Original subtitles

SAM: It wasn’t Aunt Clara’s fault.

She was only trying to get an electrician to fix my lamp.

But she got Benjamin Franklin instead.

An understandable mistake... For Aunt Clara.

Well, Mr. Franklin is such a marvelous man

and so many of his inventions are taken for granted today,

that it seemed a shame not to show him around the 20th century.

Everything would have been just fine,

if only he hadn’t wanted to examine that fire engine.

The judge wasn’t sympathetic at all.

He charged Mr. Franklin with grand theft.

I’m sure we could have straightened everything out,

if Aunt Clara hadn’t remembered the spell to make Mr. Franklin disappear.

Where is he? Mr. Franklin? Mr. Franklin! Oh, no!

Oh, I remembered! I remembered!

Oh! Aunt Clara. Aunt Clara, you’ve got to bring him back,

or we’re out $1,000!

(MUMBLING) What?

Now she remembers.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(PHONE RINGING) Yes, Helen.

Mr. Stephens, there’s a gentleman from the District Atorney’s office to see you.

Well, um, send him in.

Mr. Stephens. Chuck Hawkins.

I’ll be prosecuting Benja... Mr. Franklin for the city.

Well, won’t you sit down, Mr. Hawkins? Thank you.

I, uh... I hope you don’t think that I had anything to do with this.

You know, Mr. Stephens, lots of people have the idea that

the District Attorney’s office

is only interested in convicting people and sending them to jail.

You mean, you have a bad public image.

Well, the truth is, we’re dedicated public servants. We’re concerned about people.

You know, plenty of mayors and governors have started in my job.

And it would certainly be a shame

to hurt a budding political career by an unpopular case.

Now, if I thought the crime was serious, I’d prosecute to the hilt.

But, after all, taking a fire engine. So the old guy’s a little eccentric.

No one was hurt. So, instead of subjecting the people of this city

to a long and expensive trial... With lots of publicity.

My office is prepared to reduce the charge to disturbing the peace.

Now, if Mr. Franklin will just plead guilty,

I can assure you he’ll get a suspended sentence or a light fine.

Mr. Hawkins, I take back everything I’ve ever said about the D.A.’s office.

(LAUGHS) We don’t have to wait four weeks for a misdemeanor.

Just have him down at Division 20 day after tomorrow.

Darrin, have you seen this about your friend Ben Franklin?

It’s terrific! Oh, sorry to interrupt.

You know, you can’t buy this kind of publicity.

I’d like you to meet Mr. Hawkins of the D.A.’s office.

How do you do? How do you do?

The Franklin Electronics Corporation are going to be in seventh heaven!

What a send-off for the campaign. So it was a gimmick, huh?

Stephens, the charge is grand theft.

And I intend to see that Franklin, or whoever he is,

is prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

Mr. Hawkins, is the trial back to four weeks away?

And lose all this publicity? (CHUCKLES)

Day after tomorrow, Stephens. Felony court.

Oh, now there are TV people outside.

And it’s attracted the entire neighborhood. Oh.

Aunt Clara, you have to remember that spell.

We have to get Benjamin Franklin back here. (DOORBELL RINGS)

Yes. Yes. Uh-oh. I’ll try and stall them.

Samantha Stephens? I’m Bill Whalen of WXIW News,

and I’d like to speak to Mr. Franklin, please.

I’m sorry, but he has no comment.

Oh, but even no comment from Mr. Franklin is news. Where is he?

Now, that’s funny. I’ve got something in my eye.

Why don’t you come back when you’ve gotten it out?

She did it! She wiggled her nose! I saw her!

I saw the whole thing from the beginning!

First, pow! Benjamin Franklin. Next...

Next what? Uh, who are you?

Franklin Pierce, sir, 14th President of the United States.

Aunt Clara! Oh, I missed it again.

Did I, uh, see what I thought I saw?

Must have been that something in your eye.

Aunt Clara, when you got Benjamin Franklin,

you were trying for an electrician to fix my lamp.

Yes, that was the spell, but I couldn’t work it out.

Oh, that Gladys Kravitz is telling that television

reporter everything she’s seen!

And then she raised her arms like this

and said, "Hark ye, Witches who live in lamps..."

Yeah, yeah, lady. Sure. She did!

She said it all!

Aunt Clara,

did it begin, "Hark ye, Witches who live in lamps"?

