Original subtitles

Louise, I don’t want to hear about it. I’m not interested. I don’t...

Really?

What? Who?

They didn’t?

They did? Sam?

The Camden’s had a fight, and he left the house?

Sam? When?

Last night. And he took all the wedding presents?

Sam!

Oh, um, hi, sweetheart. Uh, breakfast will be ready in a minute.

You said that 20 minutes ago.

Louise, I’ll call you back. I can’t talk now.

Honey, you know how I hate gossip.

Darrin, I wouldn’t even listen to anything about anyone unless it was good.

And, boy, was that good!

Samantha! Okay, Darrin.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(KNOCKING AT DOOR) I’ll get it.

MAN: It’s diaper day.

Diaper Dan, at your service. Hi, Mrs. Stephens.

Just put it down anywhere, Dan. Ma’am.

Say, you know, Mrs. Stephens,

your husband being in the advertising business gave me an idea.

Oh?

Here. I thought it up myself.

"Compliments of Diaper Dan." Oh, isn’t that cute?

Oh no, you keep the rattle, Mrs. Stephens.

I want your baby to have the first one on the block.

Well, thank you, Dan. That’s very sweet of you.

Well, I gotta be going.

Oh say, did you happen to see the moving van in front of the Kirkeby’s?

The Kirkeby’s are moving? Not only that. Wait till you hear why.

The fountain of trivia runneth over.

Dan, I’m not interested.

Well, it’s just that Harry, Mr. Kirkeby,

and his secretary... That gorgeous blonde...

How gauche.

Well, maybe just a word or two.

Sam, for heaven sakes! Dan?

I really have to be going. So long, Mrs. Stephens.

Sam, can’t you understand that loose talk can be a dangerous thing?

All right, all right, Darrin, you’re right. Even Mother agrees with you.

Up to a point. It’s not that I’m opposed to gossip, you understand.

It’s this banal, mundane type that bores me.

Darrin, I was not gossiping. I was listening.

Besides, who’s going to know what’s been said here today?

That’s what Lincoln said in his Gettysburg Address.

(DARRIN ON TAPE) How you can even listen to him is beyond me.

(SAM ON TAPE) But, darling, Dan meant no harm.

(DARRIN ON TAPE) Dan has got a big mouth.

(SOFTLY) Hello, this is Dragonfly calling Mother Hubbard. Over.

MAN: Mother Hubbard calling Dragonfly. We read you. Go ahead.

Well, it worked. I planted a mike in the baby’s rattle.

Everything’s coming in loud and clear.

Good work. Report in as soon as you can. Over.

Roger and out.

Hello, Louise.

Oh, I just had a hunch it was you.

Yes, Darrin’s left.

Well, we had a few words, but everything’s all right now.

Yes. I think it’s just because he’s been working so hard on that Wright campaign,

but he’s come up with some wonderful ideas.

The only good idea he ever had was marrying you, I regret to say.

Shh, Mother. Hmm?

Oh, yes, I’m sure Larry’s going to love them.

He thought of a marvelous slogan.

"The Wright pen is the write pen for you."

Wright. Like in W-R-I-G-H-T. And write,

like in W-R-I-T-E.

Clever, huh?

Huh!

(SAM ON TAPE) Like in W-R-I-G-H-T.

And "write" like in W-R-I-T-E. (LAUGHS) Clever, huh?

I’ll say it is!

Peterson, get right on it. Use everything that’s on that tape.

Yes, sir, Mr. Kimberley.

I’ll pull that Wright account right out from under McMann and Tate.

What I wouldn’t give to see Larry Tate’s face when he makes his presentation.

What do you mean you’ve already seen this presentation?

We just finished it last night. Isn’t that true, Darrin?

Yes! Mr. Wright, we’ve spent a great deal of time and thought on this.

We think it’s very good.

Oh, it’s good. But as I said, I saw practically the same thing at the Kimberley office.

At least you could be more original.

More original? More original!

Nobody’s more original than McMann and Tate. Furthermore, Mr...

Steady, Larry, steady. Mr. Wright, before you make any decisions,

we’ll get started on another presentation right away.

Fair enough?

Fair enough. I’ll give you 24 hours.

Thank you.

I can’t understand it. How could Kimberley come up with the same idea?

Well, it happens, Larry. It happens.

We’ll just have to chalk it up to coincidence. Uh-oh.

Don’t look now, but guess who just came in.

Who? Kimberley.

Maybe if we ignore him, he’ll crawl away.

Well, Tate and Stephens. This is a coincidence.

(CHUCKLES) I was just saying the same thing, A.J.

Were you? How’s business, Tate?

Oh, make a million, lose a million. (LAUGHS)

I just heard about your tough luck with the Wright account.

Well, you can’t win them all. (LAUGHING)

So who says we lost it?

Well, I just took it for granted.

We’ll think of something, A.J.

I’m sure you will, Stephens.

Just as long as we don’t think of it first.

Mr. Kimberley, I believe our table’s ready, sir.

Oh. Well, see you in the rat race, boys.

