Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello.

Oh, hi, Sally.

I was wondering where you were.

[CRYING]

Oh, hang on just a minute, will you?

I'm sorry, sweetheart. I know you're hungry.

I'll feed you in a minute.

Uh, hello.

Yes, you'll have to speak a little louder.

The baby's crying.

You can't?

Oh, Sally, I was depending on you.

Well, I am sorry.

How about your sister?

Oh, yes, I understand.

I hope you both feel better soon.

Bye-bye.

Where did you get that bottle?

Really, Samantha!

Where do you think she got it?

Oh, well, thank goodness.

For one terrible moment, I thought maybe Tabatha had...

Well, you never know.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Thank you.

Well, that's the last of them.

I've tried every babysitter I know.

I have a lunch date with Darrin

and a very important client

who insists upon meeting everybody's wives.

Well, if you really want to go out to lunch,

why don't you toddle off?

I'll stay here with Tabatha.

[SIGHS]

No, Mother. I I better not.

Thank you for offering, though.

What do you mean, you'd better not?

You've never stayed with Tabatha before.

Well, although this may come as a surprise, Samantha,

I'm not a complete stranger to babies.

You, as I recall, were once one yourself.

Don't you trust me, Samantha?

Of course I do.

Doesn't Dagwood trust me?

Well...

Oh! That presumptuous mortal.

Refusing to let me babysit with my own flesh and blood.

All right, Mother, all right. I'm sorry.

Of course you can stay.

Marvelous.

Do tell Dorian.

It's sure to ruin his lunch.

It's Darian!

Uh, Doria--

Darrin.

And I'll do nothing of the kind.

Now, Mother, promise me...

no funny business.

Witch's honor.

I promise, angel.

[TABATHA CRIES]

That's a...

That's a nice little girl.

And the beautiful, charming, kindly witch,

said to the nasty, old Snow White,

"Here is a lovely apple."

Oh, don't kick, darling.

Now, listen, we're trying to make you much more comfortable.

That's a girl.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Come...

Come in!

Oh, Mrs. Stephens, the most remarkable thing happened.

I was just feeding little Edgar,

the sweetums, and you know what he did?

He grabbed the spoon-- Oh, it's you.

I thought Mrs. Stephens was here.

Well, Samantha isn't here.

Mrs. Kravitz, do you know how to change a diaper?

I was just leaving.

What an adorable baby.

I'll hold him while--

Oh, he doesn't like to be held.

Oh. Well, then, just set the little darling right here,

and I'll watch him.

Well, he doesn't like to be touched, either.

ENDORA: Very well, just as you say.

Ohhh...

Hello, cutie.

Is Auntie Gladys going to change you, huh?

I suppose you're wondering why I came in with a baby.

No.

Edgar is Edna's child.

Edna is my sister.

Edgar was born the very same week as Tabatha.

Oh, but they're completely different.

How nice, considering he's a boy.

Oh, no, I mean really different.

Well, I wouldn't be surprised.

Edgar is much more advanced.

Aren't you? Aren't you? You little Einstein, you!

You see, my sister's husband is a CPA,

and you know how smart they are.

So naturally Edgar is much farther along

than other babies his own age.

Now, take Tabatha.

Edgar was crawling almost a week before--

Ow!

Ooh!

I pricked myself.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Yes, but I wasn't even near a pin.

I'd finished.

Oh, don't you worry, sweetums.

You'll clench your fist, and you'll gurgle and laugh

and eat with a spoon just like Edgar.

Now that Auntie Gladys has made you all comfy-wumfy,

maybe nice old granny will give you some milky-wilky, huh?

TABATHA: No, thank you, Mrs. Kravitz.

I don't care for any.

She talked!

So she did.

[GASPS] The baby talked!

Abner, I tell you, that baby talked!

I heard it with my own ears.

You mean you let her get a word in?

I asked it if it wanted some milk.

And she said, “No, thank you.

I've just eaten."

So?

What's so remarkable about that? The kid wasn't hungry.

Abner, infants don't talk.

Even Edgar doesn't talk.

You make up for him.

Abner, I'm telling you.

I heard that little baby, Tabatha, talk.

Now, do you believe me, or not?

Why shouldn't I believe ya?

For a year now, you've been telling me

there's funny things going on over there.

Once you saw people flying,

then you saw pictures hanging themselves on the walls.

Now you tell me an infant can talk.

Know something? You're improving.

Mah!

Come on. You come sit over here.

Yes, indeed.

[PHONE RINGS]

Yes?

Samantha?

Oh, fine.

Fine. Did you have a nice lunch?

