Original subtitles

Ooh, we’re going to have such fun!

Oh, I just can’t wait. Now I’ll get all these buttons buttoned.

Hello, you exquisite, brilliant, charming, perfect, little witch-let!

(CHUCKLES) Hello, Samantha. Hello, Mother.

Good-bye, Mother. Where are you going?

Tabatha and I are going to see Hoho the Clown.

Who, what and why is Hoho the Clown?

Ah, that’s your granddaughter’s favorite television show.

Uh, Darrin’s agency represents the sponsor,

and he gave us tickets to see it in person, so we’re go...

Oh, dear. Tsk. Where did I put them?

Samantha, I’m surprised at you,

taking a child of Tabatha’s breeding to a kiddie show?

A ballet, yes.

A drama by Shakespeare, perhaps. But that ho, ho, hee, hee, ha business.

Oh, no. Now, if you prefer something in a lighter vein,

well, we could pop over to Paris

and ride up the River Seine in a Bateau Mouche.

Maybe some other time. We have a previous engagement.

Oh, and I just flew over from Edinburgh to play with my little granddaughter.

Well, I’m sorry, Mother,

but Tabatha and I are going to see Hoho the Clown.

Well, very well. I’ll go with you.

Uh, well, Mother, you’d hate every minute of it.

Now, can you see yourself sitting for an hour surrounded by children?

Yes. I always enjoy seeing

how inferior other children are to my Tabby-Tabby-Tabbykins.

Besides, we only have two tickets.

Count again.

Tsk! Mother.

Yes, dear?

You’re a stubborn woman.

You’re a good ticket-zapper, but you’re a stubborn woman.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYING)

You sure Richard Burton started like this? (LAUGHS)

Is that Hobo the Clown?

Not Hobo, Mother, Hoho.

When is he going to be funny? In a minute, when the show starts.

Hi, it’s Hoho the Clown! Ho, ho, ho! (KIDS CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

Brought to you five times a week, Monday through Friday,

by the Solow Toy Company.

Take it from Hoho! Buy Solow! Hey!

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

Oh... He’s revolting.

And now, boys and girls, ho, ho, ho, ho,

on with the show, show, ho, ho.

(KIDS CHEERING ON TV)

Darrin, I want you to read this memo I received from...

Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho. What are you doing?

I’m watching Hoho the Clown. (SIGHS)

Now, that’s what I call loyalty to the client.

I’ve tried to watch him, but every time I hear those ho, ho, hos,

I wanna punch him right in the no-no-nose.

There they are! There they are on television!

LARRY: There who are? My wife, my daughter and my mother-in-law.

How did my mother-in-law get there?

Ho, ho, ho! It’s me again.

And guess what I got.

I got balloons!

Ho, ho! I got, I got, I got,

I got lots of balloons.

Balloons for everybody! Whoo!

And here! I got a balloon for you.

Isn’t that nice? Ho, ho!

And I got another balloon for you.

And I got a balloon for you. Oops! There’s one.

Here’s one for you. And I got a balloon for you.

Ho, ho! And I got a balloon for you.

And a balloon for you. Ho, ho, ho!

And here’s one for you. And here’s one for you.

Ho, ho! And here’s one for you!

And here’s another one for you. And for you.

Why didn’t he give Tabatha a balloon? Mother, we’re on television.

She’s the most outstanding child in this entire audience.

And now,

does anybody know what time it is? (KIDS CHEERING)

That’s right. It’s time for the Hoho hope chest!

And the Hoho hope chest...

Is chock-full of lots and lots of toys and games!

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

Manufactured by the Solow Toy Company.

Now, every boy and girl

has a Hoho the Clown badge with a number on it!

And in just 60 seconds,

one of those numbers is gonna be the lucky number

that wins all of the prizes in the Hoho hope chest!

Ah!

(CHEERING)

MAN: And now, boys and girls, it’s time

for an exciting message from the Solow Toy Company.

Where’s Tabatha’s badge? Oh, she doesn’t have one.

Why not? Because she’s related to Darrin.

Well, I admit that’s a mark against her,

but it’s hardly her fault.

I mean because Darrin’s connected with the show,

she’s not eligible for the Hoho hope chest.

Who says so? Oh, it’s an established policy.

Well, I think it’s very unfair.

They have no right to penalize my granddaughter.

They’re not penalizing her, Mother. I told you.

Well, I don’t care. She’ll be very disappointed.

No, she won’t. Now stop it. Stop making something out of nothing.

Oh, hi, there! It’s me again.

And now, is everybody ready

to see who won all the prizes in the Hoho hope chest?

