Original subtitles

Hi, sweetheart! Hi, honey.

Oh, is something the matter?

Yeah, Larry and I ran into an important client today,

And I couldn’t remember the man’s name... And he knew it.

Oh, sweetheart, that happens to everyone once in a while. It’s natural.

Well, it’s been happening too often, and it’s not going to happen again.

I’m going to do something about it. In fact, I already have.

I bought this book.

I read the first two chapters on the train on the way home. It’s fascinating.

Oh! Instant memory can be yours.

That’s nice. You start your homework. I’ll start dinner.

Chapter three.

(LAUGHING)

Ah, testing your memory, dear? Do you remember me?

I wouldn’t mind forgetting you, Endora.

A perfect memory! (SCOFFS)

It’s ridiculous. What’s so ridiculous about it?

Well, the ability to forget is very important to you mortals.

You do so many stupid things, a perfect memory would be impossible to live with.

Is that so?

Total recall can only be handled by a strong, mature mind.

And where does that leave you, Dawson?

It leaves me wishing that you would mind your own business.

Excuse me if I ignore you.

(CHUCKLING) So you want a perfect memory, huh?

Cynthia! SAM: Who?

The wife of the man whose name I couldn’t remember! Cynthia Pennybaker.

That’s it! Isn’t that marvelous? Wonderful!

I-I... My memory’s working. I remember a lot of things about him.

He loves Beethoven, hates Wagner.

He raises parakeets. He’s got three children...

Mark, age 14, Sylvia, age 11, and a little 3-year-old named Willie!

Fascinating.

Yes, isn’t it?

And I only just began the third chapter.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Good morning, sweetheart. Mm! Hi.

Hey, hot cakes and blueberries! Mm-hmm.

Thought I’d give you something different.

Oh, it’s not different. You fixed them once before.

No, I don’t think so.

It was, uh, September 14, raining, Saturday.

You were wearing the yellow dress with white polka dots.

That yellow dress. I wonder what ever happened to it.

I liked it. I’ll have to look for it.

Mm-hm. You gave it away to Mrs. Dumont, for the rummage sale.

That’s right. I did.

That was the same rummage sale that you whipped up that enormous chocolate cake for.

It was an emergency. It was also a very good cause.

Five minutes after I’d told you no witchcraft,

and you had faithfully promised.

Darrin, while you’re remembering, do you also remember that

every time you bring up that chocolate cake we get into an argument?

How about forgetting it, hmm?

I’ll drop the subject.

But I’ll never forget it.

(INTERCOM BUZZES) Yeah, Larry.

Darrin, Mr. Pennybaker is here. Mr. Pennybaker.

I wonder if you’d mind coming in. My pleasure.

And every parakeet, or budgie, as we call them,

that I’ve got, I’ve practically hand-raised from an egg.

How about that.

Your average bird isn’t very intelligent, you know. (DOOR OPENS)

But those little budgies...

Oh, Ed, I don’t know whether you remember Darrin Stephens or not.

Oh, yes, yes. I remember Stephens,

But I’m not too sure whether he remembers me.

Well, of course I do, Mr. Pennybaker. How are you?

Fine, fine, thank you. And how are the children?

Mark and Sylvia, your little three-year-old Willie?

Well, they’re just fine. And, uh... Call me Ed.

Huh? Well, thank you, Ed.

Ed was just telling me some fascinating things about his parakeets.

Yes. I’ve got a bird that picks up a new word every week.

There’s no telling how far that bird can go.

I remember reading about a Budgerigar...

Or a Budgie, as they’re called, owned by an English woman.

That bird knew 12 nursery rhymes by heart,

and had a vocabulary of over 300 words.

Oh, come off it, Darrin. No. No, no. He’s right.

I know about that bird.

I didn’t know you were a budgie man.

I’m not, I’m not. I just remember reading about it in the dentist’s office.

Oh.

The bird was called Sandy,

and was owned by Mrs. Irene Pauls of Saines, in Middlesex.

Yes, yes. Beautiful country, Middlesex.

You know, I drove through there on my way down to London, from Manchester.

Excuse me for correcting you, but that would be the Midlands,

not Middlesex.

Thank you very much, Stephens.

Well, do you suppose it’s possible to do a little constructive work around here?

Oh, sure, Ed. Sure!

That’s no good. Uh-uh.

Wait a minute.

Now here’s something I like!

Simple, plain,

almost baroque.

Oh, excuse me, Ed, but, um, if memory serves me,

the Baroque period in art was highly ornamental.

It followed the Renaissance and found its extreme expression

in the Rococo.

What are you doing, taking extension courses in everything?

Knock it off, will you, Darrin? Sorry, Larry.

