Original subtitles

Mrs. Dumont? You shouldn’t tempt me, Mrs. Stephens.

I’ve already had too many.

Well, just perhaps this one.

Mmm. They’re delicious.

More tea? No, thank you. I really must be running.

But you know, I’m so glad you’ve agreed to serve on our ways and means committee.

You know, it’s a good cause. And the children really need

that new playground equipment in the park.

Oh, I know.

And I’m looking forward to working with Mrs. Wheeler and Mrs. Albright.

Oh, they’re both such dears.

And you know, they know just how to get into

every piggy bank in the community.

Will you be here tomorrow?

No, I’m afraid not, my dear. I’ve got two other meetings.

Oh, Mrs. Dumont. You do so much.

As Herkimer says,

it, uh, keeps me out of mischief. (CHUCKLES)

But I’ll try to drop by and see how you’re getting along.

Oh, thank you.

Well, I’m off to the junior philharmonic meeting.

I don’t know how I ever got involved in that.

I know very little about music.

Good-bye.

Um...

You know, I’ll just hate myself in the morning.

Thank you. Good-bye.

Bye.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Good morning, Samantha.

Uh, good morning, Mother.

What brings you here so early?

Sheer boredom, darling.

Is, uh... Is what’s-his-name up yet?

Yes, Darrin is up.

But I hated to wake him. He had a rather restless night.

Fair enough.

I wish he could forget his work once in a while.

Oh, dear, without their work, men are nothing. They’re like little children.

Not Darrin.

He thrives on the aggravation.

He loves feeling sorry for himself.

Well, personally, I’d like to have him around a little bit more.

He’d just be underfoot, darling.

Trailing you all around the house.

Sucking his thumb. Dragging his teddy bear.

All mortal men are like that.

You just don’t know Darrin.

You won’t take your wise old mother’s word about human men, will you?

No. Well, you’ll learn.

I haven’t got time for breakfast, honey. ENDORA: Hello, uh, uh...

Uh...

Darrin!

Oh. That’s right.

Please, Endora, not on an empty stomach.

Stop it, you two.

Talk about children. Now, darling, five minutes won’t make any difference.

Sit down and have something to eat.

I’m too tense anyhow. I’ll see you tonight, honey.

Popcorn for breakfast?

Why not?

I’ll have that breakfast now.

Darrin, what happened?

Nothing. I just got smart.

I got outside and said to myself, "What are you knocking yourself out for?

"Just how important is it, anyhow?

"Let Larry take care of it."

Well, darling, I’m proud of you.

I’m not going in at all today. Good.

You’ve been doing a lot of extra work lately. You deserve a day off.

It’s astonishing how relaxed I feel about it.

I’ve a little shopping to do,

and the TV man’s coming. Can I leave Tabatha with you?

Feel free. (CHUCKLES)

Sorry mother left. That makes one of us.

I just wanted her to see that you can relax and forget your work.

I’ll fix your breakfast. Thank you.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR) Come in.

Milk.

No kidding. I thought you were the mailman.

Yeah, sure.

Hey, how about some nice cottage cheese today?

Mmm...

Come on, Mr. Stephens. Be a nice fella.

My boss keeps bugging me about my cottage cheese quota.

Hmm. That kind, huh?

Oh, you got no idea...

The problems your average milkman has.

To begin with, I’m dealing with women all day long.

One wants mango flavoring in her yogurt.

Another one keeps complaining

that my nonfat milk has too much fat in it.

And all the time I’m standing there,

she keeps dipping in to a five-pound box of chocolates.

Yeah!

(LAUGHS) That sounds like a bad scene, all right.

(GROANING)

Hey, how come you’re home today, Mr. Stephens?

Simple. I didn’t feel like going in today.

I like that.

He just didn’t feel like working today.

Yeah!

DARRIN: Pour yourself a cup of coffee.

Right. Sit down.

Here. Here’s the sports section.

Right. Now, that’s what I call a nice, healthy attitude.

My philosophy is cottage cheese is your boss’s problem.

Yeah? (LAUGHING)

Beautiful!

Mr. Stephens was due here for a meeting with me half an hour ago.

Call his home. Yes, sir.

(PHONE RINGING)

That’s the phone. Hello, phone.

(CONTINUES RINGING)

Eh, it’s not gonna stop.

Happiness house.

Darrin?

