Original subtitles

Mmm. Marvelous breakfast.

Beautiful wife. I think it’s going to be a gorgeous day.

I think I’ll quit my job and enjoy it all.

(GRUNTS)

Think I’ll begin by going back to bed.

Oh, fine, fine. I’ll just have the postman slip our bills under your pillow.

I get the message. The slave’s off and running.

See you tonight, sweetheart. Yes, sweetheart.

ENDORA: Now, listen very carefully, dear, and watch Grandmama.

Oh, witches of the yesteryear,

Grant me this wish to disappear.

See how simple it is, dear?

It’s really very easy, darling. Now, why don’t you try it, huh?

Oh, no, she won’t!

When did you swoop in? We have doorbells, you know.

Oh?

And I warned you about teaching Tabatha that hocus-pocus.

Oh, don’t be such a bore. We were just playing a little game.

I saw that game. I’ve told you a thousand times,

witchcraft will not be practiced in this house!

What on earth is going on?

Just Darwin,

whispering at his usual level.

(SHOUTING) I’ve had it with her!

All right, sweetheart.

You’re gonna be late for work. I’ll settle everything.

Okay, okay!

But just keep that harpy away from my daughter!

And me!

I’ll see you tonight, sweetheart.

He’s really too much.

Mother, what was it this time?

Oh, nothing!

He was just being his usual self. Difficult.

Well, that’s utter nonsense.

You provoke him. He gets along beautifully with everybody but you.

Ha, ha, ha. Well, it’s true.

In business and everything else, people find Darrin extremely likable.

Come on, sweetheart. Time for your breakfast. Here we go.

Hmph. People find Dum-Dum extremely likable.

Oh, they do, do they? (CHUCKLES)

Well, let’s see how likable he can be. (ROBE BELLS TINKLING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Say, I like this type you’ve selected, Darrin. Bold, has authority.

Thanks, Larry. (INTERCOM BUZZES)

Yeah? It’s for you, Larry.

Mmm.

Hello? Oh, yes. Send him in here.

Frank Eastwood, an assistant from the mayor’s office.

Well, he can’t want a contribution. Campaign’s over.

Not for us, it isn’t. I didn’t have time to tell you, but they want McMann and Tate

to create a new image for the mayor.

Isn’t that a little out of our line, Larry?

Not at all. It’s a very large fee.

Besides, it will open a whole new field for us,

so turn on the charm, my boy.

Hello, Larry! Frank, my buddy! Nice to see you.

I don’t believe you know my associate, Darrin Stephens.

Glad to meet you, young fella.

The pleasure’s mine, sir.

Have a seat, Frank. Shall we discuss this over some coffee?

How do you take yours, Frank?

Cream and sugar, please.

And you take yours black, right, Darrin?

Right, black.

Oh, tiny wizard of the irascible spell,

at the teeny sound of your tinkling bell,

the new acquaintance, this mortal meets,

he will dislike,

and with loathing treat.

(TINKLES)

You don’t like cream?

Uh, no.

Why not? What have you got against cream?

DARRIN: I don’t have anything against cream.

Gentlemen. Gentlemen, let’s forget about the coffee, shall we?

And get on with the campaign. All right. All right.

This campaign for the mayor has to be handled with the utmost tact and diplomacy.

I understand, sir. How can you understand, Stephens?

I haven’t even mentioned the problem yet!

Why don’t you just be quiet until you know what’s going on?

Look, Frank. Let me assure you we’re here to listen,

And do the best campaign we can.

Oh, I know you are, Larry. You’re an old friend.

And I trust your judgment completely.

Good. Now just tell us what sort of image for the mayor you would like us to mold.

Well, Mayor Rockland is a fine administrator.

But he lacks color and appeal.

He’s sort of old-fashioned in his dress and speech.

LARRY: Stephens here is an expert at creating colorful phrases

that we can sprinkle liberally into the mayor’s speeches.

All right, Stephens. Let’s hear some of those colorful phrases of yours.

Well, I’ll have to give that some thought, sir.

Well now, that’s a cliche if I ever heard one. The mayor uses that line every day!

I wasn’t suggesting he use it!

Why not? What’s wrong with it? Got him elected, didn’t it?

Yes, it did. And I voted for him.

Stephens, I resent your toadying attitude.

I didn’t come here to seek political patronage.

I thought you might have some ideas about public relations.

Well, I’m sorry!

