Original subtitles

SAMANTHA: Darrin? Yeah?

A cab just drove up.

It must be what’s-his-name,

the friend of your Great-Aunt Leticia’s from Ireland.

Jerry O’Toole? Oh, no.

What’s the matter?

This is one morning I can’t afford to be late to the office.

I hate to do this, honey, but I’m gonna have to sneak out the back door.

Well, that’s not being very hospitable. But look at the time!

Surely you can take just a minute to say hello.

You can’t say hello to an Irishman in a minute.

Now don’t fret, I’ll see him when I get home tonight.

Oh, all right. He’s not my Great-Aunt Leticia’s friend.

Relax. I didn’t even remember I had a Great-Aunt Leticia until she wrote. Bye, honey.

I should think you’d be curious

to meet someone from Derrybrien.

Not a bit.

Oh! Sure and ya must be Darrin, or my name isn’t Gerry O’Toole.

Gerry? For Geraldine.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, it’s a darlin’ home you have.

A darlin’ home. Thank you.

So you’re Darrin.

Your great-aunt told me what a darlin’ man you were.

Aw, she only said that because it’s true.

What? Oh, yeah.

She’s got a great sense of humor. She’s a darlin’.

Uh, how about a cup of tea?

Oh, no, no.

I don’t want you to go to any trouble on my account.

Oh, it’s no trouble.

I’ll not be a burden to ya.

I want to be treated

just like one of the family durin’ my stay.

Oh, well, now, Gerry, a cup of tea certainly isn’t...

Uh, how long are you going to be able to stay?

Well, just till I get started.

Started with what?

Well, the first thing I’d best be doin’ is finding myself a job.

What sort of work do you do, Gerry?

Well, if I do say so myself,

I’m pretty good at weaving.

DARRIN: Maybe I can find you something

in the garment industry.

Or you might even get a job as a model.

A model!

Aw, sure you’re playin’ games with me. Isn’t he?

Not yet.

(YOWLING)

Y-Y-You don’t have a cat here in the house, now do ya?

That’s the baby.

The baby.

Well, ain’t that darlin’?

You don’t like cats?

That I don’t.

The way they’re always sneakin’ around

and jumpin’ at you when you least expect it.

Honey, while you’re taking care of the baby,

I’ll show Gerry to the guest room.

Oh, that’s a marvelous idea.

While Darrin’s taking care of the baby,

I’ll show you to the guest room.

Mmm, I must say, Samantha,

it was a wonderful dinner.

Thank you, Gerry.

Honey, you can’t fix that.

The hole’s this big.

Well, I can always make another sleeveless sweater out of it.

It’s too late. Too late?

I’m afraid I mended it before dinner.

Let me see, honey.

Why, that’s about the best reweaving job I ever saw!

Yes, it’s most unusual.

Oh, my! What a lovely garden you have out there.

W-Would you be a darlin’ and show it to me?

Well, sure. Come on, honey.

No, you two darlings go ahead.

Well, I’ve heard of being handy with a needle, but this is ridiculous.

And what’s even more ridiculous

is your gullibility, my dear.

Did you ever see a human who could do weaving like that?

But, Mother, Gerry’s a friend of Darrin’s great-aunt.

If she is, I’m his great-uncle.

You mean, she’s one of us? No.

Just think a minute.

Hates cats?

Ooh! A wood nymph!

And there’s only one thing

a wood nymph hates worse than a cat,

and that’s...

BOTH: A witch.

Yes. Well, I wonder what she wants.

I don’t know, but you’d better find out.

(GERRY GIGGLING) And fast!

Bye!

Oh, Samantha,

it’s a lovely garden ya have. Well, thank you, Gerry.

Oh, darling, I thought I heard the baby.

Would you mind taking a peek?

Sure, honey. Maybe Gerry’d like to watch a little television.

I have some other entertainment in mind. Well, good!

All right, you. What do you want here?

Why, whatever do ya mean?

You’re a wood nymph, aren’t you?

(SIGHS) Right ya are. That I am.

And I don’t mind tellin’ ya it’s a great relief to be gettin’ it off me chest.

Well, I mean, the burden that I been carryin’... Hold it!