Hello, Larry. How are you, buddy boy?

No, I’m not sick. I’m feeling great.

It’s my boss.

Are you out of your mind?

Mr. Parkinson is on his way over here.

(SNICKERING)

Relax, relax. What?

Let me talk to him. Just a minute, Larry.

Hello, Larry.

This is your friendly purveyor of dairy products.

What? The milkman.

Listen, Larry,

I want you to stop needling my pal Darrin here.

If he don’t wanna come in, he don’t wanna come in. You got it?

Good-bye.

(GIGGLING)

Hey, who do you like in the fourth race?

Something wrong, Mr. Tate?

His milkman just chewed me out.

I better get over there and get him

before the squirrels do.

You know what I enjoy more than anything?

Just lying around taking it easy watching some other guy knock himself out.

Yeah! (BOTH LAUGHING)

You fellas are a big help!

What happened? The cows turn off the faucets today?

I detect a note of hostility there.

Sure, I’m hostile.

I deal with nuts all day long, and you fellas are no exception.

Do you mind if I join you?

That’s the spirit! Sit down!

Be our guest!

The way I feel, I may never fix another set.

Darrin? Hi, Larry.

What is going on here? What’s doin’?

Darrin, you’re coming with me to the office right now! (TURNS TV OFF)

Hey, fella, we happened to be watching that show.

What? And ruin my whole day?

Uh, Larry, do you mind taking your high blood pressure someplace else?

What? Darrin, for heaven’s sake!

DARRIN: You know what’s wrong with you, Larry?

Yeah, the people working for me.

Knock it off, Larry.

You’ve got a great bunch of people working for you.

Like me, for instance.

You just take things too seriously, that’s all.

Why don’t you just relax, pal?

Now, just a second. You’re not my pal.

Pal.

Larry, you’re getting all worked up over nothing.

Now, just how important is Parkinson? I mean, really.

That’s a very interesting question. Let’s see, now.

Parkinson. Who’s he?

(ALL LAUGHING)

I think you’re bluffing.

I will raise you another million.

LARRY: Okay. There’s that million,

And I’ll up you another million.

Hello, everybody.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Stephens.

Hi, Sam. Hi, sweetheart.

Hello, darling.

Throw in a million for me. I call.

You’re in. What do you got?

A pair of threes. What about you?

(LAUGHS)

I was bluffing.

Honey, we just made $15 million.

Well, these groceries cost $17 million.

Easy come, easy go.

Darrin, uh, would you please take these into the kitchen for me?

Sure. If you can’t wait, deal me out.

MILKMAN: We’ll wait. Got nothin’ else to do.

How about some sandwiches for us, honey?

Uh, hold it, smiley.

Yeah? I’m very glad to have you home, but...

Why, thank you, sweetheart. Sandwiches?

All right, but would you mind telling me what’s going on?

What are Larry and the milkman and the TV man doing here?

Well, you know how I decided not to go to work today? Mmm-hmm.

The idea kind of caught on. That’s strange.

Not at all.

Now, darling, you know I have a very important committee meeting this afternoon,

So I’ll need the living room. Oh, that’s right.

Would you mind telling the fellas? I will right now.

Thank you. We’ll move the game out to the patio.

Hmm.

(MEN LAUGHING)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

(MEN CHATTERING AND LAUGHING)

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Hello, Mrs. Stephens.

I’m Sarah Albright and this is Mary Wheeler.

Oh, do come in, and please, call me Samantha.

Thank you.

Oh, what a lovely home you have. (LAUGHING CONTINUES)

Oh, that’s my husband. He took the day off.

Oh. How nice that he can do that.

Oh, you have the table all set up for us. Good.

We can get right down to work.

I can’t tell you how much I’ve been looking forward to this.

Let me warn you. Once you get involved,

Lucille Dumont will see to it that you’re kept very busy with committee work.

I like the feeling of being useful.

After all, our little daughter will be using that playground equipment someday.

Hey, Sam, Darrin says we need more sandwiches.

Oh, hi, there, ladies.

Tell Mr. Stephens that I’m very busy at the moment.

Right.

Isn’t that our milkman?

I was wondering what happened to him this morning.

He’s some sort of self-made philosopher,

and he and my husband got into a deep discussion.

(MEN SHOUTING AND LAUGHING)

And I said to Sgt. McGreevey,

"Good-bye, Sarge. When I get back,

"I’m gonna tell the keeper of the gorilla cage to expect you."

