Original subtitles

My, you look fetching.

Oh. Hello, Mother.

Do you like it? It's new.

Divine.

It's a bit chic for the summers though, isn't it?

Darrin and I are going to a dinner dance

at the country club with the Tates tonight.

What brings you here?

No particular reason.

As you're going to a dinner, I thought I might help.

Help?

You have four mice and a pumpkin around?

I have already met my Prince Charming.

Oh, there he is now.

Mother--

Ugh!

Some Prince Charming.

I'm afraid you and I see him two different ways, Mother.

That's true.

I don't know why you can't see him as he really is.

Like this:

Mother!

But you persist in seeing him like this:

Wrong on both counts.

I see him as he really is.

Like this:

Ugh!

Good.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

I knew you'd leave him someday.

Leave who?

Your husband.

See how easy it was?

You've forgotten already.

Mother, I'm not leaving Darrin.

We're going to Florida together.

Oh, again?

Darrin has the week off.

His parents picked up Tabatha.

They're gonna look after her.

And this time tomorrow, we'll be sunning ourselves in glor--

Oh, yes.

If my memory serves me,

you've postponed that beautiful fantasy six times.

What makes you think this is the lucky seven?

He gave me his word.

Nothing short of a catastrophe

can delay us now.

Darrin...

you're just the man who can help us avoid a catastrophe.

Larry, I was just on my way out.

Darrin, this is Sanford Stern of Stern Chemicals,

just in from Pittsburgh.

Darrin Stephens. It's a pleasure.

I'd like to stay and chat, but I have a plane to catch.

Jim DeWitt was just taken to the hospital

with acute appendicitis.

I'll send him a box of candy in my name.

I'll write him a get-well card from Miami.

Darrin, it's painful for me to have to tell you this.

Well, then, for Pete's sake, don't do it, Larry.

I'm afraid you'll have to cancel your plans.

You had to do it.

I'm afraid I'm the villain, Mr. Stephens.

But my hands are tied.

I have a strict TV deadline for my commercials.

I know how hard you've been working.

If anybody ever deserved a vacation, it's you.

You've given service above and beyond--

All right. All right. All right, Larry.

I can't bear having a grown man cry.

I wasn't going to cry.

I meant me.

Thanks, old pal.

I'll leave you two together.

Do you want me to call Samantha?

No, I'll do it.

Just be nice to her at her murder trial.

What?

After she's killed me.

Oh, thank you, darling.

I appreciate how you're taking this.

You sounded a little strained over the phone.

Oh, I can't stay mad at you for long.

I've forgotten all about it.

Well, I have to get back to work.

That reminds me,

I have some unpacking to do.

See you later.

I do hate to say, "I told you so," Samantha.

Really? Since when?

Oh, cheer up, my sweet.

You haven't missed much.

It's not much fun going to Miami

with an old sobersides like Desmond.

You have the wrong idea about Darrin.

You can only see one side of him.

I know he has another.

He can be witty and charming and just full of fun.

Mm. Well...

It's a pity you can't take the fun side of him,

and leave the work side at home.

Oh, you're a big help.

Well, no sense in feeling sorry for myself.

Darrin can't go, and that is that.

Except for the unpacking.

Sam!

Samantha!

[WHISTLING]

Fore!

Darrin, is anything the matter?

No, honey. I'm three feet from the cup.

I hear those courses in Miami are great.

I can hardly wait to play.

Miami?

You didn't cancel the tickets, did you?

No. No. Not yet.

But I-- You said we weren't going.

All systems are now go, go, go, go!

Fore!

Darrin, what--

What about the Stern Chemical account?

Didn't you say you had two more weeks work to do on it?

Work? I never heard of it.

Why don't you let me take you out of all this?

What about Larry and Mr. Stern?

Oh, let them get their own girls.

But I thought you said

they had a deadline for those commercials.

You know, I've been thinking about that

for about the last 10 seconds.

And I've come up with the perfect solution.

You have? Yeah.

The heck with them.

Now, to more serious affairs.

Where's my suntan oil?

Darrin, don't you think you should--

I'll tell you what I think.

I think you have the most incredible green eyes

I have ever seen.

We were talking about the account.

Please answer the following questions with "yes," "no" or "sometimes."

Do we deserve a little fun out of life?

Yeah.

Have I been promising you this vacation for months?

Yeah.

Do you love me, and would you follow me wherever I go?

Mm-hmm.

Are we going to Miami?

We are.

Wait a minute.

Don't you want to hear your score?

I have to repack the stuff I unpacked.

I'll do that. You find the suntan oil.

