Original subtitles

Honey, I'm home.

Oh, oh, Darrin.

Aunt Clara.

Oh, so nice to see you.

It's nice to see you.

Hi, sweetheart.

Hi, honey.

What you got there?

Twenty four jars of concentrated help.

Compliments of Mother Jenny.

What's she doing here?

Shh.

Uh, Aunt Clara, would you excuse us for a minute?

Why, of course. Of course.

Sam, may I speak to you?

When? Now.

Be back in a minute.

DARRIN: I'll be glad to get rid of these heavy boxes.

I wish I never heard of Mother Jenny's Jam.

Who's Mother Jenny?

His name is Charles Barlow

and these are samples of the jam he makes.

Very healthy.

Yes, I can see how carrying all this weight around

could make you very healthy.

What do we have to do for all this goodness?

I'm glad you asked.

Uh, Mr. Barlow has to leave early tomorrow morning,

so Larry is having a little cocktail party for him

at the office this afternoon.

Oh, no.

SAM: If you'd only told me earlier. I haven't a thing to wear.

DARRIN: How about that black dress you wore at the last office affair?

I wore that to the last office affair.

How about the green one?

I wore that at the other office party before that.

Oh, dear. Darrin, it's just that

you've given me so little warning.

I don't know what the other women are wearing.

How dressy is it?

DARRIN: What do you usually wear to a jam session?

SAM: Okay.

I'll wear my blue jeans and my Beethoven sweat shirt.

Ring a ding a doo.

Oh, well!

Oh, Clara, you're out of your slump..

Well, I mean...

[♪♪♪]

May I make a suggestion?

Aunt Clara!

Did you make that?

Oh, this is just a little something I whipped up.

Well, it's lovely.

Isn't it, Darrin?

Sam, I'm not sure that you should wear--

It's a gift.

Did I do something wrong?

Oh, no, no, not at all.

Well, you have a very funny look on your face.

Well, it's, uh, just with Sam wearing such a beautiful dress,

I'm afraid that I'll look a little seedy.

CLARA: Oh, well.

While I'm in the groove,

let me whip up something for you.

Skat skin a cat.

Well, do you like it?

It's very nice, Aunt Clara.

Thank you very much.

Does it fit?

Alterations included, you know.

Oh, it fits like a suit.

I'm sure Mr. Barlow will be very impressed.

As long as it's a family affair,

do you suppose Aunt Clara could come along too?

Oh, oh, no, dear.

Oh, no.

Now, I couldn't intrude.

As a matter of fact,

this is just the chance we've been looking for

to show you off.

Oh, how nice.

The only empty space in two blocks

and there's a fire hydrant.

Oh, is that bad?

It'd be a lot easier to park if it weren't there.

Oh.

Well, then, why not?

Honey, you better tell Aunt Clara,

the law doesn't like you to--

Oh, it worked the very first time.

Oh, Clara, you're on a winning streak.

Don't tell me, Mister. Let me guess your hobby.

You collect parking tickets, right?

I beg your pardon.

Maybe you need glasses.

You're parked in front of a hydrant.

What hydrant?

Okay.

What do you call that thing over there on the sidewalk?

That thing happens to be my wife.

No, no.

The other thing.

That happens to be my aunt.

Her favorite aunt.

Look, I've been on this beat for three years

and I know the position of every hydrant in this area, so--

It's over there.

I'm sorry, folks.

I've had a rough day.

Well, we all have our problems.

Ladies.

Ooh, I just thought of something.

That car parked in front of the hydrant

will get the ticket intended for us.

Oh, I wouldn't worry about that too much if I were you.

Why not?

It belongs to the Police Commissioner.

Very smart move, bringing your aunt.

Barlow seems to like family.

Good thinking.

Yes, Aunt Clara does have a certain Victorian charm.

Judging from the jam,

Barlow dates back to the Inquisition.

Shh. Sorry.

Darrin, afterwards, why don't you two and Aunt Clara

have dinner with Louise and me?

