Original subtitles

All right, Tabatha. Lesson number one in oven cleaning.

Fascinating, huh?

I knew it. I knew it.

I knew that life with that mortal would finally get to you.

You’re taking gas.

With an electric stove? That would be the trick of the week.

My poor Samantha.

Where is your pride? Do you realize you’re doing all that grubby, menial work

right before the eyes of your child?

You bet. I figure she can’t learn too young.

Oh. Well, actually, darling, I came to invite you

to the elephant races at New Delhi.

DARRIN: Honey? Oh. Not on an empty stomach!

Good.

So long, hon. Have a nice day.

Haven’t you heard? Today is going to turn the tide.

I believe these layouts I’ve been working on

are going to knock the prospective client’s eyes out.

And I’m not going to be too tough on Larry,

but I think the bonus I get should cover the trip to Bermuda we might take.

Might take?

Well, if the prospective client becomes "unprospective"...

Oh, sweetheart, he’ll love it. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

What do you mean by that? Nothing. Just a little wifely encouragement.

Then keep it that way, huh? What...

Of course. I’ll see you tonight.

Bye, sweetheart. Bye-bye.

If you leave it to mere wifely encouragement,

the closest you’ll ever get to Bermuda will be an onion.

Oh, very funny. You should be in Paris or London.

Or going to the elephant races with me.

But since he can’t afford it,

I think he needs help.

Mother, dear, butt out.

Samantha, it is your heritage, you know.

You should live in the sparkle of a star.

In a flash of color.

Samantha, you’re a creature of the wind.

Mother, speaking of wind, why don’t you blow?

Samantha!

(WIND HOWLING)

(GROANING)

Oh! Oh, Mother!

Please! Speaking of ill winds!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

This one is a beauty. A real beauty.

You know, if Wilkerson likes this stuff as much as I think he will,

it could mean a lot more than one little lipstick account.

We might even lock up all the Madame Maruska cosmetic products.

Lipstick, face cream, hair spray, all that gook!

It’d be worth millions to us. Millions.

You know your eyes light up when you talk about money, Larry?

Of course. I’m a greedy person.

(INTERCOM BUZZES) Yes?

BETTY: Mr. Wilkerson is waiting in the conference room.

Be right there! Be right there!

Widdershins and darklings chuckle.

One man will shine, one man will sparkle.

Stephens will seem to you the best,

a better man than all the rest.

Uh, no offense, Darrin, but I think I’d better carry the ball.

Arch Wilkerson’s an old golf buddy of mine,

and I’m sure I’ll be able to handle him with just the right touch.

That’s fine with me, Larry. You’re the boss. Good boy.

Watch me have old Archie eating right out of my hand.

Hey, Arch, have I got a winner for you!

It’s sweeter than holding out a 60-foot approach shot.

Yes, I’m sure it is, Larry. You must be Stephens.

Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you. Great pleasure indeed.

Well, I’m delighted to meet you, sir. Well, let’s get on it, Arch.

Believe me, it’s a hole in one all the way!

Yes, of course, Larry. What do you think of it, Stephens?

Well, sir, we believe in the campaign we have planned for Madame Maruska’s new lipstick.

You give us the word, sir, we’ll get the ball rolling.

Good! Very good, Stephens. I like the way you put that.

STEPHENS: Thank you, sir. But I said that exact same thing to you, Arch.

Don’t you remember? Yesterday at the clubhouse.

Yes, of course, Larry. Now you’ve got my curiosity going. Let’s see those layouts.

You’ll flip, Arch. You know, when you and I discussed this last week,

I decided then... Yes, yes. I think I should tell you, Stephens,

that this lipstick is the key product for our whole new line.

And Madame Maruska herself is gonna be very much

interested in how you handle it.

Well, I’m sure if she’ll drop by the office, we’ll... What? (LAUGHING)

Drop by the office! Did you hear that, Arch?

Stephens doesn’t know what we know about Madame Maruska.

Never makes personal calls, a recluse in her ivory tower.

I remember you telling me out on the fairway...

Larry, why don’t you sit down?

We’re not out on the golf course now.

Please go on, Mr. Stephens.

Uh, well, I... Now, you’ve got the ball, kid. Tee off.

Well, sir, as we saw the problem, it was to introduce

a new product in a new area.

Now, I’m sure if you study these, sir, you’ll get the idea.

