Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

[RUNS WATER]

[YAWNS]

Darrin, is that you?

No, I left half an hour ago.

Oh.

Hey! Hey, sleepyhead.

Oh, honey. I'm sorry.

I meant to get up and fix your breakfast.

You were sleeping so soundly and you looked so beautiful,

I just couldn't wake you up.

I'm not beautiful. I'm sleepy and I look awful.

Not to me you don't.

You look more beautiful every day.

Do I really?

Of course you do.

Oh, I'll try to get home early tonight.

The Hotchkisses and the Tates are coming for dinner.

And I'm looking forward to them seeing my beautiful wife.

I'll see you tonight.

ENDORA: Mirror, mirror on the wall

Who's the most gullible of all?

Mother!

What do you mean "gullible"?

You're getting more and more human every day, Samantha.

Thank you.

The way you lap up that treacle, it's just pathetic.

Well, I may not be appealing to you, Mother,

but Darrin thinks I'm beautiful.

Oh, he's not telling the truth, and you know it.

[SIGHS]

Thank you, Mother. You do say the nicest things.

Humans beings can't get along without lying to each other.

If they're forced to tell the truth,

it's instant chaos.

That's not true.

Nonsense.

They're all the same.

Every one of them. Including your precious Dumpkin.

That's enough, Mother.

Very well, dear.

You'll see.

Hmm.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

All right, Hagatha.

Here it is, Endora.

I'm so glad I had one in stock for you.

These little truth gods are hard to find.

I knew if anyone would have it in her shop, you would.

Nobody seems to be making them anymore.

There's a lot of handwork goes into them.

And this new generation of witches

just doesn't have the patience.

Where shall I put it?

Oh, uh...how powerful is it?

Oh, not terribly. Really.

It is very old, you know.

But if a human comes within three feet of it,

he'll just have to say what's on his mind.

Oh, splendid!

May I see it, Hagatha?

Of course.

Oh, it's a dear little thing.

Put it on the desk, Hagatha.

One more thing.

They do know what they're saying, don't they?

Oh, yes.

And Samantha won't be affected by it, will she?

Not at all.

She's still one of us, isn't she?

Oh, of course. Of course.

Now, would you like a gift card to go with it?

Oh, yes.

Thank you, Hagatha.

If I'm not prying too much,

what did you put on the card?

Oh, just, "Thought you might be interested in this.

Uncle Herbert."

He's an uncle of Samantha's husband

who travels around the world a lot.

I'd rather my son-in-law didn't know it was from me.

Remember... if he doesn't like it,

you can always exchange it for something else.

Oh, thank you, Hagatha.

DARRIN: I'll call him right away, Miss Thatcher.

Hm.

Miss Thatcher, would you come in here for a minute?

Yes, sir?

Uh, Miss Thatcher, how did this package get on my desk?

Well, I don't know, sir. I hadn't noticed it before.

My Uncle Herbert's full of surprises.

He always says--

[BELL DINGS]

That sure is a tight dress you're wearing.

Your uncle always says that?

And I second the thought.

Wow! That dress looks like it was sprayed on.

I beg your pardon?

Yes, sir.

That is a tight dress, is what that is.

[BELL DINGS]

Well, I'm sorry if I'm wearing something inappropriate.

Inappropriate? Oh, oh, no, no.

Not at all, Miss Thatcher.

That's a very charming dress.

I shouldn't have been so personal.

[BELL DINGS]

Well, I don't mind your being personal, Mr. Stephens.

To tell you the truth, I wore this dress especially for you.

I hoped it would get to you.

It's two sizes too small,

and I thought it would be nice for you to notice

that I was a woman.

Just once.

Uh, Miss Thatcher--

[BELL DINGS]

I-- I was just kidding.

Really. I don't know what made me say that.

Yes, well, um...

that makes us even.

[PHONE RINGS]

I'll take that in here.

I wish you would.

Mr. Stephen's office.

Well, just a moment, Mr. Burke.

I'll see if he's in.

Mr. Burke wants to know if you've done anything

on his advertising campaign.

I haven't done a thing.

I'd better tell him I had the chicken pox or something.

[BELL DINGS]

Hello, Mr. Burke. How are you?

No, I haven't. Not a darn thing.

Well, uh,

no, Mr. Burke.

I haven't forgotten about you.

It's just that I've been snowed under with other things.

To tell you the truth, I haven't been able to work up

any enthusiasm for your product.

Now, look, Mr. Burke,

we have a lot more important clients than you, and--

The same to you, buddy!

[SLAMS PHONE DOWN]

Sorehead.

