Original subtitles

TV NEWSCASTER: Ladies and gentlemen,

this photograph of the moon’s surface was taken two months ago

by a camera aboard an unmanned space capsule.

Today, space technicians at the Cape

are hopeful that this view of the moon and even closer ones

will be seen for the first time by human eyes.

(VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRING)

Sam, not now! I’m watching the moon probe.

What? The moon probe! I’m watching the moon probe.

When you turn the vacuum on, the set goes flooey.

I can’t see! (SOFTLY) I can’t see.

Can’t you do that later?

Sweetheart, I’ve been waiting for weeks to give the house a thorough cleaning.

These rugs are filthy!

How can you worry about the dirt on the rugs

when we’re about to see the surface of the moon?

The moon could use a vacuuming too, all that dust.

Ugh! We have now received word from the Cape

that the orbit and attitude of the space capsule are perfect.

In a matter of hours, astronauts aboard the spacecraft

will have the closest view of the moon ever seen

by the naked eye, thus bringing nearer the day

when men will actually land on the moon.

Honey, why don’t you forget about the housework for a while?

Watch this with me. It’s pretty interesting,

even for a sophisticated witch like you.

Well, I’d like to, darling, but I just, I just can’t.

It’s like having a ringside seat for the discovery of America.

Aren’t you interested?

Well, certainly I’m interested. But it’s the same

elliptical orbit, isn’t it?

I mean, except that this time the pilots will see for themselves

the mile-high dust drifts and the lunar craters.

I am more interested in getting the refrigerator straightened out,

the oven scrubbed, the attic cleaned, and the rugs vacuumed.

Anyway, I’ve seen the moon.

She’s seen the moon.

She’s seen the moon?

No, that’s impossible.

With her, nothing’s impossible.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Larry, I’d like to ask you something.

Is it more important than Jack Nicklaus getting an eagle on a 550-yard five par?

What do you think about the moon? I think it’s very nice.

Easy, now. Stroke it easy. You’ve got a downhill lie.

I mean, about getting there. You really want to know what I think?

Okay, I’ll tell you what I think.

I think that the moon is very important.

But I wish they’d stop spending my money to get there.

Oh, come on, Larry. Be serious.

I am serious!

Do you realize how big my tax bill is going to be this year?

Larry, it’s for the advancement of science,

new frontiers, progress!

Look, don’t get me wrong. If they could just say "Alicazam,"

snap their fingers and get there, I’d be all for it.

Well, that’s close.

What?

Uh, nothing.

I say forget it.

(PEOPLE APPLAUDING ON TV)

Larry, um, I know this is going to sound ridiculous,

but just suppose someone knew of a way of getting to the moon

without spending all that money.

What do you think he should do about it?

I think he should go right down to the authorities and tell them what he knows.

I think it would be his patriotic duty.

(MUMBLING) That’s what I was afraid you’d say.

But before he does it, I’ll tell you what I think he should do.

I think he should go home, take a good, stiff drink,

a couple of aspirin, and try to get some sleep.

Well, Larry, it was just a hypothetical question.

(CHUCKLES) Of course it was.

And furthermore, I don’t think this person should come to work tomorrow

until he’s gotten all of this stupid nonsense out of his skull!

Well, I really got a rise out of you, didn’t I?

I was just putting you on.

Really, Samantha, it’s getting harder and harder to tell the difference

between you and an ordinary household drudge.

Well, I’m sorry, Mother, but as long as you insist

upon popping in unannounced, you’ll just have to take me as I am.

I must say I can’t see where I went wrong.

I brought you up as a proper witch,

taught you the best incantations,

and here you are, married to a mortal,

doing the most menial tasks.

A fallen woman.

All right, Mother. Out with it. What’s on your mind?

I want you to come shopping with me.

Ah, so that’s what all this is about, to get me to come shopping with you.

Well, if I’d simply invited you, Samantha, you would have refused.

I’m afraid I have to, anyway. I can’t leave Tabatha.

I’ve already installed Hagatha upstairs to baby-sit.

Mother, I have to clean the house. Good.

Now, let’s compromise.

I’ll let you clean the house as a drudge,

but only after you come shopping with me.

Well, all right.

But we mustn’t be gone more than two hours. Now, promise.

Marvelous. We’d better change, dear.

Oh, Mother. Wait a minute.

Where are we going? It’s Sunday. All the stores are closed.

Not where I’m taking you. Follow me.

Nice of you to pop in, ladies.

Oh, Mother.

You didn’t tell me we were going to Tokyo. I’ll never trust you again.

Darling, you said yourself the shops were all closed back home.

Here it isn’t Sunday.

We’ve just crossed the international dateline.

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

(JAPANESE CONTINUES)

I am so happy to see you again.