Ah! Yeah. Uh-huh!

And then Mr. Wilkerson insisted that I be put in charge of

Madame Maruska’s account.

(GASPS) Which means, dear girl, if you care to plan ahead,

you may start packing for Bermuda immediately.

Oh, Darrin!

Oh, that’s wonderful! I’m so proud of you.

I can’t wait to tell Mother.

Why? Why?

Why? So she can hear the good news.

Sam, the last thing in the world that your mother wants to hear is good news about me.

Why are you so anxious to tell her? What has your mother got to do with this?

Nothing. Besides, at a time like this, we’re certainly not going to let

anything that Mother might say or do bother us, are we?

What do you mean, "might do or say"? Did she do something?

What did she do? It has to be something underhanded, right?

Right. Darrin, you keep asking and answering your own questions.

I save a lot of time that way. She did do something, but what?

You want to answer that one? No.

No. It figures it had something to do with work.

This morning. Wilkerson.

Was that the result of some of her hocus-pocus?

Bingo!

Well, Darrin, I don’t really know. All Mother said was... Sure!

Sure. That’s why he took such a shine to me and practically ignored his old pal Larry!

She put a spell on him! Darrin, give yourself credit.

Wilkerson liked you because he liked your ideas.

Mother didn’t have anything to do with that.

And I thought that Larry was just overdoing his old golf buddy bit.

But that Endora’s doing! Sweetheart, you’re jumping to conclusions.

Maybe I am, and maybe I’m not.

But as long as there’s a possibility of that possibility,

it ruins the whole deal for me.

Really, Samantha!

You picked a lemon in the garden of love.

Mother, you did influence Darrin’s client!

Naturally. But I did it for you, darling. Oh, for...

If I hadn’t, Mr. Wilkerson wouldn’t have given him the time of day.

You should be celebrating. In my house we celebrate the things I earn!

And I didn’t earn anything!

Mother, you had no right to meddle.

Darrin can get ahead strictly on his own.

Fat chance.

I can handle this, Sam. Endora, you wasted your time.

You threw the Madame Maruska account right into my lap.

I’m throwing it right back out again. I’m taking myself off the account.

Do you think that once the wheels are in motion, they can be stopped?

You bet your sweet broom, I do!

Don’t be too sure about that.

Just don’t be too sure.

After all, Larry, you brought Wilkerson into the office!

He’s your friend, and I think it’s only fair

that you personally handle the Maruska cosmetics account.

Fair, schmair. Look at me, Darrin.

Is this the face of a sensitive man? But, Larry...

Wilkerson wants you. I want that Maruska account. So what’s the problem?

What about your pride? My what?

Wilkerson likes you better than he likes me, so I’ll cry all the way to the bank.

Mr. Stephens! She’s here!

She is? Who’s "she," Betty?

Madame Maruska! Unbelievable!

And she wants to see you personally, Mr. Stephens.

That’s great. That’s great. Show her in. Show her in!

Madame Maruska never leaves her salon, but she’s coming to see you.

She must have flipped over your ideas!

It’s fantastic. It certainly is unbelievable.

Gentlemen. This outfit is from my spring collection.

Tell me how you love it. I adore it!

I think it is quite mad. Quite mad.

Mah-roosh-kah! That is how you say my name.

Mah-roosh-kah. You try.

Mah-roosh-kah! Mah-roosh-kah!

Fair. But you will learn. We’ll practice.

As you know, I do not usually attend business discussions.

So dull. But my Mr. Wilkerson, he was so impressed.

Tell me. Which one is Steffins?

Uh, he is, Maruska.

Mah-roosh-kah!

Uh, Darrin Steffins. Stephens.

Stephens, uh, my assistant.

And I’m Larry Tate. We’re glad you came over.

We can’t wait to get moving... Ah!

That is why I have come to you.

If this dear man is to work for my firm,

Then he must have a very responsible position in your firm.

A partner, I should think.

Yes! A partner.

You want Mr. Tate to make me a partner?

You want me to make him a partner?

It is my policy never to do business with a man whose name

is not part of the name of the company.

Are you suggesting... Precisely. McMann, Tate and Steffins.

Stephens. But Madame Maruska...

Mah-roosh-kah! Madame Mah-roosh-kah, I hardly think...

I never entrust a new campaign to an employee.

