Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

You tired, honey?

Oh, exhausted.

How about you? Not a bit.

I'm still keyed up from the party tonight.

[YAWNS] I was pretty funny, huh?

[LAUGHS]

Yes, well, now, you relax and try and get some sleep, huh?

Okay.

Darrin.

Darrin, you left your light on.

[DARRIN SNORES]

Darrin.

Darrin!

Darrin? Mm?

You're snoring.

Oh, that's okay, honey. I don't mind.

[DARRIN SNORING]

[SNORING]

[SNORING LOUDER]

[LOUD SNORING]

[SNORING]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Good morning, sweetheart. Oh, hi, honey.

Ready for your breakfast?

I'll have to pass, honey. No time.

Oh, Darrin, do you have to dash off every morning

without breakfast?

You've hardly been home for dinner either.

I've barely seen you. I know, sweetheart,

but I have to have the entire cosmetic campaign ready

for that big sales meeting tomorrow morning.

Oh.

Well, I have to be in town this afternoon.

Maybe we can meet for lunch.

No, I'm having lunch with an exec

from the cosmetic company.

Some guy named Toni Devlin.

Perhaps we could meet

for a midnight snack sometime, stranger.

I'll eat my lonely breakfast

in lonely silence and try to be brave.

Go now, and don't look back.

I have been neglecting you, haven't I?

I tell you what:

no matter how much work I have to do tonight,

I'll forget about it, and come on home

and have dinner with you. Oh!

Bye, sweetheart. Bye-bye.

May I join you, dear?

Oh, hi, Mother.

Your mortal roommate seems to be getting

the seven-year itch five years early.

What do you mean by that remark?

Oh, when a husband starts working nights,

that's a different story.

Mother, don't you let your suspicious little imagination

run away with him.

Seven-year itch, indeed.

But it doesn't have to be an out and out itch.

All it takes is a little rash.

Do you mind if we change the subject?

Now, look, I have to go shopping in town,

so why don't you come,

and then we'll have lunch together.

Oh, splendid.

Let's go to some place really chic

and dress to the nines.

Like it?

Perfect.

They're both witches.

Charlie Leach, private eye,

you've really got it made now.

[CHUCKLES]

Charmaine, honey, sweetheart.

Your loved one is home.

Oh, did I wake you, honey?

No, I'm all dressed up for the senior prom.

Baby, I've got some great news.

Mwah!

You can go right back to sleep

after I tell you all about it, huh?

No. Just having you home

makes me too excited to sleep.

I only see you 26 hours a day.

Baby, our problems are over.

Something sensational happened.

We were finally accepted on Relief?

Oh, I know things have been tough up to now, Charmaine,

but I'm onto something real big.

And you're gonna have diamonds, a fur, a car,

a yacht and a mansion.

What?

And leave all this?

Oh, I ain't kidding.

It's just that I gotta figure out one little angle.

Yeah.

How to get the money direct from the mint

and eliminate the middle man.

No, I'm serious, honey.

Do you remember a few weeks ago

I was doing a little snoopin'--

I mean, investigating. --for this baby food company?

Yeah.

And I also remember they fired you

for all that crazy talk about witches and black magic.

The only kind of job

you can hold from that kind of talk

is the social director at a funny farm.

Oh, I was only kidding about that.

I've been doing some investigating on my own,

and I've got some information

that's gonna be worth a fortune.

You and me are gonna be rolling in dough.

[LAUGHS]

Charlie, I don't need to be rolling in dough.

Right now I'd settle for you getting a job

that lasts past lunch.

Darrin.

Yeah, Larry?

Meet Toni Devlin of United Cosmetics.

Be right with you, Mr. Devlin.

Oh, excuse me, Miss Devlin.

Made the same mistake myself.

It's Toni with an I, not with a Y.

This is Darrin Stephens.

How do you do? How do you do?

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Well, won't you sit down, Miss Devlin. Thank you.

I was just going over the art layout

for the campaign.

I'll have the final ones ready tomorrow morning.

Mr. Stephens, I hope my being a woman

won't cause us a problem in working together.

Of course not. Why should it?

We'll get along just fine

as long as we keep it strictly business.

