Original subtitles

SAM: And we’re gonna take one little bite.

There you go! Isn’t that good? Crunch.

Crunch, crunch, yeah! It’s delicious.

Don’t forget, honey. Call me from the doctor’s office the minute he finishes.

Oh, but, darling, she’s only having a checkup, and we know she’s in perfect health.

The diaper rash. Be sure and ask him about the diaper rash.

I’ve been losing a good deal of sleep over that diaper rash.

Tabatha hasn’t.

And over-drooling. As I see it, she’s been over-drooling.

I’m surprised at you.

And be sure to tell him that Phil Hooverback’s little girl is potty-trained at 11 months.

That’s pretty precocious training.

Darling, you’re so nervous, you’re going to need a checkup more than Tabatha.

Now, look at her. Isn’t she fine? Isn’t she beautiful?

She is beautiful, and so are you.

Oh, thank you.

And I still want you to call me the minute the doctor finishes his checkup.

Yes, sir.

"Bye, Daddy." Bye-bye, Daddy.

Good girl.

Mr. Stephens, please.

Hi, Darrin, it’s me.

I promised I’d call as soon as Dr. Koblin finished Tabatha’s exam.

Well, he says she’s...

Oh, wait, wait, wait. I’ve got my list right here somewhere,

Mixed up with this miserable Robbins campaign.

Okay. Now, what did he say about her...

Just a minute, sweetheart.

Dr. Koblin? Hmm?

As one baby expert to another, please, do you mind?

Oh, why, certainly. (CHUCKLES)

Here we go. Darrin.

I’m happy to report your daughter’s perfect in every department.

Um, about this diaper rash...

Yes.

Wonderful.

Yes, I checked that thoroughly.

Uh-huh. Excellent.

DARRIN: I have a feeling she’s been over-drooling. Oh, I checked that thoroughly.

And the potty-training? A friend of ours...

Her little girl was potty-trained at 11 months.

Is that... KOBLIN: Excellent. Couldn’t be better.

DARRIN: That was my diagnosis exactly.

KOBLIN: I’m so happy to have your confirmation, "Dr. Stephens."

That’s right.

Darrin, she’s a perfectly marvelous, sensational, absolutely wonderful,

typical, average baby.

Good-bye.

Hi.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Now, Tabatha, I want you to do that test,

And I certainly hope you flunk it.

I think.

Now,

You can’t get that pretty pony, can you, Tabatha?

Can you get the pretty pony? Come-a.

(CHUCKLES) She can’t get the pretty pony.

Pretty pony. She can get the pretty pony.

Oh, just wait until your father finds out.

Oh, what could be worse?

My mother finding out. That could be worse.

Finding out what, dear?

Oh, Mother, what a lovely surprise!

Oh, but right at Tabatha’s nap time. What a rotten shame.

Come on. Let’s let her get to sleep.

Oh, if she’s going to sleep, she needs her bottle.

What is going on here?

Oh, nothing, Mother. Nothing at all.

Now, I didn’t use my power to float that bottle to Tabatha,

And I know you promised Darwin to restrain yourself.

Now, that leaves only Tabatha.

Tabatha! Is that what’s going on here?

Oh, how utterly, utterly divine!

Put the bottle down, dear, and come to Grandmama.

Oh, you little dear! Welcome to the fold!

Mother... What?

Uh, mother? What?

Maybe it’s just a fluke. Fluke?

In our family? Oh, don’t be absurd.

Well... Darwin.

That’s what it is.

Ah, he doesn’t know? You haven’t told him yet?

Oh, how delicious. (CHUCKLES)

Darling, let Mother tell him for you. It will be quite fitting.

No, mother, no. Absolutely not.

I want to prepare Darrin to get him used to the idea.

And when he is used to the idea, then I want to tell him myself.

Now, I mean it. Until I do tell Darrin otherwise,

Tabatha is just a typical, average baby,

just like the doctor said.

That’s what the doctor said,

"Your baby is perfect in every department,

"wonderful, marvelous, sensational."

I could say more, but I don’t like to brag. Really?

It’s not noticeable.

But let me tell you what another man said, our client, Mr. Robbins.

He said this campaign is no good!

"No good"?

I’ve been working night and day for three solid weeks on this account.

