my husband.

Why? He got rid of his cold, didn’t he?

Yes, but have you ever given them to humans before? No.

Well, then how do you know they’re safe for a human to take?

Well, I’ll soon find out, won’t I? (LAUGHS)

That’s not fair. They might have some terrible side effect.

My dear girl, how is a scientist to learn unless he experiments?

You also gave them permission to market them. You shouldn’t have done that.

Samantha, can’t you see I’m busy?

What’s that? Chicken soup.

Care for a bowl?

Not bad, not bad. 34 1/2.

Here’s a beautiful 55-room home.

Has its own lake. I can put you in it for, oh, 330,000.

How about a topcoat? (INTERCOM BUZZES)

There’s a steal on an 80-foot cruiser. Sleeps ten, twin diesels.

Yes, put him on. How much?

Uh, 92,000. It’s a hardship case.

Mmm. Larry, don’t you think this is a little premature?

(CHUCKLES) Are you kidding?

You saw the way Hornbeck flipped.

He and his lawyer will be over here in half an hour.

Those agreements are as good as signed.

Can’t you get it through your head we’re filthy rich?

Show him a boat. Oh, hi, Fred.

Remember that little talk we had about you buying me out?

Well, I’m ready to talk.

Yeah, give me a call in a day or two and we’ll get together. Bye.

You’re going to sell out? What do I need an advertising business for?

(CHUCKLES) Hey, that looks like a castle.

It is. On the Rhine. Put that aside.

(INTERCOM BUZZES) Here we go. Hello.

I’ll tell him.

Sam’s in your office. Make it fast, will you? Before Hornbeck gets here.

Say, I like that one with the smokestack.

You mean... You mean he’s a witch doctor?

Well, we call him a warlock doctor.

And those pills aren’t, uh...

If that woman weren’t your mother, I’d...

And I may do it anyway!

I gotta stop Larry. Well, sweetheart, wait, there’s one more thing.

He’s gone hog wild. If I don’t stop him, he may ruin us! (VOICE CRACKS)

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) What happened?

That must be the side effect.

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Side effect?

Dr. Bombay’s pills. That’s what I was trying to warn you about.

How long is this going to last?

I don’t know.

I guess I’ll just have to pop back to Dr. Bombay’s office

and see if he has an antidote.

Well, you’d better hurry, because... (INTERCOM BUZZES)

Hello? Where’s Mr. Stephens?

He just stepped out.

Would you tell him that Mr. Hornbeck and his lawyer are on the way in?

Yes, sir.

Will you please hurry!

Oh, this is ridiculous. We’re building an empire,

and he’s visiting with his wife.

It’s not like him. It’s like her. What?

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Yes, sir? Hasn’t he come back yet?

No, I’m sorry, he hasn’t.

Well, it’s about time! I’m sorry, sweetheart.

Here, he guarantees one of these will lower your voice.

Thank you.

Well?

(NO VOICE)

Could you speak up just a little bit?

(NO VOICE)

Speak a little slower, sweetheart. I’m trying to read your lips.

Gonna kill who?

(NO VOICE)

I’ll be right back.

Too low, eh? He can’t talk at all.

Well, is that so terrible? I’ve met him, and he doesn’t seem to have much to say.

Dr. Bombay, how would you like to be reported to the witches’ medical association?

Now, now, now, let’s remain calm and not indulge in idle threats.

You know you’re not supposed to practice on humans.

Now get up off your hassock and give me something

that’ll bring my husband’s voice back, or else!

Really, Sam. There’s really only one way to do it, you know.

What’s that? Well, I’d have to, uh... no, no, no, no.

It’s simply out of the question for a doctor of my far-flung reputation.

Whatever it is, you had better do it and do it quick!

Or you have no idea how far-flung you will be!

Well, come on. Hornbeck’s blowing his top!

Okay, so you lost your voice. You can still listen, can’t you? Come on!

Well, I found him.

Sit down, and listen. Go ahead, Mr. Hornbeck.

We were discussing whether to go public or hold onto the stock ourselves.

And I say why share a gold mine?

We can always go into public issue later.

What do you think?

You can nod your head, can’t you?

Do you think we should go public?

You mean we should keep the stock among the three of us?

What’s the matter with him?

I think I know what it is.