This is my daughter Samantha. How do you do?

(JAPANESE CONTINUES)

I am honored to make your acquaintance, Samantha-san.

Your mother and I have been longtime friends.

I’ve just come for some of your marvelous tea,

Watanabe-san.

Of course. Just a moment, please.

I keep in back for my special customers.

(LAUGHING)

He’s a warlock? Tokyo chapter.

And his tea is absolutely out of this world.

After this, we will go to a marvelous restaurant.

(GASPS) They make the most divine squid mousse.

Well, um, I guess I should be going home.

I’ll see you at the office tomorrow.

Darrin. What?

That’s the closet.

Well, there’s nothing like a little trip to Japan

to break up the morning.

Now, just let us relax

and have a cup of this marvelous warlock tea.

Mother, dear, you are incorrigible.

Now, we’ve been gone all day.

And now you want me to sit down and have tea.

I have to get the house clean. What am I gonna tell Darrin?

Well, tell him our rickshaw got caught in a traffic jam.

I’m certainly not going to mention Japan.

Then don’t. Do you have to give a schedule of where you’ve been

every day, minute by minute?

Well, of course not. It’s a, um,

look, if I don’t get started with the cleaning, I’ll never get done.

You’re welcome to stay.

And watch you do battle with grease and grime? (LAUGHS)

No, thank you.

Well, ta-ta, darling.

Enjoy your tea. (CHUCKLES)

Now, the vacuuming and the attic.

Oh, I’ll never make it.

Vacuum cleaner, I have a problem.

I can spend four hours pushing you around and cleaning

the attic.

In which case I won’t have any time to spend with Darrin,

or I can, um...

Well, you know, get it all done in a flash

and relax for the rest of the afternoon with my husband.

What do you think? Should I or shouldn’t I?

(WHIRRING)

Well, I thought you’d agree.

Now, that dusty, old attic.

Sam, I’m home. I’ll be right there.

Are you still vacuuming?

Now, that’s what I call really automatic.

Sam?

(WHIRRING STOPS) Sam!

I thought we agreed that housework was to be done in the usual manner.

Oh, I must have left the motor on.

You also must have left detailed instructions.

What happened to you? I’ve been upstairs cleaning the attic.

It’s very dirty up there, see?

Did you clean the attic the same way you were vacuuming the rug?

Oh, Darrin, really.

I just wanted us to have some time together,

and I thought I wouldn’t be finished in time, so I...

A little, uh... (WHISTLES)

Yes, just a little.

By the way, where have you been? I called you from Larry’s.

Why are you questioning me like this?

I’m not questioning you. I just want to know

what you did while I was gone.

Minute by minute?

Any way you like.

Well, let’s see.

First, I cleaned the left side of the refrigerator.

Then I cleaned the right side. Sam!

You’re deliberately not answering my question.

I do not like being cross-examined by my husband.

What is that? What’s what?

That, that. Oh, this?

That’s, yeah. Nothing.

Do you usually wrap nothing in white tissue paper?

Um Darrin,

Mother came over

and we went out to lunch at a nice little Japanese tea room.

And that’s the last question I’m going to answer

until you apologize.

Sam, please. One more question?

Where did you go?

You want to know where I went? Yes.

All right, I’ll tell you. To the moon!

And one of these days...

Ooh!

(WHISTLES)

Ah, how are you, Mr. Stephens? What’ll it be today?

Heartburn, headaches, lower back pains, nasal congestion?

You name it, I can fix it.

It’s nothing like that. I wanna ask a favor.

Well, uh Could you analyze these?

Analyze? What kind of analyze?

Look, Mr. Stephens. I’m a druggist, not a chemical engineer.

If I was a chemist, would I be open on Sunday afternoon?

That’s the whole point. All the laboratories are closed,

and I want to find out what this stuff is as soon as possible.

It, uh...

It’s a matter of national importance.

Looks like dust.

It looks like dust.

I want you to find out what that really is.

You mean, you might be allergic?

Oh, that’s right, Mr. Grand. I’m afraid I’m allergic.

And this, by you, is of national importance?

Mr. Grand, just find out what it is.

And this one,

that’s supposed to be tea.

You’re a good customer, Mr. Stephens.

I’ll see what I can do, but I don’t promise I can do anything this afternoon.

My wife’s brother is coming from out of town,

and, to my wife, he’s of national importance.

So I’m closing the store an hour earlier.

Well, as soon as you can. I’ll be by first thing in the morning.

And thank you, Mr. Grand.

"Darrin, since you insist

"on knowing where I am every minute of the day,

"Tabatha and I have gone to the market to pick up a few things for dinner.

"Any further questions will have to wait until we get home. Sam."