Never mind the blarney. I want to know what you’re doing here!

Oh. Well,

as you must know, it’s the work of a wood nymph

to bless the homes of all the true sons of the old sod.

And me, I’ve been takin’ care

of Darrin’s family for centuries.

GERRY: And that’s why I come.

We’ve been in this house for over two years. What took you so long?

Well, we are a bit behind in the schedule.

I mean, especially with the immigrants.

The fact that I’m married to Darrin doesn’t bother you?

You mean, because you’re a witch? Oh, no. Of course not.

That’s all changed now.

It’s, uh, forgive and forget. That’s our feelin’s now.

Really? Well, I’m surprised Mother didn’t know about that.

ENDORA: That’s only because it isn’t true.

It’s not? Now, look here, Woody.

DARRIN: Baby’s okay, honey. Oh, dear.

She’s as snug as a...

Sorry I had to put you in the deep freeze, darling, but we have to thrash this out.

All right. Now, I want the truth.

(CATS MEOWING) (YELPS)

If you don’t tell me why you’re really here, I’ll let them in.

No, no, don’t be doing that.

Will you tell me the truth? Yes, yes! Don’t let them in!

(MEOWING STOPS)

Well?

It’s the curse of Killcarney County that’s brought me here.

The curse of what? Killcarney County.

That was the manor house of Darrin the Bold.

He was an ancestor to your Darrin,

and he lived in the 15th century.

Well, what did Darrin the Bold do?

He slew Rufus the Red, that’s what he did.

He was a darlin’ man and a good friend,

the way he’d always leave little bits

of food out on the doorstep so we’d never go hungry.

And when Darrin slew him, we put a curse on him and on all his descendants.

So now you know.

But that’s not fair!

My Darrin didn’t have anything to do with it.

Well, I know that, but a curse is a curse,

and I shouldn’t have to be tellin’ the likes of you that.

Oh!

Mother! Mother, you’re going to have to do something!

Oh, Samantha, please don’t carry on so.

It’s embarrassing and human.

Now, actually, he just might survive this curse, you know?

Suppose he doesn’t.

Well, we can’t fight progress.

Mother!

Now, I choose to believe that you’re joking,

but whether you are or not, I am not going to take this lying down.

N-Now, do you remember when all this happened. The exact date, I mean?

Sure I do. It’s burned in me memory.

Why, we even made up a poem about it.

"’Twas the 12th of Michaelmas in ’72

"When Darrin the Bold our Rufus did slew."

It was a better rhyme in the 15th century.

Yes. Uh, well,

a-a-all right, how about a temporary truce?

Well, I, uh... You’ve waited 500 years.

Now, a few hours can’t make any difference.

I don’t think... (IMITATES CAT HISSING)

All right, all right!

Mother? What?

I’d like to speak to you in private.

As soon as I get him back in circulation.

...bug in a rug.

Excuse me.

Oh, sure.

Would you like to watch a little television?

There’s a good movie on tonight.

GERRY: Oh, what is it? The Cat and the Canary.

Why don’t we just sit down and have a little chat?

Well, that suits me.

Samantha, you can’t be serious.

Oh, but, Mother, it’s the only way.

"Undo the Deed" is the only way! No!

Oh, Mother, please let’s try "Undo the Deed."

I wish you’d stop referring to it as if it were some sort of parlor game,

instead of one of the most dangerous of all practices!

If I can go back to the 15th century, I can stop Darrin the Bold

from killing Rufus the Red, and the curse will be removed!

You don’t realize how risky it is!

Once you go back in time, you won’t be able to use your witchcraft.

I know. You’ll have only your wits to rely on.

Well, I realize that it’s a risk, but that’s a chance I’ll have to take.

Oh, Samantha, I cannot let you do it!

Mother, somebody has to go back to the 15th century to save Darrin’s life.

You wanna do it?

Samantha,

get ready for takeoff.

"To undo the deed that once was done

"To now undo the deed that’s done

"Into the past the days do run

"We seek the day the deed was done."

SAMANTHA: Take care of the baby, Mama, and Darrin.

I think Donald is being well taken care of.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, you’re beautiful, baby! Oh, you’re marvelous!