Mmm, fine.

Well, that's lovely, Larry.

Well, here's to the Mother Jenny.

Yuck.

What was that?

Guess whose vegetable punch.

Barlow refers to it as "liquid health."

Larry, Darrin,

you're not going to help him sell this stuff

to an unsuspecting public, are you?

LARRY & DARRIN: We're considering it.

Let me know when you've come to a decision,

so I can decide whether I want to associate with either of you.

I'll go check on Aunt Clara.

Well, the charming Mrs. Stephens, again.

That is a lovely dress you're wearing.

Thank you, Mr. Barlow.

It's an original.

Yes. Aunt Clara dreamed it up for me.

Your aunt and I have been having quite an interesting talk.

It seems she doesn't like my jam.

Oh?

Oh-oh, I-I'm sure she does.

Well, I like the jar

and I think the label is very attractive,

but when you open it,

it's a matter of taste, isn't it?

And it doesn't have any.

She's such a kidder.

Oh, Aunt Clara, you haven't tasted Mr. Barlow's punch yet.

It's quite an experience.

Oh, I should like that.

Tate, I hate to put a damper on the party,

but I'll have to leave pretty soon.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Barlow.

We hate to lose the life of the party.

Well that's the way it is.

Perhaps someone could drop me off at the hotel.

Oh, I'm sure the Stephens' would be glad to.

Certainly.

Thank you.

Oh, there's Louise. Excuse me a moment.

Are you catching an early plane, Mr. Barlow?

No. It's not that.

You see, Mrs. Stephens, I've been a student of health

in all its aspects.

Yes, I know.

And I've come to some important conclusions.

One:

pure, nutritious foods.

Two:

early sleep is the best sleep.

Three: Naturally,

the earlier you get to sleep,

the better it is.

[WHISPERING] Aunt Clara.

Oh, she is a dear.

She wants us to have a good time, you know.

You know, some people have been flattering enough to compare me

with Louis Pasteur and Bernarr MacFadden,

but of course, that's for history to decide.

I consider myself just a humble worker

in the vineyard of health.

As I see it--

How do you see it, Mr. Barlow?

Well, weren't you wearing another kind of dress?

Pardon?

Well, I could've sworn, but of course I never swear.

I thought it was green, not red.

Well,

it's reddish green.

You know how these synthetics are.

Oh, yes, yes, of course.

Would you excuse me, please?

I-I think I'm much "tireder" than I thought.

Aunt Clara.

A red dress?

Oh, well, why not?

Honey, you could have come a little closer to the original.

You'll be conspicuous.

I could've been a lot more conspicuous.

Oh, my dress didn't hold up.

Oh!

SAM: It started doing a strip-tease.

Darling, that fire hydrant

is liable to get homesick any minute.

You better go and move the car.

Right.

Darrin, Mr. Barlow is tired and ready to leave.

Can you drop him off at his hotel?

Oh, fine, fine. Let's go, Mr. Barlow.

Oh, and Darrin, I'll take Samantha and Aunt Clara

and you join us at the house.

No, I think I better let Darrin drop me off.

I've had a little too much of that punch.

And I'm feeling, uh,

I'm feeling healthy.

DARRIN: Come along, Aunt Clara, I'll take you home

as soon as we drop Mr. Barlow at his hotel.

Here we are Mr. Barlow.

Stephens, do you usually park by a fire hydrant?

CLARA: It really is my fault.

The car being parked by the hydrant.

Come along, Aunt Clara.

Aunt Clara?

Stephens...

Yes?

Do you feel a draft?

Oh, oh, Clara. What has thou wrought?

Aunt Clara?

I'm-I'm-I'm working on it.

I'm-I'm working on it.

MAN: Hey, you!

That's the blue gentleman again.

You do collect tickets, don't you, sir?

Hey, buddy!

Come out here where I can see it.

Don't play hide-and-seek with me.

Why don't you put the ticket on the windshield.

I have to check the tires.

What's going on here?