Terrible. Terrible.

I feel like a stool pigeon,

An informer.

Spying on my own wife.

Oh.

What happens if that stuff actually turns out to be from the moon?

What do I do then?

Report it to NASA?

MAN: Of course, you know we don’t waste time here at NASA.

We’re in a race to the moon with the Russians, and we’re going to win. Right, Frank?

Right, Ed. Look, I can’t give...

I can’t give you these unless you promise

not to ask me where I got them.

What is this, Stephens, conditions,

when the prestige of our country is involved?

I can’t reveal my...

I cannot reveal my sources.

Unless you agree, no deal.

Mr. Stephens, why should we want to pry into your private affairs?

Why, that’s ridiculous, isn’t it, Ed? Of course. Ridiculous.

Now, Mr. Stephens, what’s in the envelope?

(CHUCKLES) well, it looks like house dust and tea, but I...

Tea, huh? We’ll find out about that.

Run them through the lab, Frank. Right, Ed.

ED: Moon dust and lunar tea.

FRANK: All right, Stephens. That’s it. Where’d you get it?

I can’t tell you. ED: Cut the jazz, Stephens.

You’re in serious trouble.

FRANK: Where’d you get it? I won’t tell you.

ED: Who gave it to you? No one!

Does anybody else know about this? No!

You’re lying. What did you tell him?

I said it was his patriotic duty to go to the authorities

and tell them everything he knew.

Tell them, Darrin.

I can’t.

They won’t let me watch the golf tournament if you don’t tell them.

(GROANS)

Don’t try to worm out of this. We know all about you, Stephens.

We have an account of your activities, hour by hour.

Listen. I’m just a simple neighborhood druggist

who has to stay open Sunday afternoons.

Never mind about that. What about him?

Oh, such a nice man. Lovely wife, an adorable daughter.

Funny name, though. Who could know that he was a spy?

Your wife. What does she know about this?

Nothing. I swear she knows nothing about it.

ED: Then where did you get it? I refuse to answer

on the grounds that it might tend to incriminate she.

Me! Ah-ha! She is involved! Bring her in, Frank.

Right, Ed. No!

FRANK: All right, Stephens, who’s this woman?

DARRIN: I never saw her before in my life...

FRANK: Next. How about this one?

DARRIN: Her, I’ve seen.

Oh, Darrin, how could you? What’s going to become of Tabatha?

Sam, I’m sorry. I tried to protect you, but they wormed it out of me!

We were only gone for a little while. Mother wanted to get some tea.

You see? You wouldn’t listen to me.

That’s what comes of marrying a mortal. They’re so nosy and suspicious.

Always wanting to know what you’re going to do every minute of the day.

Well, you’re right, Mother. You’re absolutely right.

I must admit it. He was suspicious. He did ask questions.

No, no!

Yes, yes!

FRANK: All right, Mrs. Stephens, it’s time.

ED: Come along, Mrs. Stephens. It’s time.

Oh, no, no. Not yet, please. Just one more minute.

FRANK: NASA can’t wait, Mrs. Stephens. We’re in a race.

It’s time! Leave her alone! It’s my fault!

For once, you’re right, Dagwood. It is your fault.

Oh, Darrin, Darrin, Darrin.

Darrin? Darrin? Darrin? Darrin? It’s all my fault. No, no!

Wake up. Darrin. (MUTTERING)

Oh, Sam. Sam! You’re, you’re here.

They didn’t take you. Who?

The NASA man. NASA man?

That’s a new one. Is it anything like bogeyman?

Oh, relax, sweetheart. You just had a bad dream.

Oh. Well, yeah.

Where’s Tabatha? She’s upstairs asleep.

What were you dreaming about? Well, the NASA men.

The space agency. They were giving me the third degree

about where did I get the moon dust.

Moon dust? Yeah.

And your mother was there, and Larry Tate was there, and Grand,

Grand! What’s Grand?

Max Grand. The druggist. I gave him the dust and the tea

to be analyzed.

Sam, why did you have to go to the moon, especially after we just talked about it?

Darrin, are you sure you’re awake? Come on, Sam.

I know all about it. While I was at Larry Tate’s this morning,

you and your mother went to the moon.

And when you came back, you were covered with moon dust

and you had that package of lunar tea!

Oh, for heaven’s sake!

And when I came back,

when I came back from Larry’s, and I said, "Samantha, where have you been,"

did you not say, and I quote, "To the moon"?

Darrin, if I told you I’d been to the north star, would you believe me?

I was only kidding. Sam, when any other woman says,

"I’ve been to the moon," you figure that’s just a figure of speech.

But when you say, "I’ve been to the moon,"

Well, that’s something else altogether.