I'm not the least bit interested

in the flirtatious little games between the sexes.

I hope I make myself clear.

Oh, yeah. Crystal clear.

Let me say something, Miss Devlin.

Aren't you being a trifle presumptuous?

I'm merely going by the track record in this business.

Then let me be the record breaker.

I happen to be a very happily married man.

I have a lovely wife and daughter,

and, no offense intended, but I do find you resistible.

I deserved that.

Forgive me.

Friends? Friends.

Oh, may we go to lunch now?

Frankly, I'm starved.

Okay, but I'm warning you, lady.

About what?

After lunch, I'm bringing you back to this office

to show you my etchings! [LAUGHS]

Mother, I haven't been here in ages.

Not since Darrin and I were dating.

We used to call it "our place."

Oh, that's a man for you.

When they're chasing you,

there's always some dear, little romantic "our place."

And after they catch you, "our place"

is in the kitchen, with laundromat privileges.

Samantha!

What is it?

Look at that.

This was a favorite spot of Samantha's and mine

when we were dating.

We used to call it "our place."

Kind of corny, huh?

But sweet.

You really are in love with her, aren't you?

She is out of this world.

Well, so what, Mother.

Darrin said he was gonna have a business lunch,

with Toni Devlin.

He didn't say that Toni plucked his eyebrows, did he?

I'm sure it's nothing more than what he said:

a business lunch.

Samantha, he really has you brainwashed.

Why? Because I trust him?

Well, I don't mind you trusting him.

just don't put so much faith in that trust.

Now, for once, listen to me, and let's get out of here.

No, I am not sneaking out like an eavesdropping wife.

If you don't go,

I'm gonna do something terrible to him.

I mean it!

This time I'll really turn him into a frog...forever!

You wouldn't.

He already has a big mouth.

Mother, stop trying to stir up trouble.

Darrin said he'd be home for dinner, and he will.

He'll have some last-minute excuse.

DARRIN: Sam! I'm home!

The voice of treason.

DARRIN: Samantha!

In here, darling.

Mother, try and be pleasant to him.

Am I ever anything else? Oh, ho, ho, ho!

Oh, hi, Endora.

Oh, just passing through?

What?

Hi, sweetheart. I made your favorite roast.

Shame it'll go to waste.

Why should it go to waste?

You always eat enough for three.

Well, I'm going upstairs to get washed

and kiss our gorgeous daughter.

Then I'll be right down.

Boy, that looks good. And I'm hungry.

[CHUCKLES]

Any questions?

Oh, something will come up.

You'll see.

Like, he left the lights on at the office,

or he had to go back and wax the floors

because the janitor got sick.

[CAR APPROACHING]

And why didn't he mention anything

about that woman at lunch?

There was no need to.

The woman was a client, nothing more.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, excuse me.

Hello. You must be Mrs. Stephens. Yes.

I'm Toni Devlin,

a business associate of your husband.

SAMANTHA: Oh, come in, please.

I don't like this-- Ah, Mother--

This is my mother, Endora.

Toni Devlin.

How do you do? How do you do?

I'm sorry to bother you,

but I have to discuss some campaign changes

with Darrin before our meeting tomorrow.

Oh. Well, I don't blame you.

This campaign is pretty obvious.

If you'll just have a seat, I'll get Darrin.

Samantha, this is really the limit.

That-- That hussy!

Walking right into your home,

flaunting herself in your face.

Mother, she seems very nice.

And she hasn't made flaunt one.

If you won't do anything about it, I will.

Oh, ho, ho...

[MEOWS]

[MEOWS]

Mother, you change her back right now.

I will not.

And she stays this way until you come to your senses.

Goodbye!

Oh! Mother!

Mother!

[DOOR CLOSES]

Honey, where'd you get the cat?

Oh, she just, ah, wandered by.

Cute cat. Yeah.

Ah, why don't we have some hors d'oeuvres.

Why don't we.

It seems we're not having that thing for dinner

that always upsets my stomach.

What's that?

Your mother.

No offense,

but she did leave, didn't she?

Oh, yes, she left.

Is something wrong?

Hm?

You always have that special look on your face

when something's wrong.