Aunt Clara, do something!

Aunt Clara, do something, please!

That's a neat trick, Mac, but you had the wrong audience.

I've got a long list for you, buddy.

Resisting arrest,

impersonating an officer.

Me?

What is this craziness?

I suppose you know there's a law against this.

I'm going to throw the book at you.

I don't know these people!

I never saw them before in my life!

I had nothing to do with this!

Oh yeah? Why were you running?

I was trying to help you catch him!

He's right, Officer.

Mr. Barlow didn't have anything to do with this.

Stephens, you and your Aunt

just aren't Mother Jenny's Jam people.

Good work, officer!

Taxi! Taxi! Taxi!

Aunt Clara, you better tell Sam what happened.

Yes.

All right, officer, I'll go quietly.

Oh, this is the last time I'll be a back-seat driver.

I'll tell you, now.

Hey, Montague,

I got company for you.

Tell him to leave his card.

I'll call him later.

You both have an appointment with Judge Crosetti

in the morning.

[SLURRING] Kind of informal, aren't you?

Well, the way it happened was--

Oh, forget it.

One thing I can't stand is a sneaky drunk.

Now, just a minute!

All I had to drink was some vegetable punch.

Yeah, sure.

Vegetable punch, fruit juice, cough medicine.

That's the trouble with you boozers,

you can't face up to reality.

You live in a dream world.

You see everything through an alcoholic haze.

You can't face up to things the way they really are:

miserable.

Could you just save all the philosophical advice

until the morning?

Sam, will you stop worrying?

He probably got caught in cross-town traffic, that's all.

I don't know.

I have a strange feeling something has happened.

Intuition?

You could call it that.

I've never put much stock in women's intuition.

Well that depends on the woman.

Larry, would you mind making my excuses to Louise?

Well, Sam at least let me drive you.

No, thanks, Larry. But I've got to fly.

[MOUTHING]

Oh!

Oh, Clara, you did it.

Oh!

Oh, my poor Darrin.

I wonder who that charming gentleman is with him.

Hmm!

What you lushes need is to develop a sense

of social responsibility.

Yeah. Mmm-hmm.

Then, and only then, will you be able to face life

directly in the eye and march bravely forward.

Oh, for heaven's sake!

Take your hands off me or put some clothes on.

One or the other.

Darrin will freeze to death if I don't get some clothes on him.

Ooh!

Help! Help!

Bartender!

I mean jailer!

Aunt Clara, you blew it again.

Oh, it's a shame men don't dress like that nowadays.

Turnkey!

Warden!

OFFICER: All right, Montague, knock it off!

MONTAGUE: Help! Get me out of here!

Could you arrange for me to have a single room?

He had on tights and a plume in his hat and a big sword.

One is not enough? Now I got two of them.

My advice to you both is to get some sleep.

Help! Look at him now! He's got a tin suit on.

OFFICER: Okay, I'll be right back with a can opener.

Angels and ministers of grace, protect me.

And everything went all "flooey."

People running around without their clothes.

Oh, terrible, dear.

Well, I am so glad you've come, dear.

Look, uh--

Oh, oh, poor Darrin.

Well, at least he's all right.

Hey, "nutsy," do it again.

You know something, that's a pretty good bar-trick.

I could get a lot of free drinks with that.

How do you do it?

All you have to do is snap your fingers.

Just snap your fingers.

Yes, I tried, dear. I tried.

But, uh, I don't seem to be able to have

the same old zing as usual.

I'll tell you what you do.

Now, you go upstairs and take a hot bath

and get a good nights' sleep.

Oh, yes.

No, no, no,

I think I'll polish my doorknob collection.

So consoling, dear.

Yes, of course. So consoling.

I'll take some clothes to Darrin.

I did it! I did it!

And I did it a lot better than you did, buddy.

How-- Honey!

Darrin, I'm so terribly sorry about all this.

Do you want me to spring you?

No. I'm in enough trouble with the law, already.

What's going to happen when you have to face the judge?

