Original subtitles

The baby-sitter said 10:00, Louise, but she’s usually a little late,

so why don’t we make it 10:30?

DARRIN: Sam, where’s my houndstooth sport coat?

Oh, yeah. Sure. Fine, I’ll tell him.

Uh-huh. See you later. My houndstooth sport coat...

Louise and I are going shopping this morning.

Well, fine. Honey, where’s my houndstooth...

Larry’s car broke down, so she’s gonna drop him at the office

and pick me up on the way back.

Sweetheart, I’m late for work, and I haven’t got time to listen to an itinerary

of where you and Louise are going.

Now, have you seen my houndstooth sport coat?

Which one is that?

The tweedy one. With black and orange checks?

The one you hate? Oh, that one.

Well, you don’t wear that anymore.

I’m wearing it today, but I can’t find it.

To the office? Don’t you think it’s a little... Noisy?

Sam, this may come as a surprise to you,

but I’ve been choosing my own clothes for quite some time now.

Why don’t you wear the brown one? It’s much nicer.

Because I want to wear the houndstooth and I can’t find it!

Now, have you seen it or not?

You’re shouting.

(WHISPERING) Do you know where it is or not?

Um...

I, uh, gave it away.

You gave it away?

Well, I, uh...

I was cleaning out your closets

and I just gave away everything you don’t wear.

You gave it away.

Darrin, stop saying "you gave it away"

like I just sold your mother into slavery.

That coat must have been 10 years old.

Fifteen! That’s just the point!

It has tradition and character.

And patches on the sleeves and moth holes and a tear in the pocket.

Who’d you give it to? The thrift shop.

Maybe they still have it.

Darrin, that was a month ago.

Darrin, don’t you think you ought to put on a coat?

You’re not wearing one.

Thank you. Hereafter, however,

I would appreciate it if you didn’t touch my clothes.

Oh! Oh!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

I know I shouldn’t have lost my temper.

But to give away my houndstooth sport coat...

How could she do such a thing?

Take it easy, Darrin. Relax and start from the beginning.

Why don’t you have a seat?

No, no, not there. On the couch.

It’s easier to talk when you’re reclining.

Where did you do your residency, doctor?

Now, look, buddy boy, let’s not try to get funny, hmm?

It just so happens I have

much more experience in these matters than you have.

Firstly, I’ve been married longer.

And secondly, Louise and I have been seeing

a psychiatrist for several months.

Psychiatrist. So that’s how you come by your couch-side manner.

Oh, come on, Darrin, this is serious.

Dr. Kramer’s changed our lives.

And he specializes in exactly your problem.

I don’t have any problem. I just don’t have a houndstooth sport coat.

The coat isn’t important.

Not important? That was my favorite coat.

What matters is that it caused you and Sam to have a fight.

Now, Dr. Kramer’s specialty is teaching married couples how to fight.

According to Dr. Kramer’s theory, there are three kinds of fights:

the amphigoric, the semi-amphigoric, and the centripedal.

That’s a great system, Larry. It’d be impossible to fight

because nobody knows what the words mean.

It’s really very simple, Darrin.

The amphigoric fight is, well, silly and irrational.

And, according to Dr. Kramer, should be avoided entirely.

The semiamphigoric,

well, is your everyday, garden-variety fight,

which on deeper analysis, can be revealed to be either

amphigoric proper or centripedal.

That is significant.

If it falls into the first type, it should be stopped immediately.

But if it should turn out to be centripedal,

it should be fought through to a conclusion.

What type is my houndstooth sport coat?

To you, it was just...

Just an ugly old coat, right?

Right.

Well, what we have to determine

is what did that houndstooth sport jacket represent to Darrin?

Bad taste?

Too simple! According to Dr. Kramer,

the way a husband and wife feels about how his spouse dresses,

shows the condition of the entire relationship.

How does Darrin like to see you dress?

Oh, bright colors, chic lines.

Good. Good, good, good.

That means he still thinks of you romantically as a lover.

Well, I hope so.

Because if he liked for you to wear drab clothes...

You know, dull colors and those sensible shoes.

Well, that would mean he was just beginning to take you for granted.

That sounds logical.

But what about the houndstooth jacket?

Now, why was I wrong to get rid of it?

Oh, now, that’s the other side of the coin.

To Darrin, that jacket must have represented

his desire to be attractive and alluring to you.

And by giving it away, why, you indicated you were just taking him for granted.