Um, Darrin. Yeah?

Promise you won't get mad?

I promise.

DARRIN: What? Oh, no!

Darrin, you promised you wouldn't get mad.

I am not mad. I'm furious!

Look, I-- Honestly,

I never mistrusted you for a moment.

You shouldn't have.

You didn't have any reason to.

Well, don't just stand there.

Let's give Miss Devlin some milk.

Here, kitty-kitty. Here, Miss Devlin--

Oh, no!

She's gone!

What am I gonna do now?

I have to have her at that meeting tomorrow.

That cat is chairman of the board!

Darrin. Darrin, uh...

Here, drink some coffee.

It'll calm you down.

Over 12 hours and not a single word.

Some police force we got.

They can't even find a stray cat.

But if that cat double-parked-- Wham!

They'd find it. [PHONE RINGS]

I'll get it.

Hello.

Oh, hello, Larry.

Have you talked with Miss Devlin today?

Ah, Miss Devlin?

Ah, no. Why?

I tired to reach her, but they said

she didn't get back to the hotel.

I hope there's nothing wrong.

Oh, I'm sure there's nothing wrong, Larry.

She did say something to me

about visiting her aunt or something.

Oh. I guess we'll see her at the meeting then.

Oh, sure, Larry.

Don't worry. I'll see you soon.

Bye.

We've gotta find her in time for that meeting.

We've gotta find Mother...

so that she can change that cat back

into Miss Devlin.

Sam, what if Miss Devlin got ahold of some bad garbage

and is lying sick in an alley somewhere?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Mm. I'll get it.

Drink this.

[GASPS]

Good morning, Mrs. Stephens.

Oh, no. Not you again.

Charlie Leach, private eye, in person.

DARRIN: Who is it, honey?

Your friendly neighborhood blackmailer!

DARRIN: What do we have to do

to get rid of you?

Send you to the moon in a rocket?

I can do it without the rocket.

You don't frighten Charlie Leach with your witchcraft.

I know the magic word.

C-A-T.

I do believe that I have a wonderful proposition

that would be mutually beneficial.

Okay, make it fast.

In a word,

I have the little lady with four legs and a tail

and in a safe place.

Being the generous soul that I am,

I'm willing to share my good fortune with you.

She's all yours.

What's the catch?

Oh, there's no catch.

You hand me a million dollars cash,

and I hand you the cat.

A million dollars?

Are you out of your skull?

Where would I get a million dollars?

In her nose.

All she has to do is wiggle it, right?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, and I'm also willing to forget the fact

that you and your old lady are both witches.

Now, isn't that a generous gesture?

You're all heart.

So?

I'm afraid he's got us, honey.

Make with the nose.

Okay.

But my powers are limited, you know.

I can't produce that much money all at once.

Well, you better figure out something fast. Otherwise,

you'll never see that lady with the furry face no more.

Figure, Sam, figure.

I've got it. What?

A money tree.

Yeah, a money tree.

A money tree?

A money tree!

A money tree?

Wow, a hundred dollars.

Oh, I do believe I have died

and gone to the great savings and loan in the sky.

[LAUGHING]

Hey, wait a minute.

There are only ten bills.

A thousand dollars.

Our deal was for a million dollars.

Now, what about it?

What about it?

It blooms a new batch every 24 hours.

Yeah.

Now may we please have our cat?

Yeah.

In 24 hours,

if this thing works.

But I can't wait that long.

That cat has to be at a meeting at 11:00.

That's fair enough, Mr. Leach.

One thing, though.

Would you please feed her promptly at 9:30?

It's very important.

Nine-thirty.

And this thing better work.

Oh, don't worry. It will.

Bye. Bye.

[GIGGLING]

Are you sure you know what you're doing?

Oh, yes. Positive.

Well, then do one thing. What?

Let me know.

Charmaine, honey, sweetheart.

Your lover boy is home.

What is it with you

and anyone sleeping past the crack of dawn?

Aw, honey, this is worth waking up for.

At night he won't take me dancing.

In the morning he loves it.

I'll take you dancing every night.

As a matter of fact,

I'll buy you your own dance hall.