(CHEERING)

So, I "ho-fully" mix up the numbers,

and we pick a winner!

And the winning number is...

Twelve!

Here! Right over here! This little girl right here!

(GASPS) Mother!

Ho, ho, ho... Ha, ha. (MUTTERS)

Your child shouldn’t win the Hoho hope chest.

I know.

I guess the program staff goofed.

Yeah! I guess the program staff goofed.

I guess the program staff goofed. Come on, Sam!

I know it was your mother, and you know it was your mother.

I guess it was my mother. As usual, she’s out to destroy me.

Oh, Darrin, she’s not out to destroy you.

She was simply being a... A fun-loving witch?

Well, yes. And a doting grandmother.

Besides, when you tell Larry that as soon as the show went off the air,

I found the producer and asked him to give the toys to charity,

there’ll be no repercussions.

Because we did not take the Hoho hope chest ho-ho-home.

I hope you’re right.

Oh, I know I’m right. The incident is closed.

You’re kidding.

No, I’m afraid I’m deadly serious.

If the little girl who won yesterday’s hope chest...

Is not in today’s studio audience, I refuse to go on.

Why?

Because I like her.

Well, Hoho, this isn’t logical.

Doesn’t have to be logical.

Well, why not?

Because I’m a star.

Darrin, we have an emergency.

I just got a call from the producer of Hoho the Clown.

And? And Hoho refuses to work unless,

"That cute little doll"

that won yesterday’s Hoho hope chest is in today’s studio audience.

You mean Tabatha?

No Tabatha, no show.

No show, no commercials. No commercials, no client.

What is it, Darrin, some kind of a practical joke to amuse my ulcer?

This is the first time I’ve ever heard of it. Honestly, I tell ya.

You have no time to tell me anything.

Just have Sam get Tabatha over to the studio immediately,

as a personal favor to the president of the company.

You want some milk, hmm?

Thank you. (PHONE RINGING)

Hello? Why?

Because Hoho the Clown refuses to go on unless she’s there.

Oh, no!

Darrin, you know what I think?

I think Mother did more than monkey around with Hoho’s hope chest.

I think she monkeyed around with Hoho himself.

What’s she saying? Well, nothing. She’s, um, uh, she’s...

My suggestion is to let Hoho not go on

because, if he’s under one of Mother’s spells,

I can’t vouch for what might happen.

Is she giving you a hard time? Oh, not exactly, Larry.

She suggests that...

Sam, this is Larry.

Will you please bring Tabatha over to the studio immediately?

Or I’ll send Darrin home immediately, unemployed.

(STAMMERS) Good-bye.

Well, now that that’s all settled,

let’s you and I go over to the studio and see what this

monkey business is all about.

Mother! Mother?

Oh, goodness.

Tabatha, you and I have got to go somewhere.

Ooh! That’s a little fast for ya, huh?

But, Samantha, you’re a witch!

If Endora put a spell on Hoho, are you sure you can’t

snap him out of it?

Yes, positive. No, she has to do it herself.

There’s a long, technical explanation,

but what it boils down to

is that if a licensed witch puts a spell on someone,

she has squatter’s rights to him.

Oh, boy. You’d better sit down.

Oh. Oh, aren’t you gonna sit with us?

No, I’m gonna sit with Larry in the control booth. Oh, all right.

See ya later. Yeah, yeah.

Hi, Hoho. Hi, sweetie.

Hello, Tate. Oh, Mr. Solow.

What a pleasant surprise. What brings you here?

I come every Friday like clockwork to make sure you’re giving me my money’s worth.

Mmm-hmm. Uh, Darrin, Mr. Solow,

owner of the Solow Toy Company.

May I present one of McMann and Tate’s most creative

young executives, Mr. Darrin Stephens.

How do you do, sir? Likewise. Now let’s watch Hoho the Clown.

Ho, ho, ho! I’m Hoho the Clown.

Ho, ho! (APPLAUSE)

Brought to you five days a week, Monday through Friday,

by the Solow Toy Company.

Ho, ho! Take it from Hoho. Buy a Solow!

Ho! (APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

Boys and girls, we’re gonna change our format today.

Instead of doing the show for the entire audience,

we’re gonna play it to just one member.

And where is she?

Ho, ho! There she is! Oh, Mr. Cameraman,

Would you get a shot of this cute little doll sitting on her mother’s lap?

Oh! Darrin, did you change the format?

No, I wouldn’t do that without your approval.

I liked the format the way it was. Ho, ho!

Oh, isn’t she pretty?

Ooh, don’t touch Hoho’s nose.