Uh, perhaps it might be better if, uh, you gentlemen discussed this campaign alone.

Oh, you’re walking out on us, huh?

Politics are beneath you, is that it?

You’re only interested in tawdry commercial accounts.

I don’t think Darrin meant... FRANK: Don’t apologize for him, Larry.

But in view of his personality,

I don’t see how we can possibly put the mayor’s image

In the hands of this agency.

Frank! Frank, I... I’ll call you.

Why did you do that?

Do what? Why did you rub him the wrong way?

I didn’t, Larry! You heard him.

He was the one who got outta line.

The client never gets out of line.

For some reason or other, he just took an instant dislike to me.

Loathed you, is the way I’d put it.

We can’t have that, not in our business.

(SIGHS)

Mr. Stephens?

Mr. Stephens, there’s someone here to see you.

Hmm?

That model Mr. Tate wanted you to interview for the Baldwin Blanket account. She’s here.

Who?

Is something wrong, Mr. Stephens?

Wrong? Uh, what, uh... What’s wrong about me?

Oh, nothing, sir. Nothing’s wrong with you as far as I’m concerned.

Would you please send in the model? Yes, sir.

Miss Adams?

Thank you. Mm-hmm.

Hello, Mr. Stephens. I’m Gloria Adams.

The Summit Model Agency sent me.

It’s nice to meet you, Miss Adams.

Since it’s for Baldwin Blankets, I thought this costume might be appropriate.

(STAMMERING) Th... The nightgown’s a very good idea,

but I don’t think it’s necessary.

(TINKLING)

You mean you want to see more of me?

Oh, no! No! I... I... I just mean you come highly recommended,

and I’m sure you’ve had a great deal of experience.

And what do you mean by that crack?

Uh, nothing at all! I mean you’ve had a great deal of experience modeling.

Yes. That’s very lovely. I’m sure you’ll do nicely.

Do what?

Nothing!

Here. Let me help you.

Don’t you dare touch me!

Come on, Miss Adams! I’m a happily married man!

Oh, that is what they all say. Beast.

I...

Wow.

All right, all right. I believe you.

So you didn’t get out of line with her. But the Summit Model Agency did report to me

that she was highly incensed.

Incensed! She’s a kook!

(INTERCOM BUZZES)

Yes? Oh. Send him right in.

I can’t understand it! She acted like I was some kind of bluebeard!

Forget it. We can always find another model,

but not another account as lucrative as Baldwin Blankets.

Now, for heaven’s sake make a good impression on Baldwin, please!

Ah, Horace. Larry.

I wanted you to see this immediately.

It’s just off the loom.

The new super electronic Baldwin special.

Horace, it’s a beauty.

Say, you haven’t met Darrin Stephens, our top man.

He’s got some great promotion ideas.

Happy to make your acquaintance, Darrin.

Well, I’ve been looking forward to meeting you, sir.

Well, now let’s get down to business.

Darrin, where are those great slogans you brought me? Hmm?

I put them right on your desk, Larry. (TINKLING)

Get off that blanket, boy!

Oh! Excuse me, sir.

It’s the new super electronic Baldwin, not a doormat.

Here they are. They’re your ideas, Darrin.

I think you, uh, better read them, Larry.

What’s the matter? Haven’t you got any faith in them?

I certainly have, sir!

I think we can get a campaign going that will have your

Blankets selling like hotcakes!

I don’t like overconfidence.

What Stephens means is that he has confidence in the excellence of your product.

Well, why didn’t he say so? I did say so!

We’re going to stress the quality and the durability of the Baldwin blanket,

And also the beauty and the comfort.

Mmm. Sounds like you’re using the hard sell,

And my blankets are soft.

Oh. Well, uh,

we intend to use soft humor in the slogans.

Larry. Like this.

"For full protection, Baldwin blankets keep you covered."

It’s scary.

The word "protection" will make the customers think about burglars, not sleep.

Burglars. Well, how about this?

"Make your security blanket a Baldwin."

Make your jokes on your own time, Stephens.

Horace, perhaps we ought to give this campaign some more thought.

BALDWIN: I’m sorry, Larry,

he just hasn’t got the feel for my blankets.

And chemically, we don’t hit it off.

He’s some kind of a kook too!

Well, Larry, say something! That’s not rational behavior.

Speaking of behavior,

this is the third time this morning you’ve provoked hostility in the office.

Well, it’s not me!

