Original subtitles

Well, I certainly appreciate your letting me stay here.

I'll try not to be too much bother.

We're glad to have you, Adam.

It'll be like old times.

Not quite, Darrin.

The food we had in the Army was never like this.

Why, thank you.

You can stay as long as you like.

Well, actually, it won't be more than a couple of days.

I have an appointment for a job tomorrow, and if I land it,

I'll be looking around for a place of my own.

Adam, what made you decide to change jobs and come out here?

Well, frankly, Darrin, I don't know.

One afternoon, I suddenly had this overwhelming urge

to come here.

Handed in my resignation right there and then.

It's kind of funny, though.

I really was fairly settled in Salem.

Salem?

You're from Salem?

You know it?

Only by reputation.

Well, my family has lived there for 300 years.

You know, this is really very good.

Now, how did that happen?

My goodness!

Here, don't worry about it. Here, let me do that.

I'm awfully sorry.

Oh, that's all right.

Adam, try the wine. It's really very good.

Uh, to Company D.

Oh, yessiree. I'll drink to that.

I'm sorry. I don't know what's the matter with me.

Here, here, mop it up with this.

I'm not usually so uncoordinated.

That's perfectly all right. No harm done.

I'm sorry.

I'll get you some fresh wine.

Thank you.

Are you all right, Adam?

Oh, well, I-- I think so.

All right, now, uh, you just relax.

I'll, uh-- I'll go and get the main course.

It's so strange.

I'll help you.

Now, look, Sam, just because Adam happens to come from Salem

is no reason to victimize him.

Darrin, I didn't have anything to do with those accidents.

You didn't?

No.

Oh.

Endora? Endora, where are you?!

Shh! Mother's in the South of France.

Really? Mm-hmm.

Well, I guess Adam's just one of those people

who's accident-prone.

ADAM: Help! Help!

Adam...what happened?

I know this doesn't make sense,

but the salad attacked me!

[♪♪♪]

[LOUD THUMPING]

Aunt Clara?

Aunt Clara?

[RUSTLING]

Well, I've heard of coming in on a wing and a prayer, but...

Oh, really, this is ridiculous!

Now, where, where, oh, where, oh, where is the young man

that you're so worried about?

Oh, uh, Adam Newlarkin.

He's gone to his interview.

Oh, Aunt Clara, it's getting worse.

It's getting worse.

Last night, he fell out of bed three times.

And this morning when he was shaving,

he cut his toe.

He cut his toe? Mm-hm.

He dropped his electric razor on it.

Now, I hope I'm wrong, but he has all the symptoms,

so I thought we'd better check.

Yes, well-- Well, let us see, now.

Uh, um, uh, what's his name?

Newlarkin.

Adam Newlarkin.

Oh.

Yes.

Yes. Mm-hmm. He has a spell on him, all right.

Oh, Aunt Clara, are you sure?

Oh, yes. He's right here on the list of spellees.

Right between the New York Mets and Richard Nixon.

Well-- Oh, evidently one of his ancestors,

also named Adam Newlarkin, was a judge in Salem.

He sentenced a witch named Zorelda to some terrible things

that included being dunked three times in the local pond.

What's the spell?

Oh.

It's, uh, oh, oh--

Oooh! Uh-oh.

Oh.

Oh, this is terrible. Look.

Whew!

That's a lulu, isn't it?

Tsk, tsk. Poor Adam.

Oooh.

It's no good shaking your head, Darrin.

Tomorrow, Adam will be exactly the same age as the judge

when he sentenced Zorelda.

Oh, Sam--

Believe me, believe me, that spell will take effect

by 5 p.m. tomorrow.

It's all here in red and white.

Just because it's written in some crazy--

Red and white?!

It's thicker than ink.

Sam, let me see-- Let me see it.

What it boils down to

is that by 5 p.m. tomorrow afternoon,

Adam is gonna steal a large sum of money

and be branded a common thief.

Sam, that's ridiculous.

Adam is one of the most honest men I know.

Besides, he doesn't even come in contact with actual money.

