Original subtitles

(SAM) Well, I’m meeting Darrin for lunch about 1:00,

so if you got here about noon, it’d be perfect.

Okay? Bye-bye.

Who was that, honey? The sitter? Mmm-hmm.

Who’d you get? My mother.

Since when do you talk to your mother on the phone? I wasn’t on the phone.

Oh. Honey, about lunch.

I’ve been wondering, is it wise to go to la Bella Donna?

The service is awfully slow. Oh, sweetheart.

The whole point is that’s where we had lunch on our first date,

if the service had been any faster, we might never have gotten married.

That’s true.

Unless, of course, you haven’t got the time.

Well, I do have a very heavy afternoon.

But I’ve only got one appointment this morning: the Warbell Dress account.

Warbell? I thought you said he was one of your toughest clients.

He is, but I’m meeting with his daughter, Terry.

She’s been made advertising manager of the firm.

Look, just call me if you have a problem.

It’s wonderful you remembered. Most men don’t even remember their wedding anniversary.

They would if they were married to you.

Mmm!

Because you... Are unforgettable.

What did I ever do to deserve you?

That’s what I’ve been asking ever since you married.

Endora, this day is so special that not even you are going to spoil it.

Good-bye, sweetheart. Good-bye, darling.

Good-bye, Endora, dear.

I may be violently ill.

Mother? Hmm.

You know very well you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

Tell that to the Dodger outfield. (LAUGHS)

(HORN HONKS)

Hi! Aren’t you Darrin Stephens?

Yes, I am. I don’t believe--

No, we haven’t met. But we’re supposed to in about 20 minutes.

I’m Terry Warbell. Oh, how do you do?

Isn’t this a coincidence? It certainly is.

I thought your folks lived in Larchmont.

They do, but since I’m going to be working with McMann and Tate,

I got an apartment not far from here.

Well, how about that? I better hurry. I’ll be late for our meeting.

I have an idea. Why don’t you ride down with me,

we can talk on the way.

Well, that’s very sweet of you, but I’ll be needing my car later on.

That’s an even better idea. I’ll go along with you.

But, uh...

You see, the sooner we get started,

the earlier we’ll finish. Okay.

There, that’s a human being for you.

One minute he’s so sweet you have to go on a sugar-free diet.

And then he goes out and picks up the first gorgeous face he sees.

Mother, he was just giving her a lift.

From what I can see, vice versa.

Any woman whose husband remembers the date

of their first meeting has nothing to worry about.

I’m glad you feel that way, darling.

I do. Good.

Do you really think she was that gorgeous?

Oh, comme ci, comme ca.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

And although I understand Warbell’s interest in a class magazine like Knickerbocker’s,

my study shows that, on a cost-per-thousand basis,

we could do much better in some of the mass-circulation magazines.

How do you feel? Just wonderful.

I, I mean about the mass-circulation magazines.

The what?

Miss Warbell--

Terry.

Uh, Terry. I, uh--

I think you have something on your mind.

I do. I was wondering where we were going for lunch.

Lunch. Oh, I’m sorry.

I’m afraid that’s impossible. I have a very important lunch date.

Oh, and you can’t break it? Even for me?

I just couldn’t.

Well, Darrin, how are you getting along with the loveliest

advertising manager ever to grace these offices?

Fine, fine. Everything okay?

I think he’s absolutely marvelous, even if he won’t take me to lunch.

Well, most of our clients feel that Darrin-- Won’t take you to lunch?

It’s just that I have a very important engagement I can’t break.

Darrin, you must be sick, or you wouldn’t even dream of turning

down this lovely young lady.

Even if she weren’t the daughter of one of our oldest and biggest accounts.

Sorry, it, it’s just one of those things.

See you a minute, old man?

Uh, certainly. Excuse me.

Be right back.

What do you mean, you can’t break your lunch date? Who’s it with?

Samantha. Your wife?

You’re putting me on.

Larry, it’s a very important lunch.

What’s so important about lunch with your wife?

Well, it’s the anniversary of our first meeting.

Big deal! Bring her a box of candy!

Larry, I promised.

So what? Now, take it from an older and wiser hand.

It won’t be the last promise you break.

You read me?

Larry-- Darrin, my boy, remember this.

At McMann and Tate, no sacrifice is too great.

You lucky son of a gun.

Now, get on the horn and tell Sam the lunch is off.

Larry, we’ve been through this before. There’s no sense threatening me.

Oh. Well, let’s put it this way.

You take miss Warbell to lunch, or you’re fired.

