Original subtitles

Sam!

Oh, out here, honey.

Hi, sweetheart.

Hi.

[TABATHA BABBLING] Hello, young lady.

How are you?

How are you?

You promised to clean out the garage.

Oh, honey, I'm afraid it'll have to wait.

I've gotta go to a lecture.

Lecture?

Mmm-hmm. He's our client.

He has a new book coming out,

and we'll be handling the promotion

and his lecture tour.

Um, were you planning to go alone?

Oh, no. Larry and Louise will be stopping by to pick me up.

Uh, we'll be going to the afternoon lecture.

What's he lecturing about?

Nothing you'd be interested in.

Try me.

Okay.

The title is:

"Witchcraft of the World, Fact and Fallacies."

The lecturer wouldn't be by any chance

Osgood Rightmire, would it?

You've heard of him.

He's a smug phony who's been making a living for years

telling all sorts of lies about witches.

Well, then there's no sense in your going

and ruining your afternoon.

Oh, I'm going all right.

I wouldn't miss this for the world.

No, you're not going.

There's no sense in your going and spoiling your whole day.

Oh, Darrin, don't be silly.

He's too ridiculous to be taken seriously.

I just thought it might be amusing to hear him.

Couldn't I go if I promised to be good?

Well, Larry will be picking me up in half an hour.

You haven't got time to arrange for a baby-sitter.

I have an idea.

If it's what I think-- Mother?

Now, wait a minute.

Mother, could I see you for a moment?

Well, Samantha, I hope it's something important.

Mother, we have to go out for a couple of hours.

Now, would you mind sitting with Tabatha until we get back?

Well, all right.

I've got to get back to Tokyo for a few minutes.

A nice young Japanese poet is going to read me

some of his love ballads.

I'll be right back.

She certainly gets around.

Oh, Darrin.

You know, she's really awfully good about baby-sitting.

For Mother that is.

Well, I'll go and change.

I'm really looking forward to this.

Remember, you promised to be good.

Aren't I always?

If I say "yes," I'll be lying.

If I say "no," I'm in trouble.

No comment.

[♪♪♪]

Come on, honey. We'll be late.

Coming.

I think Sam will enjoy this.

Osgood Rightmire is a fascinating man.

Is that so?

Larry says he's considered the top authority in his field.

By whom?

Oh, you know. Whoever it is who decides who top authorities are.

He really is highly respected, Sam.

He's been all over the world,

to all kinds of exotic places.

He's lived with witch doctors and voodoo men.

It's been a life-long study with him.

Oh, well, everyone should have a hobby.

Maybe you'll get a chance to talk to him later.

Oh?

Darrin, I took the liberty of asking him to join us here

after the evening lecture.

Well, Larry, I don't know.

Maybe he'll be tired.

Oh, goodie!

Just think, Darrin,

an authority on witchcraft here in our own little home.

Well, we better get going. Come on, dear.

Genies, voodoo spirits, leprechauns, trolls and witches

are the companions of dull, primitive and ignorant people.

Well, that covers me.

He's insufferable!

Mind you, it's true that my extensive research

has uncovered certain inexplicable events

that have been attributed to so-called witches.

However, after intensive investigation,

I have found that these manifestations

are all manufactured or self-induced.

Believe me, there are no witches.

Wonderful, isn't he?

Incredible.

And why do people like to call themselves witches?

Well, I've met a great many people with so-called

supernatural powers in my time.

And I'll tell you what I found out.

Scratch a witch, and you'll find a neurotic bore

who has no other claim to be interesting.

Relax, honey, just relax. Relax, honey.

Now, in case there are any of you in the audience

who think you are a witch, let me say this.

Here I am, Osgood Rightmire, a 20th-century witch hunter,

and your mortal enemy.

Cast your spells.

Strike me down!

I offer myself as your target.

Samantha!

I'm sorry, darling. It just slipped out.

It won't happen again.

Thank you very much.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, uh, you may think that I staged that,

but I didn't. It, uh-- It was an accident.

However, that-- That's the way superstitions start.

If I were a superstitious man, I would say that a witch did it.

[CHUCKLES]

But I would have a remedy.

I would simply say:

On grong gray

Katza lama zay!