No, it’s not! You’re not yourself.

Your personality’s taken a swan dive, and two accounts have gone down with it.

I just don’t understand it, Larry.

Neither do I. Why don’t you take the afternoon off and talk to someone who might?

Like who?

Like Bob Farnsworth.

The psychiatrist?

Now, just a minute, Larry! Bob’s okay as an occasional golf partner,

but I just don’t swing with this head-shrinking jazz!

Don’t be medieval, Darrin. You need psychiatric first-aid.

What I need, Max can handle!

Max?

He’s my favorite bartender.

Even the door hates me.

Another one, Mr. Stephens?

No, Max. Nothing’s going to help.

Nobody likes me.

Yeah? How come?

Down, down, down... (IMITATES CRASH) Personality crackup.

Hey, buddy boy, you know what? I went to Philadelphia yesterday.

Shut up, Harry. You sure nobody likes you?

They loathe me, the whole world.

Hey, pal. You know what?

Yeah, we know. Yesterday you went to Philadelphia.

And it was closed.

Okay, now beat it. Don’t bother Mr. Stephens.

It’s all right, Max. Let him stay. I need a friend.

Boy, you are in a bad way.

Washed up. My boss even tried to send me to a psychiatrist.

Aw, you don’t need a "psycho-diatrist," buddy boy.

Clam up, Harry. What do you know about it?

Last year I started going to a psychiatrist

about my drinking.

Are you still going?

No, I gave him up.

I couldn’t afford the booze and him too. (LAUGHS)

Beat it, Harry.

Who needs ya? You crumb.

You see, Max? Even him!

Oh, don’t pay any attention to that bum.

Everybody treats me like that.

Yeah? Well, there’s gotta be a reason.

Maybe your boss was right. Maybe you got one of them complexes.

Does it show that much? Well, I don’t know. I ain’t no skull doctor.

You think I need one too.

Well, it can’t hurt.

You’re right, pal.

(COIN CLINKS ON FLOOR)

(RINGING)

Hello? Oh, hi, Larry.

Darrin?

What would he be doing home at this hour? Isn’t he at the office?

Troubled? What do you mean, troubled?

Uh, now, don’t get upset, Samantha. It’s probably nothing serious.

It’s just that he’s developed some sort of personality problem.

Has anything gone wrong at home?

No, of course not. What do you mean, personality problem?

Well, all morning long people have been taking an instant dislike to him,

including one of our most important clients, Horace Baldwin.

I don’t understand.

I don’t understand it either, Sam.

But fortunately Baldwin called and he said he’s reconsidered his attitude toward Darrin.

He’s on his way over to give him another chance.

Well, Larry, we have to find him. Where do you think he could have gone?

Well, he was headed for a bar. A bar!

And grill. I called there, but he had left.

Say, maybe he took my advice and is with Bob Farnsworth.

The psychiatrist?

Yes, the psychiatrist. I don’t want to interrupt the session.

He certainly needs help. If you hear from him, Sam, would you tell him

to get back to the office as soon as he can?

Oh, yes, yes, I will, Larry.

Uh, bye.

Psychiatrist? Darrin?

But everyone likes Darrin.

Everyone except...

Mother! Mother, I want to talk to you.

I know your spiteful spells.

You’re antagonizing people against Darrin.

You materialize this instant.

(SIGHS) Mother, you’re putting the mother-in-law business

out of business.

Tell me, how long have you had this feeling that people dislike you?

Just since this morning.

I think your inner conflicts have been building up ever since your marriage.

It all starts in the home, you know.

Uh, I’m very happily married.

Only on the surface, Darrin. Deep down, you’re seething.

Bob, y... You’ve got it all wrong.

Perhaps. But you’re certainly overreacting to my suggestion.

I am not! I am not. I love my wife.

All right. But let’s keep an open mind, shall we?

Then if we happen to find any little hidden resentments towards your wife’s behavior,

we can bring them out into the open.

I don’t resent her. The whole suggestion is ridiculous.

I don’t think so. It’s a typical American male attitude to be fearful

of revealing a wife’s domination.

Samantha does not dominate me.

I didn’t say she did.

But you applied my general observation to yourself.

That’s because you’re getting me all mixed up.

Now, that’s a healthy sign. I think if we dig a little deeper into your ego,

your marriage, we can cure your problem.

What’s wrong?

Nothing. Nothing’s wrong. Not with you.

