Original subtitles

Samantha?

(TIMER BUZZING)

Oh, that’s my own little witch.

Well done.

Darrin, you better hurry up. Breakfast is almost ready.

I know. I just saw it in action.

That’s very clever, the way the pancakes flip-flop-flip-flop, no hands.

Welcome back to the fold, darling.

I, uh, sort of broke training.

I noticed.

What about, uh, Dumbo?

Doesn’t he object to your using...

Yes, Darrin objects.

But it’s a special occasion because of the morning light.

I have to catch the morning light, so I can work on my painting.

Really? You’re painting?

Mm-hmm! See? I’ve almost finished the sketch.

I’m gonna enter it in the exhibit next week.

Just paint the Same way you flipped those pancakes, and you’ll have a masterpiece.

Mother, I am not going to use witchcraft.

Well, remember, anything less than a masterpiece

will be a disgrace to the family name.

And I’ll be watching.

Mother!

Mo... (SCOFFS)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Okay, push. That’s a good girl.

Wait a minute. Just wait a minute.

Mama. No. Now, come on.

No. As soon as I call your daddy, I’ll fix you something to eat.

Well, there you are. I’ve been waiting for hours.

Well, I’m sorry, Mother, but I’ve been very busy delivering my painting.

Your painting?

Yes. My painting.

For your information, Mother dear, my painting is gonna be hung at the charity exhibit.

It might even win a prize. Well, that wouldn’t surprise me.

It wouldn’t? No. Of course not.

Talent runs in our family.

Your great-great uncle Lorenzo was hung in the Louvre.

Mother, really, not in front of Tabatha.

Not him, silly child. His self-portrait.

And your second cousin Lucretia has been working in stone for centuries.

I’ve often felt that Durwood should lend her his head.

I have often felt that we can do without the jokes

about Darrin, D-A-R-R-I-N.

He, incidentally, thinks my painting’s great.

That is incidental.

What would what-you-would-call-him know about art?

If you want an opinion of value, you should go to someone

who’s ascetically equipped

to give you a critique of your work.

Whom did you have in mind? As if I didn’t know.

Oh, don’t be flippant, my dear daughter.

You know I frequently haunt the avant-garde galleries.

As a matter of fact, I dropped in at Jacques’ gallery in New York

to see the work of Henri Monchet.

Who is Henri Monchet? Henri Monchet!

Henri Monchet happens to be the latest rage in Paris!

And mark you, soon he’ll be the rage in New York.

Well, I’m very impressed. Good.

Now let’s see if I am.

What?

Let me see your painting. Uh-uh. No, it’s too late.

It’s already hanging in the gallery at the university.

I told you I’d dropped it off when I came in.

You mean it’s going to appear in public before your own mother sees it?

You bet.

We artists live dangerously.

Life with that mortal

has made you completely thoughtless.

How’s that?

I got news.

I think you hung it upside down.

So what? Eggs is better over easy anyhow.

Eggs makes me hungry. Let’s eat.

It’s too early for lunch.

Not when you been hanging eggs all morning, it ain’t. Come on. Let’s eat.

Okay. Better lock the door.

Oh. All right.

What you got, salami? Liverwurst.

Always liverwurst on Thursday.

Hey. How did she get in?

Uh, sorry, uh, lady.

But the show don’t start till tonight.

So if you don’t mind, will you please blow?

Of course.

(WIND BLOWING)

(LAUGHS)

Lady, watch out!

Did you see what I saw?

No.

Good. Neither did I.

Oh! My stars and satellites.

It looks like she’s painted it with a broom.

A whisk broom.

Well, we can do better than that.

Oh, wizards and warlocks of arts of the ages.

Oh, palettes of paint and classical sages.

This dreadful still life, just take it away,

and bring me a landscape by Henri Monchet!

Ah. Well, that’s more like it.

Oh, fiddley-faddley, I almost forgot!

There!

Now.

Well, now that’s what I call an excellent job.

Where did that lady go?

What lady?

That’s the one.

Darrin, it’s almost 5:00.

How’s that perfume layout coming along?