You know why? Because I’m gonna make sure

that you win all the prizes.

You’re gonna win all the prizes from the Hoho hope chest

and all of the other prizes too.

Nobody else is going to win anything.

He can’t give all the prizes to one kid!

It’s un-American!

Ho, ho! (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Ho, ho, ho.

Who is she? Who is that kid that’s ruining my program?

And now, boys and girls, ho, ho, ho, ho,

on with the show, show.

Ho, ho! I have no idea.

Do you, Darrin? No.

No, I never saw her before in my life.

Darrin? What?

It’s Saturday. Instead of sitting inside,

why don’t you go out and get some fresh air?

Good idea. I’ll take a walk in the traffic.

With any kind of luck, the headline will read,

"Death comes to the father of girlfriend of Hoho the Clown."

Darrin.

I have an idea.

After Tabatha wakes up from her nap, why don’t we take her to Kiddieland?

Why, so she can hand out autographs as a TV star?

Well, she’d hardly be famous as the result of one television show!

Don’t count on it. The complaints must be pouring in.

And when they discover that Tabatha is my daughter,

they’ll think that the television show was rigged,

leading to an investigation by the FCC,

where I will decline to answer questions on the grounds

that my wife and my mother-in-law are witches!

Okay.

If you don’t feel like Kiddieland, let’s go to the zoo.

Samantha.

Well...

Sam, I wanna talk to your mother!

So do I. So do I.

I’ve been calling her and calling her,

and she will not answer.

Uh, maybe she went away for the weekend.

Would you like me to look for her? Please.

Her two favorite cities are Paris and Rome.

I’ll try Paris first.

She wasn’t in Paris.

Uh-huh. What took you so long?

I couldn’t find a cab.

Uh, now I’ll try Rome. You wait right there.

Where else would I go? (PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Oh, hi, Mrs. Kravitz.

Oh, you saw Tabatha on the Hoho the Clown show.

Yeah. She was kind of cute, wasn’t she?

You want me to get you on the Build Your Castle show?

Because you need a refrigerator and a rotisserie?

You want me to put in the fix for you on the Build Your Castle show

the way I did for Tabatha on Hoho?

Mrs. Kravitz, I did not put in the fix for Tabatha on the Hoho show!

I have never put in the fix for anybody on any show

that I’ve been connected with!

I think I’ll go take another look around the Colosseum.

Samantha, come back here!

Uh, she went back to Rome.

Uh, to roam around the house again.

Mrs. Kravitz, I’m afraid there’s some mistake.

Any show that I’ve been connected with has been strictly

on the up and up.

If you want a refrigerator and a rotisserie,

you’ll just have to go out and buy one.

Samantha!

Yes? See, that is the kind of thing I’m in for!

Mother! Mother!

(HORSE WHINNYING)

(HORSE SNORTS)

Uh, Mrs. Stephens? Uh, yes.

I’m Hoho the Clown. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho?

Oh! (LAUGHS)

I got your name and address from my producer. How’s your daughter?

Oh, she’s just fine, thank you.

You look a little different without your makeup.

I know. Oh, well, you can’t be on all the time.

Who’s your friend? Oh, she’s a present...

For my cute little doll!

Where is she? Ho, ho, ho!

Oh, hi there, Mr. Stephens, sweetie!

How’s your daughter? Oh, she’s fine, Hoho.

What’s with the pony? She’s a present for my cute little doll!

Ho, ho! Would you hold her, please?

Is she housebroken?

For what she cost me, she should be.

I used the money that I laid aside for my wife’s birthday present.

Why?

Beats me.

For some reason or other, your kid has gotten under my skin.

I can’t stop thinking about her. It’s like I’m in her power.

You’re not in her power. You’re in... Darrin.

Oh. Uh, these are for her too.

And this too. (CHUCKLES)

Where is she? I’m longing to be near her!

Darrin, why don’t you go upstairs and get Tabatha?

I’ll, uh, take the pony outside.

Come on.

I’m gonna see her! I’m gonna see my cute little doll!

Hoo, hoo, hee, hee! (CHUCKLES)

Ho, ho, ho! Ho!

Mother! Mother, I want to see you!

Mother, if you don’t come here right this second,

I’ll never let you see Tabatha again.

Samantha, I’m surprised at you.

Stooping to blackmail? Shh!

Where have you been? I’m spending the weekend in Mexico City.

Oh, well, I never would have looked there.

Care for a bite of taco, dear?

No!

Mother, I’m very annoyed with you!

About what?

(GASPS) Darwin needs a haircut.

I am in no mood for any of your jokes.