Now, just feast your eyes on that.

You roll me out of a sound sleep to look at a bush?

Listen to you.

A bush, you say?

You're begging for a fat lip, Charlie.

Honey, this is no ordinary bush.

This is a money tree.

Money tree? Yeah.

Charlie, it's too early for the bars to open.

You back to sniffing lighter fluid again?

Cookie-face, I mean it!

This is a money tree.

It grows hundred dollar bills.

Hundred dollar bills. Yeah.

And it grows a new batch every 24 hours.

I guess it sounds sort of crazy, huh?

Ha. It should.

The words came from a crazy place.

You'll see. You'll see.

Excuse me, I gotta go and feed the cat.

What cat?

A very special cat.

This cat goes to meetings.

What did I do to deserve this?

Here, kitty-kitty, kitty-kitty. Here, kitty-kitty...

Here, Miss... [MEOW]

Ah, I hope you liked mackerel when you were a lady.

Honey, if your witchcraft ever worked,

it'd better work now.

We witches are very reliable.

He should be feeding her right this minute.

[SQUEAKS]

[SQUEAKING]

[MEOWS]

[GIGGLING]

Don't you think that's enough?

He's just supposed to feed the cat breakfast,

not be it.

Herbs and spices Suet and fat

Change the rodent Back into that rat

Ooh, don't scratch me!

Thank goodness.

Oh, that horrible mackerel breath.

On your mark. Get set. Go.

One, two, three, four, five,

six, seven, eight, nine--

[PHONE RINGS] --ten!

Hello, Mr. Leach.

Yes. And my wife will do it again

if you don't bring that cat back.

Yes, I'll wait for you.

Goodbye.

He's bringing the cat right over.

Thank you.

Well, now, you take her to the office,

and I'll call you there.

Meanwhile, I'm gonna see if I can find Mother.

You be careful. Oh, don't worry.

Remember, I was flying before I could walk.

Oh, good morning, Larry.

Darrin, I don't like it.

We'd better call the police.

Miss Devlin's just disappeared from the face of the earth.

Oh, I'm sure she'll show up, Larry.

We have a few minutes before the meeting.

How can you be so calm?

And what are you doing with that stupid cat?

Larry, please don't talk that way in front of the cat.

What?

Well, it's a nice cat.

Have you flipped?

A client is missing and all you're worried about

is that dumb animal.

Larry, please. Not in front of the cat.

Oh! [INTERCOM BUZZES]

Yes.

WOMAN: Mr. Stephens, would you tell Mr. Tate

the gentlemen have arrived for the meeting?

Thank you.

I'll try and stall them.

Change, already. Change!

[♪♪♪]

Well? Any word?

I'm afraid not.

Then there's no choice but to start the meeting

and tell them what happened.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Yes.

Mr. Stephens, there's a long-distance call for you

from Tibet.

Tibet?

Will you excuse us-- Ah, me.

--for a minute, Larry?

Yeah.

Hello.

Hello, Darrin?

I found her, in Tibet.

She came to have tea with the Lord High Lama.

Oh, just in time too.

What?

Okay, put her on.

Nimbus nambus Krishna fren

Make the cat That woman again

That did it, honey. Come on home.

Where am I?

Oh, we better get to the meeting.

Meeting?

Oh, for some reason I feel so strange.

It's commonly called a hangover.

We had a pretty big night last night.

We did?

Yes, we did. Boy, never again.

Larry!

LARRY: Yes!

Miss Devlin! I didn't see you come in.

She used the back door.

Mm. Oh, by the way,

who was that on the phone from Tibet?

Wrong number.

Oh.

Wrong number?

Leaves, leaves!

Nothing but leaves!

I've been duped!

Oh, they promised me

that this would grow money this morning.

Aw, Charlie, you didn't really mean that jazz

about the hundred dollar bills?

I sure did.

And I'll prove it to you.

I picked a whole batch of them yesterday

and put them in my wallet.

Now here,

you go out and buy something

real nice for yourself.

Gee, I don't know how to thank you.

Oh.

Oh, I'll get them for this.

They ain't seen the last of Charlie Leach yet.

My luck. I haven't either.

[♪♪♪]