Original subtitles

How do you do, madam? Is there something you desire?

No, thank you. Just browsing. By all means.

Are you an antique bug?

Sort of.

Oh, you do have some lovely things.

Yes, we have some excellent pieces.

This desk, for instance, made in France in 1753.

And priced at only $800.

Eight hundred dollars?

Well, it is beautiful,

but I’m afraid that I... Yes. Well.

Um...

Do you have, uh, something maybe in early American, a little less expensive?

Less expensive?

Madam, I sell antiques, not used furniture.

Oh, how peculiar. I thought I threw this away.

What’s the matter with it? Oh, it’s a badly made copy.

Terrible workmanship. Not our class of merchandise.

Oh, well, I think it’s rather fascinating.

Oh? How much is it?

Well, since you’re so interested...

Only $100.

Well, I’m not that interested. Just fascinated.

It’s yours for 25 bucks.

Thank you.

Madam, would you do me a favor?

Yes, I’ll try.

Don’t tell anyone where you bought it.

Oh!

Really, madam.

Clumsy.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(PHONE RINGING)

Oh.

Oh, Tabatha. Oh, my goodness, you are a mess.

(CHUCKLES) (CONTINUES RINGING)

Oh.

Hello?

Honey, the Cosgroves will be over to dinner at 7:30, is that all right?

(CHUCKLING) Oh, yeah, fine.

Uh, Tabatha’s helping.

Your favorite, mushed-up bananas and spinach.

Made by hand, I hope.

(TABATHA COOING) Oh, very definitely.

Yeah. I’ll see you later, honey.

Okay. Bye-bye.

She making something special?

Mushed bananas and spinach. Ugh.

Much too good for the Cosgroves.

I hate these annual dinners.

Why? It’s always at my house. (CHUCKLES)

Larry, they’ll renew the contract. I don’t know.

I heard the Fairfield Slee Agency’s interested in the account.

Relax, Larry.

With one of Sam’s delicious dinners in Cosgrove’s stomach, we can’t miss.

It’s not his stomach I’m worried about. It’s his wife’s mouth.

That’s right. He doesn’t make a move without her. Mmm, not a move.

You know, I hate to see a guy depend on his wife like that.

What time are you coming over tonight? I better call Louise.

Well, don’t sit there. Go on home and see if everything’s all right.

So early? It’s a whole four minutes before closing time.

Remember that when I don’t give you a raise.

Honey, I’m home!

I’m in the kitchen.

Hi, sweetheart. Hi.

Mmm! That smells delicious!

(CHUCKLES) I’m boiling the baby’s bottles.

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

The dining room table looks beautiful.

You’re going to have the Cosgroves eating out of your hands.

Good. Then I won’t need any plates.

Mmm.

Hey, where did you get that chair?

At an antiques store. Why?

It only cost $25. That’s a good reason.

Oh, Darrin, I couldn’t resist it.

You could have tried. Mmm-hmm.

What are you gonna do with it?

We could try sitting in it. Hey, that’s an idea.

No, where’re you gonna put it? It sure doesn’t fit in the living room.

We’ll think of something later.

Do you mind if I put it in the den for tonight? No. Okay.

Okay.

That still smells delicious. Oh.

And so, there we were in Rome.

Italy, that is.

Oh. Italy.

And I saw this gorgeous fountain.

And I say, "Isn’t that a gorgeous fountain, Max?"

She’s terribly clever.

She could always spot gorgeous fountains.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, that’s marvelous, because most of them are so, uh...

(SIGHS) Run-of-the-mill.

(DARRIN CHUCKLES)

True? True. Very true.

Well, it was ridiculous what they were asking for anything that old.

Well, they constantly try to cheat you over there.

It’s almost impossible to get your money’s worth.

Oh, you know you’ll get your money’s worth with our campaign, Max. (LAUGHS)

I know about your campaign. Don’t talk business at dinner.

Where was I?

Oh. You know...

We’ve been around the world twice.

Next year, we’re planning to go someplace else.

Do you have any ideas where we can go?

Let’s just go into the living room for now.

Yes.

That’s not where I had in mind.

Louise!

I don’t think he’s gonna sign.

Don’t worry, Larry. There’s plenty of time.

Take another pill. (SIGHS)

I’ve already eaten the box.

(CHUCKLES) Go on.

Where did you get this ultra-rare and unusual chair?

At a little antique shop... Oh, marvelous.

I’ll run over there first thing in the morning.

Well, they only had one. Oh.

That could be a problem.

But not a big problem, not if you’d consider selling it to me.

Oh, believe me, Samantha.

I wouldn’t dream of asking you if I didn’t really want it.

Huh?

(STUTTERS) I’d do anything to have it. It just fits our house.