Just popped into my mind. Art 101. Professor Eckhart.

Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 10:00.

I got a B-minus. He had a good-looking daughter.

(CHUCKLES) Darrin, you’re flunking your postgraduate course in advertising.

Sorry. Uh, sorry, Ed.

(CHUCKLES) Here we are.

Well, I’ll tell you something I discovered about Larry.

He doesn’t like me to charge things.

He’d rather give me the cash. It seems to give him

a sense of power and of being charitable to me.

Very interesting. Louise!

Hi! How are you, dear?

I know what you want. Just tell me how much.

Oh, this is Mr. Pennybaker, our favorite client.

My wife Louise and Mrs. Stephens... How are you?

How do you do? How do you do?

Darrin was telling me about you last night. I hear you have

three wonderful children.

Oh, yes, I do indeed. And you know,

It’s a pleasure working with your husband.

Will this be enough, darling? LOUISE: Without looking, no.

Mr. Pennybaker, if you and your wife aren’t busy,

why don’t you join us for dinner tonight?

Well, that would be fine.

Oh, good, good.

Samantha, we’ll expect you and Darrin too.

Just a minute. I believe it’s our turn.

Oh, oh, yes. Yes, please let us do it.

Darrin, it isn’t your turn at all.

You still have a rain check from that Thursday a month before last,

when we invited you and you didn’t show up.

I didn’t hear a thing about it. Next time you want us

you just call me.

Don’t tell your husband to tell my husband.

Wait a minute. Darrin didn’t tell me about a dinner date.

I’d never forget a thing like that.

Are you trying to say I didn’t tell you? Sweetheart,

even if you did, it doesn’t make any difference.

I tell you, I told him! Let me see.

Now I remember! After I told him, he made a note of it

in the margin of a sketch we were working on for the McCollins account.

Marvelous! He even remembers things that never happened.

Oh, Larry. If that’s the way it’s going to be.

You want proof, huh? Okay.

Okay, okay.

Yes, Mr. Tate? This is Mr. Stephens, Betty.

Will you please send in the McCollins account? Yes, sir.

Oh, Darrin, don’t! Louise, I really wasn’t upset.

I just assumed that Darrin forgot to tell Larry.

That’s another reason I want to get this settled.

Oh, men! Men! Thank you, Betty.

Oh, there we are.

"Dinner with the Stephens, Thursday, 7:00."

Let me see that.

Mm, that is your handwriting, dear. Well, what if it is?

What does that prove? DARRIN: See, I did remember to tell him.

Oh, Samantha, it was our fault. I’m dreadfully sorry.

Oh, don’t be silly, Louise. This whole thing is ridiculous.

Larry! I’m sorry, Samantha.

I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, Louise.

SAM: Mr. Pennybaker, in case you’re wondering

where you’re going to have dinner tonight, it’ll be at our house.

All right, Louise? Anything, but let’s go shopping.

Yes, well, I... I think I’d better go too.

I’ll walk you ladies out.

You know, not too long ago,

a dispute like this could have ended on the dueling field.

Everything according to the Code Duello.

Ladies, you probably don’t know this,

but the dueling code has a very interesting history.

Now you take the age of chivalry. A gentleman in those days...

Pleased with yourself? Well, I’m sorry, Larry.

But you’ve been bugging me about my memory. I’ve been trying to improve it.

I know Ed Pennybaker. He considers himself

an authority on everything. He likes to be on!

I didn’t notice.

How could you?

You were talking all the time.

Larry, you’ve got to admit that I did remember every detail of his account.

Yes. Yes.

Now I wish you would go to your office and practice a little forgetting.

I can’t. That’s the wonderful thing. I can’t.

And, Larry, I want to thank you for insisting that I improve my memory.

Thanks, Lar.

Oh, I’m slow.

English literature, room 314, new annex building.

The Destruction of Sennacherib, by Lord Byron.

"The Assyrian came down like the wolf on the fold,

"his cohorts were gleaming in purple and gold..."

"The stockings were hung by the chimney with care...

"In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there"?

It’s not total recall yet.

Mr. Stephens? Yes, Betty?

I have this international products letter

For you to sign. Oh, good.

Betty, uh, you have a semicolon here

in the fourth sentence where I dictated a colon.

Oh, I’m sorry. It’s all right.

You can fix it with an eraser. Oh, fine.

Send that right out. Thank you.

Which reminds me. That’s the fourth time

this year you’ve made the same mistake.

The first time was in February in a letter

to the Frisbee account. Then the second time was concerning

the Rawback account. That was on April the 12th.

And most recently it was in a letter

to Clyde, Burke and Weil. Only this time you made the same mistake in reverse...