MAID: Sire!

Ah, this is good, but you’re better. MAID: Sire!

(LAUGHING) Oh, please, sire. I have to finish me work upstairs.

Not until you finish your work downstairs!

(CLEARS THROAT)

Well.

Your tankard of ale, sire.

And what is your name, lass?

Samantha, sire.

Samantha! Oh, that’s a lovely name. It’s lovely, lovely.

Upstairs, wench, and finish your work!

Tell me something, girl.

Aye?

How is it that the likes of you has escaped me notice

when there’s a light about you that shines forth like a beacon at sea,

and your hair all golden round your head,

and your eyes sending out an invitation

to any man who has eyes for a girl with spirit and fire?

How’s that again?

Where’ve you been all me life?

(YELPS) I was a-waiting for you to come to Killcarney.

My name is Darrin the Bold.

Well, sure, and I didn’t think you were Darrin the Meek.

I dearly love a saucy lass.

Oh, the beauty of you takes my breath away.

(GRUNTS)

You are a knockout.

(CHUCKLING)

Oh, if it’s taming you want, you came to the right place.

I-I-If you’ll excuse me, sire,

I have to get back to me duties in the kitchen.

Oh, but a lass like you shouldn’t be slaving away in the kitchen.

You’re much too pretty for that.

How would you like to move up in the world?

Move up? I want you at me side.

Oh, well, thank you, sire.

But I’m not thinking of marriage right now.

Neither am I.

I’m thinking of making you the upstairs maid,

you little vixen, you! (YELPS)

Don’t be afraid of me, lass!

Don’t be afraid of me, Darrin!

I’m not afraid. I’m not afraid. Where is everybody?

Your wife’s away on an emergency. Where?

Ooh, I’m that sorry. Did I hurt you, sire?

Me, Darrin the Bold, who’s faced the fierceness of the Norman foe

and taken the measure of the murtherin’ English, hurt by a frail lass like you?

(LAUGHS, GROANS) Oh, you don’t know your own strength, girl.

A noble lord waits without and would speak with you, sire.

Let him enter!

Enter!

I am Rufus the Red.

I am Darrin the Bold.

I would set up me camp in your fields for the night.

You may do so.

You will provide grain for the horses and food for my men?

If you pay.

A guest does not pay.

A guest is invited.

I do not pay!

I do not give!

Pay! Give!

You’ve got a great deal to learn about chivalry, sir.

Do you prefer to duel on foot or mounted?

On foot,

that way you’ll be closer to your grave.

At my camp? Within the hour.

So be it.

Come!

Sire,

I must speak with ye.

What is it, lass?

In private.

Oh, in private it is.

I’ll see you in my room. Anon.

But... Anon!

(GRUNTING)

(CHUCKLES)

RUFUS: Who goes there?

’Tis I.

Ah, you belong to Darrin, do you not?

I belong to no man.

Well, now, come in, come in.

And what can I do for you, lass?

Would you put your wee boot on that, sire?

Height, 6’3".

Well, what are you doin’?

Oh, don’t pay any attention to me.

Waist, 36.

Now, place your arms so, sire. Now breathe in.

(INHALES)

Now out. (EXHALES)

Hmm. Will you tell me what you’re doin’?

First, what do you weigh?

Thirteen stone eight, but...

Oh, no doubt about it. I’m going to need a very sturdy cloth.

What are you talkin’ about, lass?

Well, would you believe it?

The last few souls that challenged his master

came right through the shrouds.

Shroud? You’re measuring me for a shroud?

Ooh, there’s not a thing to worry about, sire.

I’m the best shroud maker in the country.

And you work for Darrin the Bold?

Only for the master, sire.

Why, there aren’t enough hours

in the day or the night

for me to make all the shrouds I have to make.

He keeps you that busy?

Well, I’m not sure about that, sire.

Perhaps it would be fairer to say that

the men who challenge the master keep me that busy.

Just last month, he...

(WHISPERS INAUDIBLY)

Well, come in, lass, come in.

Please, sire, I’ve come to speak to you on a matter of grave importance.

Go ahead, lass, I’m listenin’.

Ow!

