Original subtitles

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

Mrs. Stephens? Yes?

I'm Harriet Kravitz, Abner's sister.

Oh! It's nice to meet you, Miss Kravitz.

I just thought I'd pop in to say hello

and return this saucepan that Gladys borrowed.

Please come in.

Do excuse the mess.

Oh, that's okay. You go right ahead.

Abner's taken Gladys to spend a couple of weeks with her mother.

How nice.

Well, not for Abner. He can't stand her mother.

That's why he's driving back tomorrow.

I'm gonna be keeping house for him while Gladys is gone.

Oh, well, if there's anything I can do to help,

you just call me.

Oh, I will.

Gladys has told me a lot about you,

Mrs. Stephens.

Oh, really?

Oh, nothing bad, you understand.

Just what a good neighbor you are. Nothing else at all.

Glad to hear it.

Anyway, I'm a person

who likes to judge people for themselves.

Do you always paint in the living room?

Well, Tabatha's asleep upstairs.

I just wanted to be near her if she cried.

Oh, you'll never get two coats of paint out of that little can.

No?

Not unless you're some kind of a magici--

What I mean is--

I was gonna say,

you won't even get one coat of paint.

That's what I was gonna say.

Well, that's too bad.

I'll just have to work it out somehow.

Thanks for bringing the saucepan, Miss Kravitz.

You can put it down over there.

Cute.

Isn't that silly?

I walked out with the saucepan.

The chair shrunk.

It wasn't Sanforized.

Um... Oh, uh...

Miss Kravitz, surely you don't think

that that's the chair you saw a minute ago.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

I like them. I like them very much.

Thank you, Mr. Robbins.

As a matter of fact, I like your entire campaign.

I think the Robbins Baby Food Company and McMann & Tate

can do business, Darrin.

Right, George?

The campaign could be quite effective.

Good. We'll start to work on it right away.

No, I'd like to defer our final decision for 10 days.

Ten days?

You need that much time?

Mmm.

ROBBINS: Well, I guess that's about it, gentlemen.

I may be president of the company,

but Mr. Barkley's in charge of advertising.

And I believe

in giving my executives a completely free hand.

Very commendable attitude, I'm sure.

George has only been with us two months.

But he's a young man, new ideas.

He's really been shaking up us old fuddy-duddies.

[LAUGHS]

I'll contact you in 10 days.

Uh, thank you.

Uh, George is a cautious man

and probably just wants time to think.

I'm sure we can do business, Darrin.

I hope so.

All right. What did you find out about Darrin Stephens?

Well, I've been shadowing him for a week.

I also dug into his past.

Mr. Barkley... he's as clean as a whistle.

You didn't uncover any vices?

Can't win them all.

It seems too good to be true.

Mr. Barkley, nobody's got a nose for dirt like Charlie Leach.

And let me tell you...

this guy makes Mickey Mouse seem like Jack the Ripper.

Can I have my money now?

You'll get paid when the job is finished.

Finished?

You want me to investigate this Stephens some more?

No. His wife.

Why?

Leach, this company sells baby food.

It is imperative that the character of our representatives

be wholesome, unblemished and, above all, normal.

This applies to their wives too.

I'll start with the neighbors.

They usually clam up.

But sometimes you come up with a live one.

Do you want me to start at the beginning or just hop around?

Any way you like, lady.

Well...I've only seen one unusual thing,

but Gladys, my sister-in-law, has told me

of many, many odd occurrences.

At first I thought she might be exaggerating,

but now I'm sure she was telling the truth.

Oh...go ahead.

You see, the credit company I work for

is interested in anything you've got to say.

Well...there was the time she made the baby fly.

The baby wanted to go by train?

No, she didn't put the baby on a plane.

She just made it fly upstairs.

And then she had these green square spots.

And Gladys saw an ostrich in the living room.

And--

Am I going too fast for you?

She saw an ostrich

in Mrs. Stephens' living room?

And an elephant. A baby elephant.

I think that came later.