A colon instead of semicolon.

Better watch that. Yes, sir!

It’s coming back.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh! Let me guess.

(IN DEEP VOICE) Go ahead.

The milkman? Right. How ’bout payin’ your bill, lady?

There. Where’s my change?

Oh, Darrin, they’re lovely! What’s the occasion?

It’s an anniversary.

Of what? Our first quarrel.

Oh. How very thoughtful of you.

I was remembering how nice it was making up afterwards.

Yes, that was nice.

Thank you.

I remember I took you to dinner, the theater and dancing afterwards.

Oh, yes. You were so charming and gallant.

Remember the funny little waiter with the toupee?

Very romantic too.

And the bandleader who was smashed out of his skull?

No, but I remember how sweet you were...

Oh, honey, you must remember him.

They had him propped up between two music stands.

It was the night we had the fight. It all started...

Oh, Darrin, I can’t even remember

what the fight was about.

I can. It was the time you were going to meet me outside my office building,

and you were waiting at the wrong entrance,

which left me standing for one solid hour in the pouring rain.

You do remember that, don’t you?

Oh, for heaven’s sakes.

Why did you go to the side entrance?

You always go to the front entrance, and that’s where I waited for you.

I was waiting there because you asked me to meet you there.

Why would I do a thing like that?

You made a mistake. You were just too wet and irritable to admit it.

It was for your convenience that I was there!

You were doing some shopping in that dress store on the side street!

That’s ridiculous, Darrin. That shop never had anything I wanted.

For your information, that was the day and the place where you bought

that yellow dress with the white polka dots that you gave

to the rummage committee, along with that chocolate cake that you whipped up!

Don’t you raise your voice like that to me.

There, you see? You always say that whenever I’m right,

DARRIN: And I’m right, aren’t I?

All right. You’re right.

Here. Take your raggedy old flowers and press them in your dumb old instant memory book!

Well!

If it’s wrong for a man to try to improve himself

to study hard to get ahead in his job,

so that he can do better by his wife and child, well...

Darrin... I’m sorry.

Don’t you think you’ve improved your memory enough?

Can’t you just forget about the rest of the book?

Samantha, if it weren’t for that book, I wouldn’t have remembered

about our first quarrel and I wouldn’t have brought you these flowers.

And we wouldn’t be having this brand-new fight.

I’m sorry.

They’re lovely.

And I love you very much.

I love you very much.

SAM: Oh, that makes it all worthwhile.

Which reminds me of the time...

Listen. But none of you remember the really early cars.

Now I mean the first ones.

For instance, who remembers

the Lexington Minuteman?

Now, there... It was a four-cylinder,

four-passenger sports car, early 1900s.

But the interesting thing is it had bucket seats.

My great-aunt Emma had one. Hadn’t thought of it in years.

(GIGGLES)

Now that’s all right,

as far as you went. But the valve system...

DARRIN: Ed, to be completely accurate,

The Lexington was hardly one of your first cars.

After all, the internal combustion engine...

The first patent was taken out in 1886 by Gottlieb Daimler.

And credit is generally given to a man named Krebs

for all the features that we find in today’s modern car.

He designed the Panhard in 1894 which...

Right! Would you mind refilling my glass?

Uh, darling, since when have you been so interested In old cars?

Yes, I was wondering that myself.

Well, I’m not. But I was doing some research

In automobiles for a motor car campaign we were doing back on June the 16th, 1963,

and I just picked up a little information here and there.

Picked up? You made a career of it.

My refill, please?

Yes.

Ed. Ed, Darrin tells me that you’re quite a music lover.

Yes, Ed. Tell us about it.

Well, I must say I do pride myself on my knowledge of...

Does your husband know music, Samantha?

Not really, no.

We hope.

Well, you see, I’m particularly interested

in that creative giant, Ludwig Van Beethoven.

(GROANS)

Beethoven? How nice!

You know, there’s an enduring vitality

in all the great music of the classical period.

Now you take Beethoven... Uh, excuse me, Ed,

But as I understand it, Beethoven was what we call

a transition composer. Darrin...

Now, the composers of your classical period were Haydn, Mozart.

Your romantic composers... Chopin, Schumann.

Beethoven and Schubert...

They came in between, therefore, transition... Q.E.D.

Your husband doesn’t know music?

(CHUCKLES) I don’t. Uh, just something I picked up

from the notes on a record album.

You remember, Louise... That album of symphony favorites

you gave to me on my birthday eight years ago.

So now it’s our fault, eh?

Ed, Larry’s been thinking of putting in a wine cellar,

and we don’t know anything about it.