Here, have a sniff.

Oh, these look fine, Darrin. There are a few changes I wanna make

before Cunningham sees it.

Well, take your time. He can see it tomorrow. You can tell him about it tonight.

What do you mean, I can tell him about it tonight?

He arrived in town early. You’re taking him to dinner.

Not tonight, I’m not. I have very special plans tonight. I’m taking my wife to dinner.

By all means bring Sam along. She’s always a plus in client relationships.

Larry, you’re not paying attention.

Sam has a painting entered in the art exhibit at the university.

We have to go there. But that’s great!

Cunningham considers himself a connoisseur of the arts.

He’d jump at the chance to go to an art exhibit.

An amateur art exhibit?

This is the first thing Sam’s ever painted!

Darrin, have I ever steered you wrong?

You wanna stand on your record?

No.

Why don’t you take him to dinner tonight?

Because Louise and I have other plans, and because the Cunningham perfume account

can be the most lucrative we’ve ever had, and taking him to the art exhibit

can be the one surefire way of getting it.

So, call Sam and give her the good word.

Okay. First I have to think of one.

What? A good word.

Why don’t you tell her it’s a favor

for the president of the company?

That’s a good word.

Good evening, madam. Your chief babysitter, reporting for duty.

Not a minute too soon.

If I don’t leave right away I’m gonna be late.

There’s something else I had to do. What was it?

Yes. Mr. Cunningham’s perfume.

He sent some to Louise and me.

$50 an ounce. Mmm.

Ooh, Mother, look at me. I’m so nervous, it’s like stage fright.

Don’t worry, darling. I’ll be with you in spirit.

Wish me luck. It’s been wished.

What does that mean? Oh, really, Samantha!

It’s getting so you question everything I say.

Sorry.

Bye-bye.

$50 an ounce?

Eww.

Ugh.

RADIO ANNOUNCER: On the local side of the news,

art critic Arthur Bryan has completed his judging

in the annual charity art show on view at the university tonight.

The winner of the first prize is Samantha Stephens.

Larry!

In making the decision, Mr. Bryan said that Mrs. Stephens showed

an amazing color sense and style for an amateur painter.

Larry! Samantha won first prize!

(RADIO CONTINUES) (LARRY SHOUTING, MUFFLED)

Well, hurry up. We must go to that exhibit.

Now for a rundown in the world of sports.

What is it? She won! Samantha won!

Stunned a capacity crowd, setting a new world’s record for the high jump.

Yeah? How high did she jump?

And so you say, "What is art?"

Some say look in the dictionary, but I say

What does a man who writes a dictionary know about art?

If he knew anything about art, would he be writing a dictionary in the first place?

No, I say.

I say go to a man who has created something himself.

Even if that man is only a man like I.

A man who has created a perfume, go to him, I say.

That man knows art as I know art.

"What does it take to know art?" You ask.

No, I didn’t. She didn’t say anything.

That is not an easy question to answer.

Thought you’d hit me with a toughie didn’t you?

For the ordinary man, that is a difficult question.

But... And I use the word "but" advisedly,

but for a man like I, who has a sense of recognition,

a man who can sniff a fragrance or walk up to a painting and say,

"I know you".

There is the essence of knowing art.

Fascinating.

Yes, isn’t it?

Uh, I’m afraid that our exhibit

is considerably below your speed, Mr. Cunningham.

I mean, it’s for kitchen creators, patio painters, like I.

I mean, we wouldn’t be on exhibit at all if it weren’t for charity.

All the more reason.

All the more reason, what?

To know what you want and go after it.

Once I say "I know you," the next step is, "I must have you."

I have never, never in my entire life said "I know you"

To a painting or fragrance I didn’t buy.

I will say that for me. I always get what I want.

Always.

Wow.

That is why my art collection is second only to about three or four hundred others

in the united states.

Wow.

Uh, d-don’t you think it’s getting a wee bit late?

Yes! Uh, waiter?

They’re putting the prize-winning paintings up for sale this evening.

You might see something you like.

At an amateur exhibit, I doubt it.

