Original subtitles

Voila. (INHALES)

Hey, strawberry waffles. (CHUCKLES)

In honor of this historic occasion.

Honey, just because Larry gave me a day off

in the middle of the week, it’s no reason to get historical.

Well, go ahead. Say what you want.

But to me, this is a day to remember, a day of significance.

You know what I think the significance is?

He’s going to ask me to work the weekend.

Well, live. For tomorrow, you work.

Samantha, what have I done to deserve you? Nothing!

And you don’t.

Mother!

Oh, I better run, or I’ll be late for the office.

Oh, wait a minute, now, Darrin. Now, let me explain.

Mother, Darrin’s off today.

I think you’re just noticing it for the first time.

Oh, sweetheart, why don’t you go into the living room and relax?

(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)

Mother, just once, can’t you be nice to Darrin?

Go ahead, take the first step.

You’ll find out that being nice really isn’t so painful.

All right.

Good.

Durwood, dear boy.

I think it’s time we had a talk.

About what?

I mean, I think we should have a better understanding.

I just want to bury the hatchet.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Where?

Ooh!

Oh, isn’t that a darling.

DARRIN: No, it’s a Reactor Mach II.

Tell me, would you like to have a car like this?

Sure, but even if I could afford it, I couldn’t get it. It’s not on the market yet.

Really?

Well, then, close your eyes and hold out your hand.

Hmm.

(EXPLOSION)

Oh, what’s that? Those are the keys to the car you wanted.

Come on, charm boy.

Let’s go see, huh? Come on.

Mornin’, Charlie. Hiya, Joe.

J.J. just stopped me.

Told me the Reactor Mach II has to be ready for the trial run next Monday.

Yeah, a week ought to do it. (SIGHS)

Rough night?

Had a crazy nightmare. I dreamt we had the trial run.

When we opened the hood to let the reporters see it...

The engine was gone. No.

The whole thing was powered by a bunch of squirrels.

Squirrels? (LAUGHS)

Oh, that’s a riot. (CHUCKLES)

Get the hood up, Charlie. We’ll see if we can’t adjust some of those...

(CHUCKLING) Squirrels.

Hey, Joe? Yeah.

I think I’m having another nightmare. The car is gone.

(LAUGHS)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Ho, ho, ho, ho! Sam, isn’t that wild?

Your mother made an exact copy of the Reactor Mach II.

Oh, it’s beautiful. It makes the Batmobile look like a skateboard.

(CHUCKLES)

(WHIRS)

(CHUCKLES) And it’s got a flip-top roof!

Oh, that’s wonderful.

(WHIRRING)

Oh! Electric doors!

DARRIN: How about that? SAM: Yes, how about that?

Darrin, don’t you think you should thank Mo...

(ENGINE REVVING) Oh, listen to that power plant.

There must be a gold mine under that hood. I hope so.

(WHIRRING)

Hydraulic suspension system. Yeah.

And look at that control panel. It’s even got a radar screen.

I don’t think I can bear all this enthusiasm.

See you later, dear.

Darrin, you really should’ve thanked Mother for the car.

Well, I know I should’ve, except for one thing.

What’s that? I can’t take it.

Why not? Honey, you know I can’t accept anything

that’s a product of witchcraft.

But Mother was only being nice.

I know. Would ya look at that steering system?

Darrin, couldn’t you make one little exception?

Honey, if you make one little exception,

before you know it, you’ll make a lot more.

Well, couldn’t you keep it just for a little while? Uh-uh.

Would ya look at that power plant!

Darrin, don’t you realize how hurt Mother’s going to be if you don’t keep it?

Honey, it’s a matter of principle.

Look, if you just accept the car graciously,

maybe she’d stop bugging you.

She will? It’s worth a try.

Okay, I’ll take it, but only for a little while.

And, remember, I’m only doing this for your mother.

JOE: Now, just calm down, Charlie, and go over this step-by-step.

Now, we know the place was locked, right? Right.

And we’re the only ones that have keys, right? Right!

Well, there’s your answer. No one could possibly have gotten in.

You’re talking nonsense! The car is gone, isn’t it?

Is it? What?

I don’t know about you, Charlie, but I am too old to take up another trade!

Do you wanna tell J.J. that $150,000 worth of car is missing?

And five years of research?

Not until we’ve gone over the whole thing step-by-step.

Now, we both know the place was locked, right?

(CHUCKLES)

Now, how am I on that side?

About two feet away. That’s close enough.

It handles like a dream. I can’t wait to get her out on the highway.

It does ride beautifully. Would you like to get behind the wheel?

Uh, the steering column? May I?