One more thing. What?

You have the most incredible green eyes I've ever seen.

I know, I know. Ha, ha.

Well...

Now, if I were a bottle of suntan lotion, where would I be?

Is this what you're looking for?

Oh. Thank you, Mother.

Now, it's my turn to say, "I told you so."

I can hardly believe that Derrick

is anything but a sober stuffed shirt.

Mother, I am in love with a charming man

who loves fun and excitement.

Well, I just hope your husband doesn't find out.

DARRIN: Honey, have you seen my book on how to surf?

Uh, yes.

I think it's in the den.

See what I mean?

You're not going in there!

Why not?

Well, it isn't the proper place for a book on surfing.

That's where he keeps all his books.

Samantha!

I'll only be a minute, honey.

As soon as I find--

Darrin?

Darrin...

what are you doing in here?

Darrin.

Samantha, please!

I was trying to concentrate.

Oh.

What are you concentrating on?

The Stern Chemical account.

Jim DeWitt got sick, and Larry asked me if I wouldn't take--

Haven't I been through this before?

Yes, you certainly have.

Then why am I going through it again?

Darrin, you just went upstairs to pack.

I did? What gave you that idea?

I got the idea when you said, "I'm going up to pack."

Samantha, this is no time to play games.

The agency is relying on me

to come up with an effective campaign.

I only have three weeks--

Just a minute.

Have you been here ever since I was here?

Of course.

[GASPS]

Then you--

You're--

Mother!

What did you call me?

Do you feel any different?

Different than what?

Never mind.

You just go ahead and finish your work.

I'll take care of my mother.

The meddler!

Mother!

I want to talk to you.

Did you find the book you were looking for, darling?

No. But I found something else.

What's that?

My husband.

Oh, darling, you can't win them all.

At least one of my husbands.

The other one is upstairs.

Now, admit it, Mother.

You divided Darrin.

Oh, don't be so upset, Samantha.

I did it in your best interest.

Darrin will be furious!

[LAUGHING]

I admit that made it irresistible.

I only want one Darrin!

I know exactly what you mean.

It's humiliating to look

as if you've made the same mistake twice.

[DARRIN SINGING UPSTAIRS]

DARRIN: Samantha!

Samantha, who is that singing?

The radio upstairs.

It is very distracting when you're trying to concentrate.

I have a great deal of work to do, you know.

I'll turn it off.

Thank you.

Nice voice though.

Mother!

Oh, come on, Samantha.

I just wanted to see if you were right

about David's two personalities.

You were.

Good.

Now, how about putting him back together?

Oh, very well.

But really, what's the harm?

If he works as hard as you say he does,

at least half of him deserves a rest.

That's very peculiar logic.

Well, that's because it's so sensible.

Well?

Well...

DARRIN: Sam, I can't find my swimming trunks!

It isn't as if you won't be with your husband.

You'll simply have the fun side of him.

In your closet! Bottom shelf!

Listen to him.

He's actually enjoying himself.

[DARRIN SINGING]

He does sound happy.

Well, half a rest is better than none.

I suppose.

Will you take him?

Now, Mother, I haven't said that yet.

How am I going to explain this to the Darrin in the den?

Well, it's all very simple.

Tell him you're coming with me.

Well, now, Mother, he'd never agree to that.

Well, why don't you try it?

Darling, I think it's a wonderful idea.

Just because I'm chained here to my desk,

doesn't mean you have to stay and be my warden.

Besides, it'll give you a chance to rest

and me a chance to work.

You go with your mother and have a good time.

Mother, he told me to go and have a good time.

Do you think what we're doing is right?

Absolutely.

What can happen?

Hi, Endora!

My, you look ravishing tonight.

I like him better this way.

Come on, honey, we're wasting all that sunshine.

Let's live it up a little.

Boy, are you happy.

And why not?

You're looking at a man with only one responsibility.

What's that?

To have fun, fun, fun!

Ho!

Now, the main objective of the campaign

will be to acquaint the average person

with the significance of chemicals--

and particularly Stern Chemicals--

upon his everyday life.

Oh, that's excellent, Darrin. First-rate.

I'm sure you'll find it satisfactory

once you've heard the rest of my ideas.

I like it now.

Look, we've been at this for 16 hours now.

I suggest we celebrate our progress

by going out to dinner.

LARRY: Here, here.

Well, we do have a lot more work to do.

I think we should call it a day.

Look, I don't get to the big city very often.

What do you say we cut loose and have some fun?

That reminds me.

I've written a small booklet entitled:

Let's Have Fun With Chemicals.