But who knows, I’m always on the lookout for new discoveries.

(CHUCKLES) Well, I’m afraid mine won’t be one.

(MUTTERING) I don’t know.

LOUISE: Oh, Samantha. Samantha, how wonderful!

I’m so thrilled for you! Mr. Cunningham.

Good to see you again. I wouldn’t have missed this for the world!

Darrin, you must be very proud of her.

When Louise heard the news, we canceled our engagement and came right over!

What news? Yeah, what news?

You mean you don’t know? Samantha won first prize. (GASPS)

They’re unveiling her painting any moment.

Well, now, this is interesting.

Oh! Louise, are you sure?

I can’t believe it! You’re positive? I’m numb.

Who wouldn’t be? I’m dying to see your masterpiece.

They’ve been waiting for you before they start the auction.

We saved some seats, come on over.

Here, Mr. Cunningham.

Mrs. Stephens, as chairman of the art committee,

I just want to say how proud we are to have you here this evening.

Thank you.

(CROWD APPLAUDS)

Hang on, I may go right through the floor.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, as we promised you, the first painting

to be auctioned for charity is the painting that won first prize.

(APPLAUSE)

We invite our guests to come up and examine the painting

before the auction begins.

Sam, that isn’t yours.

I know. Mr. Chairman...

Honey, honey. The signature. Look at the signature.

I want to tell you, Mrs. Stephens, I’m not used to paintings

at amateur art exhibits saying "I know you,"

but that one definitely is speaking up.

I wish it’d say where it came from. Darrin!

All right, now. Your attention, please.

The bidding is about to commence.

Now, do I hear an offer?

I have an awful feeling

Twenty-five dollars.

That he’s going to bid for it. He just did.

Thirty. Thirty-five.

That may be my signature, but it’s Mother’s handwriting.

You bid against him. I’ll see if I can figure this out.

Thirty-five once.

Thirty-five twice.

Uh, 36!

Ah, now I have a bid for $36.

You people in the back there, I haven’t heard from you.

Mr. Higgins, do you have a bid? Mother?

Oh, I get the hint, Stephens. I forgot it was for charity.

Don’t worry, Stephens. I’ll go along.

$200.

Now I have a bid for $200! Do I hear more?

Two hundred once.

Two hundred twice.

Three hundred dollars.

Do I hear four?

Four hundred dollars.

Stephens, I want that painting.

Yes, Darrin. What is this? He wants that painting.

I’m sentimental.

You weren’t sentimental a while ago when you could have had it for $25.

I’m a man of many moods.

Four hundred once. Four hundred twice.

410! I have 410.

Do I hear 500?

Five hundred.

I know you can hear me!

How could you do such a thing?

Will you please answer me? It’s urgent!

Oh!

Oh, Mother, you are such a stubborn witch.

I have $800. Do I hear 850?

I don’t think so. Eight fifty.

Darrin, you can be sentimental over her next painting.

Please keep out of this, Louise.

I thought you people wanted my account.

$900.

We do. But that’s business. This is art.

This is nonsense, Darrin. You can have all the paintings Sam can paint.

Why do you have to have this one?

Larry, you’d never understand. $925.

I could leave town tonight.

Me without the painting, and you without my account.

$950.

$950!

Do I hear a thousand?

Where are you gonna get $1,000 without a job?

$1,000.

$1,005.

$1,005.

Going once.

Going twice.

Sold, for $1,005

To the art lover in the gray suit.

I told you I get what I want if I have to say so myself.

Mr. Cunningham. I call this good sportsmanship,

Darrin inviting us all over for a cup of coffee.

Yes, he’s a gracious loser, and I’m a gracious winner for $1,005.

$1,005?

Well, I suppose I can’t really blame you for wanting your wife’s painting so badly.

I suppose.

Samantha and I’ll get things started in the kitchen.

Yes. Let me!

Oh, no, Louise. You and Larry entertain Mr. Cunningham.

Mother. Dear.

I’m desperate.

Mother, I have to talk to you.

Now, for the last time, you materialize, or else!

Well, why didn’t you answer me before?

