Original subtitles

Good.

Darrin?

Charlie. Charlie Harper! It’s great to see you, old buddy!

Darrin, if you don’t stop poking around, you won’t even make dessert.

I’ll be down in a minute. That’s what you said 30 minutes ago.

Something tells me you’re not too anxious to see your old buddy.

Not anxious to see Charlie? Don’t be ridiculous.

He only happens to be one of the greatest guys alive.

He’d be perfect except for one minor thing.

What’s that?

He’s rich, bright, intelligent, charming and witty.

And he excels at everything. Anything that anybody can do, Charlie Harper can do better.

Outside of that, he’s a sweetheart.

Sounds horrible. I’ll hate him.

Impossible. Nobody can hate Charlie.

Not even me. Don’t think I haven’t tried.

Well, I bet he didn’t graduate Cum Laude the way you did.

No, he didn’t. There, you see?

He did better. He graduated Summa Cum Laude, and he was three years younger than me.

Oh. Well.

Ah. Hold it. You were elected student body President, weren’t you?

Only after Charlie resigned so that he could devote more time

to being the most popular man on the campus.

Darrin, you can’t tell me that Charlie was any more popular with the girls than you were.

Let’s put it this way. I had to beat them off with a stick.

Charlie had his own wood pile. What’s his wife like?

I don’t know. I never met her.

But if she’s married to Charlie, she’s got to be gorgeous.

(DOORBELL RINGS) There they are. I’ll get it.

Darrin? Hmm?

I think your legs are cute,

But I imagine the Harpers would prefer to see you in pants.

See? He even beat me getting dressed.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

How can people say they don’t know what angels look like?

Aw, she’s beautiful, Dar. Really something special.

Thank you, Charlie. And you’re right. Tabatha’s very special.

Do you have any children?

You’ll be sorry you asked.

There they are.

Triplets. Triplets?

It figures. Yes. Two girls and a boy.

It’s a little hard to tell because of the hair.

Well, as Charlie is overly fond of saying,

"If you’re going to do something, do it right."

They’re darling, aren’t they, Darrin? They certainly are.

Instead of cigars, I passed out pipes.

(CHUCKLES) Why don’t we all go down to dinner?

You know, Dar, I really like your place.

It has a good, solid home feel.

Who was your decorator?

You’re looking at her. Oh, how I envy you.

I really botched our winter place in Acapulco something fierce.

Sam’s got a real flair. She can do wonders with anything.

Well, she and Charlie should get together, because he did a fabulous job on our castle.

Uh, you have a castle?

Mmm.

I fell in love with it the minute I saw the moat.

If Charlie hadn’t bought if for me, I would have just died.

It’s just a small one in Majorca.

Say, Dar, I hear, uh... I hear you’re going great guns at McMann and Tate.

Yes. He’s head of their creative advertising.

Hey, that’s great. Congratulations, Dar.

Well, thank you, Charlie. Actually, some of my accounts have come off pretty well.

Corwell Soup for instance.

Upped the sales 27%.

How marvelous!

Darling, don’t you have something to do with advertising?

In a small way.

Well, I thought you bought two big agencies last summer.

Just one.

Was that 20th century limited, or am I thinking of the train?

(LAUGHS) You’re close, honey.

It was Brown and Smithers unlimited.

You bought Brown and Smithers?

Just for tax purposes.

I really don’t know anything about the advertising game itself.

Well, shall we all go into the living room where it’s more comfortable?

I’ll get the liqueur and be right in. Okay?

"I fell in love with it the minute I saw the moat."

I’m not the least bit impressed.

I’m beginning to believe the only thing they don’t own is this block.

Mother! What are you doing here?

Being sick.

You’re eating like you feel fine.

Well, you know what they say, "Starve a success, feed a frustration."

No one I know says that.

Have you any idea how you sounded

while you were trying to puff up Duncan’s meager triumphs?

It’s "Darrin," and you know it!

When are you ever gonna admit that he’s not good enough for you?

The day after never.

Darrin’s doing just fine. And I love him, remember?

Well, if you had to marry a mortal,

why couldn’t you have chosen a superior one,

like Charlie?

I don’t have to stand here

and listen to you applaud Charlie Harper’s accomplishments.

I can go out there and listen to Daphne do it.

Oh, Samantha, face it.

She’s not bragging. She’s simply stating fact.

Mother.

Hmm?

I hope you get fat.

Darrin, I hope you didn’t have anything to do with that terrible meat company jingle,

You know, "Our tongue speaks for itself."

Not guilty. (ALL LAUGH)

Oh. You know, Charlie and I had a bet coming over here.

He said that you would remember me and I said that you wouldn’t.