TV REPAIRMAN: That’s funny. I said the same thing to my sergeant.

MILKMAN: No kiddin’?

That’s what I said to mine!

Isn’t that a coincidence? I said practically the same thing!

(ALL LAUGHING) You’re putting me on!

Look. I’ve got a very short fuse, and it’s burning!

But Mr. Parkinson...

I’m a very busy man, and my time’s worth a lot of money.

I’m gonna send McMann and Tate a bill for the half-hour I’ve been waiting...

And in another five minutes, I go on double time!

I’ll try to reach them for you, Mr. Parkinson.

You do that.

Well, how about a raffle?

Let’s say 50 cents a ticket?

That means we’d have to sell 2,000 tickets.

What about 75 cents a ticket?

That sounds better. (PHONE RINGING)

Oh, excuse me. I’ll get it, honey.

Oh, thanks, sweetheart. Let’s see.

Hello. Oh, hi, Ms. Stewart.

Yeah, we’re here.

Mr. Parkinson’s there? Well, I guess never the twain shall meet.

It’s Parkinson. Oh, give him my regards.

Mmm-hmm. Sure, I’ll talk to him.

Hello, Parky. How are ya?

Larry sends his regards.

Now, cool it, Parkinson.

Sure we have the layout. The layouts are great. Excuse me.

But today just isn’t the day for a conference.

The moon’s out of whack

or the planets are in the wrong quarter or something...

Darrin! Will you please keep your voice down?

Oh, sorry, honey. Hey, Parky, I can’t talk to you anymore.

You’re disturbing my wife’s committee meeting.

Honey, about those sandwiches... Make them yourself.

Okay. Oh, no, never mind. On second thought...

Just stay out of the house and stay out of my way.

But Sam, I can’t eat any more of that popcorn.

Well, I’m sorry, Larry, but them’s the conditions that prevail.

Oh!

Well, I’d be happy to take the Maple Heights area.

I’m sure I can get other women to volunteer.

That’s a large area to cover, Samantha.

Oh, well, it’ll give me a chance to meet some of my neighbors.

Also, it’ll give me an opportunity

to see some of the houses from the inside

that I’ve been admiring from the outside.

We all like to do that, don’t we?

(KNOCKING AT DOOR) Well, my goodness.

It’s usually so quiet around here.

Pardon me.

Where are they? Who?

Those two idiots, Tate and Stephens!

Well, if you’re referring to my husband and his business associate,

they are in the back yard.

Well, they won’t be there long!

Now, just a minute! Don’t let me disturb your meeting.

Mister...

Uh, that was Mr. Parkinson. He’s a very important client.

Now, look here, Tate!

Are you still in the advertising business,

or are you starting a retirement community?

(LAUGHING) Parkinson, would you mind turning down your PA System?

My wife’s having a very important meeting.

This is an outrage! You have a confirmed appointment with me!

Perhaps we should call off the meeting and have it some other time.

No. No, no. I... I’m sorry. Please, let’s go on.

I chose your agency because I thought you were responsible people!

(ALL LAUGHING) I set aside the whole day for you!

Well, you’re through representing Randolph Parkinson Jr.

as of now!

Hey!

Thanks. Thanks for the lovely lunch.

(MEN LAUGHING)

Instead of having just a routine printing job done on the tickets,

I’ll ask my husband to have the advertising agency

design something different and interesting and arrange for the printing.

Oh, that would be wonderful. Do you think he’d do it?

I promise you he will.

(DOORBELL RINGS) Honestly.

Now, who is the untidy little lady who parked her car

half on and half off the curb, hmm?

Uh, do you happen to be the little lady

who likes to live so dangerously?

The gentleman is in the back yard.

I look forward to meeting him.

Well, go right on through, Officer. Everybody else has.

I may just break down and cry.

And there we were, a bunch of GIs, fresh from the battle of the bulge,

when we spotted this French mademoiselle

washing her clothes down by the river.

Who owns the sedan parked out front?

Oh, I do, Officer.

(TEARS TICKET)

Aw... Thanks.

Here. Take care of this, will you?

Client relations is your department, Darrin.

Right. (CHUCKLING)

Happy New Year!

Just what do you think you’re doing?

I think you’re all crazy.