I just wondered if you could advise us

on anything we should get. Oh, boy! (SIGHS)

As a matter of fact... There’s something about French wines I’ll bet

none of you know. In 1875... Darrin!

In a moment, dear. There was a terrible blight In the French vineyards.

Darrin, I’d like to see you in the kitchen.

Right now.

Oh. Well, excuse me, folks.

Back in a minute. Why don’t you take over, Ed?

Thank you.

Now, about that wine cellar.

Now that’s something I really know.

We built one, you know. Well, what has gotten into you?

Honey, isn’t it marvelous? Only a few sessions with that

great little book, and already my memory’s increased a thousand percent!

I can’t imagine what it’ll be like after I finish it.

I dread the thought. What do you mean?

Don’t you see that Ed’s just about ready to kill you?

Why? We have so many interests in common!

Honey, can’t you see? Isn’t it exciting?

It’s total recall. That’s what it is.

And your mother thought I couldn’t handle it. Ha!

My mother?

I haven’t seen my mother in two weeks.

But Darrin has.

Mother?

Mother!

Well! Unbearable, isn’t he?

You did it, didn’t you?

I warned him he’d be

Impossible to live with. You mean, he asked you for the power?

No, no. He thinks he’s doing the whole thing

with that little pointed head of his, and may I say

he’s on the way to becoming

the champion bore of the world.

You take that spell off him.

But, Samantha, I didn’t put the spell on him.

Witch’s honor!

If you didn’t put a spell on him,

then it must be something he has with him... Some object.

What? That’s for me to know And you to find out.

There’s a nice little challenge for you, dear.

Something he’s wearing?

Something he has with him all the time?

Let me know how it comes out.

I’m taking off to Rio.

Really!

Something, something.

Tsk!

No, no, Ed. It wasn’t that way at all.

If you’ll excuse me. Columbia came to the Rose Bowl to play Stanford.

Nobody gave ’em a chance. They played the game in a pouring rain.

It was a scoreless tie in the fourth quarter.

My uncle Max told me all about it when I was a little kid.

Columbia’s coach, Lou Little, had worked out a key play.

At the right moment, Columbia’s quarterback

faded back with the ball, and he threw it!

Oh, I’ll get it, Darrin. You tell Ed all about it.

Well, he threw it to, uh, um...

Uh, what’s his name? It’s right on the tip of my tongue.

Um, what is his name, Ed? Help me!

His name was Barabas... Al Barabas.

He scored a touchdown, they converted,

the final score and you lost $35 to Jess Wallach

when you couldn’t afford it. How about that? Yes!

Well, how’d you know that, Cynthia?

Well, I don’t know. Yes, I do. I’ve heard that story...

Let’s see. Ed and I have been married

15 years. He’s told the story at least twice a week.

That means I would have heard it at least 1,560 times.

What? Oh, I know his fishing story

almost as well. He’s only told that 1,422 times.

All right, Cynthia. Oh, just a minute, darling.

How would you like to hear about orchid raising?

He just started that ten years ago, so he’s only told that 836 times.

I didn’t realize that I monopolize the conversation.

Oh, but you do, darling. Oh, let me tell you

about our tenth anniversary. We decided to go back to Niagara Falls

to recapture romance. We had a lovely view of the falls.

I saw them, but I never heard them.

There was something drowning them out.

Cynthia!

Oh, I’m sorry, Ed.

I shouldn’t have said all that.

But suddenly something came over me,

and, all of a sudden, everything came back.

Was I as bad as that? I didn’t realize.

You mean I go on and on and on about anything, everything?

The way he does?

Oh, gee, everybody,

I’m sorry if I was talking too much.

Sam, was I?

Uh, Samantha, why don’t you give Darrin and Ed

something else to think about, like maybe

some food for thought? Oh, that’s an excellent idea, Larry.

Well, if memory serves, dinner is ready.

Morning, sweetheart. Morning.

Honey, where’s my instant memory book?

Darrin, after all we’ve been through, what do you want that thing for?

I misplaced my watch.

I thought maybe a quick review would help me remember where I left it.

Oh, well, I took it. The strap was broken.

I’m gonna have it fixed. I forgot to tell you.

You see? It’s my memory, not yours.

I have a strange feeling there is something wrong with my memory.

Hmm? All that total recall.

That couldn’t have been entirely from that book.

What conversation did I have with your mother that slipped my mind

like I wish every conversation I had with your mother would?

You suspect my mother?

Tsk! Why, Darrin, I find that hard to believe.

I bet you find it harder to deny.

Mmm, much harder.

But I love you,

so could you try and forget about Mother...

And memory...

And remembering... And concentrate on that, hmm?

Cinch.