Now I read you.

How do I look?

Too good for him. Oh, mother.

Now, in just a little while, Darrin and I will be reliving

one of the most romantic moments of our lives.

Now, can’t you try to be a little happy for us?

All right.

But it’s very difficult to change the habit of a lifetime, dear.

(PHONE RINGS) Excuse me.

Hello. Oh, hi, sweetheart.

Uh, Samantha, something’s come up. I’m afraid I won’t be able to make lunch.

Oh, sweetheart. Business, huh?

What else?

Oh, I don’t know.

I thought maybe Miss Warbell had swept you off your feet.

Is that who you’re having lunch with?

Uh, that’s right. Exactly.

We haven’t finished our business, see.

I see. Is she as pretty as that girl I saw getting in the car

with you this morning?

They’re, uh, practically identical, if you know what I mean.

You mean that’s Miss Warbell?

That’s right.

How’d she know where you live?

I’ll explain that to you tonight... If I can.

Well, all right, sweetheart. Bye-bye.

Well, what’s the story?

Darrin’s taking a client to lunch.

You mean it’s that girl he drove off with this morning?

Oh, mother, it’s business, pure and simple. (SCOFFS)

Don’t talk to me about being pure. I saw that girl,

and I’d like to know what kind of business.

Really!

You’re my daughter, and if that mortal means so much to you--

And I can’t imagine why--

But if he does, you’ve got to do something.

Like what?

Well, if I were you, I’d pop in to that office,

and I’d find out what was going on.

Well, you’re not me.

Now, you handle things your way, and I’ll handle things mine.

That’s a good idea.

Oh, mother! That’s not what I meant!

We should be back about 2:00, Betty. Where would you like to have lunch?

Anywhere you say. You still have a reservation at la Bella Donna,

if you’d like to eat there.

Well, uh, the service there is awfully slow.

Sounds perfect. That’s where I’d like to go.

Well, Betty, then we’ll be back in an hour and a half, or two hours.

Yes, Mr. Stephens. Oh, Miss Warbell,

I’m dying to ask you a question.

What is it?

Do you think boots will be popular next year?

I’d say that all depends on how boots behaves herself this year.

Well, shall we go? I’m starved.

Yes.

Oh! I don’t want to leave without my notes.

I hate to rush you through lunch, but I have a lot of notes to go through

Oh, uh, excuse me a minute.

Oh, there you are, Miss Warbell.

I’m Miss Krovistrod. I write the fashion copy for Tate and McMann.

I’ve seen your picture a million times.

Now, I just want to get a little advance

on what you’re planning for next season.

Uh, are we through with those long skirts the girls have been wearing?

I do hope so. They’re so dreary, don’t you agree?

Why, yes. Yes, I do.

Then we can look forward to hemlines being raised next season.

Oh, definitely. I think if a girl has something,

she should show it.

Now, I would like your opinion about the new polyester fabrics.

Or don’t you care for her designs?

Oh, uh, I think Polly Esther is as good as the next designer.

Oh, I’m glad you feel that way. Thanks much!

This time I’m gonna keep these in my hand.

Abner! Aren’t ya ever gonna get up?

What for? I wanna talk to you.

Talk. Well, how can you listen

when you’re asleep?

Same way I listen when I’m awake.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Yes. Yes! I don’t know.

I, I beg your pardon?

I seem to... I don’t know.

I think I’m lost.

Oh, well, don’t let it bother you. People your age often forget.

But I’m only 24.

What! Abner! Wake up.

Wake up! Abner, there’s an old hag at the door, and she says she’s only 24!

I told you sooner or later your mother would flip.

Can you imagine a fashion expert not knowing anything

about miniskirts or boots or synthetic fabrics?

Well, she was probably being funny. Don’t you think?

No, phony. I tell you, that woman’s a fake.

Mother, that’s ridiculous.

I can’t understand you, Samantha.

Your husband is in the clutches of who knows what kind of impostor.

And you refuse to become alarmed.

That’s right. Because Darrin would never do anything to hurt me.

He’s good and kind.

Then how is it that he took that woman to your favorite restaurant?

You’re making that up.

I tell you, I heard him say he’d be at la Bella Donna.

Now, do you call that good and kind?

Yes. Good for nothing, and kind of a rat!

(RINGING)

Hello. Oh. Hello, Mrs. Kravitz.

I have a visitor here, and I have a feeling that she’s, uh,

your kind of people.

What do you mean by that?

Yes.

Yes?

Yes. Well, uh, hold on just a moment.