She turned this old man

into an elephant.

Of course, evidently, there was something funny about him too.

He was a wizard who made flowers dance.

Your sister-in-law told you all this?

Yes.

But I believe everything she said.

She also gave her husband this long nose

and this funny hair...

Where are you going?

I've got more than enough to go on.

But there's much more.

Don't you want to hear

about when the bottom half of her disappeared?

Uh, some other time.

Now, you just go to sleep,

and Mommy's gonna plant some pretty flowers in the garden.

Yeah.

Pansies and roses,

and all sorts of things will be growing here.

Ah.

[TABATHA CRIES]

Oh, dear.

That's better.

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi there.

You must be the little lady of the house.

No, she's asleep in her carriage.

I'm Mrs. Stephens.

[LAUGHS]

Always did like a dame--

I mean, a lady--

with a good sense of humor.

You can wipe that worried look off your pretty little face.

I ain't selling nothing.

I'm doing a little consumer research

on bottle tops.

Well, I'd like to help you,

but I really am rather busy right now.

Oh, this will just take a jiff.

Before I get your opinion on tops,

I'd like some information about your--

Did I miss a spot?

Were you working on this when I rang your doorbell?

No. I was out back, gardening.

Gardening?

Mmm. I like to make things grow.

Now, I really would love to help you,

so could we get on with this?

Oh. Oh, sure. Sure, lady.

Ah.

Hmm.

Hey, this is quite a place you've got here.

Thanks.

All paid for?

Does that affect my qualification

to judge bottle tops?

You don't have to hide anything from me, Mrs. Stephens.

Everything you tell me is strictly on the QT.

Thanks.

Is that your kid?

No. We rent her by the month.

[SNAPS]

Funny!

Oh, uh, I have this questionnaire here

that I have to fill out.

Hmm.

Do you drink?

Well, yes, from time to--

Does it really ask that?

Uh, you don't have to answer if you don't want to.

I can see you take a belt--

I mean, a drink-- sometimes.

The red nose is a dead giveaway, huh?

Oh, I noticed the booze over there.

You do, don't you?

Only with my meals.

"Drinks...with...meals."

Mm-hm.

Mostly at breakfast.

You drink at breakfast?

Doesn't everyone?

I mean, it was a bit of a problem at first.

Problem?

Yes. I didn't know

whether you should drink red wine or white wine with oatmeal.

So I finally compromised and settled on Scotch.

Breakfast is my favorite meal.

I see.

Any more questions?

I wondered if you had any other hobbies

apart from making things grow,

like, Bridge, knitting, golf,

magic...

Magic?

How'd that get in there?

A lot of people go in for magic tricks in their spare time.

Have you been talking to Harriet Kravitz?

Never heard of her.

[TABATHA WAILING OUTSIDE]

Excuse me.

All righty, Tabatha. Don't you cry anymore.

We'll just take a little walk

over here.

And then everything will be all right.

Yes, it will.

Good.

And then there was the time

she made three dresses in 10 seconds.

That was after her husband became a chimpanzee.

Or was that before? Gladys told me so many things.

Aren't you gonna write all this down?

I ran out of paper an hour ago.

Oh, I can get some more.

Ah, I got writer's cramp.

Oh, do you mind if I have another cup of coffee?

Oh. Right away.

Is it okay if I use your phone?

You go right ahead.

I'd like to call my wife.

She worries about me.

[DIALS ROTARY PHONE]

Hello, Charmaine. Charlie here.

I didn't think it was Rock Hudson.

Now, look, honey, I'm about to wrap up the wildest case

in my whole career.

Whoopee! Boston Blackie has done it again.

I just called to tell you I'd be late tonight.

And what do you expect me to do?

Sit in this dump and watch the wallpaper peel?

What kind of a life do you think this is for me, Charlie?

I'll tell you what kind of a life it is.

It's a drag.

Now, you'd better get home,

or it's goodbye, Charlie.

But you don't understand.

If I come back to Mr. Barkley with something hot,

he's liable to put me on a permanent retainer.