You knew I was here babysitting.

I also know you could’ve gotten Aunt Hagatha as a substitute.

Oh, I knew you were going to make a great to-do over nothing,

and you are, aren’t you?

Where did you get that painting?

Oh, that? That’s Henri Monchet’s.

Henri Monchet? You stole it!

(GASPS) Samantha!

That’s a tawdry accusation.

Of course, I haven’t. I just borrowed it.

It’ll pop back to Jacques’ at midnight.

Midnight! But it’s close to that now.

Oh, really? Oh, I am late.

Mother, you are going to sit right there on that table until this mess is cleared up.

Mr. Cunningham is in there, and he bought that painting!

Don’t tell me that scent maker is here!

Mm-hmm.

I tried some of his perfume. It burned a hole right through my robe.

You should try some of my perfume, Samantha.

It’s irresistible.

It was made especially for me by a warlock in Tibet.

Irresistible?

Completely.

But I’ll need it for tonight.

Oh, no, Mother, I’ll need it for tonight.

Oh, please? Please let me borrow it. Hmm? Please?

Oh, fiddle-faddle.

Whew!

Mr. Cunningham, why don’t you leave the painting here? We’ll have it reframed,

Show it off a little better.

You really don’t want to part with it, do you?

Louise?

Larry? No, thanks.

Mrs. Stephens... I’m terribly sorry, Mr. Cunningham.

Uh, cream and sugar?

That perfume you’re wearing! What is it?

Oh, that. Uh, my mother makes it.

Homemade perfume?

Well, it’s an old formula. Been in the family for years.

What a unique fragrance. That scent,

Remarkable, fabulous aroma.

It’s speaking to me. I’m glad you like it.

Like it? I must market it!

Great!

What are the ingredients?

Oh, Mother would never tell anyone.

Well, I’m prepared to make a very generous offer to her if she’ll sell it to me.

She’d never sell it for money.

What else is there?

I happen to know that Mother would love Darrin to have that painting.

Perhaps we could work out a trade.

No, no. I don’t think so.

Cookie? (SNIFFS)

That scent is irresistible.

Are you sure your mother won’t accept a very large payment?

Oh, absolutely not.

You have a very unusual mother-in-law, my boy.

Indescribable.

(SNIFFS) Louise.

And so is that perfume.

It’s a deal.

The painting for the formula.

Darrin, why don’t you take the painting in the den?

Now?

Before Mr. Cunningham changes his mind.

(INHALING)

Why, with this new fragrance, I may start a whole new line.

Naturally, Mr. Cunningham. I’ll have Stephens get started on a new layout right away.

That sounds like fun.

I’ll want excitement,

Something that will make it impossible for a woman not to buy it when she sees it

We’ll need a name that will make it as irresistible as it is.

I have an idea.

How about "I know you."

Brilliant!

Stephens, what did you ever do to deserve a woman like this?

Mr. Cunningham, I’ll never know.

Well, good night! Darrin, see you bright and early.

Right, Larry. Mr. Cunningham.

Better get right on the ball.

Believe me, sir, I’ve got a lot of ideas.

I think it’s just wonderful the way everything worked out.

So you didn’t get the painting, but you got the perfume,

and McMann and Tate got the account,

which is all Larry was worried about, right?

Just a minute. Just a gosh darn minute!

LARRY: Louise, will you ever learn to keep your big fat...

And were you going to keep this a secret from me?

Keep what a secret from you, Mr. Cunningham?

"Samantha Stephens." So that wasn’t your only painting.

Or your only style!

This one I’ve got to have, because this one is talking up a storm.

It’s shouting at me. This one I know.

Mr. Cunningham. That one you may have.

You mean it?

Quick, say goodnight before she changes her mind.

Good night. Call you tomorrow! Good night, good night.

Sam, what about that painting? Is it gonna disappear on him?

Is it real? Or was that witchcraft too?

I told you this morning it was real.

Oh, boy. It’s getting harder and harder to tell what’s real and what isn’t around here!

(CHUCKLES) Come here.

This is real.

Wow!