Am I mistaken,

or did you just throw an account out the window?

Yeah, I did. And it's about time too.

What's the matter with you, Darrin?

An account's an account.

But there are some that just aren't worth it.

And this is one of them.

And what's more, you knew it when you gave it to me.

That's very unfair, Darrin.

It's the truth.

I wanted the Hotchkiss account.

I know how to sell that dishwasher of his.

And besides, a raise should go along with it.

[BELL DINGS]

What's bugging you this morning, Darrin?

I gave you the Burke account because I thought

it was a challenge.

[BELL DINGS]

And I want no part of it.

That's a miserable man, a marginal product,

and I have no intention of knocking myself out.

And you can stop making goo-goo eyes at the Hotchkiss account,

because it's mine.

All mine.

Right, Larry. Sure.

And I hope you'll be in a better mood when we come over

to your house tonight with Mr. Hotchkiss and his wife.

Yeah, I'll try to be a good boy.

Mm.

[BELL DINGS]

I'll see you tonight at 7, Darrin.

I'm looking forward to it, Larry.

[BELL DINGS]

Big shot!

What did you stop me for?

What is it I'm supposed to have done?

You know what you did, Mister. You went through a red light.

That light turned yellow

just as I was going through the intersection.

It was red all the way through.

It was yellow, and you know it!

Come on, now, tell the truth.

May I see your driver's li--?

[BELL DINGS]

Yeah, it was yellow, all right.

You admit it?

Yeah. You got me.

Then what did you flag me down for?

Oh, I was feeling lousy and...

I just felt like I had to hang one on somebody.

It always makes me feel better, when I get this way.

Do you get this way often?

You would too.

I've got two enemies who are trying to destroy

my natural good nature.

My sergeant by day and my wife by night.

Well, you've got it rough.

Trying to keep people from killing one another,

and all you get in return is a nasty look for all your trouble.

Gee, mister, you really understand.

You know...you don't meet up with your kind very often.

Well, I don't feel this way very often.

Now, would you mind removing yourself from my car?

I'd like to go home.

Okay, buddy.

[BELL DINGS]

But don't go through that light again,

or I'll throw the book at you!

Sam, I'm home.

Fine, Darrin. Be down in a minute.

Okay.

ENDORA: Yoo-hoo!

Hello, David.

Did you have a nice day?

Would you mind flying down from your roost?

My, we are testy today, aren't we?

I don't know. I'm...just not myself today.

Oh, you're wrong.

You're very much yourself today.

Exactly what is that supposed to mean?

Hi there.

Hi, darling.

[BELL DINGS]

What kind of a kiss is that?

A cautious kiss.

I didn't want a roller in the eye.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

But I had to do my hair for tonight.

You don't mind, do you?

Sure I do. All men do.

If women only realized how ridiculous and unfeminine

they looked with all that hardware in their hair...

You want me to look pretty, don't you?

Well, look at it this way.

How would you feel if I came tripping down the stairs

with shaving cream all over my face

and offered you my forehead to kiss?

Darrin?

I wouldn't be at my most attractive, would I?

No. And you're not right now.

I find his honesty very refreshing, Samantha.

Well, thank you, Mom.

[BELL DINGS]

You're welcome.

Well, if this side of me is so distressing,

I'll go back upstairs.

Oh, Sam. Sweetheart.

Darling, you are the one woman in the world

who can get away with it.

Even if you tried, you couldn't be... not beautiful.

Aw.

My! That's the sweetest,

whitest little lie I ever heard.

All right, Mother, that'll do.

Oh, what's that?

Oh, that's from Uncle Herbert.

It arrived at the office today.

[BELL DINGS]

Hey...you should have seen the dress

my secretary was wearing today.

Mm-mmm, boy!

Couldn't keep your eyes off of her, I suppose.

Well, it wasn't easy.

[BELL DINGS]

Of course, you can't compare her with Sam.

Miss Thatcher's--

Well, you take her out of that dress and--

Is everything set for dinner?

Yes.

Oh, darling.

Don't let a little thing like that bother you.

You know how men are with their secretaries.

Now, wait a minute!

Wow.

Why don't you two go on upstairs and get dressed.

I hope you have a lovely evening.

Well, thank you, dear.

Don't worry about your mother.

I'll find something to eat, someplace.

Okay, fine.

By myself somewhere.

Maybe I won't bother.

When I'm alone, I just don't have an appetite.

Why don't you stay and have dinner with us?

Oh, darling, that's very nice of you.

Are you sure that I won't be in the way?

No, no. Of course not.

The Tates love seeing you. Don't they, Darling?