Then I can get you all them furs and jewels you've always wanted.

Don't give me that jazz.

I'm still trying to get the green off my finger

from your wedding ring.

Look, Charmaine, don't give me a hard time.

I've had a rough day.

I've been thrown by a rocking chair

and attacked by a soda bottle.

Charlie...do yourself a favor.

Get off the sauce.

I can't wait until Abner comes home tomorrow,

so you can tell him everything you've seen.

Abner never believed Gladys, you know.

You do believe her, don't you?

Now, look, lady, let me put it this way.

I've got an open mind.

I don't know what's going on over there,

but my nose smells something weird about her.

[GASPS]

My only casserole.

Well...

[SPUTTERS IN DISBELIEF]

Arggh!

Sam, are you sure it was the same man both times?

Positive.

I don't get it. Why would anyone be interested in you?

I'm sure you don't mean that the way it sounded.

You know what I mean.

Yes.

Maybe he was just nosy.

Yeah, but why would anybody be snooping around?

Did anything strange happen when he was in the house?

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

Maybe I better call the police

and have them keep an eye on the house,

just in case he comes back.

Oh, I don't think that will be necessary.

I'm sure we've seen the last of him.

Oh, what makes you so sure?

Well...

Suppose you tell me exactly what happened.

Suppose I just give you the highlights.

Why don't you do that?

The big thing was the baby carriage.

The baby carriage?

I made it jump up and down.

Well, that doesn't sound so bad.

He was under it at the time.

Sam, how many times have I told you--

Darrin,

I don't like

anyone sneaking around Tabatha's carriage.

You are right.

And if you see him

sneaking around Tabatha or her carriage again,

you have my permission

to use any sort of witchcraft you like.

Does that make you feel better? Much.

Good.

Now, why don't you finish dinner?

I've got about half an hour's work.

Okay.

Oh, great.

What?

I just remembered, I left the car with the top down.

You go ahead and work. I'll do it.

Don't you think that nose of yours

has been a little overworked today?

I wasn't going to use my nose.

What, then? My feet.

Feet?! Mm-hm.

It's an old-fashioned trick called walking.

Easy when you get the hang of it.

That's my girl.

Thank you.

Welcome.

Okay, baby carriage.

Move.

Pretty please. Move.

Aw, come on.

Pretty please.

Pretty please!

Ugh! I did it! I did it!

Hi there.

All right.

Just what are you after?

Uh, uh... Oh, my cat escaped,

and I thought I saw it come in here.

What's your cat's name?

Uh, my cat's name... Oh! Pussy. Pussy. That's it.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] Here, Pussy, Pussy, Pussy.

Here, Pussy, Pussy, Pussy, Pussy.

Where are you, Pussy?

Look.

I don't know who you are

or what you want.

But I think I ought to warn you...

if you ever come near this house again,

some terrible things are gonna happen to you.

Now, look, lady. You better listen to me.

I know who you are. I just ain't sure what you are.

But one thing you better know:

Charlie Leach is used to all sorts of danger, see?

And nothing you can do can scare me.

You want to bet?

Forget it, lady.

I don't scare easy.

And right now,

I'm gonna go out there and call a taxi, and go home.

My pussycat may be there by now.

Taxi!

Tax...

iii...

Arggh!

[YELLING]

[GASPS]

[YELLING]

[CAR HORNS BEEPING]

Get a grip on yourself, kid.

Try and think what James B-B-B-B-Bond would do

in a situation like this.

He'd keep calm. That's what.

So...

keep...calm.

Help!

Help!

Help!

Why are you wearing that ridiculous muffler?

Oh. You'd be wearing a muffler too, Mr. Barkley,

if you had spent all night on a ledge

outside of an office 40 stories high.

What were you doing there?

If you let me finish,

you'll see the pieces fall together.

At 11:47,

I looked into the window of the Stephens' residence...

and I observed a tiny rocking chair, 4 inches tall.