(GASPS) Oh!

Oh, Dr. Kramer doesn’t help you solve problems.

He just shows you how to analyze them.

For example, how does Sam like you to dress?

Well, conservative clothes...

Dark suits, quiet colors.

Exactly. Married clothes.

And you come along with a sport coat with black and orange checks.

(BOTH SNICKER)

Now, if she really liked that coat, you’d be in real trouble.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah. Why?

Because it would indicate that she’s not completely satisfied with married life.

That she yearns to be gay, single and carefree herself.

You see?

Your argument turned out to be amphigoric after all.

She was just showing you how much she loved you by giving away that coat.

Larry, I have to admit that Dr. Kramer seems to really know his stuff.

You know what I’m gonna do? I’m going to go out and buy a present at lunch

to show Sam how wrong I was.

Good idea.

You’re showing great psychological insight.

But remember, Darrin, when you buy Sam that gift,

a husband’s present to his wife

expresses exactly how he feels about her.

I don’t know why I let you talk me out of going back to the thrift shop

to get Darrin’s old coat.

That’s the one he loves, and that’s the one he should have.

Oh, Samantha, will you forget it? They’d never still have it,

and even if they do, we want something new. We do?

Uh, perhaps something in a Shetland. They’re very good this year.

No, I’m sorry.

Old or new, it has to be houndstooth.

With black and orange checks.

Well, if I may be permitted, madam,

we haven’t carried houndstooth for many years.

Today’s gentleman has grown a bit more, uh, sophisticated.

This is for yesterday’s gentleman.

Perhaps if you tried a costume shop.

Oh, no.

The baron usually gets his clothes tailored at the chateau.

But being so far from home, well...

Come, come, Louise.

Well, I guess I’d better go put some more pennies in the parking meter.

You sure this is it?

Oh, yes. I remember it quite well.

We dyed it as soon as it came in.

Why did you dye it?

Well, if you’re buying secondhand clothes,

you don’t want to stand out in a crowd like a neon light.

Oh, all right. I’ll take it. How much?

Well, it was your coat to begin with.

But for the repairs and the dye, $5.

Is that all?

Believe me, it’s more than we ever expected to get.

Thank you. Thank you.

Yuck!

This is ever so chic. Sophia Loren wears one.

Very much like it in her latest picture.

Was she married or single in the picture?

When she wore it she was single, but she got married right after.

Let me show it to you in hot pink. It’s a knockout.

LARRY: Just remember, Darrin, when you buy that gift for Sam,

a husband’s present to his wife expresses exactly

what he feels about her.

But be careful. In Sam’s mind,

sensible, conservative clothes equal happiness and security.

Frilly clothes and exotic colors equal jealousy

and dissatisfaction with married life.

Remember the houndstooth sport coat.

(SIGHS)

You see, in hot pink, it absolutely exudes

romance, gaiety, mystery.

Have you got anything that exudes a little less gaiety and mystery

and a little more security and contentment?

But, sir, you asked to see negligees, not flannel pajamas.

Maybe a bathrobe instead of a negligee.

Something comfortable.

Something like this, perhaps?

Well, uh, would you say that was a married woman’s robe?

Oh, yes. Definitely married. With children.

Perfect! Wrap it up.

Sam, about this morning, I wanted you to know that...

Well, I, uh, I brought you a little present.

Oh, isn’t that a coincidence?

It just so happens I got a little something for you, too.

Oh, you shouldn’t have done that. It was my fault.

Oh, now, shh. Just open it. Okay.

Oh, I love to get presents. So do I.

My houndstooth sport jacket.

Oh, Darrin! It’s...

Lovely.

It was, um, very considerate of you

to get this for me when I know how much you hate it.

Oh, I don’t hate it. I love it.

I just thought I hated it.

Now I know it’s just the kind of thing I want you to wear.

Um, aren’t you gonna try on your robe?

No.

No, I think I’ll wait a couple of decades.

But, sweetheart, I went to a great deal of trouble to find a present

that would express exactly how I feel about our marriage.

And you bought me a prison gown!

Oh!

And what does this express? I’ll tell you what this expresses!

It expresses a woman who is disappointed in married life,

a woman who wishes she was gay, carefree and single again!

Darrin, I’ll have you know

that I spent almost the whole day looking for a coat like that.

Then I went back to the thrift shop. Well, they dyed it,

and I had to twitch it back because I knew how much you wanted it.