Mother! Yes, darling?

Are you expecting anyone? No. Why?

It’s Mrs. Kravitz. There’s a woman at her house,

apparently a very, very old woman, who claims she’s only 24-years-old.

Some women never give up hope.

What’s her name? What’s her name?

Do you know your name?

Of course. Terry Warbell.

Terry Warbell!

I knew it. I knew there was something wrong with that woman.

What is it, mother? What’s going on?

I’ll explain later.

Right now you’d better pop in next door, get that woman over here,

before Mrs. Loudmouth... Finds out anything more.

Hello, are you there, Mrs. Stephens?

No, I’m here.

(GASPS) I-- I--

How could you? I--

Abner! Abner! This you gotta see.

I was talking to her on the telephone, and she pops in here!

Who? Who else? Mrs. Stephens.

Look!

You’ll say anything to get me up, won’t you.

Now, just calm yourself and try to recall what happened.

It was this morning. I was driving along in my car.

I saw this old woman. She waved at me, and I stopped.

And then, I don’t know how it happened, but I was the old woman,

and she was driving off in my car!

The only thing I can remember is my age and my name.

Oh, there’s no doubt about it.

There’s no doubt about it. She’s the Crone of Cawdor.

The Crone of Cawdor? Yes.

That does sound familiar.

Well, it should. When you were a little girl, it was one of your favorite bedtime stories.

Of course! She was turned into a hag,

and had to live all alone on a mountain peak in Carpathia.

That’s right. And do you remember the rest of it?

Well, let’s see.

"When the earth turns once around the sun,

"Let the crone go forth till the day is done.

"Another’s form she’ll take and her form leave,

"From 6:00 in the morn... (GULPS)

"Till 6:00 in the eve.

"And in this guise, if she can secure a willing kiss

"from a mortal pure,

"to her will pass the mortal’s youth,

"to him will pass her age, forsooth."

Oh, no! Darrin!

Oh, yes! And if he kisses her, he’ll be 500 years older.

But no wiser.

(DIALING PHONE)

What’s the matter, darling?

I thought you trusted your husband implicitly.

Well, of course I trust him. But not with a 500-year-old crone.

Especially not with a 500-year-old crone

who’s gorgeous and wants to be kissed.

Hello, Larry?

Do you happen to know where Darrin is? I’m trying to find him.

Why, he, he’s with one of our clients, and I believe he said he was going to...

Their apartment to finish their meeting.

You mean he isn’t with Miss Warbell anymore?

Oh, he told you about her?

Larry, whose apartment has he gone to?

Sam, you have nothing to worry about. Darrin is as steady as a rock.

Miss Warbell just wants to show him some of her advertising budgets.

Will you please just give me her address?

(SIGHS) Sam, I know you won’t believe this.

But it’s the honest truth. He hung up before I could get it.

Hello? Sam, are you all right?

Oh, yes. Yes, Larry, I’m fine.

Oh, mother, what am I going to do?

If I don’t get to Darrin in time, he’ll be 500-years-old.

Well, you know they say there are certain advantages to being married to an older man.

Stop being frightful and think of something.

Oh, calm down, Samantha.

Right now we have to find out where this reptile in women’s clothes lives...

And hope to get there in time to keep Durwood "kissless."

(GROANS)

Wouldn’t you be more comfortable here?

Well, I think I can concentrate better standing up.

But I can concentrate better if you’re sitting down.

Okay.

Well-- Can’t we stop talking business for a moment?

Well, I would like to go over these details.

But we’ve been meeting all day,

and you haven’t told me a thing about yourself.

If we’re going to be working together, there are things I’d like to know.

Now, tell me about yourself.

Well, uh, uh, what would you like to know?

What do you do for fun?

Oh, uh, sports. Swimming, fishing, mountain climbing.

Mountain climbing!

That’s very good.

You have the most fascinating eyes.

Well, uh, I was born with a slight cast in the left eye.

Isn’t there something you’d like to do?

Yes! I’d like to finish going over these notes.

"And there is a possibility that the Warbell Dress Company

"may be interested in some tax loss purchases,

"and toward that end, I would appreciate...

"your giving us complete details on sale price of your holdings...

"As well as a--"

What-- What happened to Miss Kornblut?

It was time for her coffee break, Mr. Warbell.

And she couldn’t wait to finish a letter?

I tell ya, nothing’s the same since the union came in.

While we’re stopped, sir, could you please give me Terry’s address?

I seem to have misplaced it.