Ten seconds later,

I was admitted into the Stephen'' residence

and now saw the chair full size.

Upon subtle questioning

about the change in the size of the chair,

Mrs. Stephens admitted

that she, quote, "liked to make things grow," unquote.

Well...my trained investigator's mind

put two and two together,

and I came up with the answer.

Five?

Sir...

I deduced that there was something very queer

about Mrs. Stephens...

until 11:53,

when I was left alone with said chair,

upon which I proceeded to investigate further.

Now, when I lowered my person onto the chair,

it acted in a very aggressive manner

and deliberately threw me to the floor.

At the same time,

I was viciously attacked by a soda bottle.

Now, since I had changed my opinion of Miss Kravitz,

I repaired to her house

to further observe the Stephens' residence.

Now, being a man of thoroughness,

and being trained to disregard physical danger to my person,

I reentered the Stephens residence

at exactly 1:15 p.m...

at which time

I observed Mrs. Stephens break a dish into numerous pieces

And then,

with some strange gesture...

put the pieces into a whole dish again.

And exactly one minute later

I was attacked by her baby carriage,

which pounced up and down on my abdomen,

causing me great physical anguish.

Well, sir... it was at this point

that my suspicions were confirmed.

So are mine, Leach. So are mine.

Miss Perkins,

if Mr. Leach is not out of my office in 10 seconds,

have the guards evict him.

Go on. Admit it.

You blew another job, didn't you?

Got all tanked up and blew it.

Charmaine...I ain't had a belt in three days.

He just wouldn't listen.

What did I do to deserve this?

I thought I was marrying Peter Gunn.

Instead I end up with Peter Rabbit.

I ain't no rabbit.

To think, I gave up a promising career in show business

for this.

Oh, Charmaine, knock it off.

You was an usherette at the Bijou.

I was second runner-up to Miss Grapefruit of 1956.

1951!

Please.

I don't want to dwell on your past glories.

So you want to talk about my future?

You expect me to spend the rest of my life

sitting in this dump?

Look, I know this ain't the Ritz,

but it certainly ain't no dump.

Oh. Looks like the first act of La Bohème.

La what?

La Bohème.

It's an opera, stupid. I saw it on TV.

That's all I gotta do. Watch TV.

Boy, some life I got.

[HISSES]

Now, look, honey.

I know we ain't exactly living the life of Riley.

But things are gonna change soon.

I promise you.

You just stick with me,

and you're gonna be dripping in mink and jewels.

Sure I will.

You're going to get your witch friend

to make them out of pumpkins, right?

Charmaine...I swear I saw her do everything I told you she did.

Then you've got no problem,

have you?

Just get her to witch up all those things you promised me.

The goose that laid the golden egg!

What?

I've got to go out.

Where?

To see our goose.

What?

Charmaine, we got us a goose!

I wish someone would tell me what I done to deserve this.

[COOING]

All righty, Tabatha,

we'll go for a little ride.

There we are.

And then you can stay here-- [DOORBELL CHIMES]

Don't go away.

I don't believe it.

Lady, you better believe it.

You'd better start being nice to me

or you'll be in a lot of trouble.

May I come in?

Just who are you anyway?

Uh, let me in for one minute, and I'll tell you all about it.

I figure as soon as you know who I am,

you'll see things my way.

Okay. You have one minute.

Thank you.

Hi, kid.

Ah, koochie-koochie- koochie-koo.

You stay away from her.

Take it easy, lady.

There's no reason why you and me can't become real good friends.

I can think of several.

Now, you got it all wrong, lady.

You know, we could become real good friends

because we could help each other.

You know, you do something for me,

and I do something for you...right?

What could you possibly do for me?

Let's start with what you're gonna do for me.

Lady...you're gonna make me a member

of the idle rich.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Also...you have used up 30 seconds.

Okay, I'll get to the point.

I have proof

that you're a full-blooded,

cauldron-stirring witch.

And if you don't give me what I want,

I'm gonna blow the whistle on you.

[♪♪♪]