You twitched it back! That’s more proof!

More proof of what?

That you wish you were single again.

That’s ridiculous.

I thought you honestly wished to give up witchcraft.

I really did. I thought you wanted to be a normal housewife.

Well, this shows me how wrong I was.

You really wish that you were a single, carefree, full-time witch again!

Well, I’d rather be a witch than a convict.

(STAMMERS) Well, that settles it.

There’s nothing more to discuss.

Darrin?

Don’t you dare walk out on me!

You see? You see? Every time you have a problem that you can’t handle,

you get excited, you resort to witchcraft.

Well, you know what that means psychologically.

Well, there’s nothing I can do about it, so just go ahead.

I am only human.

(DOOR SLAMS)

(MOANING, MUTTERING) Don’t twitch.

Don’t twitch! No, don’t twitch!

Darrin?

(MUTTERING) Please don’t twitch.

Darrin! No! No! Wait!

It’s okay, old buddy. I’m not twitching.

Oh, uh, hi, Larry.

You been here all night? (LOW WHISTLE)

Oh, was I wrong. Was I ever wrong!

Sam and I had one of the worst fights we ever had.

Wow. You two certainly aren’t ready to handle a centripedal kind of fight.

Darrin, you need expert advice.

Oh, Larry... Uh, no, Larry.

As of now, the doctor-patient relationship

between you and me is definitely over.

Well, not me. Dr. Kramer.

Let me call him and arrange for you and Sam to see him.

She’d never agree, Larry. She won’t even talk to me,

much less a psychiatrist.

Well, okay. I’ll tell you what.

I’ll have him come over here and pick you up.

Then you can both go over to your place and see Sam.

A doctor who makes house calls?

He sounds a little old-fashioned to me.

Don’t worry. You’ll love him. He’s a wizard.

(DIALING PHONE) Wizards I don’t need.

He bought you this?

Oh! It’s just like Duncan.

You get Tabatha ready, and I’ll pack your things.

You certainly are not going to stay one minute longer in a house

with a man who bought that as a present for his wife.

Mother, I’m not leaving just because we had a fight, so you can forget it.

Think I ought to call him at the office and apologize?

Certainly not! Not even mortal housewives do that.

Louise! Louise Tate!

I’m gonna call Louise and get the name of that psychiatrist.

He’s the one that started the whole thing in the first place.

Psychiatrist?

Oh, Samantha, you wouldn’t!

They’re anti-witch!

What’s so special about that? So’s everybody.

Yes, but they work at it.

They think we’re figments of people’s imagination.

TABATHA: Mommy.

Oh, dear. There’s Tabatha.

Would you see if she’s all right while I make the phone call?

Yes, hello, darling.

How’s Grandmamma’s little witchlet, huh?

I’ll wager you’re hungry. Grandmamma’s going to get you a bottle.

There. Use your own power, Tabatha.

Mama isn’t here.

There! That’s a girl!

That’s a girl!

Oh, you were hungry.

Oh, a psychiatrist!

My own daughter!

Where did I go wrong?

Well, I always say, if you need a professional, get the best.

Libido, Superego, id,

do for me just what I bid.

Dr. Freud, I presume.

How do you do?

Won’t you please step into my off...

Madame, these surroundings are unfamiliar to me.

Can you please tell me where I am und how I got here?

For your own peace of mind, Dr. Freud, don’t try to analyze it.

But this is not my office.

And I am not your patient. It’s my daughter.

Ah. Little girl.

Madame, you are very wise.

For the first time, someone has called me in time.

This is my granddaughter. My daughter is downstairs.

Follow me.

Samantha, you can forget about that quack.

I have the real McCoy.

Do I have to lie down? I feel silly.

Well, it’s customary, but if you prefer, you may remain upright.

Oh, thank you.

Quit stalling, Samantha. Tell Dr. Freud your problem.

Madam, if you interfere, I shall have to ask you to leave.

Your daughter will talk when she’s ready.

Well, I’m a witch.

Mmm-hmm. Go on.

Don’t you think that’s strange?

Do you?

No. That’s because I am one.

How long have you been a witch?

Ever since I was born.

I didn’t know about it until I was a year old. Right, mother?

Nine months. You were very precocious.

But that’s not my problem.

You think you are a witch, but that is not your problem, huh?

No, it’s my husband.

Is he a witch, too?