Darrin, Mr. Stern is hungry.

Well, I suppose we could have something sent in.

Now, here I've outlined how we will acquaint

the general public with your actual products.

Darrin, you don't have to knock yourself out like this.

You've already got the contract. [LAUGHS]

I know that, Mr. Stern.

But we do have the responsibility

of coming up with an effective campaign.

Darrin, Mr. Stern was making a joke.

All right.

Just a figure of speech.

Oh, yes.

Uh, that leads me to another phase of the campaign.

I believe that you should take a look

at these market research figures.

He's, uh...certainly a hard worker, isn't he?

MR. STERN: Yeah.

But doesn't he ever get any fun out of life?

[SPLASHING]

Thank you.

Now, this is going to be fun.

Now, everybody, all together.

The last line.

Go!

♪ If you knew Susie like I know Susie ♪

♪ Oh, what a gal ♪

[APPLAUSE]

Isn't that terrible?

Oh, he's so witty and charming.

Isn't he funny?

Yeah, he's a laugh a minute.

Whoo-hee!

Whoo-hoo-hee!

Come on, Sam. Let's Watusi.

I-- I think I'll sit this one out, if you don't mind.

You're not gonna poop out on me, are you?

You're a little hard to keep up with, you know.

Yeah, I know. I'm having a ball.

Hi, Joe. Yeah.

A real fun guy, Joe. Yeah.

They're all fun people. Yeah.

Sure you don't wanna dance?

No, thanks.

I think I'll call home in a minute

and find out how your mother is making out with Tabatha.

Who?

Tabatha. Your daughter.

Oh, I'm sure she's fine.

Hi, Francie.

Hi, Darrin.

She's got a great personality.

I'm a little worried about her.

Francie? Tabatha!

Honey, I like Tabatha too,

but you can't let your children run your life.

Don't worry. Give you wrinkles.

Well, I-- I'm sure your mother and father

are taking very good care of her.

But after all, we do have a responsibility.

Oh honey, honey, honey. Only one responsibility.

Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun.

Hey, look, Joe is going off the board.

Great dive, Joe!

Excuse me a minute.

Darr--

[MOCKING] Fun, fun, fun.

[SIGHS]

Hey, watch this everybody!

Darrin.

Darrin, you can't swim!

Front flip right into the pool and back again.

[APPLAUSE, CHEERING]]

Thank you my friends. It was really nothing.

Now, I have an announcement to make.

It's party time!

Everyone, to our room for a party!

Party!

I feel guilty.

I should be back at the office working.

Darrin, will you relax.

You've been like a one-man factory all day.

That is another angle to consider.

We should make a film about the factory.

Show the folks at home some of the research

you're doing, in a fun sort of way, of course.

Isn't there some kind of a button you can push

that'll turn him off?

Drink up, Darrin.

And forget about chemistry, hmm?

Oh, Larry, you can't really forget about chemistry.

It's in the very air we breathe.

This salt and pepper shaker, ashtray, table.

Fascinating.

Yes, it is.

That's why I believe this campaign will work.

First of all, we show the public the phenomenon,

and then we interest them in your product.

Uh-huh.

You know, uh, after dinner, I'd like to go

to a couple of nightclubs.

LARRY: Great.

They have a marvelous new chorus line at the Purple Popsicle.

Oh, they also have a new comic. Funny, very different.

Sort of, uh, low pressure.

That's exactly my point.

What?

A low-pressure campaign.

Now, while we're waiting for our food,

why don't I show you some more ideas I have?

Darrin, you're kidding.

I doubt it.

He's not the kind of a man that kids very much.

LARRY: I don't get it.

Usually, he has a great sense of humor.

Oh, sure. A barrel of laughs.

No, really.

You've only seen one side of him.

Well, I hope he finds the other side soon.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]

It's a great party, huh?

Uh, yeah.

Hey, honey. We're all out of champagne.

Well, we'll order another magnum.

Better still, a "magni"!

That's two magnums.

You just leave it to old Dar.

Uh, Darrin. Darrin.

At the risk of sounding like a nagging wife,

can we afford all this?

Well, we'll just dip into our savings.

But we can't do that.

Hey, you're right. I got a better idea.

Why don't you just twitch your nose

and whap up some champagne?

You want me to use witchcraft?

Why not?

I mean, it'll be crazy.

The gang will love it.

They'll be crazy about it.

They'll get a big kick out of it.

But, Darrin, you can't tell them I'm a witch.

Why not? They'll love it, love it, love it.

Darrin!

I'll just try to quiet them down while you do it.