And you loose, right, Dar?

Well, uh, let me think. Um...

See there? I was right.

I was the freshman campus queen your entire senior year of college.

Yes, yes, of course. Uh, how are you?

Fine, thank you. And I must say

that your husband was the only red-blooded male... Thank you,

that didn’t chase me around the quad.

I just didn’t want to get trampled in the rush, Daphne.

He also has a bad knee.

Kids, I have a wonderful idea.

We’ve just opened up our house at Oyster Bay,

and we’re having friends out for the weekend, and you’re coming too!

We’ll have a ball! Tennis, swimming, golf. The whole bit.

Well, I... CHARLIE: And, Dar,

you and I are going to talk some business,

important business involving you.

Now, what do you say?

Well, it sounds great, Charlie. Doesn’t it, honey?

But can we get a baby-sitter on such short notice?

Well, I’m sure that mother is available.

Well, if she isn’t,

I suppose I could always get Aunt Clara to pop in.

Oh, that’s great! Then it’s all settled.

Samantha, why don’t you go upstairs and throw some things into a suitcase.

The limousine’s right out front, and we can all go together.

Sweetheart, I’m proud of you.

Why?

Because I agreed to let your mother baby-sit?

I’ll admit that does take courage.

So does letting yourself in for a one-upmanship weekend like this.

It’s a shade over, above and beyond the call of duty, don’t you think?

Oh, we’ll have fun. Anyway, I told you I like Charlie.

It’s his wife who keeps pouring it on.

You really didn’t remember Daphne, did you?

Not a bit. It’s weird.

You don’t suppose she was a little bit of a snob even then, do you?

Castle, indeed.

On the other hand, why shouldn’t she have a castle?

Charlie can afford it. I wish I could give you one.

Don’t. They’re drafty.

Oh!

You have a wicked slam, Senator.

Yes, my dear, but I wish my wife had your form!

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

Well, when the countess told me that we missed you in Monte Carlo, I was just sick.

Yes. Excuse me, Mrs. Harper, but I see Samantha’s ready for me again.

CHARLIE: Well, Dar, I’m afraid you’ve got me beaten.

DARRIN: Not yet, Charlie. Not if you get a bull’s-eye.

CHARLIE: Ha. Fat chance. I haven’t gotten one in three weeks.

Well, here goes.

(LAUGHS) Would you take a look at that!

Do I have to?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I’m afraid Louis isn’t concentrating on the game, but she’s such a lovely girl.

Yes, really lovely.

You know, our husbands went to college together,

And I’m just trying to get Charlie to give him a decent job.

Oh!

Oh, hi, sweetheart. Having fun? Uh-huh.

First Charlie beat me at eight-ball, then at darts, now across the pool.

(CHUCKLES) Ooh. Sorry.

Yeah.

Oh, wonderful, Samantha. You’ve set them again.

Sorry, sweetheart.

Oh, my, Samantha. What a stunning ring.

Oh, thank you. Darrin picked it out himself.

It’s so stark and modern.

You know, I tried to tell Charlie

that the trend was away from the big diamonds, but he’s so old-fashioned.

And of course he can afford to be.

Oh, I’m terribly sorry! Don’t know how I could have been so clumsy.

Maybe the cards caught on your ring.

Senator, I tell you, Darrin made a shot today that was,

well, incredible is the only word for it. Now, Charlie...

No false modesty, Dar. It was fantastic.

See, he’s already found another word. (ALL LAUGH)

Well, who won? Charlie. By 11 strokes.

Let’s you and I talk a little business. Okay. Excuse us.

Tell me, Darrin, are you happy at McMann and Tate?

Very happy. Oh, that’s too bad.

It’d be a lot easier to quit if you were miserable.

Why should I want to quit?

Well, you can’t stay there and be President of Brown and Smithers Unlimited too.

You’re not serious?

You can write your own ticket, Dar. That’s how serious I am.

Well, Charlie, I don’t know what to say.

The word is "yes."

You’ll spend six months a year in New York and six months on the Continent.

That’s to service our offices in Paris, London and Rome.

Samantha will love it!

Oh, I don’t think so, Charlie. Why not?

Well, first of all, it would mean uprooting the family and schools for Tabatha,

and besides, I couldn’t leave Larry Tate after all he’s done for me.

Anyway, I’m simply not ready for a presidency.

Oh, you’re too modest, Dar. You always have been.

Can you suggest anybody else?

Why not yourself?

Hey, come on, I’m much too smart to hire anybody like me.

(KNOCK ON DOOR) Come in.

Oh, hi, Daphne. Hi, Samantha.