Uh, 35 Rollins place. Now, can we go on?

Yes, sir.

"As well as a certified copy of all of your company’s debts,

"Including those owed to the government for corporation taxes."

Ya got that?

Got what?

Why don’t you people drink coffee for a living and take work breaks?

Now, here’s our big gun.

Warbell is an odd name. You almost want to say "warbler."

Well, why not take advantage of it?

Now, what we had in mind was a new dress.

We could call it the Warbell Warbler.

When we introduce the dress, all the department stores will take out full page ads.

We’ll pick up half of the charges, of course--

A simple "I don’t care for the idea" would have been enough.

What sort of mortal man are you anyway?

Is business the only thing on your mind?

Doesn’t it matter to you that you’re alone with a beautiful woman?

With a warm, vibrant woman crying out for a little love?

Kiss me. Uh, uh, Terry--

It’s nothing against you personally.

It’s just that I’m a very happily married man--

I’m not asking you to run away with me, I’m just asking you to kiss me.

Yeah, but-- Just one little kiss, please.

One can’t do any harm.

Oh, are you wrong!

DARRIN: Sam, what are you doing here?

Darrin, you better come with me.

I will not!

I don’t know how you found me, but this is the most insulting thing I ever heard of!

Talk about lack of trust!

I trust you.

It’s that-- That woman I don’t trust.

I beg your pardon.

Sam, I think you owe Miss Warbell an apology.

That woman is not Miss Warbell.

Then who is she?

The what of what? The Crone of Cawdor.

That’s the most ridiculous story I’ve ever heard.

Only an insanely jealous woman would make up something like that.

Sam, if this is your idea of a joke, it’s a bad one!

It’s true, if you kiss her, you’ll be 500-years-old.

Ooh, Sam you come up with some real beauts!

Tell him. Go ahead. Tell him what I’m saying is true.

I’ll do nothing of the kind. (CLOCK CHIMING)

Pretend she’s not here! It’ll teach her a lesson.

It might at that. I think I will kiss you.

(CHIMING CONTINUES)

Any wife who spies on her husband deserves not to be disappointed.

What do you think of that?

Be my guest.

(MOANS)

Oh, what happened?

It’s 6:00 in the eve.

What happened? The clock struck 6:00 just as I was about to strike one.

Will you tell me what happened?

Over here.

(YELPS) Sweetheart--

I’m sick and tired of having you say I make things up about the Stephens.

So you’re gonna take a look at the old hag, and you’re gonna ask her how old she is,

and when she says she’s only 24, (DOORBELL RINGING)

we’ll see who’s making things up.

Oh, hi. Hello.

Hello, Mrs. Stephens. Excuse me, I just want to prove something to him.

Take a look.

Now ask her how old she is.

How old are ya? Twenty-four.

Well, what have you got to say now?

Let’s go home.

Is that all you’ve got to say?

When we get home, I will tell you a lot more.

Good night.

It’s lucky that the neighbors found you and brought you here.

It must be a simple case of amnesia, don’t you think?

I-- I guess so.

I’m terribly sorry about missing our appointment.

That’s perfectly all right. After a good night’s rest, I’m sure you’ll be fine.

And can we meet tomorrow instead?

Of course.

Good, because I’m dying to hear your ideas.

My father says you’re a very bright young man.

Thank you. I don’t know about bright, but my wife helps me stay young.

He means our marriage keeps him young. (GROANS)

Then I’ll see you tomorrow about 10:00?

Okay. Why don’t I walk you out to the car?

Good night, Miss Warbell. Good night, Mrs. Stephens.

Excuse me, honey.

Do you want a word of advice, Samantha?

Not really.

Well, I’m going to give it to you anyway.

That girl is not to be trusted.

You don’t mean to say that she’s an impostor?

No, she’s the real thing.

Oh, is she real. That’s why I wouldn’t trust her.

Now, if I were you, tomorrow morning, I’d make some excuse

to pop in to that office, and I’d just make sure that...

Mmm.

Honey, you are the greatest.

Any other wife would’ve flipped over the treatment you got today.

Oh? Well, for future reference, I wasn’t too far from flipping.

Oh, you pitched right in and rustled up this dinner.

And you know something, this lasagna is every bit as good as la Bella Donna’s.

Well, it should be. I had it sent from la Bella Donna.

More chianti? Mmm-hmm.

Courtesy of la Bella Donna?

Everything here is from la Bella Donna.

Oh. Except this.

Happy anniversary, darling, of our first meeting.

I’ll kiss to that.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)