I haven’t been home to dinner. I haven’t seen my wife or daughter.

I know it, Darrin. That’s why I want you to take the afternoon off.

Take the afternoon off? Sure!

Go home, see your wife and daughter. Rest, relax, get a new lease on life.

In one afternoon.

Yeah, on account of Robbins is coming to town tonight,

and I’m bringing him over to your place for cocktails...

So you can get a better feel of the kind of image his firm wants.

I see.

You want me to take the afternoon off to rest and relax,

Get to know my wife and daughter, get a new lease on life,

So I can slave night and day for another three weeks or more.

Right? Right.

All right, Larry.

If you want to make a physical wreck out of a perfect-in-every-department

baby’s father, well, that’s okay with me.

Mother? Yes, dear.

Larry’s bringing a client over for cocktails.

I’ve got to run out and get some hors d’oeuvres.

Well, Tabatha and I will be just fine alone, dear.

Well, you won’t be alone for long, Mother.

Darrin’s going to be home early.

And if he gets here before I get back, remember,

now remember, not one word about Tabatha being a...

Um, uh, you know.

The word’s "witch," dear.

Hey. Behave yourself.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Ah, Tabatha, my dear,

We’re finally alone.

Let’s have some fun, huh?

Now, watch Grandmama now.

Peekaboo!

Peekaboo!

Tabatha. Tabatha,

Do you think you could do that fun trick for Grandmama?

Go on. Try, dear.

Funny. Go on. Try harder.

Very well. Come to think of it,

Your own mama couldn’t disappear past her knees until she was five.

Well, let’s see now.

Let’s see now, hmm?

Ah! That’s it!

Let’s see if Grandmama’s little darling has developed basic topsy-turvy.

Shall we, huh? Look.

Watch the lamp.

See it?

There. Now, flip it back.

There. Oh! Hex it for Grandmama.

Hex it for Grandmama.

Well, I guess the lamp is too heavy for your little hand.

Now, Tabatha,

Now, pretty, pretty.

Let’s try this little dish, huh?

Now, watch the little dish.

There. Yes.

Oh.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Honey, I’m home!

Hi, Endora. When did you swoop in?

Is that any way to greet your daughter’s Grandmama?

Oh, sorry. Hi, Granny.

And how is Gaddy’s little girl? (LAUGHS) Out! Out!

Did you hear she passed her pediatrician checkup with flying colors?

Oh, she’s quite a little girl, all right. Where’s Samantha?

She went to the store to get hors d’oeuvres

or something equally foolish for your client.

Yes. He and Larry are coming over this evening.

She’d never have to do such menial things if she didn’t have a mortal for a husband.

Oh, she could arrange a cocktail party just like that.

(CHUCKLING) How dare you?

How dare I what? What? What?

How dare you what, what, what? How dare you...

How dare you perform feats of M-A-G-I-C in front of my daughter?

(SCOFFS) I guess I lost my H-E-A-D.

Endora, this is a serious matter.

These are Tabatha’s formative years,

and I don’t want her normal little psyche scarred with M-A-G-I-C.

And another thing. When you’re left to mind Tabatha,

don’t put so many toys in her playpen.

Why, she loves a lot of toys.

I know what’s best for my daughter.

Now, cut that out! I didn’t do it!

Oh, then explain how such a thing could happen.

Oh, you’re getting much too clever.

I can’t fool you at all anymore, can I, dumbo?

Darrin! Oh, yes.

Whatever you say. Excuse Daddy for losing his temper, sweetheart,

But I’m the one guy in the world who can say without malice...

His Mother-in-law is a W-I-T-C-H!

Oh, he can spell it out till the cows come home,

but we both know what we are, don’t we, Tabatha?

Get the pony!

That’s a girl! (LAUGHS)

That’s a girl. That’s Grandmama’s little girl.

Purity, Darrin. I am looking for purity

and something soft and something absolutely innocent.

Well, purity and innocence are fine, but how are they gonna help sell transmissions?

I don’t know. All I know is the Robbins firm wants to change its image.

We’ll let our competitors shove transmissions down the buyers’ throats.

We don’t find that palatable.

Mark, I’m sure Darrin can come up with the campaign you want.

Sam, how’s Tabatha?

Oh, she’s fine. I’d let you take a peek at her, but she’s asleep.