Doesn’t it, Max?

This maybe it. Give her the chair.

Uh, Sam, what do you think?

Well, I rather like that chair.

Honey! (LARRY GRUNTS)

Well...

Mrs. Cosgrove.

If you really like the chair that much, I’d love for you to have it.

(GASPS) Oh, Samantha, that’s very good of you. Uh, baby doll, I...

Quiet! (CHUCKLES) Angel.

How much do you want for it, Samantha?

Oh, nothing. It’s a gift.

Oh, nonsense. I want to make a business deal.

So do we.

Twenty-five dollars be too much?

Oh, it’s worth much more.

Pay her, Max. Yes, dear.

Well, now that that’s all settled, let’s talk some business, Max.

Twenty-five dollars, my dear. Oh, Max, it’s late.

Oh, I can’t wait to see this chair in our living room.

But the contract! Max will sign it in the morning.

In the morning? He’ll sign in the morning.

Max, I’ll see you in the morning.

I’ll put that in the car for you.

Oh, thank you.

(LARRY LAUGHING)

Oh, no, no, that’s all right. Need a little help, Darrin?

No, Larry.

It can’t be that heavy now.

Ooh! (DARRIN GRUNTING)

(BOTH SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

See, that’s the way they used to make chairs. See you in the morning, Max.

MRS. COSGROVE: Good night. LARRY: Mrs. Cosgrove, good night.

MRS. COSGROVE: Thank you so much. Thank you. SAM: Enjoy it.

Good night, my dear. Good night, Mr. Cosgrove.

You’re a very sweet boy, Darrin, but completely uncoordinated.

Come, Max. Good night, all.

Good night. Good night.

Honey, I hope you didn’t mind giving them the chair.

But for my part, I was kind of glad to get rid of it.

Well, I do like the chair, but as long as it helps you, I don’t mind.

Besides, I like you better.

I like you too.

I have a feeling there was something spooky about that chair.

A spooky chair? Darrin, that’s ridiculous.

(THUDDING)

Darrin?

Darrin? Mmm. Mmm.

What was that? What was what?

That sound.

I heard a noise downstairs.

Oh, you must be dreaming. I don’t think so.

Then I must be. Go back to sleep, honey.

Darrin, I heard a noise.

Maybe it’s the baby.

Then she must be wearing your galoshes.

Say, you are a spooky chair.

When I came downstairs, there was that spooky chair bowing to me.

Oh, how charming.

Charming? At 4:00 in the morning? Mother, what could it be?

Well, I’ve heard of a few of us who’d turned into objects.

Really? Yes. Some do when they retire.

Others do when they get angry.

Wha... Do you think it could be dangerous?

I don’t know.

Why don’t you test it on Durwood?

Oh, mother, really. (PHONE RINGS)

(CHUCKLES)

Darrin doesn’t even know about the chair. Oh.

No, I hid it before he went to the office.

Hello?

Hello, Sam.

Oh, hi, sweetheart.

We were just talking about you.

Mother sends her love. (SHUDDERS)

Sam, we got a problem. The chair’s been stolen from the Cosgroves.

Stolen? Wh...

Darrin, I think you ought to know that...

Adelaide blames Max for leaving the door open because he didn’t like the chair.

They’re having a terrible argument.

And while they’re arguing, Max won’t sign the contract. Can you find another one?

(STUTTERING) I’m afraid it’s one-of-a-kind.

Darrin, I think you ought to come home.

Something wrong? No, no, it’s...

(WHISPERS) It’s about the chair.

I can’t talk about it on the phone.

I’ll be right home. Anything wrong?

Something about the chair. Well, then, go on home. Maybe she’s found it.

I’ll send Louise over to the Cosgroves.

She’s an expert on marital arguments.

She is? Huh. Lots of experience, all with me.

(GRUNTING)

Oh, dear. Mother. Mother?

Oh, boy, you’re always around when I don’t need you, but when I do...

What is all that racket?

That’s Darrin. I had to tell him about the chair.

He came home, and now he’s in the study fighting with it.

What do you want me to do, darling? Referee?

Well, there must be something.

I told you it was a spooky chair.

And whoever or whatever it is, it absolutely hates Darrin.

We can’t hold that against it, can we?

I can.

You don’t suppose it could be one of our relatives?

Certainly not!

Not one of our relatives is in furniture.

Well, it’s causing all sorts of trouble.

Now, I can’t give it back to the Cosgroves if it’s Bewitched.

What am I gonna do?

Nothing.

Nothing?

No, not a thing, until we know for sure what it is.

Well, yes, but... (DOORBELL RINGS)

(GASPS) It’s Mr. Cosgrove!

(WHISPERS) Call me back.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Oh, hi, Mr. Cosgrove. What a lovely surprise.