Of course.

(MOTOR WHIRRING)

(CHUCKLES) Oh, hon, you better take off your shoes.

Take off my shoes? Your high heels will ruin the carpet.

I’m not wearing high heels.

Oh. (CHUCKLES) Here.

Okay? Yeah.

(WHIRRING)

Whoa! (LAUGHS) Whoa!

This? What are you doing?

Starting the car. What for?

So I can drive it.

Are you kidding? I said you could get behind the wheel, but that’s all.

You, you mean you’re never gonna let me drive it?

Oh, sure. After I’ve broken it in.

After the first 10,000 miles or so.

Honey, do we still have those old army blankets of mine?

Mmm-hmm. What for?

Well, I thought I could put them around the walls of the garage,

protect the finish.

I have a better idea. What?

Why don’t I make a slipcover for it?

What kinda material?

Oh, boy, I... (CHUCKLES) I can’t wait to tell Larry about this car.

He’s gonna turn green with envy.

Isn’t he gonna wonder how you could afford a car like this?

I’ll tell him the truth. What?

I mean I’ll say it was a gift from my mother-in-law,

and I had to accept it to keep peace in the family.

Now, here’s why I think you guys haven’t been on the ball.

The first thing you’ve got to understand...

Uh, say, excuse me a second, Mr. Sheldrake.

You play golf, don’t you? Yes.

Well, it’s a beautiful day. We can still get in nine holes,

and we can talk at the same time.

Only if we play the same ball.

Now, here’s what I think your basic mistake has been.

You just don’t understand the meatpacking business. (PHONE BUZZES)

Yes?

Uh, put him on. I’ll just be a moment.

Well, Darrin boy, how are you enjoying the day off?

Good.

But don’t make any plans for the weekend.

I think we may have an emergency coming up.

No kidding. A new car. Is that right?

(LAUGHS) Sounds wild.

Uh, just a minute. It’s Darrin Stephens.

He wants us to come over and see his new car.

Sounds like something really special.

Tate, I didn’t fly in all the way from Cincinnati to see a new car.

Uh, Darrin, uh, maybe I’ll stop in on my way home.

Right. Bye.

Sounds like an expensive car. I wonder where he got that kinda money.

Can I get back to why I think you fellas are off the track with my product, huh?

Oh, sure, sure.

It’s one of those new experimental jobs.

What is? Stephens’ car.

Has a flip-top roof, hydraulic suspension,

and a 425-horsepower engine.

How’d you like to drive that home?

All I wanna drive home is my point.

Namely, that your ideas for my product have been too routine.

No dash or imagination!

Tate, this is the space age, and Sheldrake wants to be a part of it.

Do I make myself clear?

Yes.

But how do we work sausages into the space age?

That’s your job.

Well... (SIGHS)

Let me see now.

It’s, uh, it’s got hydraulic suspension, huh?

What has?

Stephens’ car.

Tate, can’t you keep your mind on one thing for more than a minute?

(WHIRRING)

"Made in Detroit?"

Charlie, we gotta find some way to explain that car’s disappearance.

You’re right. We gotta find some way.

There’s only one problem. What’s that?

There is no way to explain it.

I mean, what do you say? "Sorry, we lost it."

Reminds me of a guy I know who lost a house.

A house? No kidding. How?

Back taxes.

Charlie, I wish I had your sense of humor.

I’d cut my throat. Now, there’s an idea.

Hi. Car all tucked in?

Mmm-hmm.

Say, I was just looking at the engine...

Would you like some tea? (STUTTERS) Oh, no, thank you.

I was just looking at the engine, and, um,

it was real cute the way you put "Made in Detroit" on it

and a serial number. Makes it look real legitimate.

What do you mean? The car is legitimate.

Of course. You mean a legitimate copy, don’t you?

Where did that car come from?

Darrin. ENDORA: How should I know?

Look in that magazine. That’s where it was when I cast the spell.

You mean it came from Detroit?

What do you think, the stork brought it?

Now listen, you two. I don’t understand.

I do! Your mother gave me a hot car for a present! (GASPS) Mother!

Don’t you look at me like that.

I was just trying to do what’s-his-name a favor.

But to steal a car!

Well, where was I going to get it?

I’m a witch, not a car manufacturer.

Will you do me a favor? What?

The next time you decide to do me a favor, don’t do me any favors!

Stop it.

Darrin, dear, there’s no reason to be in a snit.

Mother just didn’t understand what she was doing.

(STUTTERING) Well, I mean, the worst you can say

is that she was a trifle overeager.

Swell. That car is worth a fortune.