Any witches which are here

From this moment disappear

[STAMPS FLOOR]

[LAUGHTER]

[STAMPS FLOOR]

And, uh, with that they would disappear.

Sam?

Yes, dear?

Where are you?

Well.

It can't be much of a spell. Louise is still here.

That'll do.

Thanks for the lift, Larry. We'll see you after dinner.

Thought I'd bring Bob Andrews over, too,

if it's all right with you. Fine.

If he gives us that article in his magazine about Rightmire,

it'll be a big help to the national tour.

Wonderful. Bye-bye.

See you later. So long.

You sure you're all right?

Oh, don't worry, Darrin.

It was just that one time.

I'm sure it couldn't happen again.

It was pretty scary.

How would he know an incantation like that?

He must've picked it up in his travels somewhere.

Amateurs shouldn't fool around with things like that.

Honey, I hate to mention it,

but somebody else did start the whole thing.

I know. I'm sorry.

But when he's here tonight, no, uh--

Don't worry, Darrin.

I'll be a good little witch.

Sam. Sam? Sam!

Sam, are you still here?

I am in spirit, darling.

Right over here.

Would you mind proving it?

Oh, honey.

This is a lot more serious than we thought.

What are you going to do about it?

Mother?

Mother!

You'll wake the baby!

Oh, what a sweet child. It's a pleasure to be with her.

She slept the whole time.

SAM: Mother.

What's this?

Samantha.

Samantha?

Mama, I've got a problem.

Mother, have you found anything yet?

No, there's nothing in here.

Oh, I'll find it all right.

How do you feel, sweetheart?

Well--

Just hang on, darling.

Your lips feel funny.

That's because you kissed me on the eye.

Do something.

Oh, it's your fault.

How could you expose your wife

to a dangerous fanatic like Rightmire?

Wait a minute! I didn't want

her to go in the first place. She insisted.

Oh. I was under the impression

that you were the head of the house.

This is no time to bicker.

Do you know how to stop it?

Can you remember what Rightmire said?

No. It didn't even sound like an authentic incantation.

That's bad, huh?

Oh, I've seen some cases that would make your hair turn blue.

Well, I'll just have to borrow some more books from Aunt Clara.

Oh, my stars!

It must be some exotic incantation.

And since it was executed by an amateur,

well, it can't be that powerful.

I'll just have to do some more research.

Hey, I made a comeback.

DARRIN: Thank goodness.

I don't know how long it's gonna last.

In the meantime, put a cold compress on your head,

take two aspirin,

and, above all, keep yourself warm.

Any symptoms?

Not yet.

Darrin, could I have a drink of water?

Sure thing, honey.

Darrin.

Sam!

Endora!

When did it happen?

Just now.

I wish you could remember a little more

of what that simpleton said.

What did it sound like?

I wasn't listening.

It was one of those ibbety-bibbety-sibbety-sab

things. "Out goes Y-O-U," and out she went.

Oh, you're a great help.

Try to remember so I'll know where to look.

Mother, it was one of those things I never heard before.

Ooh.

I'll go down and ask Rightmire. It's as simple as that.

You should've thought of that sooner.

I'll catch him in his dressing room before the evening lecture.

Well, don't trust your human memory.

Write it down.

You missed.

Well, here I am again.

Oh, darling, sit down.

Everything is going to be all right, dear.

Mother is here.

I, uh-- I was particularly impressed with the way

you handled that situation when, uh-- Well, you know.

Thank you, but I'd rather not be reminded of that.

I warned the management. They better fix that platform,

or they'll have a lawsuit on their hands.

The way you leaped right up

and turned it into a point in your lecture.

"Any witches which are here--" Something or other. "--disappear."

What did you say first?

Mr. Stephens, my contract in this town is for two lectures.

I do not intend to give a third one in my dressing room.

I thought I might use it for a publicity release.

But you have my colorful personality

to work with, Stephens. What else do you want?

Besides, the spell will be in my book,

which is coming out next month.

And I do not believe in giving away anything for nothing.

But, Mr. Rightmire, I believe that people--

Thank you for dropping by, Stephens.

Well, you will be at our house tonight after the lecture,

won't you?

Possibly.

Who else will be there?