My dear, I’m sorry to bother you,

but I was on my way over to the antique shop,

but I couldn’t remember the name.

You know, where you purchased the chair.

Oh, yes. Darrin told me about the robbery.

Yes. Uh, Adelaide blames me. She says I left the door open.

Oh, I’ve just got to find another one, because...

(THUDDING) What’s that noise?

Darrin. He’s doing his morning exercises.

Does them every day. Oh.

Don’t exercise too hard, dear!

Oh, hello, Mr. Cosgrove. I was just doing my morning workout.

That’s it! (STUTTERS) That’s the chair!

(STAMMERS) That’s, um... A copy. Copy.

I can’t tell the difference. Oh, please let me take this to Adelaide.

She’ll love it, and then she’ll love me again.

Aw, but, Mr. Cosgrove, it’s only a copy. I mean... I must have it!

Oh, I’m sorry, but when Adelaide gets angry, I just can’t think straight.

Now, what does it cost? I’ll pay anything you ask.

It’s very expensive. Much more than the original.

Good. Now, I do appreciate this, so just send us a bill.

I want Adelaide to see this right away.

Well, why don’t you let Darrin bring it to your house?

I’d rather take it myself.

Well, it’s no trouble, Mr. Cosgrove, and it might scratch your car.

No, the sooner Adelaide forgives and forgets, the better.

(STAMMERING) I’ll tell Tate to send the contract over to my house.

Thank you very much.

Uh...

Well, I guess he’s gonna sign. Yeah, well, if he lives.

You don’t think that that chair’s deliberately

trying to blow the Cosgrove deal for me, do you?

Well, I don’t know, but that’s what we’ve got to find out.

Now, Darrin, you go to the antique store,

find out all you can about that chair.

How old it is, you know.

Meet me at the Cosgrove’s right away, and hurry. Mmm-hmm. Mmm. Right.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Would you mind baby-sitting for a little while? Oh, I’d love to!

Yeah, well, don’t teach Tabatha any new tricks.

Oh, killjoy.

What are you going to do?

I’m going to the Cosgroves’ to keep an eye on that chair. Oh.

Hmm. And while I’m gone, why don’t you get in touch with Aunt Hagatha,

and Daddy, and maybe Aunt Enchantra.

They might know something about it. All right?

Mmm-hmm. Oh, bye.

There, my sweet. Just like the other one.

And I shall guard this with my life. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, I’m so grateful to Samantha and Darrin...

My darling, are you all right? Why did you do that?

(STAMMERS) But I did nothing, my love. Nothing.

I never realized, you’re a dangerous man.

(DOORBELL RINGING) Go answer the door.

Adelaide, I’m really not dangerous.

Hi, Mr. Cosgrove, Mrs. Cosgrove. I was just passing by...

Oh, Samantha.

You came just in time. He just threw me out of the chair.

Really? Darling, I did not.

You did! I was sitting in it, just like...

Perhaps you shouldn’t sit in it, Mrs. Cosgrove. Maybe it has a broken leg.

She’s right, darling. Please, do be careful.

You see? There’s nothing wrong with it.

Oh, you and Darrin were such...

SAM: Oh, dear!

(SAM STAMMERING)

(COUGHING)

Mrs. Cosgrove, are you all right?

What are you doing? He tried to choke me!

Darling, you know I’d never do anything like that. I just...

Your front door was open, So we just... (CHUCKLES) We just walked right in.

Hello, everybody. SAM: Hi, Louise, Larry.

Tate. Mrs. Tate. Sam. Well, Max.

Hello. Here we are with your contract.

Oh, this is no time for contracts.

(GASPS) You found another chair.

Is Darrin here?

Max! You broke my chair! (MAX GRUNTING)

You did it on purpose! That’s it! That’s the last straw!

I’m going home to Mother! Get my suitcase!

Adelaide! Adelaide! You can’t leave me!

(STUTTERS) Mrs. Cosgrove, really. I’m sure he had nothing to do with it...

(EXCLAIMING) Adelaide! But Max, Max, the contract!

I can’t sign any contract now! LOUISE: Oh, Mrs. Cosgrove!

MAX: Adelaide! Adelaide!

He’ll never sign the contract! Never!

The other agency’ll get him. Sam, what’s going on here?

LOUISE: Mrs. Cosgrove!

...light of my life, I’ll give you anything you want.

Anything. I’ll even go to Rome and buy that fountain for you.

And I’ll buy the water! MAX: Yes.

LOUISE: Mrs. Cosgrove, I’m sure it can be worked out.

Did you find out anything?

The chair was bought at an auction, in Boston, at the turn of the century.

Which one? Sam!

Boston, huh? What does it mean?

Well... Uh, Boston. Uh-huh.

