Original subtitles

Don't you think we ought to call your mother and father

and let them know we're going to the hospital?

Sweetheart, we haven't got time.

I'll call them later.

How about Derek?

I'll call him too.

Do we know a Derek?

Not yet.

I just thought it might be a nice name if it was a boy.

Honey, we can decide on that later.

How 'bout your mother?

Should we let her know?

Oh, don't worry.

She'll be there.

[PHONE RINGS]

Don't answer it.

It'll only take a minute.

Now, you run out and get the car.

Hello.

Samantha?

This is Serena. Your cousin Serena.

Well, Serena!

What are you doing in town?

Oh, well, darling, it's the in place to be

at this time of year.

When are you having the baby?

Oh, in an hour or so.

Well, I guess that kills lunch.

Probably dinner too.

Look, why don't I pop into the hospital

and brighten your stay.

Marvelous. I'll be at the Perkins Hospital and--

[GASPS]

What did you say?

Nothing.

But I think someone's trying to tell me something.

Bye-bye, Serena.

Sam, are you all right?

Oh, I'm fine. Just fine.

Darling, how about "Serena" if it's a girl?

Sweetheart, if you don't hurry,

we may end up calling the baby "Freeway,"

because that's where it's going to be born.

[♪♪♪]

This your first one?

How can you tell?

You're smoking my pipe.

Oh.

Sorry.

You bit through the stem.

Oh, I'll-- I'll buy you a new one.

Aw, that's all right.

It was about shot anyway.

Well, tell me, what do you want?

A boy or a girl?

Oh, I don't care.

Just so long as it's mortal.

Just so long as it's--

What?

You know what I mean. Human.

I mean, healthy!

I think you could do with a cup of coffee.

No, thanks.

I've had so much coffee, I slosh when I walk.

Well, I could use some.

I wish you wouldn't do that.

Why are you wearing that?

I just came from the delivery room!

You were in there with Sam?

I thought it was a mother's place.

They couldn't see me, of course.

How is she?

Oh! Samantha just presented me

with the most beautiful granddaughter.

You mean, I'm--?

I'm-- I'm the father of a girl?

That too.

Well, that-- That's just great.

And Sam? How's Sam?

She's fine.

She's fine.

Endora, I don't know what to do first,

to hug you or offer you a cigar.

There's no other choice?

I have a daughter!

[CHUCKLES]

Are you a good swimmer?

[TEARFULLY] I can't swim a stroke.

Well, we'd better use these.

Thank you. [SOBS]

[SOBS, COUGHS]

[SNIFFLES]

Well, how does she look?

Absolutely adorable.

Talented too. Talented?

Yes, with the most marvelous sense of humor.

Humor.

The baby?

Well, I thought it was just too funny.

When the doctor slapped her to make her cry,

and she turned around and slapped him right back.

Really?

No.

No, I was just teasing.

[EXHALES]

You know, Endora, sometimes you can be almost human.

This is no time to be insulting.

Here he is.

You look beautiful.

So do you.

You're a mother.

You're a father.

Well, while you two are trying to identify each other,

I'll go get your daughter.

I love you.

I love you.

We had a girl.

A girl.

A daughter.

A girl.

I'm very proud of you.

I'm proud of both of us.

We had a girl.

[GIGGLES]

A baby girl.

Sam, I'm a father!

And I'm a mother.

I thought you two had that all worked out.

Now, would you like to hold your daughter?

Oh, isn't she beautiful?

I think she's beautiful.

Don't get too close.

And don't sit on the bed.

Hi there.

Honey, don't you think we ought to do something about her name?

Darling, what do you think of "Tabatha"?

T-- Tabatha?

Crazy about it, huh?

Where did you, uh, happen to get a name like Tabatha?

Well, as a matter of fact, Mother suggested it.

I see.

But if you don't like it, we can always choose another name.

Shouldn't we do it right away?

Shouldn't she have her name around her wrist or something?

No, all they put on the bracelet is "Girl Stephens."

Oh.

[COOING]

"Tabatha Steph--"

Tabatha?

I don't understand.

[WHISPERS] Mother!

Oh, boy, it started already.

I've got to check into this.

Oh.

Couldn't I hold her just a moment longer?

I'm afraid not, honey.

She needs her beauty sleep.

Something very strange about this.

No one's supposed to tamper with these ID bracelets.

I'm afraid you'll have to run along too, Pop.

[TABATHA CRYING] Already?

Yes, your wife's had enough excitement for one day.

You've got 30 seconds.

Thirty seconds.

I'll see you later.

Sam...

Is she or isn't she?

Darling, you know as much as I do.

But if she starts levitating bottles in the nursery,

let me know, huh?

NURSE: Your 30 seconds are up.

My dear, darling child.

How are you feeling?

Happy.

Contented.

And much flatter.

And how is little Tabatha?

Mother, there's something I have to talk to you about.

We haven't decided on a name yet.

Well, I don't care what you call her.

You don't?

No.

Whatever you call her, I shall call her "Tabatha."

Mother.

Well, I thought you liked the name.