Somehow I have a feeling things are going to be all right.

So, don't worry, honey.

Hey, just a minute, buddy! I dreamed her up.

I'll thank you to stop kissing her.

Goodnight, sweetheart.

See you in court.

OFFICER: So, before I could write out a ticket

for parking in front of a hydrant,

somehow he shucked off his clothes,

which is another violation.

Then he ducked behind the car. So, in pursuant to my duty,

I pursued him around the car and apprehended him

on the third time around.

Then I locked him up, Your Honor.

All right, Mr. Stephens, what do you have to say?

Your Honor, I don't like to contradict an officer of the law

who is pursuing his duty, but--

How could I have been taken from my cell fully clothed

this morning, if I was in my shorts when I was locked up?

Was he locked up all night?

Well, yes, sir.

But he had his clothes on this morning

when he was taken out.

Doesn't that seem a little strange to you?

Well now that you mention it, yeah, Your Honor.

But he was in his underwear when he was locked up.

I've got a witness.

Well, who's your witness?

Montague, come on up here.

'Morning, Judge Crosetti.

How's the wife and kids?

Montague was in the cell with him all night, Your Honor.

Is that true, Mr. Stephens?

Yes, Your Honor.

It's all right, Montague.

Go ahead. Tell the judge everything.

Don't hold anything back.

All right.

How was the defendant clothed?

Judge, you should've been in that cell.

Never mind the wishful thinking.

How was the defendant clothed?

Well, first he had on these fancy tights and a big sword

like Richard Burton.

He can cut quite a figure.

MONTAGUE: And then,

then he had on a suit of armor like a knight.

Only he didn't bring his horse.

You forgot his horse.

[MOUTHING]

And he clanked around for a while.

All right, Montague, I think I got the picture.

Just tell me one thing more.

Where did he get the clothes that he's got on now?

A beautiful girl appeared in the cell

with some clothes on a hanger and she just gave them to him.

This is your only witness?

Yes, Your Honor.

I see.

You're dismissed, Mr. Stephens.

Thank you, Your Honor.

And you too, Montague.

Thank you, Judge.

Be seeing you.

Officer, I'd like to speak to you a minute.

Judge! That's her!

That's the girl!

Out!

Judge--

Out! Out!

Aunt Clara won't be here when you come home this evening,

so she wanted to say goodbye.

Well, goodbye, Aunt Clara.

Oh, oh, not goodbye, dear, no.

Au revoir,

adieu,

ta-ta.

Oh, I hope my little visit hasn't caused any trouble.

Oh, no.

No, not at all.

Oh, good.

Well, it's time for takeoff.

And everything is A-okay.

"A-okay"?

Mmm-hmm. Yes, I like to keep up with the times, dear.

Well, countdown:

Five, four, three,

two, one,

blast off!

Oh, nuts.

Will you give me a little boost, dear?

Yes, certainly.

Take a deep breath.

Three, two, one,

poof!

CLARA: Thank you, dear. Ta-ta.

Oh, anytime.

Sam, you can't go on like this.

Well--

[DOORBELL RINGS]

That'll be Larry.

What are you going to tell him?

I'll simply tell him if he's decided to fire me,

that I've decided to quit.

Hello, Samantha. Hi, Larry.

Well, let's go Darrin.

I have something very important to talk over with you.

Larry, why don't you say it here and get it over with.

Say what?

The Barlow affair, what else?

Oh, yes.

He told me some weird story

about you being in your underwear and being chased by a policeman.

And there was something about fire hydrants and, uh,

traffic tickets.

It was wild.

You know what I think?

What?

I think he's a king-size bore.

And I've decided that our office

isn't interested in handling his account.

Oh, good.

Well, who needs a nut like that?

Give me nice, ordinary human beings like you two.

You know, the Barlows of this world can get you into trouble.

You could even wind up in jail.

Let's go, Darrin.

I'll see you tonight, honey.

Ta-ta.

So long.

Good.

[♪♪♪]