I know you packed in a hurry, so I was wondering if you want to borrow anything for tonight

Clothes or jewelry, anything like that?

Oh, that’s very sweet. But I think I brought enough.

Okay. Well.

The boys really are enjoying themselves, aren’t they?

Darrin’s having a ball.

That’s lovely.

You know, Charlie and I just love Darrin,

and we just wish there was something we could help him.

Help him what?

Well, to realize his full potential

and to find his proper place in the world.

Oh, Daphne. I think Darrin’s very happy with his place,

his home, his family, his job at McMann and Tate.

I know, but Charlie could make him Vice President in his agency.

But then again, Darrin probably wouldn’t accept it.

Mmm. No, he likes to do things on his own.

And I’m sure when the time is right,

that he will be offered a Vice Presidency, at McMann and Tate.

Oh, how wonderful. How wonderful.

Well, you’re sure there’s nothing I can lend you for this evening?

It’s going to be very dressy, you know. Maybe some jewelry, or...

Um, well, let me look.

Oh, Samantha! How lovely.

It’s just amazing what they can do with this costume stuff these days, isn’t it?

What makes you think they’re not real?

Well, you’re gonna force me to be cruel, but on Darrin’s salary,

they have to be zircons.

They’re beautiful zircons. They’re the prettiest I’ve ever seen.

Daphne,

there is one thing I could use.

A hanger.

Oh, I’ll have Hilda bring you some.

(CHUCKLES) I really should hang this thing up.

Samantha, that is the most gorgeous,

breathtakingly beaut...

Daphne? Is anything wrong?

ENDORA: Yes, my darling daughter. There’s plenty wrong.

Mother! Samantha!

I’m appalled.

Oh, mother, what is it now, and who’s staying with Tabatha

I suspected you needed keeping an eye on more than Tabatha.

Hagatha is sitting with her.

I’m watching over the real baby of the family.

Oh, Samantha.

Boasting about Durwood is one thing, but conjuring up a precious item like that?

It’s the biggest misuse of witchcraft I have ever seen.

Well, since when have you been so averse to my using witchcraft?

The second you started using it to make Dalton look good.

Daphne had it coming.

ENDORA: I couldn’t care less about her.

It’s you I’m concerned about.

You’re only fooling yourself, Samantha,

and the mink proves it.

You had to zap it up for yourself because what’s-his-name

isn’t capable of getting you one.

Don’t you see that?

I don’t need a mink.

(SCOFFS)

I suppose I shouldn’t have done it though.

It’s about to get me into trouble.

Well, from the lustful look in her eye,

I would say that is in the nature of an understatement.

If you just unfreeze her and pop out, I’ll see if I can remedy the situation.

Well, easier said, darling.

Cheerio.

Beautiful, fabulous coat that I have ever seen!

May I? Yes.

Did Darrin give it to you? Where did he get it?

From a little place that was going out of business.

With merchandise like this?

Well, you see, Daphne, that was the problem.

They took too much trouble. Raised the mink themselves.

And only used the pelts from identical twins from each litter.

Oh! There’s probably not another one like it in the whole world.

No, no, there isn’t.

Darrin could just shoot me for not liking it.

For not liking it?

Well, I hardly ever wear it.

It’s kind of a sore subject with Darrin,

so I’d appreciate it if you didn’t mention it to him.

Oh, darling, you can count on me. Good.

Oh, how stupid of me.

Charlie, you’ve got to get that mink coat for me.

But you have a closet full of those things.

Oh, but this is made out of the pelts of identical twins!

If this coat is so special, honey, well, why doesn’t Samantha like it?

Oh, don’t be so dense. She knows they can’t afford it.

Yeah, but I’d feel funny.

Look, you’d be doing Darrin a favor by taking it off his hands,

because he’s probably up to his neck in hock for it.

Oh, I don’t know.

Oh, Charlie, if you don’t get me that coat I’m gonna have a migraine till 1970.

Believe me, honey, I don’t feel bad. As a matter of fact,

I feel great, I finally beat Charlie at something!

You said you lost by 12 strokes. Eleven!

Oh, pardon me.

But we flipped a coin to see who’d tip the caddie, and I won.

It cost me 10 bucks, but I won!

Oh, I love you, you nut.

(KNOCK AT DOOR) Mmm. I love... Oh, come in.

Excuse me, I hope I’m not interrupting.

Samantha, I just wanted to tell you that you have got another Arnie Palmer here,

he made a shot... I told her, Charlie. What can we do for you?

Well, um, we’ve known each other for a number of years, right, Dar?

Charlie, if it’s about the job... No, no, it isn’t.

Shall I excuse myself? No, I want you to stay right here.