This is the big one. The chance we’ve all dreamed of.

And I think he’s got a little stage fright, that’s all.

(VOICE CRACKS) that’s probably why you lost your voice.

What’s wrong with you?

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) My voice. Listen to me.

What happened? I don’t know! I don’t know!

"Pills."

Side effects?

I think we’ve talked long enough.

Let’s sign the agreements and get it over with.

I’ve got a better idea. Why don’t we just forget the whole thing?

You’re joking, of course.

I wish I was.

Mr. Hornbeck, those pills have a side effect.

Who do you think you’re kidding? Stephens disappears, then comes back,

hands you a note, now you’re trying to back out.

Don’t you think I know what’s going on? You wanna give it to another company!

(VOICE CRACKS) This is the bait and double-cross!

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Now you have it too, Mr. Hornbeck.

So have you! No, I didn’t take any pill.

This is the way I talk all the time.

(INTERCOM BUZZES)

Yes? WOMAN: Mr. Tate?

Mrs. Stephens is here again.

Hi, everybody. I thought it might be rather nice to drink

a toast to the new company.

Forget it, Sam. We’re out of business.

Oh! Oh, Mr. Hornbeck, this is Mrs. Stephens.

How do you do? You too, huh?

Mmm. No sense in letting this go to waste.

Sam, do you know where we could find Bombay?

On the road to Mandalay?

No, no, no! I mean the quack who conned us into this whole pill deal!

Those pills of his have side effects!

Oh. Is that why your voices all sound so funny?

It’s not so funny to me!

Here, sweetheart. Drink this.

Champagne’s been known to work wonders.

Thank you. Thank you.

(NORMAL VOICE) Sam, it’s very good. My voice! My voice came back.

It worked. Maybe it’ll help you fellas.

You’re right, this...

Hey! I’m back to normal, too.

Hope I can get mine back. It is back!

Didn’t do a thing for me.

When I think of how close we came to an international disaster!

Tate, this is another example of one of your feeble... (SNEEZES)

Bless you. I got my cold back again.

Mr. Hornbeck, how was I to know... (SNEEZES)

Bless you. (SNEEZES)

Well, this is no place for a lawyer who’s still got his health.

So I’ll see you all. Now wait, wait. I’ll drop you off in my cab.

Thanks, I’ll take my own cab. Mr. Hornbeck, I hope you’ll give me

an opportunity to make up for this goof!

Why? So you can top it with another goof? (SNEEZES)

So this is Dr. Bombay’s magic formula.

Yes, sweetheart. I had to drag it out of him.

And he made me promise never to tell anyone that he gave me a prescription to catch a cold

Well, I suppose anything’s better than... (SNEEZES)

Oh, darling, that’s marvelous.

You’re back to normal.

Well.

I know, Darrin. I was saying to Louise when I was telling her about Hornbeck

that the last three years have been nothing but one disappointment after another.

Some good things have happened too, Lar. Not in the last three years.

How many years you been with us, Darrin?

Three years.

Now wait a minute, Larry! Are you blaming me because Hornbeck pulled out?

And who introduced me to that kook Dr. Bombay?

And who badgered him into giving us the rights?

Darrin, one of your severest faults is that you can’t accept blame.

I can’t? How about... (INTERCOM BUZZES)

Yes? WOMAN: Mr. Hornbeck and his lawyer are here.

Lawyer! He’s gonna sue us.

Has he got any grounds? I don’t know.

Have them come in.

That’s all I need right now, is a lawsuit! As if I don’t have enough suits!

And boats! I’m sorry. I’m getting hysterical.

Mr. Hornbeck, before you say anything, Stephens wants to make a statement.

Me? Yes. I want you to tell Mr. Hornbeck

that you are personally responsible for discovering Dr. Bombay and his pills.

Now just a minute! I knew you were the bright one!

Now, where can I find this Dr. Bombay? I wanna make a deal with him.

What about the side effect? Side effects, plural.

There’s another one? I’ll say.

What is it?

Prager, get out those agreements. Boys, get out your pens.

We’re back in business once again, gentlemen.

I just thought of a slogan. "Gone tomorrow. Hair today."

Don’t like it, huh? Forget it.

I’m going to build an empire that’s gonna be the greatest

you’ve ever seen. You with me?

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)