No, no, no, no.

I want someone with the authority to make decisions.

I insist upon that, Mr. Tate.

Then it is settled, no?

No! Steffins!

I’m sure we can work something out.

Just a minute! If I’m to be made a partner, that should be Mr. Tate’s decision.

He shouldn’t be forced into it. I’d resign before I’d allow that to happen.

Ah, now, I understand you!

If you had had the drive,

it would have been McMann, Tate and Steffins a long time ago!

I know your type. You are afraid of success.

Afraid of success? You know my type? That’s right, Steffins!

Stephens! Derwin... Darrin Stephens!

And I’ll thank you to use my correct name!

Darrin is getting no apologies from me.

Oh, Mother, please stay until Darrin gets home,

And then sort of bury the hatchet.

I’d love to. Where?

How dare you! You heard me, you phony!

Get out.

Darrin, have you flipped your wig?

Larry, I know what I’m doing!

This is not Madame Maruska! She’s a fake! Now, get out!

Oh! Are you Madame Maruska?

(YELLING)

The account, Darrin! You just blew a million-dollar account.

Larry, we haven’t lost a thing. You must be kidding!

She was a complete fake. Darrin, are you sure? How do you know?

I can’t tell you how I know, but believe me, I know.

But how? Uh, just a minute.

She was a spy.

You know how unscrupulous agencies try to steal accounts?

That’s what was happening here.

A spy? Yeah. Well, I’m gonna take the rest of the afternoon off.

I have something very important to take care of at home.

Sure, sure. She was a spy.

She was?

Sure, she was.

Was she?

Samantha? Samantha!

What’s wrong, sweetheart? Wouldn’t Larry let you off the account?

I didn’t get a chance to argue the point with him.

Something a little more important came up! Like what?

Like...

Her nibs! Are you referring to me?

I’m not referring to Maruska!

Samantha...

Can you translate that gibberish, or am I to be left in the dark?

Now, don’t try to brazen it out. She came to my office today

and tried to pass herself off as Madame Maruska!

Well, I saw through her little disguise and tossed her out on her ear.

How’d you like them apples, Endora?

You’re sick.

Uh, sweetheart.

Mother wasn’t in your office. She was with me all morning.

Sure, she was! Come on, Sam, don’t alibi for her.

That’s no alibi.

She was here all the time.

SAMANTHA: Mmm-hmm. When, all the time?

This morning, all the time.

Your mother was really here with you?

Yes, Darrin. She really was.

You’ve never lied to me, have you, Sam?

No, sweetheart.

Not even this one time?

Darrin, Mother was here with me all morning.

I could forgive a little lie this one time.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hello. Oh, hi, Larry.

But... (STUTTERS)

Mmm-hmm.

Madame Maruska. I threw Madame Maruska out of my office,

along with a million-dollar account.

So why shouldn’t I be fired?

Oh, Darrin. I certainly can’t allow you to lose that precious little job.

And I’m not gonna sit by and watch you take the bread out of

my granddaughter’s tiny little mouth.

Now, one simple incantation... No!

Well, it is my fault, in a way.

No! No witchcraft, nothing. I’ll handle this my way.

If I fall on my head, well, I fall on my head. But you stay out of my life!

Darrin, can’t I do something?

No! No!

(DOOR SLAMS)

But I’m sure she’ll see me. I know I don’t have an appointment,

but I’ve got to see Madame Maruska. It’s a matter of life or death. Mine!

Well, maybe I can catch her between calls.

All right, you can wait. But no promises.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Maruska think that there is no more to say!

Madame Maruska, please let me explain.

Forget it, Stephens. She’s not having any. Larry.

Mr. Steffins, I am so glad that you are here also.

Now, I can be rid of both of you at the same instant!

Well, you have every right to be angry. I can’t explain my actions,

but I am sorry, and I humbly apologize.

I do not accept your apology!

Well, then don’t! But you’re supposed to be a businesswoman.

At least look at the layouts on Larry’s portfolio.

If you don’t like them, I’ll leave without being told.

But, uh, don’t dismiss my company just because I made a little mistake.

Very well, Mr. Steffins.

I won’t have it said that Madame Maruska made a business decision

based on personal reactions.

Hmm.

Hmm! "Don’t play fair.

"Use Madame Maruska’s Lipstick."

Isn’t that something? I hate it!