(ALL CHUCKLING)

And there goes king rat. Meaning, you don’t trust Kimberley.

I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw an elephant.

An elephant. Larry, that’s it!

I’ve got an idea for a new presentation. I’ll see you at the office.

It’s just one of those things, honey. A coincidence.

Oh, I’m sorry, darling. You mean, you lost the account?

Not yet. Your old Darrin’s still in there pitching.

But I will be working late tonight.

I’ve got this great idea about an elephant and a whole new slogan.

"An elephant never forgets, but if you do,

"Write it down with the wright pen and you’ll always remember."

Oh, that’s marvelous!

Bye, darling.

ENDORA: Pitch for it. There !

Oh, you want the crackers! Well, hex it over for Grandmama.

There. That’s a good girl. Mother!

Now what? Don’t encourage her. Tabatha, mustn’t twitch.

If Darrin ever catches you, he’ll be furious.

He’ll never catch me. Besides, the way your husband works nights,

I have this peculiar feeling you’re married to a night watchman.

It’s an emergency, Mother. Darrin’s working on a simply marvelous new idea.

Isn’t he always?

Naturally! But this one’s a gas.

A... A what?

Oh, that’s advertising talk for sensational.

I want my rattle.

There you are. I probably shouldn’t mention it.

But it really is brilliant.

Darrin has an idea about using an elephant and a slogan that goes,

"An elephant never forgets. If you do, write it down with a Wright pen,

"And you’ll always remember."

(SAM ON TAPE) "...you’ll always remember."

How about that? Great!

Yeah, I like it.

Peterson, rush it to the art department, then over to Wright.

Yes, sir.

What? You couldn’t possibly have already seen these!

But I have, Mr. Tate, just an hour ago.

Gentlemen, your lack of inventiveness leaves me no alternative,

but to take my account elsewhere.

Uh, Mr. Wright. Mr. Wright !

We realize that presentations can be coincidental. It’s just one of those things.

But we’ll come up with the winner, I promise you.

WRIGHT: Well, I’ll have to make a decision soon.

DARRIN: Thank you, Mr. Wright. You won’t be sorry.

Larry! Larry, take it easy. Take it easy.

I tell you, there’s a spy in this company.

Come on, Larry, You’ve been seeing too many movies.

Once can be a coincidence. I’ll buy that. But twice? Never!

I hate to admit it, but you may be right.

I know I’m right.

Uh, Larry, what are you doing?

(SOFTLY) I’m looking for a hidden microphone. Your office must be bugged.

What’s this?

So you put it in here, huh, you little rascal?

Aha!

What’s this?

Larry, this is a job for professionals.

If there is a mike planted in here, we’ll never find it.

You’re right. I’ll get Security up here at once.

I’ll have every lock replaced and the combination of the safe changed.

I’m going to get to the bottom of this if I have to give a lie detector test

to everybody in the firm, including myself... And you!

Thank you.

Larry, is this really necessary? Absolutely.

This final presentation is top secret.

I don’t want you even to talk to Sam about it. Now, that’s an order.

Yes, sir. I was thinking...

Shh, shh. What’s the matter?

(WHISPERING) The olive. The olive?

The olive.

It may be bugged.

A mike?

A pimento.

Oh, hi, sweetheart!

Hi, darling. Still here, huh?

Oh! (CHUCKLES) I certainly wouldn’t leave without waiting

or Mr. Charm to come home.

Oh, now, now, Mother.

Sweetheart, you look tired. Why don’t you sit down and unwind?

Dinner will be ready in a little while.

Honey, hold it! Hold it! What in the world?

Larry’s idea. I’ve got the key here somewhere.

Really, Durwood.

Aren’t you carrying this ridiculous cloak and dagger business too far?

Ridiculous? Two of my best ideas stolen, and she calls it ridiculous.

We checked the office, everything.

Of course.

There’s a bug in this house. I beg your pardon!

Mother, Darrin wasn’t referring to you, were you? Were you?

No, honey, a bug. A microphone, a hidden microphone.

It could be hidden anywhere. In a lamp, under the table.

Honey, have you discussed the Wright campaign with anyone?

No. Only Mother. I wouldn’t repeat that drivel.

And Louise on the phone.

The phone? That’s it! They’ve tapped the phone.

Honey, from now on, you’re to stay away from that phone.

You’re not to talk to anybody. Not to anybody! Wait just a minute.

Because I casually mention your campaign to my mother and your boss’s wife,

are you trying to blame me for your troubles?

Confiding in a woman is like broadcasting by Telstar!

Then you shouldn’t have told me about it in the first place.

Well, you shouldn’t have listened to me!

You don’t have to shout. I’m not shouting!

Perhaps you’d prefer it if I didn’t speak to you at all.

That would suit me just fine, and that would be like declaring

a global news blackout.

I have a good mind to go home to Mother!

What for? Your mother’s always here!

Ohh!

I’m telling you, chief, they’re not even speaking to each other. Over.

MAN: Well, don’t just sit there on your diapers. Do something. Over.

Leave it to me. Roger and out.

(SIGHS)

Mother, look. Aren’t they gorgeous?