Somehow I’m gettin’ the feelin’ that I don’t appeal to you.

Oh, no, no, sire. I really like ye.

It’s just that... I’m shy.

If you were any shyer, I’d be bruised from head to toe.

What is this matter of grave importance?

Well, I just happened to be walkin’ by the camp of Rufus the Red,

and I overheard some of his men talkin’.

Now, whatever you do, don’t fight Rufus on foot.

He’s killed over a hundred men that way.

Bah, a hundred men...

A hundred men, you say?

Aye.

Why do you think they call him Rufus the Red?

Not because of his hair?

Because of... (IMITATES SLASHING)

Perhaps it would be wiser if I fought him mounted.

It would be,

except that he’s killed even more men on horseback.

If I were you, I’d try some other way.

What other way is there?

Well, how about a nice wrestlin’ match?

You seem to be very good at that.

(KNOCKING)

Enter!

Oh, Muldoon, it’s not time for the duel yet.

There’s no rush.

There’s no duel, sire.

There’s not?

Why not?

Rufus the Red has sent men to pay for the food and grain they need.

You don’t say.

Oh, that’s terrific!

I mean, the saints be praised.

So the snivelin’ coward backed out of the duel.

Yes. But if you want to go ahead with it, sire...

No!

After all, the man is my guest.

Yes, sire.

(DOOR CLOSES)

I’m wonderin’ what made Rufus change his mind.

Well, sire,

maybe he heard what a brave fighter you are,

and all the great battles you’ve won,

and the fierce dragons that you’ve killed.

Aye, that would strike fear in...

What dragons? I never fought a dragon.

You haven’t? No.

Not that I can remember.

Oh. Well, I wouldn’t mention that to Rufus.

He somehow got the impression

that you hold the world’s record

for dragon slewing... Uh, slaying.

And now, if you’ll excuse me, sire,

me work here is finished.

Oh, no, it’s not.

Mother!

I knew the lass had spirit, but this is ridiculous!

GERRY: Oh, Darrin...

Oh!

Are ya all right?

Oh, me poor darlin’.

DARRIN: I really fell head over heels, didn’t I?

GERRY: Oh, it’s all my fault.

DARRIN: Oh, no, you tried to warn me.

Oh, look, Gerry. Gerry! Gerry, please.

I think I better tell you something. I’m very much in love with my wife,

and if you don’t stop chasing me around,

I’ll be on crutches by the time Samantha gets back.

Well, well.

When the cat’s away, the mouse will play, won’t she? Or try to.

Well, (STAMMERS) I was just trying to give a bit of comfort to the poor man.

Sure you were.

Well, Gerry, me darlin’, you’ll be happy to know that you can leave now.

I’ve undone the killing of Rufus the Red

and the curse on Darrin Stephens has been lifted.

I don’t believe ya.

Well, go home. You’ll find out.

I’m not budging till I have positive proof.

How else can I prove it?

That’ll not be a problem of mine.

Well, if you won’t go back,

there’s only one thing I can do.

Mother? ENDORA: Yes, dear?

She wants positive proof.

ENDORA: You shall have it.

(THUNDER CRACKING)

Rufus, me darlin’!

Gerry, my love!

Oh, Samantha, I want you to meet a darlin’ man,

the love of my life, Rufus the Red.

We’ve sort of met.

DARRIN: Is that you, Samantha?

Oh, dear. Uh, yes, Darrin.

Don’t tell me he’s here.

I’d hate to have to explain all this,

so, if you don’t mind...

Ah, not in the least.

Oh, it’s happy indeed you’ve made me.

Come, darlin’. Goodbye, Samantha.

GERRY: You’re a love!

Hi. Hi!

Did you miss me? Mmm, I sure did.

With someone like Gerry to keep you company?

Oh, come on.

She’s awful pretty.

But, Sam, she’s too aggressive.

She’s gonna have trouble getting a man.

Oh, I don’t think so.

By the way, she told me to tell you goodbye.

She left? How come?

Well, you might say she, um, got her old job back.

Good. Anyway, I’m glad to see you. (CHUCKLES)

Darrin? Hmm?

Have you ever thought of growing a mustache?

No.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)