ADAM: Hi, everybody.

Well, congratulations are in order.

I got a job.

Well, good. At the Peterson Company?

Uh, no. That one fell through.

Uh, where, then?

At a bank.

DARRIN: A bank?

How did you happen to get a job there?

Well, Darrin, I suddenly found myself running out of money,

so I went to a bank.

I started talking to the bank manager,

and he told me they needed an accountant.

I suppose you'd call it fate.

Is that what you'd call it, Darrin?

Well, I start tomorrow morning.

I'd better go upstairs and wash up before dinner, huh?

Uh, uh, Adam. Um, I don't understand.

You never worked at a bank before.

Well, I know.

But I thought it might be fun to handle all that money.

Convinced?

What can we do about it?

Aunt Clara has gone home to try and see

if she can find a book of antidotes.

We'll just have to put all our confidence in her.

[LOUD SMASH]

Oh, dear!

This all has to be done within a 12-hour period.

Well, here we go:

"Must kiss a spotted dog On the snout

"Then the spell Will be partly out

"Must be dunked in the water One times three

"But part of the spell Still clings to thee

"The spell will be over When, like Paul Revere

"He rides through The marketplace yelling

"'Witches are good Witches are dear!'"

Well, it won't win any prizes for poetry,

but it'll do the job, I think.

Sam, I've heard and seen some strange things

since we've been married, but this is the wildest.

That's right out of the Middle Ages.

Uh, do we really have to make Adam do all that?

Darling, we can't risk not making him do it.

Nobody is going to kiss a spotted dog on the snout

and be dunked in the water of his own free will.

Well, I guess we're just going to have to do it the hard way.

Morning, Darrin.

Oh.

Hey, where'd the dog come from?

He belongs to a neighbor.

Hey, he likes you, Adam.

Yeah, I guess he does, doesn't he?

Hiya, fella.

Why don't you kiss him?

What?

Give him a little kiss on the snout.

No kiddin'. He really likes that.

Well, I, uh...

I think I'll take a rain check on that, Darrin.

Good morning, Adam.

Well, morning, Samantha. Time to eat?

Not until you kiss the spotted dog.

It's sort of a tradition.

We do it every morning for luck.

Before breakfast?

Why, certainly.

It's your turn first this morning, isn't it, darling?

Uh, yes, sweetheart.

Now you can eat breakfast.

And now I can eat breakfast.

[MYSTICAL CHIMING]

What was that?

What was what?

I heard music.

Oh. Uh... That-- That was the toaster.

We have a musical toaster.

Oh.

Thank you.

Uh, Adam.

How would you like to have lunch with me today?

Oh, well, Darrin, thanks,

but it's my first day at the bank.

All the more reason to celebrate, right, darling?

Right. I insist.

Well, uh, all right. Where shall we meet?

At the Inn on the Terrace.

You eat outside.

I know you'll like the place.

Great food.

And it has a beautiful swimming pool.

Darrin!

Adam.

How's the job going?

Oh, fine, fine. Which is our table?

Uh, a beautiful pool, isn't it?

Yeah, I guess it is.

Darrin, I don't have very much time.

Adam, uh, what's that written on the bottom of the pool?

Written on the bott--? I don't know.

Right there.

Well, I don't see anything on the bottom of the pool.

Hey, you got--? It's way, way, way down there.

See? I don't see anything.

That little green thing.

Are you all right? You must have slipped.

I felt something push me.

Well, uh, uh, I don't see anything.

Well, help me out, will you, Darrin?

Yeah. Thanks.

Good. There we are.

I'll get you-- I'll get you a towel.

Waiter!

I don't think that's funny.

Well, I couldn't help it, Adam. I just couldn't hold you.

You deliberately let me go.

No, I--

Yes, you did.

And before that, you pushed me.

No, I just couldn't hold you, Adam.

Yes, you did.

And I'll tell you one other thing,

there is no writing at the bottom of that pool.

I swear, there's something down there--

[♪♪♪]

Sam, we're one dunking short.