Oh, that’s it, that’s it! Hark ye, Witches who live in lamps!

Oh, yes. Hark ye, Witches who live in lamps.

Sam, don’t let her point at me!

Darrin, where’d you come from?

Well, I saw the crowd outside, so I snuck around back.

What is going on?

Aunt Clara’s remembered the spell.

Good ahead, Aunt Clara. Oh.

Hark ye...

Hark ye, Witches who live in lamps,

uh, the power of watts and uhms and amps,

uh, and, and, um,

the wizards of AC/DC transmission,

send to me an electrician!

As you were saying, Mr. Stephens...

Oh! Mr. Franklin, thank heaven you’re back!

I wasn’t aware that I’d left.

But if this is the reception you give return voyagers,

I must go away more often.

What has transpired during my absence?

Well, for one thing, the trial’s day after tomorrow.

Day after tomorrow?

And the District Attorney’s out for blood.

He thinks this whole thing is some kind of advertising stunt.

Darrin, sh-shouldn’t we get Mr. Franklin a lawyer?

DARRIN: Honey, we can’t! What could we tell him?

Mr. Franklin, couldn’t you defend yourself?

No, that might be unwise, sir. The man who defends himself in court

has a fool for a lawyer and a jackass for a client.

Abraham Lincoln said that.

Abraham who?

Whoever, he stole it from me.

SAM: Maybe Darrin’s right.

After all, Mr. Franklin, you are innocent.

Mrs. Stephens, it’s the innocent who need an attorney.

The guilty can lie for themselves. (GASPS)

Oh, I like that. Remind me to remember that.

Uh... May I also remind you that I told you

the District Attorney thinks this whole thing is a publicity stunt

and he’s going to use that to turn the jury’s sympathy against Mr. Franklin?

Well, we know it isn’t true.

The only way we can get public sympathy on our side

is for the people to see and hear Mr. Franklin.

Sam, there isn’t time. The trial is one day away.

Darling, you forget you’re married to a witch.

Now, I can’t change public opinion,

but I can help it along a little bit.

Boys and girls,

for today’s Celebrity Day assembly,

we are honored to have with us

a member of America’s team of astronauts.

It is a great pleasure to present to you

someone who could be the first American on the moon...

Benjamin Franklin.

(APPLAUSE)

Thank you.

Oh. Oh, yes, Samantha, dear. Yes.

Yes, I think I can handle that. Right. Right away.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, wraps up this

edition of WXIW afternoon news.

This is Bill Whalen signing off until 6:00 this evening.

Correction, please. There seems to be one more item.

In response to the sudden wave of Benjamin Franklin fever

which is sweeping the city, this station invites all interested viewers

to call us collect to express their opinion.

Oh! I did it! I did it!

Oh, won’t Samantha be pleased!

STEELE: (ON RADIO) This is The Real Don Steele happening on Boss Radio, baby.

And those were the Nebishes with their latest release

Snarl, Baby, Snarl If You Love Me.

And now, gang, what you have been waiting for.

The number one sound on the all new Big Boss 30 survey,

Ben Franklin delivers a speech

to the Pennsylvania Constitutional Convention.

How about that, fun devils?

I like it, I like it.

There’s a front-page story on Mr. Franklin in every paper.

Mmm-hmm. They’ve been talking all day about it on television.

Shall I turn it on? Oh, no, please. Please, Aunt Clara.

Enough’s enough. That was Larry on the phone.

He can’t get it through his head that all this publicity

isn’t somehow connected with the Franklin Electronics Account.

Um, will it help, sir, if I speak to the gentleman myself?

Oh, no, no, Mr. Franklin. About the only thing that would help now

is for you to be acquitted and then just to...

Disappear.

I understand. But what if I’m not acquitted?

What would you do if you’re convicted?

I’d go to jail, madam.

I wish you were a little more optimistic.

Optimists, madam, believe that all will turn out for the best.

They are, therefore, constantly disappointed.

I, on the other hand, prepare myself for the worst.

Should it not occur, I am delightfully surprised.

Oh! That’s cute.

Now, if you will excuse me,

I must get back to preparing my address to the court.

Stop worrying.

(GAVEL RAPPING) Uh-uh. Start.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

I intend to prove that the defendant, whoever he is,

has used the honored name of Benjamin Franklin

as part of an advertising campaign,

the sole purpose of which is to sell transistor radios.

Now, unfortunately, there’s no law against tasteless advertising.