Mr. Andrews, the editor of Pictorial Week.

All right, Stephens.

Rightmire should be through with his lecture about now.

We're anxious for you to meet him, Mr. Andrews.

I wonder if he does that business of tripping

and knocking everything down at each performance.

Of course he does.

It was so obviously staged.

Didn't you think so, Sam?

Hmm? Uh, yes, yes, of course.

He kidded about the accident being caused by a witch,

and then he recited a spell to send the witch into limbo.

I wonder if he'd tell me his secret.

I have a few relatives I'd like to make disappear.

ENDORA: The entire lecture sounds like nonsense.

Oh, I found it quite interesting.

Didn't you, Saman--?

Where did Samantha go?

But she was here just a second ago.

I wonder where she disappeared to.

What happened?

I, uh, ran into some thick air.

I'll take a look in the kitchen.

That's probably where she is.

The-- The kitchen?

Honey. Honey, are you in here?

Yes, dear.

Well, where are you?

I'm right here.

Honey, try to hold on until Rightmire gets here,

then everything will be all right.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello.

Yes, Mr. Rightmire.

Oh, now, Mr. Rightmire--

But, Mr. Rightmire, we're all expecting you.

I'm terribly sorry to disappoint you, Stephens,

but, uh, I'm rather tired,

and, uh, I have some important research to do tonight.

Well, please extend my apologies to, uh, whoever it may concern.

All right? Bye-bye.

Now, my dear, I'm all yours.

Oh, Mr. Rightmire.

Osgood.

I's good too.

No, no, my dear, Osgood is my first name.

Um...what's yours?

Beverly.

And I'm thrilled, just thrilled to meet you.

Well, it was, uh, most sweet of you

to come backstage and say such nice things

about my modest little effort.

Oh, it wasn't modest at all.

It was what you were talking about that just drives me crazy.

It's so, so--

Fascinating?

No, spooky.

[CHUCKLES]

Mother, we have to get him here

to find out what the spell was.

Don't worry, dear.

Osgood Rightmire will be here.

How can you be so sure?

Why, his research will bring him here.

Right to Morning Glory Circle.

But--

Shhhh! Let me concentrate.

I thought we might go to some, uh, nice, intimate little club

and, uh, get to know each other better.

Oh, that sounds just marvie.

And I know just the place.

Good.

Where is it?

On Morning Glory Circle.

Well, uh, lead the way.

Maybe we should've picked Mr. Rightmire up.

He might've gotten lost.

Not a chance, I assure you.

How can you be so sure?

Mother means that any man who has hacked his way through

mysterious jungles, shouldn't have a problem.

He'll be here any minute now.

Is something wrong with the engine?

What does it sound like?

Well, I'm not mechanical.

That, my dear, is a matter of opinion.

Where's this club you were telling me about?

I don't know.

Well, why did you say it was here?

I don't know.

Well, I'll just go in the house and call the auto club.

It's cold out here. Can I come with you?

Oh, very well.

Oh, pardon me. My car--

Mr. Rightmire. How nice of you to come.

Stephens!

Um, I decided my research could wait.

Well, good, good.

And, uh, I, uh-- I brought along my, uh--

My niece, who lives here in the town.

Ah, um, Beverly...

Niece? Beverly Niece.

No, Beverly Wilson.

Beverly Wilson.

This is Mr. Darrin Stephens.

Well, hello there.

How do you do?

We were afraid you couldn't find the place.

There's some people here who are very anxious to meet you.

Won't you come in?

One word out of you, and I'll kill you.

Well, I was having a drink with, uh, a major

up in the officer's mess in Bonga-Bonga.

And the door opened, and in came this diminutive colonel,

approximately nine inches high,

immaculately dressed in every way,

and he swarmed up the stool to the bar and ordered a drink.

And the major said to the colonel--

He said, "Colonel, tell Mr. Osgood

about the time you fell out with a witch-doctor."

Can I, uh, freshen anybody's drinks?

No, thank you.

Well, this has been most interesting, Mr. Rightmire.

Thank you, Mr. Andrews. Of course, this is only one

of many stories I have concerning witchcraft.

Fascinating, Mrs. Stephens.

Yes, indeed.