You seem to be a very fine person.

Calm, well-adjusted, one of the nicest men I’ve ever met.

I’m the hostile personality around here.

I’m the one who should be seeing a psychiatrist.

Where are you going? To see my psychiatrist.

And if you think I’m expensive, you should have to go to him!

Sam, what are you doing here?

Don’t worry, I got Aunt Hagatha to sit with Tabatha.

How did you know I was here?

Never mind that now. Larry needs you back at the office.

Honey, I can’t go back there. I’ll just cause more trouble.

Oh, Darrin.

It isn’t you. It’s Mother.

Yes, you see, she put some kind of spell on people so they dislike you.

I should have known this was Endora’s sandbag!

I’m afraid so.

But you’d better get back to the office. Mr. Baldwin’s coming to see you again.

What good will that do? Baldwin will still have Endora’s whammy on him.

I’ll try and find her and get her to take it off.

But meanwhile, you be very, very, very nice to him.

Be sweet as pie. Now, hurry up.

Well, Darrin will be pleased that your attitude toward him has changed.

(DOOR OPENS) Well, here he is now.

Mr. Baldwin! I can’t tell you how marvelous it is

to have the pleasure of your company again, sir!

Well, thanks. It’s so very, very, very nice of you to come back.

Yes, sirree, sir!

Certainly pleased, all right, isn’t he?

Well, Stephens, I felt that I was a little hasty and abrupt in my judgment

of you and your ideas this morning.

Oh, not at all, sir. It was entirely my fault. You were right, sir.

I should have paid more attention to your ideas.

Excuse me, is that lint on your suit, sir?

Oh, that’s a beautiful suit, sir. May I compliment you on your taste?

I guess so.

Well, as I was about to say...

(EXHALES) what was I gonna say?

That you liked Stephens’ ideas for Baldwin Blankets.

Yes. Yes!

I particularly like the slogan that goes,

"For full protection, Baldwin Blankets keep you covered."

Are you absolutely certain you like it, Mr. Baldwin?

I’ll do anything to make it better. I’m sure that I can improve it.

No, I like it just the way it is.

Are you positive, sir? After all, here at McMann...

Yes, Darrin. He’s positive.

Oh, that’s wonderful, Mr. Baldwin!

Won’t you have a cigar, sir? They’re the very finest. I’m sure you’ll enjoy it.

No, thanks. Don’t smoke cigars.

That’s very wise of you, sir.

Can I do anything else for you?

I’d just like to get on with it.

Good idea, Horace.

You’re tired, Mr. Baldwin.

Why don’t you sit down here, sir? This chair is very comfortable.

I don’t wanna sit down! I want to get this meeting over with and go to lunch.

You’re hungry! I’ll run right downstairs and get you a sandwich!

Darrin!

Oh. What would you like, sir? Ham, corned beef? How about a club?

Club? Don’t tempt me.

I’d be only too happy to get it for you, sir.

Horace, since you seem to be

In agreement with the way we’re going to handle this campaign

why don’t we get together some

other time so you won’t be late for your luncheon appointment.

Larry, a great suggestion. The account’s yours.

Oh, thank you, Horace. Go ahead without me.

Mr. Baldwin, I’ll be looking forward to our next meeting.

At your convenience, of course, sir. I like your work, Stephens.

But I don’t think we’ll need any more meetings.

Well, we got the account back again, but you almost lost it.

I was only trying to be likable.

I liked you better when you were unlikable.

Samantha! Sam!

Hi, sweetheart. Is something the matter?

This time your mother’s gone too far.

What’d she do now?

She took the spell off, that’s what she did!

Well, since when is that something to complain about?

When she takes the spell off, and I don’t know the spell is off,

and I proceed to make a fool out of myself in front of Larry and Mr. Baldwin,

that’s when it’s something to complain about!

I tried to call you, but your secretary said you were busy and couldn’t be disturbed.

I was busy, getting myself nominated as the boob of the year!

But only after I’d won the vote as the most disliked boob of the year.

It’s a cinch I don’t have to worry about my popularity.

Well, I should hope not.

Huh?

Well, not with everything else you have to worry about.

What "everything else"?

Well, like your charm, your good looks,

your wonderful personality, your funny crooked smile,

your great sense of humor, your warmth and sincerity.

Gee, I didn’t know my smile was crooked.

Darrin. What?

I’m telling you I love you.

And I love you.

Crooked, how?