Oh, no, no trouble.

No calls.

Yes, she's right here in my arms looking so bright-eyed,

you'd think she was about to talk.

Oh, no, no, dear. Take your time.

No rush.

Bye-bye.

There, yes, that was your mummy.

Yes, I'm going to tell you another nice story

about two naughty little children,

called Hansel and Gretel.

[GIGGLES]

Yes. Of course, I'm going to tell you the truth

about Hansel and Gretel.

Not any of those old falsehoods

they've been spreading around for years.

Now, there. Are you comfortable?

Yes. The book?

Here we are.

Let's see if we can find the story.

Yes, here it is.

Now, "Once upon a time, a nice, kindly witch

"lived in a gingerbread house in the forest.

She wasn't bothering anyone or causing any harm."

You understand that, Tabatha.

"Well, unfortunately, one day, two nasty little hooligans

"called Hansel and Gretel, found the gingerbread house.

"Well...

"without so much as a by-your-leave,

"the two little gluttons broke off her window ledge

and ate it!"

Now, what do you think of that?

[GURGLES] Yes.

"Well, naturally, the nice witch was concerned."

I mean, who likes vandalism?

[♪♪♪]

Mr. Stephens!

Oh, Mr. Stephens! Wait!

Oh, Mr. Stephens.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Kravitz.

I just wanted to congratulate you on Tabatha.

What about Tabatha?

Well, about the way she talks and everything.

Oh, it's wonderful.

A genius on my very own block.

Tabatha talked?

Why, yes. I heard her.

She said, “No, thank you, Mrs. Kravitz. I won't have any".

She meant milk.

I had suggested that she have some milk.

[♪♪♪]

[TABATHA GURGLING]

Hello, Tabatha.

I'm your Daddy.

Do you have anything to say to Daddy?

Is there anything you'd like?

Just tell Daddy, and I'll get it for you.

I imagine she'd like her dinner. It's already in the--

Shh!

Let her say it herself.

Darrin, are you all right?

Fine.

Just fine for a man who's just learned

his infant daughter can talk.

Tabatha, talk?

Mrs. Kravitz told me all about it.

How she said, “No, thank you, Mrs. Kravitz.

I don't care for any milk.”

Mrs. Kravitz?

No, Tabatha!

You mean you didn't hear it?

No, I didn't.

It must've happened while we were having lunch.

When the babysitter was here.

Mother!

What mother?

Your Mother.

Sam!

Well, um, uh, Darrin,

the babysitter got the flu,

and I couldn't get anyone else.

I didn't want to break our lunch date.

Well, it was the only thing to do.

Honey, you didn't.

You didn't leave Tabatha alone with that--

That-- That broom jockey.

Darrin, she is my mother.

She got her feelings hurt when I refused,

she promised she wouldn't do anything.

Promises or no, you don't leave a four-time loser alone

with an open safe!

Oh.

Can you get her here?

That won't be necessary.

Broom-jockey, am I?

Mother, you promised.

Truly, darling, I just couldn't help myself.

Couldn't help yourself? Is that your excuse?

Darrin, Darrin. Now, just give her a chance to explain.

Mother, you come down here.

That very foolish woman and her very advanced nephew

just got on my nerves,

so I put a few simple words in the baby's mouth.

Oh, it was more than human flesh could bear!

You're not human!

Darrin. True.

Mother.

How dare you play your stupid, childish tricks

on an innocent baby?!

Mother-- Darrin.

There's no need to shout.

You'll disturb the baby.

The baby, you couldn't care less about the baby!

[GASPS]

Now, can't we just discuss this

like adults?

That baby, my granddaughter, was being insulted.

She was made to sound like a dim-witted lump!

So what? Darin!

All that's important

is that she's a normal, healthy, happy baby.

[CRYING]

There, she isn't happy anymore.

There, you see? You see?

You made the baby cry.

I'm entitled! I'm her father.

And from now on, you keep your conjuring mitts off of her!

Uh-oh.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

DARRIN: Don't go away. I'm not finished.

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

That's where you're wrong. You're all finished!

Mother! Don't you dare.

That's right, that's right.

Not in front of the baby.

This is the house with the talking baby?

This is it. Their name is Stephens.

Oh, no!

What's the matter, Mrs. Kravitz?

You can't keep a thing like this to yourself.

A thing like this belongs to the world.

Daily Mail, ma'am.

We got a call from some lady, says you got a...talking baby.

Yes, that was me.

Uh, Mrs. Kravitz, with a K.

R-A-V-I-T-Z.

That's her.

She's the one.