Beans. Yeah?

Tea party. Uh-huh.

Nothing. Uh...

Well, maybe Mother found something out. You wait here.

MAX: Please, honey bunch? LARRY: Mrs. Cosgrove!

ADELAIDE: My mind’s made up. What’s with the Cosgroves?

Well, you heard. You just stay here and make sure the coast is clear, huh?

Stand up.

Now, come with me.

Mother.

Mother?

Mother, did you find out anything?

You remember...

Stop it!

You remember the Farnsworth family?

Yes, they lived on our street in Boston.

Does it belong to them? Well, sort of.

It’s not one of them?

(GASPS) Not him!

Yes. He had Enchantra transform him when you rejected him.

Reject... Wha... I never rejected him!

I never even gave him any encouragement. We were friends.

Not as far as he was concerned, love.

Oh... (CLICKS TONGUE) Oh, mother.

What was the spell Aunt Enchantra used?

The simple one, without the oxtails.

All right. Thank you.

Now, I think it’s time for a little woman-to-chair chat.

I think you’re right, dear.

Okay, Clyde Farnsworth.

You just come out here and face me like a...

A chair.

It won’t do you any good to hide.

I said come here, and I mean it.

Do you realize the trouble you’ve caused?

Not just Darrin and me, but look at the uproar the Cosgroves are in.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Clyde, I’m speaking to you.

Now, I might be able to understand if you had any sort of excuse, but...

Well, that’s no excuse. That’s nonsense.

Now, you did not have yourself turned into a chair because I rejected you.

I told you on our first and only date

that we could never be anything more than friends.

Oh, Clyde, now if you’re gonna crumble up like that,

we’re never gonna get anywhere.

Besides, that’s no way to get my sympathy.

Much.

Well, Clyde, I don’t understand.

If you’re supposed to be in love with me, why are you causing all this trouble?

LOUISE: Please, Mrs. Cosgrove, won’t you reconsider?

ADELAIDE: Reconsider living with a dangerous man?

MAX: Please believe me. I’m not dangerous, love pot.

LARRY: Take my word for it, love pot. I mean, Mrs. Cosgrove.

Sam, what are you doing? What do you think? I’m talking to the chair.

Ask a foolish question... Darrin, do me a favor. Go back inside

and make sure no one comes out here.

You understand? Hmm? Yeah, all right.

Oh.

So that’s it.

You’re jealous of Darrin, huh?

Oh. Well, now, Clyde, he is my husband, and I love him very much.

And nothing you can do can change that. You understand?

Now, I’m going to give you a choice.

You can either keep feeling sorry for yourself and remain a miserable old chair,

or I can change you back into human form, but I can’t do it unless you’re willing.

Good.

Chair of cloth and wood and grain,

become a human being again.

(GASPS)

Oh, Clyde. Why, you haven’t changed a bit.

Not even your clothes.

Samantha, you’re as beautiful as you always were.

Isn’t there any hope for us?

We can still be friends. I’d like that.

Well, I’ll be going now.

Where are you going?

Back to the antique store. I’ve got someone there that loves me.

Oh, does she work there?

No. She’s a lamp.

Oh. (STUTTERS) Well, uh...

Clyde, before you leave, uh, could I make a copy of you?

As a chair, I mean.

I really need it, and I can’t do it without your permission.

Oh, please allow me. As a gift to you.

And Darrin.

Oh, well, Clyde, that’s awfully sporting of you.

ADELAIDE: I should’ve listened to Pa. That’s who I should’ve listened to.

LARRY: Louise, don’t just stand there.

LOUISE: Well, what do you want me to do?

LARRY: Mrs. Cosgrove, please? SAM: Psst. Darrin.

ADELAIDE: My mind’s made up.

It’s all right. Mrs. Cosgrove!

Mrs. Cosgrove? What?

(STUTTERS) I fixed the chair.

Well, how could you? Max broke the legs.

No, no, he didn’t. It has collapsible legs,

so I just pushed them back in place and locked them.

Then Max didn’t break the chair? Mmm-mmm.

Oh, Max, I’m sorry.

I shouldn’t have blamed you, tweety bird.

Will you forgive me?

Of course, I will, cupcake.

Will you forgive me?

I forgive you, huggy bear.

And I forgive you, poopsie.

Uh, forgive me, but what about the contract?

Is it all right if I sign, love pot?

By all means, honey bunch. (CHUCKLES)

Tea, anyone? Oh, delightful!

(ALL CHATTERING)

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Darling, I’m proud of you.

Well, don’t thank me, thank Clyde Farnsworth. It’s a gift from him.

Clyde Farnsworth?

Yeah, I’ll explain later. Okay.

(SCREAMS)

Sam!

Well...

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)