Darrin!

Hey!

Hey, gang! Hey, folks!

Ahh-haaa.

Where did everyone go?

Back to their rooms.

But, honey, we were having such fun.

Darrin...we have something to tell you.

We?

Yes. Mother!

Oh...my. Looks like quite a party.

Hi, Endora. Great to see you, baby!

Oh, thank you.

Mother, I want the man I married back.

Why, no. But he's charming this way.

Yes. Charming, witty and totally irresponsible.

But this is his best side.

Don't you like him this way?

I like ice cream, but I don't want to eat it

all the time.

Uh, girls... you just lost me.

Yes, we certainly did.

Darrin, will you please sit down, please?

Now, I know this may be-- [CLAPS]

I realize this may be rather hard for you to understand...

but only part of you is here.

The fun side.

Without a care in the world.

I love her sense of humor.

The other half is at home.

Okay, I'll bite. What's he doing?

Well, I hate to think.

But I'd better find out.

[SNAPS]

Thought she'd never leave.

So much for the TV campaign.

Now, let me tell you what I had in mind for the radio spots.

This boy reminds me of Horatio Alger.

A boring Horatio Alger.

Darrin.

Sam.

Oh, this is Sanford Stern.

Samantha, what are you doing here?

You're supposed to be in Miami.

Yes. Gentlemen, do you mind if I borrow my husband for a moment?

BOTH: Oh, please do.

We have to be going, anyway. Right, Sanford?

Yes. We've monopolized your time too long.

But-- But--

Sam, we were right in the middle of a business discussion.

Aren't you glad to see me?

Of course I am.

But not when I'm talking business.

I have to get them back.

Hey! [SNAPS]

Wait a minute!

Where am I?

You're in Miami.

Who is he?

That's not "he," that's you.

What are you doing here with my wife?

Oh, I knew we shouldn't have invited him.

We were having a cool time until he showed up.

I thought you were going with your mother.

She came with me.

Look, you've got some explaining to do, buster!

Who do you think you are?

Boys, boys.

Will you please tell me who this is?

Oh, really, you are dense.

It's very simple.

This is your other half.

Other half?

Pleased to meet you.

Sam, will you please get to the point?

I've got about a ton of work to do.

Darrin. Darrin, this is the point.

You see, we thought you needed a rest,

so, we thought we'd take your fun side on vacation.

Fun side?

Hi, work side.

Will you stop grinning at me like an idiot.

I don't think there's anything funny about this at all.

Absolutely no sense of humor.

Mother, will you hurry up and put them back together?

Well, It would help if they liked each other a little.

Never happen.

Mother.

Well, separating was easier, you know.

But, uh...putting them back together may be more difficult.

Will you please stop talking about me

as if I were some do-it-yourself kit?

Hey, what a grouch.

There is a way to get them back.

But I'm not sure they'd like it.

What's that?

Well, they both stand at opposite ends of the room

and then run into each other.

Hey, sounds like fun.

Are you out of your mind?

Now, there's no need to be rude to Darrin, Darrin.

After all, he's my husband too.

I'm not even sure that's legal.

Sam, I've had enough of this nonsense.

Just get me-- Uh, Darrin.

You want to get back to work, right?

I certainly do.

And you want to go back to the party, right?

Crazy.

Okay.

First one out the door gets his wish.

[BANG]

Is he back together again?

Yes, dear.

Oh. Darrin. Darrin, speak to me.

Oh, I'm mad about that outfit.

Sam?

Oh, it's nice to see you, sweetheart.

Oh, Mother, he's back to normal.

That, my gal, is a matter of opinion.

Well, it was an interesting experiment.

At least you had a vacation out of it.

[SCOFFS] Some vacation.

At least I learned an important lesson.

I can't stand Darrin's work side.

Oh?

I can't stand his fun side either.

Stars and comets.

You've finally seen the light.

It's the whole Darrin I love.

Oh, I never heard such blatant, sticky sentimentality

in my whole life.

I never want him to be anyone else.

Oh, I think I'll leave before I get sick.

Oh, hi, honey.

Oh, hi.

My, it's nice to have you back.

All of you.

Well, you've got all of me for three whole weeks.

Ah.

Larry was so pleased with the work I did

on the Stern account, he gave me a vacation.

Well, Larry is right.

You deserve a vacation.

The word he used was "needed".

Oh.

Anyway, I know where I want to spend it.

Where? Right here.

Just the four of us.

The four of us?

You, Tabatha, my fun side and my work side.

Oh, that's the best vacation I ever heard of.

[♪♪♪]