I could listen to him talk all night, couldn't you?

Well, perhaps not quite--

Honey.

Pass me the ashtray, would you, Beverly, dear?

Yes, sir.

I've been away for several years,

and I'm afraid my niece is a little awed

by her illustrious uncle.

Isn't that it, dear?

Yes, Uncle Rightmire.

Osgood.

Who?

Mr. Rightmire, I'd like very much to do an article

on you and your work.

I was, uh, telling him about the wonderful way

you handled that situation this afternoon.

Oh, that.

Yes, he was positively wonderful.

You bet.

Ahem.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Osgood.

I'm particularly interested in witchcraft, Mr. Rightmire.

What was the spell you put on the witches in the audience?

An ancient peasant incantation I translated from the Hungarian.

Yes, we were trying to remember it.

How does it go?

As a publisher,

I'm sure Mr. Andrews will appreciate the answer

that I gave to your son-in-law earlier.

Read my book.

[RIGHTMIRE CHUCKLES]

ANDREWS: He's absolutely right.

Excuse me.

I'll be right back.

Mother! Mother!

ENDORA: He did it to me. And without the incantation.

Mother, where are you?

Here I am.

Ooh!

Mother, he's a warlock.

He could be.

Yes, he certainly could be.

And we've got to find out.

We'll just have to give him the ordeal by fire.

But how? And with what?

The most simple test is to give him a glass of

cayenne, red peppers, hot sauce and a little tomato juice.

Of course.

If he can drink that, he's a warlock all right.

I was in this village in darkest Africa,

investigating some strange voodoo rites,

and the chief came up to me and said--

Excuse me.

After midnight everyone. Time for Bloody Mary's.

Oh, that's a marvelous idea.

LARRY: Oh, thank you, Endora.

Thank you very much.

Well, here's to the success of your book, Mr. Rightmire.

Thank you.

Cayenne and red pepper? What for?

You almost killed him!

To prove he isn't a warlock.

He doesn't even know what he's doing.

He's a stupid bundler!

Mother! What?

Maybe he has a charm, a talisman of some sort,

that he doesn't know anything about.

Yes, yes.

That has to be it!

Ah-ha! All right, back to the living room.

Really, I'm awfully sorry, Mr. Rightmire.

I hope you're feeling better.

Fine. Thank you. Fine.

I made you a fresh one.

No more, dear lady, no more.

[MOUTHING]

Incidentally, I'm sure none of you know this,

but the Bayou folk of Louisiana used cayenne and red pepper

as a test for warlocks.

That's a rather interesting ring, Mr. Rightmire.

Where did you get it?

From an old mystic who lived at the headwaters of the Nile.

May I see it?

This ring never leaves my finger.

Ahh!

Except for you, dear lady.

Did you see that?

It practically jumped out of my hand.

Mother, I'm getting that feeling again.

Me too. Come on.

LARRY: It can't have gone very far.

RIGHTMIRE: No, no. ANDREWS: Look above your hand.

Under the sofa?

It's got to be in this room somewhere.

ENDORA: All right. You first, dear.

Thank you, Mother.

It's too dangerous to be in the hands of an amateur.

Well, we can't let him have it back.

No.

He'll never know the difference.

Come on.

Is this the ring you're looking for, Mr. Rightmire?

Yes. Where did you find it?

In the kitchen. It must've rolled there.

It's a busy little ring, isn't it?

Yes. Well, uh, I'd better be toddling along.

I, uh, have to get Miss Wilson back home, you know.

I'm sure your little niece isn't used to being out so late.

Hey, what about the car, Uncle Rightmire?

Yes, of course. The, uh-- The auto club.

Oh, doesn't it work?

Why don't you try it again.

Yes, yes, I'll, uh-- I'll do that.

Well, Mrs. Stephens, thank you so, so much.

Oh, no, Mr. Rightmire.

Thanks to you, we've had an enchanting evening.

So be it.

Let me sum up by saying what you've all heard

many times before.

Discount coincidence,

discredit fate, dispense with superstition

and you'll be secure

as I am in the conviction that there is no such thing

as witchcraft.

BEVERLY: Mr. Rightmire! Mr. Rightmire!

Ta-ta!

[♪♪♪]