But in the process of his activities,

the defendant made a mistake.

He stole a valuable public monument, a rare old fire engine

that was on display in front of Fire Station Number Three.

Now, such a crime is more serious than ordinary theft

because the man who steals public property

steals not only from one man, but from everyone.

Oh, an excellent point, an excellent point.

It’s your turn, Mr. Franklin.

FRANKLIN: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

human reason is a very uncertain thing

because two people can arrive at diametrically opposed

positions from the same premise.

Consequently, I think that a good, sure instinct

is worth a great deal more.

Now, the District Attorney, I fear, has set himself a very difficult task.

First he must prove that I stole a fire engine.

Now, what motive could a man have for stealing a fire engine,

unless, of course, he needed one to put out a fire?

And, second, the District Attorney must prove

that I am not Benjamin Franklin but, in fact, an impostor.

If he succeeds, I shall have to conclude

that not only have I been mistaken as to my identity all these many years,

but that my honored father and mother were somewhat confused at my birth.

You are the head librarian at the main branch of the public library?

That’s right. And is that the man

who walked into your library a few days ago?

Yes, that’s him, Benjamin Franklin.

Just yes and no will do.

What happened when he approached you?

Well, of course, there was quite a disturbance.

I mean, everyone started whispering.

And you can’t have that sort of thing in a library.

I mean, there are signs all over.

HAWKINS: Then you would say he definitely created a disturbance?

Yes. Uh, what else did he do?

He wanted to pay a library fine on a book that was 200 years overdue.

He wanted to pay a library fine

on a book that was overdue for 200 years.

Not exactly. You see, he didn’t actually have the book.

But he said that he had neglected to return it,

and it had been on his conscience for 200 years.

Your witness, sir. No questions, Your Honor.

You’ve made my point. I’m nothing, if not an honest man.

You mean to say that the defendant actually

walked out on the stage and made a speech to the students in the auditorium?

Yes, sir. He did. Well, had you planned to have him speak?

No, we planned a totally different speaker.

I don’t even know why I announced him.

HAWKINS: So he completely disrupted your assembly?

PRINCIPAL: Well, at first he did, but then...

Naturally, you were outraged. Well, yes, in the beginning...

Please, just... Just answer the question.

He’s trying to, but you won’t let him finish.

Boy, would I love to put a hex on him.

How do you think he’d look as a duck? Sam!

Go on, sir. But what?

Well, I just wanted to say that he gave the finest speech I’ve ever heard.

He talked about America as the land of opportunity,

an education as something precious.

Even more precious because it was available to everyone.

What was the reaction of the students?

PRINCIPAL: Well, you know modern kids are pretty sophisticated.

They can tell a phony a mile off.

But you could have heard a pin drop while he was speaking.

And afterwards, they cheered him for five minutes.

Thank you.

Any more questions for this witness, Counselor?

No more questions, Your Honor.

No questions, Your Honor.

I think if the jury went out now, they’d convict the D.A.

Well, I’m ready to rest my case.

I call Darrin Stephens to the stand.

If only he were ready to rest his.

And have you ever discussed the idea

of using Benjamin Franklin as part of an advertising approach

to the Franklin Electronics Account?

I never brought it up.

Well, did anyone in your office bring it up?

Uh, yes.

Who? My boss.

HAWKINS: Mr. Stephens, I just have one more question.

Who is that man sitting at that table?

Remember, you’re under oath.

To the best of my knowledge, Benjamin Franklin.

Does he really believe that?

You know something even crazier?

I’m beginning to believe it.

And when Mrs. Stephens introduced me,

she said they were going to a costume party.

But I knew that wasn’t true.

You see, she... HAWKINS: You, uh, didn’t believe her?

Oh, of course not. I knew how he had gotten there. They cast...

HAWKINS: Did Mr. Tate, Mr. Stephens’ boss, join you then?

But I wanted to tell you... What did he say?

He said, "Good night, Ben."

And then he sort of winked.

Thank you, Mrs. Kravitz. That’ll be all.

But don’t I get to tell you what I know about her?

Only if someone asks you.

Your witness, Mr. Franklin.

Mr. Franklin, you can’t cross-examine her.

But I must. Her testimony’s very damaging.

It’ll be a lot more damaging if she gets a chance to go on.

No questions, Your Honor.

That’ll be all, madam. You may step down.

Well!