I do, but that's not the point.

We'd like to decide for ourselves.

Well, we'll see.

Have they let you hold her?

Mm. It was only for a minute.

I wish they'd let me keep her longer.

Oh, those ridiculous hospital rules.

Oh! I brought you something.

[GASPS]

Oh!

Mo--

Oh.

Oh. Well, I appreciate the gesture.

Nonsense.

What are all these flowers and you doing in this room?

I am her mother.

Well, you'll have to wait until this afternoon.

And these flowers have got to go.

Too many flowers use up all the oxygen in the room.

How did you manage to get in here?

I didn't think Houdini could do it.

Houdini had a lot to learn.

Goodbye, Grandma.

Why do I have to leave?

Because we are about to take our nap.

"Our nap"?

Are you going to climb into bed too?

I was using the royal "we."

Are you a member of royalty?

Yes. I'm queen of this floor.

That means I can tell you when to visit and when not.

ENDORA: When did you get out of charm school?

Well, let me put it another way:

Get out.

Mother, I think you've met your match.

[CHUCKLES]

We'll see.

You can come back this afternoon.

Where'd she go?

Oh, she just popped out.

Well, I didn't mean to hurt her feelings,

but, after all, looking after you is my business,

and that's what I intend to do.

Now, I'm going to clear these flowers out of here,

and you're going to take a nap.

And no nonsense.

Samantha?

Serena?

[GIGGLES]

[LAUGHING] Oh!

Oh, my. You grew up to be a very nice-looking girl.

You too.

[BABIES CRYING]

Hi!

Hey!

Wooh!

Ooh!

Isn't there someone looking after my grandchild?

They say crying's good for them.

She is beautiful, isn't she?

Endora, for once, we're in complete agreement.

Luckily, she takes after Samantha.

She does look like Sam,

but I think there's a little bit of me there too.

Yes, but the wrinkles will disappear soon.

I meant the hair. It's dark like mine.

Baby fuzz.

It'll rub off soon.

No, she'll grow up to look just like Samantha.

What makes you so sure?

Well, I'll prove it to you, if you like. How?

Well, I'll turn her into a young lady

for a few minutes, and then you'll see.

Endora, if you so much as look at my daughter the wrong way,

I-- Oh, I wish I could break you of the habit

of making empty threats. Endora!

Oh, let's not fight, Derek.

Let's not fight...

[CRYING] ...in front of the baby.

Oh, by the way,

have you told your mother and father about the birth yet?

Oh, no, I haven't.

How come you're suddenly so concerned about my parents?

Oh, stop being so suspicious.

Now, be a good boy, and run along and phone them.

Yeah, I-- I suppose I should.

There.

All you needed was to be picked up, wasn't it?

Now, we'll go for a little walk,

and then we'll take you to your mommy, yes.

Yes.

I'd like to leave a little plaything for the baby.

I thought a centaur might be nice.

Serena.

I-I have to explain something.

You see, my husband is mortal.

[GASPS]

Oh.

You poor dear.

If you really want to get her something,

why don't you buy her a rattle.

Darling, you're positively brilliant.

I'd never have thought of that.

[SIGHS]

Takes practice.

At least let me leave you a little something.

Serena, I hate to seem ungrateful,

but they have a rule about too many flowers in the room.

As a matter of fact,

you're not even supposed to be here.

Yes, I know.

An old biddy nurse tried to stop me outside.

That must've been Miss Kelton.

You better leave before she gets back.

Oh, darling, she's been here all the time.

Where?

[CROAKS]

That's Nurse Kelton!

[CROAKS]

Serena, you turn her back.

Oh, very well, darling.

Don't get excited.

[CROAKS]

Where am I?

Might've known she'd say something cliché.

And all these flowers back in here again!

I was sure I put those out.

I told you the hospital doesn't like so many flowers.

What's going on?

Where are the flowers?

What flowers?

You didn't see any flowers?

No.

You?

No.

I did.

Oh.

Miss Kelton, don't let it worry you.

Oh, I'm not worried, honey.

I've been a nurse for 20 years,

and I know that there's a logical explanation

for everything that happens.

There's one for my seeing the flowers.

What's that?

The job's getting to me.

Ta-ta.

Where'd she go?

Pardon me.

Could you tell me where I could buy a rattle?

Well, yes. Tippett's Toy Store is two blocks away.

You just--

Thank you.

You see, I'm completely new here and--

What's the matter?

Uh, have we met somewhere before?

No.

But I've heard that line somewhere before.

Where's my baby?!

Oh, Mr. Stephens.

Mr. Stephens. Where's my baby?

Oh, now, don't be alarmed.

You mean, she's gone?!

Oh, she must be around here...somewhere.

Endora. She did it!

She's completely new here, and she wanted a rattle.

A rattle?

She can't get away with this. It's criminal!

Who's Endora?

She took my baby's childhood away from her!

I've got to stop her!

Oh, I've got to get out of this business.

It's right on the corner. You can't miss it.

Thank you.

Oh. Please!

Please, don't go!

Get back to the nursery.