Hello, Tabatha.

These are the gentlemen of the press.

Mrs. Kravitz, I'm sure you've made a mistake.

Well, I know what I heard.

Gentlemen, I'm sorry that, uh, you've been brought out here

on a wild-goose chase, but--

Yes. I don't know what Mrs. Kravitz told you.

The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

DARRIN: But the baby didn't talk.

Gurgled maybe or, uh--

Or maybe there was a radio playing somewhere,

and that's what she heard.

Radio. Anyway, uh,

you can see for yourself, she's just an infant.

Oh, she doesn't even say "Mama" yet.

No.

Well, we figured as much.

We had to check it out.

Hey, wait a minute! Wait a minute!

She heard it. She can tell you.

My mother-in-law didn't hear a thing.

Oh. Are you referring to me,

the broom jockey?

What about it, lady?

Besides, she makes up things.

Y-you can't believe a thing she says.

TABATHA: On the contrary,

my grandmother always tells the truth.

[GIGGLES]

Ah-ha!

Did--? Did you hear what I heard?

How about a little statement for the press, honey?

TABATHA: Not tonight, gentlemen.

I haven't had my dinner.

Okay. Hold it!

We'll see you tomorrow.

Oh, what a story.

So long, folks. Look for yourselves

in the morning edition.

Hey, wait a minute!

Wait for me! Wait till I tell you how these people

fly in and out of windows...

Darrin, you can push Mother just so far.

[TABATHA COOS]

[♪♪♪]

Sam?

Sam!

Samantha--

Shh!

Ooh!

Maybe nobody'll notice.

Not notice?

This is the kind of thing people eat up!

We're in for it, believe me.

Oh, Darrin, I'm sure people have much too much to do

to bother about a silly thing like this.

[♪♪♪]

Good morning, Tabatha.

Ready to give us that statement now?

REPORTER: When was the first time she talked, Mrs. Stephens?

Looks like any ordinary baby.

MAN: Some ordinary!

She already talks better than you.

Kitchy-koo, Tabby!

Who do you like in the National League pennant?

I'm sorry. This has all been a mistake.

MAN: How do you like that?

People have a smart baby

and all of a sudden, they get snooty!

Oh, my stars!

No!

Definitely, emphatically, categorically, no!

But, Darrin, it's perfect.

Can't you see it? Out of her own mouth.

"I like Nasely's Baby Food

because it's got the taste and texture that's right."

Then we dub in a baby chorus

with Tabatha singing the Nasely jingle.

Larry, for the last time, she can't talk!

Oh, come on, buddy boy!

Let's not carry this modest-parent thing too far.

There were witnesses.

She won't do it!

Ah-ha!

What ah-ha?

You said, “won't,” not “can't.”

What are you doing?

The heck with you. I'll ask Tabatha.

[♪♪♪]

Who is it?

Mailman!

Daily Mail, ma'am.

What does Tabatha think of the American income-tax structure?

I don't think she's too crazy about it.

Sam...

Hi, sweetheart. Where'd you come from?

I snuck in the back way to avoid the crush.

Oh, this is terrible.

They haven't let me alone all day.

I know. Me too.

Larry wants Tabatha to give testimonials for baby food.

Oh, marvelous.

I tried to get Mother, but she won't come.

I think she's still mad.

She's mad?!

[PHONE RINGS]

Oh, I've been at it all day.

Your turn.

Unh...

Hello.

Yes, this is Darrin Stephens.

What?

You want to rent her?

For six weeks to run her through a series of tests.

Look, why don't you guys go back to finding a cure

for the common cold.

Who was that?

The Mayo Clinic.

Tonight, all America is agog over the report

that little Tabatha Stephens,

an infant girl no longer than my arm,

speaks the King's English as well as you or I do.

Reliable sources report that the Stephens

have already been contacted

by the Hollywood Palace TV show.

Sam?

Oh, they wanted her to emcee, but I turned them down.

And this evening, TASS, the Russia news agency,

announced that in Moscow,

a baby two weeks younger than Tabatha Stephens

speaks perfect Russian.

Figures.

Meantime, in Washing--

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Who is it?

Mailman.

You tried that before.

U.S. Mail. Special delivery.

You better be.

It's for Tabatha.

Got to deliver it personally.

She's in conference.

Sure would like to see that talking baby.

Sorry.

Who's it for?

Oh, dear. Tabatha.

It's from Harvard University!

They're offering her a scholarship.

Harvard University?! But she's a girl.

They'll make an exception.

Oh, Darrin, what are we going to do?

I don't know.

Your mother's really done it this time.