Goodbye, peasants!

Nothing personal, Darrin, but I think I’ll have you shot.

Oh, Larry, please! Let’s talk! Uh...

Let me buy you a drink. All right, Stephens. One drink.

But don’t talk to me. I’m liable to lose control.

(DOOR SHUTS)

It was all sewed up.

You had to get that crazy idea Madame Maruska was a fake.

The whole sweet deal...

Larry, for the last two hours you’ve been going on and on and on.

Why did you do it, Darrin? Why did I do it?

The whole smear. Why?

I can’t tell you. You can tell me.

No, I can’t. You can tell me.

Okay. I thought my mother- in-law turned herself into Madame Maruska to foul me up.

So I threw her out. Can’t tell me, huh?

Right.

Look at that. Isn’t that a great layout?

"Don’t play fair. Use Madame Maruska Lipstick."

(SIGHS) Best thing I ever did.

Yeah. Great.

Bartender! Yes, sir?

May I? Hey, that’s my paper.

That’s my layout! Somebody stole it, line for line!

Let’s get back to the office and check the newspaper listings.

We’ll find out who did this. We’ll find out who’s guilty, and he’s gonna pay, boy, pay!

Gimme my paper. LARRY: We’ll fix that dirty crook!

Darrin, you’re that dirty crook!

I didn’t do it. I don’t remember signing these authorizations.

Well, I don’t remember typing them, Mr. Stephens, but there they are!

Authorizations for newspapers, posters, leaflets, billboards.

Billboards too? You authorized this agency to pay for all that promotion,

and we don’t even have the account?

Do you know how much this is going to cost us? Do you?

Stephens! Come back here! Stephens!

SAMANTHA: Darrin, please try to understand.

Witchcraft is what got you into this mess, and witchcraft can get you out.

Sam, it’s no use. I’m going to spend the night at the club.

You don’t belong to a club. I’ll join one.

Darrin, now listen. I placed your ads. Your ads! They were wonderful.

Madame Maruska was wrong and you were right.

Sam, I know you meant well. You always mean well!

I’m almost used to your mother’s meddling.

After all, she’s supposed to be a colossal pain. She’s a mother-in-law!

But when you start doing it, well, that’s just too much.

It is just too, too much.

Darrin. Goodbye, Sam.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

You son of a gun! You old son of a gun!

You’re wearing two coats. I know. You want to tell me

how much money I cost the company.

Well, don’t worry about it. I’ll see you get every penny back!

Wait a minute! Wait a minute.

Will you listen to him Sam? The guts of a riverboat gambler,

and he’s worried about a few measly thousand.

Larry, what happened?

What happened? You wheeler dealer.

Placed Madame Maruska’s ads in the paper even though we didn’t have a contract.

And it paid off.

It paid off? Mr. Innocent, huh?

Why, an hour after those ads hit the paper, every chain store in town

was on the phone to Madame Maruska, doubling their lipstick orders.

"Don’t play fair.

"Use Madame Maruska’s Lipstick." It’s sheer genius!

The ads worked. Worked? Why, I’m on my way over to her salon right now

with the contracts for a complete line.

And you did it, fella. You really did it.

Two coats, huh? Maybe I’ll try that.

The ads worked. She signed up the entire line.

Sweetheart, it was your ads that did it.

I just placed them. Any office boy could’ve done that.

Sam, it was still witchcraft. You did it.

I could’ve been that office boy if I’d had as much faith in my work as you did.

It doesn’t matter. Even if I should’ve done it, you did it, and you shouldn’t have done it

Even if I should’ve done it.

That doesn’t make any sense.

I know it doesn’t.

I just want you to forgive me, and I don’t know how to ask.

(CHUCKLES) You don’t have to ask.

That’s what I call success.

(YAWNS) I’m beat.

Good night, sweetheart. Good night, sweetheart.

Oh, darn.

It’s going to be chilly, and I left Tabatha’s comforter downstairs.

Oh, hold it. Don’t run up and down the stairs.

Oh, thank you, sweetheart. That’s very nice of you.

Well, I’m not going to do it.

You know...

Why, Darrin, I’m shocked.

You said... In this case I’ll make an exception.

At least until I can afford an upstairs maid.

Thank you.

All done.

Oops. My turn.

Darrin! How did you do that?

I pulled the plug.

Oh.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)