You are a very important part of this.

Uh, Dar,

my wife wants to buy your wife’s mink coat.

She’s been bugging me about it ever since she saw it.

If she doesn’t get it, she’s gonna make my life miserable for me.

Well, I don’t get it, Charlie. What’s the joke?

She wants to buy my mink?

That’s impossible.

I know you’re touchy on the subject, Dar, but... Why should I be touchy?

Sam doesn’t own a mink.

Now I don’t get it.

Darrin, could I talk to you for a moment?

When?

Now?

Uh, should I leave? No, no, Charlie.

It’s all right. It’ll only take a minute.

Excuse us, Charlie.

(WHISPERING) Sam, what’s this all about?

Well... Oh, Darrin.

Well, you see, Daphne said some very unkind things about you

and about how you were doing.

Well, so I just Zapped up a mink coat

and said it was a present from you. That’s great!

I’m sorry. We’ll talk about it after we get rid of him.

Well, I hope you kids have settled on a price.

The coat’s not for sale, Charlie. Ah, we’re making progress.

At least, uh, he said that there is a coat.

Uh, would you consider $5,000? Absolutely not.

Oh I understand. Sentimental value and all.

Let’s say 6,000 then, hmm?

Charlie, you can’t put a price on sentiment.

Now, I know the coat was custom-made from pelts of identical twins, so...

What! Identical mink twins?

So how about $8,500?

Charlie, will you cut that out? You haven’t even seen the coat.

For all you know it might have a hole in the pocket!

Dar, Daphne wants it. That’s all I have to know.

Come on, kids, be realistic.

You certainly can’t turn down 12,500.

The answer’s no, Charlie. No.

Samantha, talk to him. Tell him you don’t really even like the coat.

Well, Darrin, what was I to do?

Daphne was being so patronizing.

Well, she practically called you a looser.

So to prove what a winner I was, you gave yourself a mink coat.

Well, I’m sorry, darling.

Well, she could’ve said anything in the world about me,

but I didn’t want her to knock you, don’t you understand?

Perfectly. I’m enough of a breadwinner to provide you with the necessities,

but when it comes to the luxuries I want to give you,

I can’t compete with your witchcraft!

I can’t give you anything you can’t zap up yourself.

Oh, Darrin, please let me explain.

Explain what? I think everything’s all too clear.

Well.

Hors d’oeuvre? No, thank you.

Would you care to dance, Daphne?

Senator, I know how you loathe vetoes, but I have a crushing migraine.

So sorry.

Hey, Darrin, what’s wrong? You... You seem upset.

Have I done anything to offend you?

No, Charlie. You just helped put things in perspective for me.

Daphne, can I see you for a moment?

Certainly!

You haven’t by any chance changed your mind, have you?

Daphne, the coat is yours.

Oh, you don’t mean it!

Charlie!

Please, just between... he’ll... Charlie!

SAM: Daphne... DAPHNE: Darrin!

Oh, it’s beautiful.

What’s going on?

Don’t be too long. She might change her mind.

Charlie will give you a check for it, Samantha.

Well, Daphne, you don’t understand. I’m giving it to you.

Giving it to me?

Yes. Charlie told me how much you admired it, and so I want you to have it.

CHARLIE: Well, that is a marvelous coat, Samantha.

This is worth a great deal of money. You can’t do that.

Oh, no, Samantha, you can’t give away anything this valuable.

Oh, yes, you can, Daphne,

When you value something else a great deal more.

DAPHNE: More than this?

Oh, you’re kidding.

No, I’m not.

I don’t think I’ve ever been as serious

or meant anything as much in my life.

Sam.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Uh-uh. I’ll get it, sweetheart.

Mrs. Stephens? This is for you. Oh, thank you.

You’re welcome. Who is it, honey?

Oh, it’s a package, and by special messenger, no less.

Hey. I haven’t forgotten a birthday or an anniversary, have I?

Of course not. I wouldn’t let you.

Well, who’s it from?

It’s from Daphne and Charlie Harper.

Daphne?

"Dear Samantha, I’m returning the coat.

"It would take volumes to explain why, but I have a feeling

"I don’t need to make an explanation.

"I’m certain you’ll understand.

"Please accept my thanks for giving me a sense of value.

"Daphne."

Oh, there’s a P.S. from Charlie.

"Thanks for giving me a new Daphne. Charlie."

Hey, did we do all that? Huh.

You did, sweetheart. Aw.

Honey, about this coat...

Are you sure you don’t want to keep the coat?

Oh, sweetheart, I can zap up mink coats all day long.

But I can never zap up another Darrin Stephens.

Mmm? Mmm-hmm.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)