She's got to be the one to get us out of this.

Sam, that's like asking a cobra to help out a mongoose.

Just a minute.

I have an idea.

And it might work,

but I'll need Mother's help,

if I can get her here.

Okay, but just keep Tabatha upstairs.

Mm-hmm.

Bye, sweetheart.

[CHATTERING]

Sam. Hmm?

Can you create, um, a diversion?

Oh, I'll do better than that.

Go on.

Thanks, honey.

You're welcome.

Bye, honey!

Bye-bye.

[YELLING]

Come on, Mother.

I want to show you what's been going on.

There must be at least 100 people out there.

Oh, it's remarkable what a little publicity will do.

Now, I realize that you did what you did

only out of love for Tabatha,

but don't you know what this means?

All her life she'll have a mob of people around her.

She'll never be alone.

That's nothing to worry about, Samantha.

Little girls like to be the center of attention.

I always did.

Well, if you're willing to make the sacrifice.

What sacrifice?

Well, she won't belong to any of us anymore.

She'll belong to her public.

Oh, I suppose you'll get to see her

once or twice a year.

If you make an appointment.

Appointment?

Appointment to see my own granddaughter?

Well, you don't think you'll be able to play with her

or take her for a walk any time you want, do you?

She'll be a celebrity.

One lump or two?

Well, is there any way to stop all this?

Well, I do have an idea.

But I'll need your help.

All right.

Hi there, Mrs. Kravitz, Mr. Kravitz.

Come right on in. Make yourselves at home.

Come in, gentlemen.

Thank you.

I don't think they'll buy it.

Keep your fingers crossed.

Well, how does it feel to be a celebrity, honey?

I beg your pardon?

She doesn't look any different to me.

That's the one that flies.

I asked you all over tonight

because I'd like to make an apology.

Now, all this business about Tabatha talking

has been an unfortunate misunderstanding.

Yes.

And once it got started,

we just didn't know how to stop it.

Well, let's get to the point, Mrs. Stephens.

When did Tabatha start to talk?

That is the point. She didn't.

I mean, she hasn't.

Perhaps I should explain.

You know, when I was younger, I was in vaudeville.

Maybe you heard of me.

I was known as Endora

the Miraculous.

She's miraculous, all right.

Oh, thank you.

My specialty was ventriloquism.

I did baby voices.

They were quite effective.

And so when this lady came over the other day,

I couldn't resist the temptation to try it out again.

So you see, Tabatha didn't really talk at all.

Now, wait a minute.

I was this far away, and I saw this baby talk.

TABATHA: Would you mind not breathing in my face, sport?

Like that?

Her lips moved that time.

Well, I don't know. It's awful realistic.

She may have made Tabatha talk, but not by ventriloquism.

There's something very strange about her.

Gladys, will you stop?

No, I will not.

It is time that people found out about this house.

Oh, weird things go on in here.

They have powers, supernatural powers!

Oh, you wouldn't believe the things I've seen.

Gentlemen, I guess I'll have to prove to you

how simple it is to make a baby talk.

Here, darling.

Will you hold your child?

There.

Now, then, Mrs. Kravitz--

No, don't touch me!

Oh, but it's very easy, you know.

You can do it too.

Just throw your voice to the back of the throat

and talk very high.

Go on, try it.

Oh, no, I will not!

Abner, make her stop!

She's gonna do something.

[SCREECHES]

She did!

[TABATHA'S VOICE] She turned me into a baby.

Hey, that was pretty good.

So you see, that's all there was to it.

I'm awfully sorry if there was a misunderstanding.

Gee, you sure caused a sensation.

Well, we'll have to print a retraction.

How does she stop?

Talk in your normal voice.

[TABATHA'S VOICE] I am talking in my normal voice.

Mother...

[NORMAL] Oh, would it be terrible if I were like this all my life?

That, I would agree with.

Hey, I'm normal.

That, I wouldn't agree with.

Come on, Gladys.

But... But...

You see how simple it was?

[♪♪♪]

Darrin, I think that you should tell Mother that you're sorry.

I know it was all her fault to begin with,

but she did such a wonderful job of straightening everything out.

And I'm sure she's forgiven you for the way you talked to her.

Forgiven me?

[BOY'S VOICE] I must say, that's sweet of her.

Mother.

Mother.

Where are you?

This is the last straw!

Sam, get her back here.

Mother!

Endora, you come back here

[NORMAL] and change my voice right away.

Thank you, Mother. You're a great help.

ENDORA: That's what mothers are for, dear.

[ENDORA LAUGHS]

[♪♪♪]