Deal me in.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(MEN LAUGHING AND CHATTERING)

This is really going to be quite a job.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

This is too much.

Now, look here...

Oh. Mrs. Dumont.

We were hoping you’d come.

Well, ladies, how are we coming along?

Well, we’ve come to... (MEN CHATTERING LOUDLY)

Good gracious!

LARRY: Hey, there’s a chicken in here. Is it dead?

Hey, you got any bologna?

Excuse me.

What in the world?

Where’s the bread? Hey, you’re all out of milk.

I got a truck full of it.

Oh, hi. Hi.

Hi, sweetheart. Hi, Sam.

You want a sandwich, Sam?

How about that?

What? You’ve got to get rid of all these men.

Honey, they’re just enjoying themselves, forgetting their troubles.

Well, do they have to forget them in our kitchen?

They’re ruining my meeting.

I’m sorry, honey. I really am.

We appreciated the popcorn,

but we’re hungry. We’re growing boys!

I didn’t buy any popcorn.

Right there in the big bowl.

Popcorn.

Fellas, fellas, we owe the ladies an apology.

We’ve been ruining their meeting.

Well, let’s all go in there and apologize.

(ALL CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

We’ll go and apologize, sweetheart.

After you. Thank you.

Oh, Darrin. Darrin!

Oh!

Mother.

Now, I know you’re here somewhere.

Mother, you take the spell off that popcorn!

Mother!

You need $1,000 and you’re going to bother people with 75-cent tickets?

That’s ridiculous!

That’s the way we’ve always done it.

Well, forget it. We’ll get you the money, huh?

Right. Ladies, I think it’s time we left.

No, you don’t. You sit right down and we’ll show you how it’s done.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

For a charming woman like you, madam,

The world!

All right, men. Line up by the phone.

Here we go. Let’s go, Larry.

Speaking for myself, this is just a waste of time.

Maybe we should reconsider the, uh,

composition of this committee.

Popcorn, ladies, please? Ooh, thank you.

How nice. Thank you.

Mmm...

Hello, Joe? Randolph Parkinson.

Some ladies are raising money for playground equipment in the park.

I got you down for $100. Good!

Good!

Look, I’ve seen you spend more than that

at the country club bar in an afternoon!

Fifty dollars, you’re down for.

Oh, listen, and put the bite on Les, Jimmy, and Al.

Stop crying, Jerry.

You live in the community, don’t you?

And you’ve got a kid.

Loosen up. You can’t take it with you.

Scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours, Mr. Wagoner.

Send in that donation to the ladies and I’ll double my cottage cheese quota.

Fair?

Isn’t he cute?

Sergeant, the playground’s in this precinct, and it’ll keep the kids off the street.

Well, that’s very generous of you, Mr. Andrews.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

We made it. Come on, men.

There you are, ladies.

You’ll have over $1,500 sometime tomorrow.

You oversubscribed.

We’re grateful.

I must say I’ve enjoyed sitting here and eating this marvelous popcorn.

But I’m kind of sorry we shan’t need our committee anymore.

So am I.

Thank you very much.

Well, not at all. Not at all.

Well, ladies, would you like some cottage cheese?

Chocolate milk for you. Fresh milk for you.

And non-fat. Non-fat.

And cottage cheese for you.

All right, Mother. Come out, come out, wherever you are.

You called me, dear? All right, Mother.

You’ve had your jollies for the day. You’ve had your laugh.

Now, please, take that spell off.

Anything to please my little love.

Women and children first. Good.

We’ll have a party! Oh!

I’m half an hour late for my next meeting.

Oh, I have a roast in the oven! I have to pick up Bobby.

(MEN CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

Good-bye. Good-bye.

Tate. Tate!

Now, where are my layouts?

Fun’s fun and all that, but business is business!

Right, right. You’re perfectly right.

Darrin, what are you doing here? You should be at the office.

I’m on my way, Larry.

Would you please get your truck out of my driveway?

Yes, sir, Mr. Stephens. Hey, would you please buy

a couple of quarts of cottage cheese from me, huh, please?

Stop bugging me!

I got a million calls to make!

I can’t even finish lunch!

Out of my way! SERGEANT: Just a moment!

Little souvenir for ya. Huh?

Oh, thanks. Here.

Darrin, you’re client relations.

(SIGHS)

Bye, darling.

It was a very relaxing morning. I’ll do this more often.

I hope not.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)