She’s wide awake. I was just up there. You wanna see her?

ROBBINS: Well, sure, that sounds fine. Oh, now, Darrin,

Larry saw the baby just three days ago,

and I know that Mr. Robbins isn’t interested.

That was before the doctor said she was perfect, absolutely perfect.

Darrin, he didn’t mean that literally.

No baby’s absolutely perfect.

Argue with the doctor. He’s the one who said it.

Come on. Let’s go up there and put her through her tricks.

Tricks? But, uh, uh...

Come on, honey.

(STAMMERING) Well, all right.

Look at that face.

I’ve been told she looks like me. Maybe not through the ears,

But there’s a strong resemblance.

Look at that face!

Don’t you see? That’s our new image...

Softness, purity, absolute innocence.

Hey. I know what you mean.

And don’t forget beauty.

Yes. Yes, indeed. Right.

And these are areas that have never been associated with truck transmissions.

It’s a very original idea.

ROBBINS: Just picture,

Tabatha’s face plastered on billboards all over the country,

With a caption reading,

"A Robbins transmission makes you feel

"almost shiftless."

I think we can iron out that slogan, Mark.

Uh, yes, and I’ll arrange an appointment for Tabatha with the agency photographer.

But I don’t think... ROBBINS: No, no, no.

We don’t want just any agency photographer.

There’s just one man who can do justice to that face.

But I really don’t think...

LARRY: Diego Fenman? ROBBINS: Who else?

Can you get him? Certainly!

Only about the greatest baby photographer in the world!

Sam, imagine Tabatha being photographed by Diego Fenman! How about that?

Well, I’m afraid we can’t do that. Why?

Um, well, you know what they say happens

to babies who go into modeling or show business.

They get their picture all over everything,

they start believing their own press clippings,

and they bounce from marriage to marriage.

Sam, at her age, she won’t even know what she’s doing.

With a face like Tabatha, we’ve got a winning campaign.

You really think she’s cute, don’t you, Mark?

Like he said, she’s a doll.

Maybe she’s got one of those faces that photograph fat or something.

Sam, I’d like to go through with this. Well, if you ask me...

Fine! I’ll call Diego Fenman

and set up an appointment for Tabatha early Saturday morning.

Great! Honey,

I’ll bet we are the only father-and-daughter

advertising team in the country.

That calls for a drink. Absolutely. Come on, Mark.

There, sweetheart. Now, you go to sleep. I’ll take your pony.

Oh, Mark!

Good night, sweetheart. Sleep tight. Tomorrow’s the big day.

Tomorrow? Big day.

Coming, sweetheart? In a minute.

Now, Tabatha, you have to be good tomorrow.

Yeah.

Because I can’t stop them from using you in the campaign.

Not when it means so much to your daddy.

And I can’t tell your daddy about you,

because then he’d be afraid to let them use you in the campaign.

No!

Now, that’s what I mean. You’re gonna have to be good.

Funny.

Oh, I know.

I know what a wonderful feeling it is to be part of the magical life,

to have so much at your fingertips.

But we’re living in a world that just isn’t quite used to people like us,

And I’m afraid they never will be.

So I’m going to have to be very firm with you.

You’re going to have to learn when you can use your witchcraft,

and when you can’t.

Now, your wonderful daddy wants us to be just plain people,

so you’re gonna have to stop wiggling your fingers whenever you want anything...

(GASPS) Tabatha!

You twitched your nose! Just like mommy!

Oh, you are your mother’s daughter, all right.

Oh, how charming.

when every other mother in the world is telling her child,

"Mustn’t touch,"

you’ll be saying, "Mustn’t twitch." Mother, cut that out!

Oh, we must tell Darwin.

Let’s go in and watch him fall on the floor in an emotional heap.

No, Mother, I will tell him myself, and it’s going to be hard enough

without you adding your gloating little zingers.

Bye-bye, Mother. Oh, you sure know how to take the fun out of things.

I must have learned it from you.

Phew!

Well, Tabatha, wish me luck.

This is going to be the hardest little speech

ever delivered in the history of a marriage.

(COOING)

Let me see.

"Darrin, Tabatha is a witch."

No. No, that’s too abrupt.

Let’s see. How about,

"Darrin, I have something to tell you

"that I don’t think will exactly be a thrill"?