The prosecution rests, Your Honor.

This court will recess for 15 minutes.

(GAVEL RAPPING) Time to start worrying again, right?

Right. It was going fine until I got on the stand.

I’m afraid, with Mr. Stephens’ testimony and that of the Kravitz woman,

the District Attorney has established a plausible motive

for someone taking a vintage fire engine.

Vintage fire engine.

Vintage! I’ll be right back.

Mr. Franklin, call me as your next witness.

FRANKLIN: Would you tell the jury, Mrs. Stephens,

where you got the plaque you hold in your hand?

From the fire engine at Station Number Three.

Would you read the inscription, please?

"Benjamin Franklin Memorial Fire Engine."

Your Honor, I’d like to enter this plaque as Exhibit A.

Your Honor, may I ask a question?

If it’s relevant. How can the District Attorney

accuse Mr. Franklin of stealing his own property?

He hasn’t proved he is Benjamin Franklin.

And you, sir, have not proved that I am not.

(GAVEL RAPPING)

I will admonish this gallery only once.

Another outburst like that, and I’ll have this courtroom cleared.

Thank you, Your Honor. No more questions.

Do you believe the defendant is Benjamin Franklin?

Yes. How can you be so sure?

All you have to do is look at him and listen to him talk.

That’s no answer. How do you know?

Well, if he isn’t,

why would he have tried to pay for a book that was 200 years overdue?

Mrs. Stephens, do you know the penalty for perjury?

Oh, hush up. Your Hon...

Now, I don’t see that it makes any difference

whether he’s Benjamin Franklin or not.

He represents Mr. Franklin, doesn’t he?

Now, the District Attorney accuses him of creating a disturbance in the library.

But he doesn’t mention the fact

that he was honest enough to pay a 200-year-old fine

or that Benjamin Franklin created the first public library.

He also accuses him of taking a fire engine.

But he doesn’t mention the fact

that Benjamin Franklin started the first volunteer fire department.

Aren’t you going to object to this, Counselor?

Doesn’t look that way, Your Honor.

Now, it seems to me that, whoever he is,

all this gentleman has done since he’s been here

is to remind us of the wonderful things that Benjamin Franklin has done

and of the heritage of wisdom that he left us.

Now, if I were the District Attorney,

I’d want to thank him instead of trying to send him to jail.

(APPLAUSE)

Objection!

I think you’re a little late, Counselor.

Congratulations, Mr. Franklin. Thank you, sir.

I knew you could do it. Congratulations, Mr. Franklin.

Thank you, sir. That was a great speech, Sam!

Oh, thank you, Larry. (GAVEL RAPPING)

Mr. Franklin,

this jury has found you not guilty,

a judgment in which the court concurs.

You are free to go, but I would like to ask you one question.

Do you intend to continue being Benjamin Franklin?

Your Honor,

I believe that a man’s wisdom, if he have any,

should be left to future generations

to measure against their own circumstances.

If a man lives beyond his time

and attempts to impose old notions upon new generations,

he puts himself in very grave danger

of losing any claim to wisdom at all.

Therefore, Your Honor,

although I shall continue to be Benjamin Franklin,

for I can do no other,

I shall no longer be that untimely gentleman in your gracious company.

Good day, sir.

Well, if he isn’t, he ought to be.

Court’s adjourned. (RAPS GAVEL)

Aunt Clara, I don’t think this is such a good idea.

Mr. Franklin, you said yourself it was time to go back.

And so I shall, sir,

after this dear lady and I have a night, as you put it, on the town.

But didn’t you once say, "Early to bed, early to rise

"makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise"?

Yes, I did, I did. But that was before the electric light.

Don’t you think that your escort should be more appropriately dressed?

I’ll get one of Darrin’s suits.

No, no, no, no. I can do it.

Is this a button loose on your coat, Mr. Franklin? Well, I hadn’t noticed.

Tarrel, tarrel,

morning glorious.

Correct "appel"... Apparel,

sartor sartorious.

Ooh! Oh, I goofed again.

Oh, no!

No, Aunt Clara. You look beautiful!

Madam, you are a vision of loveliness.

Oh, I congratulate you all for living in this marvelous 20th century

where such things are possible.

Oh, let us go on, madam.

Well, uh, don’t wait up, children.

Good night.

Oh!

Oh, I’m sure they’ll be all right, sweetheart.

After all, they’re both over 200.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)