I am annoyed with you because of what you did to Hoho the Clown.

Oh, that!

Hasn’t it worn off?

Worn off? It’s worse!

Now, Mother, he’s in there. Now, I want you to take that spell off immediately,

without any further ado!

Oh!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m getting back to Mexico City.

I’m lunching with a very handsome bullfighter.

Adios, muchacha.

Ole.

Here she is, Hoho. Here’s your cute little doll.

What’s so cute about her? You’ve seen one kid, you’ve seen them all.

Did I bring a pony in here?

Ah, where’s my pony?

It just happened to... Sam, what happened?

(DOORBELL RINGS) Well, I uh,

Here, honey.

Mmm-hmm. Uh, excuse me, Hoho.

It’s your daughter, Stephens. I hired a detective,

and he found out it’s your daughter.

When Mr. Solow called me at the club and told me, I was shocked beyond belief!

I couldn’t speak. Words failed me.

Aha, look who’s here.

Uh, hi, sponsor, baby. Ho, ho, ho, ho?

Don’t "ho, ho" me, you ingrate. You and Stephens here have

entered into a conspiracy

to drive the Solow Toy Company out of business!

After all I’ve done for you.

As close as we’ve been, like father and son.

Darrin, if you needed money, if you needed toys,

why didn’t you come to me and say so?

Larry, are you trying to say that you knew nothing about this?

Yes.

Effective immediately,

the Hoho the Clown program is hereby canceled.

But you can’t do that to the children of America.

You have no alternative. And I have no alternative

but to ask you to tender your resignation.

Darrin, you’re through!

So is my account with McMann and Tate.

Mr. Solow, that won’t be necessary now that Stephens is no longer with the agency.

I want you to know I consider his actions illegal,

unethical, shocking...

Sam, what did you do? I had to do something.

I froze them so you and I can discuss how to get out of this.

Is the spell off Hoho? Oh, yes, yes.

We just have to figure out a way to bail him and you out.

Let’s see. We can say, uh...

We can say... No.

(GASPS) We can say it’s a publicity stunt!

A publicity stunt! Yeah.

For what? Uh...

For a cute little doll.

They look like twins!

Well, thank you.

Uh, now I have to make Hoho believe he was all part of it.

Honey, what do I say?

Well, let’s see. Uh, well,

I’ll start the ball rolling, then you take over and run with it.

Mmm-hmm. Oh, hold it.

...Disgusting, despicable and humiliating.

Mr. Solow, my husband would like you to meet

the newest member of the Solow family, the Tabatha doll.

The what? The Tabatha doll.

Uh, Darrin thought of it, and I designed it...

In my spare time, using our daughter as the model.

Then Hoho put the real Tabatha on television

and played favorites with her to create public interest.

It was a publicity stunt to promote a new product.

Uh, yeah, and I went along with it just to help out the sponsor,

even though it temporarily hurt my image.

Well, why wasn’t I consulted?

Well, because, uh...

Tate? Yes, sir?

Shut up!

You know something?

This is a pretty cute little doll.

And that was a pretty cute publicity stunt.

And these are two pretty clever fellas, huh?

They sure are. And, Tate?

Yes, sir?

You were gonna fire him.

Me, sir? Tate, I think you should offer

your humble apologies, and include Mrs. Stephens.

I think she’s pretty clever too.

Oh, hi, darling!

Hi, sweetheart. What are you doing home so early?

I sneaked away to watch Hoho the Clown with you.

Well, isn’t that nice? (CHUCKLES)

Is he gonna reveal the publicity stunt? Mmm-hmm.

And he’s going to say, "In the interest of fair play,

"every loyal viewer who called in or wrote in to complain,

"will receive, absolutely free, a brand-new Tabatha doll."

Ta-ta-da.

Oh, quick! Come here. Oh.

Just sit down. Come on. Sit, like I told you.

If you’re gonna watch it, you have to sit.

Ho, ho, ho! I’m Hoho the Clown!

(KIDS BOOING)

All you wonderful booers will be happy to know

that each and every one of you will receive a new Tabatha doll,

absolutely free!

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

You know, that’s rather a cute idea. Whose was it?

Larry’s.

Although I persuaded Mr. Solow to keep his account with us. (CHUCKLING)

Say, why is Hoho’s picture... And mine is, uh...

Darling, oh... TABATHA: Ta-ta-da.

Well? I don’t know.

I fixed it this morning. Well, I’ll just fix it again.

Hello, Durwood.

Sam, about your mother.

(STUTTERING) Well, Darrin, I didn’t know any, uh...

Not in front of the baby.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)