There’s probably an alarm out for it all over the country.

What are we going to tell the police when they catch up with it?

Your mother is an overeager witch?

Well! I’m not going to stay here and listen to this ingrate.

Goodbye, Samantha. I’m off to New Orleans for the Mardi Gras.

Oh, Mother, wait a minute.

Oh, please, Mother. Please come back.

Sam, let her go. She’s caused enough trouble. Oh!

Uh, Mother! Mother, are you listening to me?

You come back here right this second! Sam, I said forget it.

Who needs her? We’ve got trouble enough.

The first thing to do is go out to the garage

and, uh, put that car back where it belongs.

Oh, Darrin, don’t you understand? I can’t.

Mother’s the only one that can bring that car back. Mother! Mother, dear.

Oh, pl... You’re a dear, sweet, wonderful woman. We need you!

Mother? Mother, dear? It’s no use.

You insulted her. I insulted her?

Oh, no. I insulted her.

Well, let’s not stand here quibbling.

The first thing to do is to go out and lock that garage door before...

(DOORBELL RINGS)

It’s too late. The police.

Darrin, pull yourself together.

Open the door!

(CHUCKLES) Hello, Darrin. You know Mr. Sheldrake.

Uh, sure. Yeah, nice to see you again, Stephens.

Oh, nice to see you again, sir. Uh, please come in.

Come on. Oh, hi, Sam! Well, thank you. Thank you very much.

Mr. Sheldrake, I’d, uh, like you to meet my wife.

This is Samantha. How do you do, Mr. Sheldrake?

Well, well, pleased to meet you, Mrs. Stephens.

Can I get you some coffee or something?

Oh, no, thanks. No, no, no. Don’t. Don’t bother, Sam.

Well, sit down. Make yourselves comfortable. Oh, thank you.

We’ve been brainstorming some new ideas for Sheldrake Sausages,

and we thought we’d bounce them off you.

And we’re both anxious to see that car too.

BOTH: Car?

Your new car.

New car.

New car?

Yeah! I’m dying to see that hydraulic suspension system. Where is it?

Uh, where? Uh, uh, well...

Um, uh, the thing is, uh... (CLEARS THROAT)

(STAMMERS) I’ve, uh, just put it to bed.

At noon?

Oh, yes. It’s all tucked in for, for its nap.

We promise not to wake it up.

(ALL LAUGH)

Well, the thing is, um... (CHUCKLES)

It’s, um... Are you trying to say business before pleasure?

Yes! That’s it.

First let me hear some of those ideas you wanna bounce of me.

But watch out for the rebound.

Remember, I’ve had half a day off.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Stephens, let’s look at the car,

and we can talk about it at the same time. Hmm?

Um, well, uh, you see... Darling, you go ahead.

I’ll see if I can contact that party.

Oh. Okay.

It’s in the garage. (CHUCKLES) Oh.

Mother, now I want you to listen to me carefully wherever you are.

Now, I’ve never asked you for anything important.

Well, at least not recently. Not since I asked you to be nice to Darrin.

But now we’re in a terrible spot!

So, uh, would you come back and help us out, please, hmm?

Mother?

Mother, can you hear me?

Oh, boy, are you a stubborn witch.

What did you say?

Well, don’t you get it, Darrin?

"Face the space age with sheldrake sausages." Yeah!

And what better symbol can we use than this car?

The car of the future! Why, it’s perfect!

(STAMMERS) What I’m saying is, um...

What are you trying to say?

Well, uh, since you asked,

I’m not sure that the car is the right symbol.

Stephens, believe me,

I’ll make this the most photographed car in the country.

I’ll go further. I’m positive it’s the wrong symbol.

(CHUCKLES) You see, Mr. Sheldrake?

(CHUCKLES) When you deal with McMann and Tate,

you’re not buying yourself a lot of yes-men.

This boy’s got real integrity.

What are you trying to do, sabotage the account?

Well, now that you had a chance to think it over, Darrin, tell the truth.

Sheldrake’s idea has real magic in it, right, Darrin?

Right.

That’s why I’m against it.

What?

Darrin?

Uh, excuse me.

Any luck? Well, I’m afraid not.

Why is she being so stubborn? Doesn’t she realize the terrible spot I’m in?

You see that? I answered my own question.

Darrin, that’s not quite fair. Mother just didn’t stop to think of the consequences.

Sam, one of the consequences is breathing down my neck right now.

The client wants to use the car as part of his advertising campaign.

Oh, my stars!

Well, just refuse. It’s your car. What?

Well, it’s in your custody.

Sam, I’m going to be in custody if you don’t contact your mother.