Let’s see. Oh!

Ohh, "From Darrin, with all his trust and love."

Oh, Mother, isn’t he wonderful? I was afraid he’d chicken out.

"Darrin, with love, Samantha."

What a sweetheart.

All right, you can take your new rattle to bed with you. Here you go.

Now, come on, turn around. Let me get this button fastened.

There. Pretty bow. Pretty bow and the kitty cats...

Hi, honey. Oh! Hi, sweetheart.

Hello, darling. You look tired.

Yeah, I’ve still got a lot more work to do on the Wright presentation.

But, first...

(GASPS)

Oh, Darrin, more roses.

My, you certainly are extravagant, but sweet.

DARRIN: I like the tie you sent me.

What do you mean, "more roses"? Why, these.

I didn’t send you any tie. You didn’t?

Oh, wait a minute. Mother sent us each a present to patch up our quarrel.

Endora? Are you kidding?

Well, sometimes she does what you don’t expect of her

just to keep you from thinking that you know what to expect from her.

Come to think of it, she did agree with me the other morning. That’s a switch.

See what I mean? Mother’s a switchy witch.

Well, this is it, honey. The meeting’s at 10:00 and it’s our last chance,

so there had better not be another coincidence. I’ll keep my fingers crossed.

Will you call me and let me know how it went? I sure will. Bye.

Oh, sweetheart, what about those?

Oh, those are just rough preliminary sketches I made.

Wish me luck. Good luck.

Good morning, Samantha. Good morning, Mother.

Oh, more roses from lover boy?

The red ones are from him.

(GASPS) Mother, he came up with the most marvelous idea for the campaign.

He was up all night working on it, but it was worth it.

Everything’s gonna turn out just perfectly.

Oh, naturally. Here in happiness house, it wouldn’t dare work out any other way.

Pooh.

Have you sunk to that level of repartee?

Pretty? What do you mean, the red roses are from him?

Now, Mother, go ahead, admit it. You know you sent the others.

I sent them?

And Darrin wants me to thank you for the lovely necktie.

How utterly preposterous!

Not that I wouldn’t like to give Durwood a necktie.

Very funny. Sweet, isn’t it?

Oh, Mother, wait a minute. If you didn’t send them, who did?

I haven’t the faintest idea.

And what’s more, I couldn’t possibly care less.

Well, I care. (ENDORA LAUGHING)

Um, Pat... Paterson...

Paterson Florist.

Information, could I have the phone number for the Paterson Florist, please?

Oh, this is what she calls brilliant?

He gets paid for this?

Are you sure there isn’t some mistake?

There’s no reason in the world for him to send...

Well, you see he’s our...

You’re positive. All right, thank you. Thank you very much.

Diaper Dan? (CHUCKLES)

Diaper Dan?

Oh, well, since I merely possess supernatural powers of the highest degree,

perhaps I’m not expected to understand.

Would you mind telling me what is so brilliant

about an astronaut in an ad? Or this...

Nauseating slogan, "When you fly to the moon,

"you’ll still be writing with the Wright pen.

For there’s only one right way to go into space, and only one right way to write"?

Whew! Mercy! Of all the idiotic things I’ve ever... Mother, listen.

Mother. What?

Of course!

But "of course" what?

Oh, how stupid! Stupid, stupid, stupid! Well.

Well, that’s what I was saying

about these scribblings of your husband’s. Shh!

(WHISPERING) Mother? What?

Do you remember what Darrin said about a bug being in the house

that could be hidden anywhere?

Mother, there it is! There’s the bug.

(CAR ENGINE REVVING)

There goes Diaper Dan! And thanks to you, there goes another one of Darrin’s ideas.

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

(CLATTERING)

Oh, splendid, Samantha!

Wait till you see this one. Out of the mouths of babes.

(BABY VOICE) Something wrong, Dan?

(LAUGHING) I lost my engine.

Who said that?

I did, Dan, I did.

Can I help?

May I, Samantha? Be my guest.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, smashing, Mother!

Ohh! (BACKFIRING NOISES)

(CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHING)

Oh, well.

(WHISTLING LIVELY TUNE)

Oh, my! Goodness me. Good morning, sweetheart.

Well, you certainly are in a good mood this morning.

Couldn’t be better. Coffee’s good, my paper’s here.

I’ve got a beautiful wife and a satisfied client. You couldn’t miss.

The presentation was sensational. I caught a glimpse of it the other night.

You saw it ? Mmm-hmm. And you thought I couldn’t keep a secret.

Well, what do you know? (KNOCKING AT DOOR)

I’ll get it.

Good morning, Mrs. Stephens. Good morning, Dan.

You can put it right over there.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, Mrs. Stephens, there’ll be a drew niver stopping by.

I mean, a new driver stopping by for a while. He’s going on... (STAMMERS)

I mean, I’m going on vacation.

How nice! Have a good time.

Good time? I’m spending a month at the Country Air rest home.

Did Dan say he was going to a rest home? Yes, dear.

Well, he did seem a little confused.

You might even say he was...rattled.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)