No. That’s too chicken.

Maybe I can write him a note.

No. I’ll tell him first thing in the morning.

So, you see, Darrin, it’s really nothing.

All it amounts to is that Tabatha is a witch.

(CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS)

(YAWNS) Oh.

Darrin?

Oh...

Darrin!

(GASPS)

"Dear Sam,

"Tabatha and I have gone to the photographer’s studio.

"We wanted to let you sleep. Don’t worry, everything will be fine. Love, Darrin."

Oh, disaster time!

Photographer’s studio.

All right, gentlemen, I’m in the mood now. So are we.

Hi, Darrin, Larry, Mr. Robbins. Sam.

Oh, boy, am I glad I got here.

Tabatha’s just about to going front of the camera.

Oh, well, I’ll go with her. She’ll need her mommy.

Uh-uh-uh. Diego Fenman works alone.

Samantha, this is Diego Fenman, the master photographer.

The Michelangelo of the portrait world.

An artist in the truest sense of the word. A Rembrandt if ever there...

Oh, my, I’m glad to meet you, Mr. Fenman. Thank you.

Uh, wouldn’t you like me to go in there with you?

Oh, no.

An audience tends to freeze my creative flow.

Um... Mustn’t freeze his flow.

Darrin, do something. About what?

Sam, I assure you that Diego Fenman is an expert at handling children.

Oh, but Tabatha’s different.

Mrs. Stephens, you’ll be very pleased with the results.

Diego works magic with a camera.

Yes, but so does...

Works magic with a camera, huh?

(CHUCKLES) That’s nice.

See that nice bearsy there?

All right now, Tabatha, you make cutesy for Uncle Diego.

Watch the pretty pony.

Uncle Diego ought to lay off the funny water when he’s gotta work the next day.

Watch the pony!

I knew I had problems, but wait till my analyst hears about this!

How long are they gonna be in there? Honey, relax.

Diego’s very thorough, Mrs. Stephens.

Why, the man’s very nearly a genius.

He just wants to get a perfect pose for the ad campaign, Sam.

I’m sure Tabatha’s fine.

All right, now. Make cutesy for Uncle Diego.

There we go.

Diego’s gone flipsy again.

The whole brain is falling right out the back of the head.

I’ve gotta peek. (LAUGHING) Honey, go ahead.

Anxious mothers.

I can stand it no longer.

(GROANING)

Tabatha, come on. Up.

What happened? You wouldn’t believe it.

My analyst will not believe it, but I believe it.

I’ve seen it! I mean, I saw it with my own eyes.

Diego, did you get any pictures?

I got all kinds of pictures.

I got floating stuffed octopus pictures,

and bouncy rubber ball pictures and...

She did it.

She’s the one who did it to me. Oh, take her away!

Put her away!

That is one nutty baby!

DARRIN: Wait a minute!

Are you trying to blame this silly display of emotion on my daughter?

A helpless one-year-old? You ought to be ashamed of yourself!

I ought to be ashamed? She ought to be ashamed!

You talk to her. You do something with her.

I’ve tried everything, my charm, my exuberant personality.

I even used my pretty picture of a pretty pony.

That pretty picture has amused every single child

I have ever worked with except her!

Oh, I tell you, she did this to me!

Funny.

Come on, Sam.

I don’t have much patience with a person who abuses babies.

Or with babies who abuse photographers.

Now, mustn’t twitch!

Please!

Honey!

(SIGHS)

Wow, Mr. Fenman sure took a lot of pictures.

I didn’t think he had time.

You should have heard Larry and Mark. They really flipped over the results.

This is the one we’re going to use to launch the ad campaign.

Oh, Darrin, isn’t that cute?

You can say what you want,

but Diego Fenman, he still is pretty close to being a genius.

What do you mean? Well, look at this.

This is the most amazing trick photography I’ve ever seen.

Do you see any wires?

No.

No, I can’t say that I do.

Anybody would think that that toy octopus was actually suspended in midair.

Hmm. Certainly would.

Now, aren’t you glad you let him take the pictures?

You were just worrying for nothing. Yes, darling.

You have a beautiful, wonderful daughter,

and I hope she grows up to be just like you. (CHUCKLES)

Something tells me you’re gonna get your wish.

(MOUTHING WORDS)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)