Oh. Oh, yes, yes.

They really, certainly, really, really, really do!

Don't overdo it, dear.

Seven o'clock, Samantha?

Yeah. Seven o'clock.

Seven o'clock.

Oh.

Well, sir, I looked that man straight in the eye

and I said, "Sir...give me a chance to prove to you

"that a six-year-old boy can handle

the toughest paper route in town."

He did. And I did.

And that's how I got my start.

Ed, that's a wonderful, heartwarming story.

Isn't it, Darrin?

Certainly is, Larry. Rice drink, Mr. Hotchkiss?

Oh, thank you.

I'll have one, Darrin.

Stephens, that's a cute wife you've got there.

Maybe she could help us write a few slogans for my dishwasher.

I'm afraid I'm not very good at that sort of thing.

Yes, it does take a little talent, doesn't it?

Larry, that reminds me.

I thought of a great slogan for my dishwasher today.

I'll let you have it for nothing.

Great, Ed. Let's hear it.

Everybody ready?

[SNAPS]

Frances.

You're absolutely right, Ed.

I haven't said anything yet.

What was the slogan, Mr. Hotchkiss?

Well, this is going to kill you.

Here's how it goes.

"Confucius say, Don't be wishy-washy.

Buy a Hotchkiss dishy-washy.”

[LAUGHS]

Hey, that's... great, Ed.

[LAUGHS]

Uh, Darrin, make a note of that,

we'll discuss it at the meeting tomorrow.

Sure. Sure, Larry.

I won't have to make a note of that

because...I won't forget it.

How could I forget anything as ridiculous as that.

[LAUGHING]

What was that you said?

"Wishy-washy, dishy-washy." You must be kidding, Ed.

TATE: Now, Darrin...

you've got to admit that it's pretty catchy.

[QUIETLY] Watch yourself, Darrin.

Don't get nervous, Larry.

I know Hotchkiss is a pet of yours.

[BELL DINGS]

That's right, buddy boy.

And if anybody's gonna laugh at a pet client of mine,

it's gonna be me!

[BOTH LAUGH]

"Confucius say..."

Did you ever hear of anything as ridiculous.

I've heard better ones from a ten-year-old child.

[BELL DINGS]

Darrin...Larry, don't tease Mr. Hotchkiss.

[CHUCKLES]

They always do this with a new client.

LOUISE: It's a, sort of, um,

fraternity initiation.

Junior high school fraternity.

You must lose a lot of clients that way.

Oh, no. We only do it to clients who have a good sense of humor.

[LAUGHS]

Yeah. Like you, Ed!

Yeah. Ha-ha!

Well, that's one thing you can say about me

without fear of contradiction.

Right, Frances?

Whatever you say, Ed.

A sense of humor has always been

an important ingredient in my success.

I've always been able to laugh at misfortune,

even during the grim days,

when I was pulling myself up the ladder.

Rung by rung I worked myself up into the appliance business, until--

Knock it off, Ed.

What did you say, Frances?

You didn't work your way into the appliance business.

You were kicked into it by my father

who gave you $25 thousand when we got married.

How can you say a thing like that?

It's very easy.

It's the truth.

But--

Darrin...what'd you put in those drinks?

I don't know, but I'm willing to give you odds

we never make it to dinner.

Now...

Frances, take it eas--

[BELL DINGS]

Give him both barrels, honey.

You'll feel better.

Louise!

You know, I've been clamming up for years

while he's been playing “I Love M”" on his big trombone.

And don't you ever...

[SNAPS AT EVERY WORD] snap your fingers at me again.

[SNAPS]

[GASPS QUIETLY]

Say, why don't we all have another drink, huh?

Samantha, is dinner almost ready?

Hmm?

LOUISE: Dinner may be ready, but Frances isn't.

She has a few more things to say. Haven't you, honey?

Hmm. Plenty.

But this will do for starters.

The odds against dinner are going up.

I'll be going up straight through the ceiling

if you don't do something.

Okay, honey.

You know, uh... a little bit of frankness

can be a very refreshing and healthy thing.

But a lot of frankness is a gasser!

[LAUGHS]

What's come over you?

You interrupted me.

Darrin!

You never talked like this ever.

Well, it's about time somebody did,

and it's about time you listened!

Hold on, Darrin!

Darrin, listen--

You stay out of this, Sam.

I can handle this, Larry.

I think it's time for dinner, everyone.

You might begin by listening to your wife.

And then your advertising representatives.

Keep going. Go on. You're making lots of sense.

ED: I've waited for years for you to stop being

that silent, suffering martyr.

You picked a beautiful time to turn yourself on.