When I saw that dust, I knew you’d been to the moon. Darrin. Darrin.

Mother came by and she insisted I go shopping with her.

Shop, Sam.

It’s Sunday. All the stores are closed. Not in Japan.

In Japan, it’s Monday.

And that’s where we went, and that’s all there is to it.

Japan? Are you asking me to believe that?

You believe I went to the moon, and you don’t believe I went

to Japan?

You said you went to the moon. Only because I was so annoyed at you for asking

so many silly questions.

So you haven’t been to the moon?

Not recently, no.

Sam!

I swear and affirm that I have not left the Earth today.

Really? Mmm-hmm.

Really, really? Really, really.

Oh, darling! That’s marvelous.

Oh. I don’t even feel so bad about being such a fool with Mr. Grand.

Imagine, giving him ordinary house dust to analyze.

Ooh, I bet he thinks you’re spooky. Yeah.

Ordinary house dust and ordinary Japanese tea.

(LAUGHING)

Uh, Darrin. Darrin, it isn’t ordinary Japanese tea.

Mmm.

What, um, what is it?

It’s, it’s warlock tea.

It’s warlock tea. It’s warlock tea!

Oh, Sam! Well, Darrin,

Mr. Grand is gonna analyze it, and he’s going to think...

I don’t know what he’s going to think.

Well, I don’t think there’s anything to worry about.

He’ll just think it’s something he’s never seen before,

and that’ll be the end of that.

Yeah, yeah. I hope you’re right. Oh. Hmm.

(PHONE RINGING) I don’t think you’re right. Hello?

Mr. Stephens, about that matter of national importance,

the stuff that looks like house dust,

it is house dust. No microfilm, no nothing.

Just house dust.

Well, thank you for your trouble, Mr. Grand. You...

But that other stuff, the stuff that looks like tea...

That was a mistake. That is tea.

Ah, that’s where you’re wrong.

I put it through every test I’ve got.

And there’s something in it that is definitely not tea.

I even showed it to my brother-in-law, the one from Nassau.

NASA? Your brother-in-law’s from NASA?

Yeah. He’s visiting us for the weekend with the kids.

Uh, Mr. Grand, don’t do another thing.

Just forget about it. You’ve gone to enough trouble.

Oh, no trouble at all. Look, we’ve got to pass your place on the way home.

We’ll drop it off. See you in a few minutes. Mr. Grand!

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Sam, I wish you’d go upstairs and let me handle this.

Well, no. I think it’ll sound more logical coming from me.

Uh, keep your fingers crossed.

There they are.

Mr. Grand, I want to apologize for causing you so much trouble,

especially since it was all an accident.

You see, my mother’s always been fond of home remedies.

You know how old-fashioned some mothers can be.

When she discovered that Darrin was allergic to dust,

she decided she had to give him one of her favorite

home remedies, she said it some special kind of tea, you know.

But Darrin’s always been a little bit suspicious of home remedies.

That’s why he gave it to you to analyze.

Well, it turns out that it’s not tea at all.

No, no. I talked to Mother, and she admitted

that it was a special blend of herbs and spices

that she got from a Japanese herbalist.

Now, I know that they do come up with some strange concoctions.

Lady. Yes?

This stuff is more than strange.

Hey, what happened? There’s no wind tonight.

Oh, it does come up suddenly sometimes, doesn’t it?

Oh, what a shame. That was the last of it too.

Mr. And Mrs. Stephens, I want you to meet

my brother-in-law Harry Kahn from Nassau.

Hello. How do you do? You don’t have any more of this?

Oh, I’m sorry. I’m afraid you’ll just

have to go back and tell them at the space agency.

What space agency? I own a string of cut-rate drug stores.

You, you mean you’re not from NASA?

Sure. Nassau County, Long Island.

What’s the matter with him?

Oh, it must be his allergy.

Night air. Very bad, you know. Mmm.

Uh, thank you so much, Mr. Grand.

Mr. Kahn, it was nice meeting you.

Good night. Yes, nice meeting,

(WHISTLES)

Darrin, are you all right? Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, come along. I’ll fix you a nice cup of tea.

Uh, no! No tea.

But how about a moonlight cocktail?

Darrin?

Come look at the lady in the moon.

What moon?

Besides, it’s a man in the moon.

How do you know it’s a man?

Everybody knows it’s a man. Just look at it.

Could be a lady.

You know, I’ve been meaning to ask you something.

You said that, um, you hadn’t been to the moon today,

but you didn’t say that you’d never been to the moon.

Hmm?

Well, have you?

Have I what? Been to the moon, ever.

Darrin, you don’t want to know everything about me, do you?

I mean, there are some things a wife should not tell a husband.

And, um, whether or not she has been to the moon is one of them.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)