I beg your pardon.

You see, I'm your father.

Y-- Your daddy.

Me, Da-da.

Da-da.

Are you a psychiatric patient here?

Quick, back into your bassinet.

What is all this?

Please. You'll miss your feeding.

Please, believe me!

Look, I wasn't born yesterday, you know.

I know. You were born today.

[CHUCKLES]

Please, get back to the nursery.

No.

You get back to the nursery.

[BABY CRYING]

Just what do you think you're doing in here?

I'm sorry.

Wrong room.

Miss Foster, did you just see a fully grown man in here

sucking a pacifier?

Uh, no, I I didn't, Nurse Kelton.

Thought not.

Now, Mother, you take her back before they miss her.

Well, the least they could do is give her a private room.

Eh, little Tabatha?

Her name is not Tabatha.

Where--? Where did you get that baby?

From the nursery.

She was crying.

Give her to me.

Give her to me! Oh!

I have a good mind to report you

to the authorities.

Oh, please.

Uh, please, Miss Kelton. She means well.

Look, Grandma, I've had just about enough of you.

I am not your grandmother.

Don't be mad at her.

You see, Mother's a little...

eccentric.

Sooner or later, it happens to all of us, honey.

Happens to all of us.

Darrin! How are you, old buddy?

Oh, hi, Dave.

So, what's new?

Hm? Uh, nothing.

You-- You seem kind of harried.

I thought new fathers were--

[GIGGLES]

Now, that is something.

What do you mean by that?

I mean, there is a great-looking chick.

How would you like a punch in the mouth?

Are you kidding? All I said was--

I'm warning you, Dave! Knock it off!

Oh, great.

I've got to talk to you. Oh, not you again.

You shouldn't be walking around like this.

Really?

Well, you shouldn't be walking around like that.

How can you do this to your daddy?

What's going on here?

Uh, I know this all looks very strange, but, uh,

there is an explanation.

You see, I'm her father.

Sure. You're her daddy, right?

She was born when you were 8 years old, right?

I know it doesn't add up, but she's--

She's gone!

I've got to stop her.

You're not going anywhere!

Oh. Well, you're too late!

My baby's out on the town!

Do you really think you should wear that outfit...at your age?

You know this gentleman?

Yes, he's a distant relative.

You know how it is. Every family has one.

[CHUCKLES]

I want to have a talk with you. In private.

Oh, very well, come on over here.

Now, what did you want to talk to me about?

How could you do this, Endora?

How could you take my baby's childhood away from her?

From us!

What are you babbling about?

I never even had a chance to take her to the zoo.

She never rode a merry-go-round

or had braces on her teeth or--

Or anything.

Who didn't?

Now, don't play dumb with me, Endora.

You've done some pretty rotten things in your time,

but I didn't think you'd stoop this low.

You're just an irresponsible--

Ah-ah-ah-ah! Careful. You're asking for it.

I'm not asking for anything.

I'm telling you to take me to my daughter!

Well, if that's what you want.

Look, just for the record, I'd like to ask you something.

You're not really here, right?

I mean, I saw you here earlier with a pacifier in your mouth,

and now I see you here in your Indian suit,

but it's all in my imagination, right?

You don't really exist, right?

Right.

Thanks.

Dr. Hassenblatt? Nurse Kelton.

I'd like to make an appointment

for a complete psychiatric examination, doctor.

Thanks for the rattle, Serena.

Oh, darling, it was noth--

Sam, I've got--

Darrin!

You found her!

Who's that?

This is really getting very dreary.

Well, one more time.

Why did you do that?

Oh, it's a long, dull story, darling.

But don't worry, they'll come and get him soon.

Ta-ta.

What was she talking about?

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[LAUGHS]

Not there.

I've tried to cure myself, but once a practical joker,

always a practical joker, I guess.

[LAUGHS]

If he promises

never to play any of his practical jokes

in the hospital again,

will, uh, you just forget the whole incident?

Okay, but only for two reasons.

What are they?

I like your wife.

What's the other?

I'm so relieved to find that

you're the fruitcake and not me.

[LAUGHS]

Nurse Kelton, you're a doll!

You've got one minute before I throw you out of here.

KELTON: And don't sit on the bed!

Now, darling, would you mind telling me

what happened to you today?

Honey, it would be impossible in one minute.

Well, did you find your daughter in good health?

Oh, yes. Tabatha's fine.

[IN UNISON] Tabatha!

Yes.

After yelling at you this morning,

I figure I owe you something.

Besides, she looks like a Tabatha.

Oh, thank you.

Well, I'm sure you three would like to be left alone.

You're leaving?

Well, one good turn deserves another.

There. You see, Mother isn't all bad.

Right, Tabatha?

[GASPS]

Darling, I think she has my nose.

Sam, you mean...?

Ha, ha. No, no. I just mean it looks like mine.

We'll have to wait to see if she has any, uh--

Honey, you're a witch.

Can't you tell anything just by looking at her?

Only that I love her.

Some witch.

Even I can tell that.

[COOING]

[♪♪♪]