Silent martyr?

Now, you look here, Ed.

Now, just a minute, folks.

[BELL DINGS]

I'm not finished yet!

I think it's time for dinner, everyone.

Larry?

Uh...I think we ought to postpone this little discussion until...

[BELL DINGS]

...right now!

There are ways and ways of handling an account,

and I don't think this is any of them!

DARRIN: Now look, Ed, we don't tell you how

to make your dishwashers.

We don't have to, you make a good one.

But we don't need amateurs

telling us how to conduct your advertising campaign.

Well, let's go in, everyone.

We might as well fight this out over dinner.

Darrin, let him tell him off.

It's his account!

Louise, if I want your help, I'll ask for it!

You leave her alone. She's a fine, courageous woman.

Oh, for heaven's sakes, where's your manners?

We're guests in this house.

Oh, that's perfectly all right, really.

This is my house too,

and I give Frances permission to say anything she wants.

Go ahead, Frances.

Well, why aren't you laughing, Ed? Huh?

Where's that sense of humor that carried you through

those dark days when you were climbing that ladder?

[ALL ARGUE]

Why don't we let it wait until after dinner?

[ARGUING CONTINUES]

Good morning, daughter.

Good morning.

Is there anything you'd like to discuss

with your dear old mother?

Like last night's disaster, for example?

Wasn't it awful?

Well, as I said, that's what you have to expect

when human beings are forced to tell the truth.

Oh.

[GASPS]

Mother!

Isn't that right, my little friend?

Then Darrin's Uncle Herbert didn't send that. You did.

That's right.

It's a little truth god.

Hi, sweetheart. Coffee ready yet?

No, I haven't put it on yet.

Oh. Well, then, how come--?

Oh.

Darrin...before you come any closer,

I think you ought to know that...Mother sent that.

And any human that comes near it has to say what's on his mind.

You see? They just can't stand the truth.

Any of them.

That was a mean, low,

sneaky, underhanded trick.

Yes, it was.

And I'm quite pleased with myself.

It was at the party last night.

Mother kept it rather busy.

That's what caused all the trouble.

Oh, fine. Great.

Then all I have to do is tell Larry

that we were all under the influence of a magic statue.

He'll understand. Simple.

Here's your chance to explain.

He's coming up the walk right now.

Have fun, children.

Moth--!

Oh!

Darling, I'm sorry.

It's all right.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[GRUMBLES]

Darrin...you made a fool of yourself last night.

And you darn near made one of me.

Appeared to me that everyone was doing a pretty good job

on themselves... including you.

Oh, good morning, Samantha. Lovely dinner.

If you want some, it's still out in the kitchen.

I tell you, I stayed up practically all night

trying to calm down Hotchkiss and his wife.

Not to mention Louise.

Oh, I salvaged the account,

but I do think I'm entitled to an apology from you.

Well, Larry, I--

SAMANTHA: There's no reason for Darrin to make an apology.

I'm afraid you'll just have to get along without one.

Well, maybe I can get along without him at the office too.

DARRIN: Why don't you try?

You've got a deal.

[BELL DINGS]

And it's the worst deal I ever made.

I need you at the office, Darrin.

You know that. I can't get along without you.

Oh, that's nice to hear, isn't it, Darrin?

What about Mr. and Mrs. Hotchkiss?

Well...

to tell the truth, I wasn't up with them last night.

He called me this morning.

It seems that they continued the donnybrook they were having

last night and cleared up a lot of old misunderstandings.

They're happy as larks.

Oh, how sweet.

Did they say anything about Darrin?

As a matter of fact, he did.

He said Darrin was right about the slogan,

and that we know more about advertising than he does.

He thinks Darrin's a great guy.

Well, that-- That's fine, Larry.

[BELL DINGS]

You'll be down at the office later then?

Of course, I will, Larry. I'll be there.

As soon as I get a raise

and full responsibility for the Hotchkiss account.

What?

[SIGHS]

You drive a hard bargain, Darrin.

But okay.

See you at the office.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Where's the statue?

Right here, Mother.

You were wrong.

Nothing but good seems to have come from the truth.

Well, you can't win them all.

Anything you'd like to say, dear?

Darling, you're beautiful, sweet, charming, adorable,

and I love you madly.

There, you hear that?

And that's the truth.

But your mother is an irritating, meddling--

Darrin. I'm not finished yet.

I'm gonna say a lot more.

Oh, no you're not.

As I was saying,

your mother is an irritating, meddling, nasty--

Well, I guess I told her.

Guess you did.

[ENDORA CACKLING]

[♪♪♪]