If she won’t come back, there’s only one thing I can do.

I’ll have to go find her. All the way to New Orleans?

I’ll only be gone a few minutes. I don’t know if you should.

Here they come. Have a nice trip.

Psst.

Look, Darrin. I think I know what’s bothering you.

You just got the car. It’s brand-new.

And, naturally, you’re concerned about our using it.

Yes, it’s perfectly understandable. Well, as a matter of fact...

So, let’s drop the matter for now, huh,

and maybe, well, uh, later on we’ll see, huh?

Oh, thanks, Larry.

(CHUCKLES) (CLEARING THROAT)

Uh, Mr. Sheldrake has just one little request.

Oh, yes. Could I drive it around the block, hmm?

No!

Uh, no.

Charlie? Hmm?

Whatever we decide to tell J.J., we have to be in complete agreement.

Right. I mean, the important thing is to stick together.

Right, right. United we fall and divided... No, united...

Forget it, and let’s try to find something we can agree on.

Okay, if that’s the way you feel, it’s your car,

and if you don’t want Sheldrake to drive it, that’s your business.

Thank you, Larry, for being so understanding.

But it’s my business to keep our clients happy.

And any employee that doesn’t cooperate

isn’t going to stay in my business.

Is that a threat? Call it a promise.

Mr. Sheldrake, you want to drive my car?

Here are the keys, Mr. Sheldrake. Ah, thanks.

Uh, drive slowly. Watch out for the light.

(STAMMERS) Be very kind to those brakes. They’re very tender.

My boy, I was drivin’ before you were born. (CHUCKLES)

Uh, just once around the block?

I can’t bear to watch this. I’m going in to have a double.

(MOTOR WHIRRING)

(ENGINE STARTS)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Darrin, we’re back.

Sam, you found her! Yes. (CHUCKLES)

You don’t look too well. And I have you to thank for it.

Well, if that’s the way you’re going to act, I’m going right...

Mother, Mother, please, wait.

Darrin, Mother came all the way

from the Mardi Gras, New Orleans, just to help you.

Don’t ask me why. All right, I’m sorry.

Just put that car back where it belongs, please.

No, she will, she will. Just don’t bug her.

What are you doing? Shh. She has to concentrate.

Wait a minute! Not now!

(EXPLOSION)

What did you do that for?

Isn’t that what you wanted? No!

He’s too much!

Samantha, don’t you re...

Isn’t Sheldrake back yet?

Larry, I’m afraid he went a little further than we expected.

Oh. Oh, my stars!

So, we’re in complete agreement, right? Right.

You’re gonna go to Peru, and I’m takin’ off for Brazil.

And if anybody asks, we never even heard of the car.

We never even heard of each other. Right!

(ENGINE RUNNING)

Hi, there.

Sheldrake’s the name. Sausage is my game.

Charlie. Hmm?

Here’s something we can agree on.

I won’t say anything about this if you don’t.

Right. Right.

Has the pounding gone away?

Oh, yeah. And it changed to a low thump.

I feel terrible about this. I don’t understand.

A responsible man, head of a big company.

And he just drives off with your car.

Oh, well, Larry, you know these rich men.

They’re so eccentric. But I know how much that car is worth.

Well, Darrin isn’t worried. Why should you be?

He’s not worried? No.

I’m sick. Mmm.

Oh, Darrin. (PHONE RINGING)

Oh, excuse me.

Hello?

No, this is Mrs. Stephens.

Oh, uh, Mr. Sheldrake.

Where are you?

At the airport?

What’s he doing there? And what... What about the car?

(STUTTERING) Mr. Sheldrake,

there’s something I’d like to try and explain to you,

but, uh, I’m not absolutely sure how to g...

What’s that?

You have?

You were?

You are?

Oh, why... Why, Mr. Sheldrake, that sounds wonderful!

Yes. (STUTTERS) All right.

Goodbye.

Well, what is it? What happened to him? What about the car?

(STUTTERS) Uh, he took a slight detour.

Just going around the block?

He said that someday when he figured it out for himself,

he’d tell you all about it.

What?

He also said to go ahead and use the car in the advertising campaign.

He has the rights to it.

(STAMMERS) But... How did he get them?

Well, it seems he ran into the two men who designed it.

(SCOFFS) I don’t understand anything about this,

but it’s okay with me. (LAUGHS)

He sure flipped over that car, didn’t he?

Yeah, he flipped, all right. Oh, he certainly did.

Yeah, he said it’s a great experimental car,

and they’ll have no trouble getting it off the ground.

Hmm?

Well, that’s what he said.

Mmm-hmm. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)