No, he’s a mortal, like everyone else.

That’s his problem.

Please.

You see, it all started when Darrin... That’s my husband,

got mad because I gave away his favorite sport jacket.

That one.

That is your husband’s favorite sport coat?

Unbelievable, isn’t it?

A friend of mine told me that that jacket

represented Darrin’s desire to be attractive and alluring to me,

and that I shouldn’t have given it away.

Anyone who finds that jacket

attractive and alluring to anyone

is showing symptoms of a severely disorganized mind.

Well, if it doesn’t mean that, what does it represent?

Bad taste.

I’ll go with that.

Madam, if your daughter wishes to tell me why she thinks she is a witch,

then we will have to go into her dreams,

her childhood frustrations,

her relations with her mother.

Mother’s a witch, too.

Yeah. Well...

That would be significant.

Because it’s not a psychological problem.

Witch or not, you appear to be a sensible woman.

Sensible women do not fight with their husbands

because the husband is partial to disagreeable sport coats.

That is silly.

In the future, when you fight, fight about important things.

Then you will not have to call upon me.

You sure you’re a psychiatrist?

You’ll receive my bill in a few days.

He’s a psychiatrist.

Uh, Darrin!

Where have you been?

Uh, Sam, this is Dr. Matthew Kramer.

I thought that he might help us.

How do you do? Mrs. Stephens.

Is that yours?

Yes, it is, but, uh...

Why, it’s beautiful! Where did you get it?

I’ve been looking for a houndstooth sport jacket like this for years!

You see, it is not necessarily a psychiatric symptom.

There are many people with bad taste.

Bad taste?

This is a classic sport jacket, and I...

I don’t believe I’ve met you.

My name is Dr. Sigmund...

Sigmund! Dr. Sigmund.

Well, Dr. Sigmund,

what right do you have to suggest that I have bad taste?

I did not suggest. I merely stated a fact.

That is the ugliest sport coat I’ve ever seen.

And in addition, doctor, you broke in on my patient.

Broke in on your...

Mr. Stephens, why didn’t you tell me that

you had consulted another doctor?

I, uh... I didn’t know.

Is this what you call professional ethics?

Don’t you lecture me on professional ethics!

I’ll have you know that I’ve been a practicing psychiatrist for a good many years.

Oh, yes, doctor? Well, I was a psychiatrist

before there were psychiatrists!

I’ll bet you were. Phony accent and all!

This looks like it’s going to be interesting.

How dare you insult my accent, you... You upstart!

Doctors, please, please!

Dr. Sigmund, I want to tell you something.

Guys like you give me a pain,

with your beards and your old-world manners.

I think you’ve all got father fixations.

Father fixations? Yes!

You take that back! You make me!

Oh, now, doctors, this is just a-a silly...

Uh, a-amphigoric argument.

You’re not really going to fight?

DR. KRAMER: A-ha!

Hold these.

There isn’t supposed to be any violence.

You’re supposed to watch out for each other’s vulnerable areas.

I’ll watch out for it! I think this guy’s got a glass jaw!

Sam, do something. Well, what can I do?

You might consider moving the furniture, darling.

Quick, before they hurt each other! You mean it?

I’ll father fixation you.

It’s guys like you who give the rest of us a bad name!

Don’t argue with me, honey! Do it! All right, all right.

Mother, I’ll take the big one.

DARRIN: Don’t forget to make him forget.

Where did he go?

Sorry, doctor.

Back to the unconscious.

Sam, I have to apologize. Darrin, I really feel so bad.

Oh, if you’re going to kiss and make up, I’m going to leave.

It’s nauseating.

Darrin? What?

I have an idea. What?

Let’s kiss and make up.

Say, how did he get...

Darrin? Yeah?

Close your eyes.

What for? Go on. Close ’em.

(CHUCKLES) Okay.

Closed?

Mmm-hmm. Can’t see a thing.

All right. Now, stand up.

With my eyes closed?

Mmm-hmm. Come on. Well, okay.

Keep ’em closed, now. Yeah.

Put your arms behind you.

Now, other arm.

Hmm.

Don’t peek. I’m not.

There. Okay?

Mmm-hmm.

Hey. Hey, this is something else!

Where did you get it?

I, uh, exchanged the houndstooth jacket for it.

Honey, you couldn’t have exchanged it. You...

Now, why did...

I exchanged the bathrobe, too.

What were you gonna say?

I forgot.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)