And I don't see how I can manage it.

Where is he now?

He's changing.

I hope you're right about this, because I feel like an idiot.

Darrin, we have to get him wet once more.

Well, I don't know how I can swing it.

I don't think I can get him to go near the water,

much less push him--

Uh, uh, that button next to the thing, honey.

I'm sure it'll work.

Uh, I gotta go now.

Um, I got a spare suit from the manager.

Hmm. Well, it wasn't exactly from Saville Row.

Adam, your lunch.

Thanks.

I guess you're pretty sore, huh?

Darrin, can I ask you a question?

Well, fire away.

How long have you been going around kissing dogs' noses

and pushing people into swimming pools?

I mean, what kind of a practical joker have you become anyway?

I wish I could be there to help Darrin.

But Adam knows me.

I don't understand, dear.

Well, after being pushed in the pool twice by Darrin,

Adam is not likely to get near the water with me.

Could I lend a helping hand?

Yes.

Yes, Aunt Clara, I think you can.

Think you can manage it?

Relax, dear.

I'll take care of everything.

Concentrate, Clara.

Concentrate.

Adam, I said I'm sorry. What else can I say?

All right, all right. Let's just forget it.

I just don't want to go into that pool again.

[SOFT CLATTERING]

Um...

Poor old lady over there seems to be having trouble.

What old lady? Oh.

Oh, well, I'll give her a hand.

I'll go with you.

No, no, no.

Stay there.

Uh, may I help you, madam?

Oh, thank you, young man.

Oh, here. Here, I'll get it.

Oh, here. Here.

Oh, yes.

This one--

Oh, no!

Oooh!

[MYSTICAL CHIMING]

Isn't that nice? They're playing his song.

We're into the home stretch, dear.

Yes, but I still don't see how we're gonna get him

to put on that Paul Revere costume

and ride through the town square by 5:00.

Oh, yes, now, don't you worry. Don't you worry.

Samantha, she'll-- She'll manage everything.

Where there's a witch, there's a way, you know.

[SNEEZES]

Oh, uh, excuse me, Mr. Harding.

How did you get that cold?

I know how. I-- I just wish I knew why.

Well, this is the season for them.

I'll be glad to get away to the sun for a couple of weeks.

Oh, you, uh--? You leaving tonight?

No, this afternoon.

Mr. Abercrombie's letting me go early,

so I can catch the 5:00 flight to Rio.

Now, is there any question about this procedure?

No, no. I think I...understand it.

But I feel fine.

Adam, Mrs. Stephens has told me

about your little mishap in the pool.

And she's very worried about that cold of yours.

But it's nothing. Now, look, Adam,

I realize you hesitate to ask for time off

on your first day at work,

and I appreciate your conscientiousness.

But I insist that you go home.

Mr. Ab--

Adam, that's an order.

It's nice to have seen you again, Mrs. Stephens.

Remember me to your husband.

I certainly will. Thank you.

Thank you, Mr. Ab--

Adam, I'm sorry I had to go over your head,

but it's for your own good.

Now, Samantha, I know you're going to be a mother,

but would you please practice on somebody else?

Adam, will you please hurry up?

All right, all right. I'm coming, I'm coming.

Oh, well, uh, goodbye, Mr. Harding.

Have a nice vacation.

The best I ever had.

You know, I've always wanted to go to Rio de Jan--

SAMANTHA: Adam!

Excuse me.

Well, what is this all about?

We're all going to a costume party.

At 4:30 in the afternoon?

We're, uh, going for dinner.

Your Paul Revere costume is on your bed upstairs.

And your horse is outside.

My horse?

What horse?

[NEIGHS]

We thought it'd be kind of fun for you to ride over.

Well, you'd better hurry up, we haven't got much--

Now, wait a minute! Wait just a darn minute!

I want to--

I recognize that lady.

I'm Whistler's Mother.

Whistler's Mo--?

Look, I want to know what all this is about.

What all this what is about?

I get up this morning, you make me kiss

a spotted dog on the nose.

Okay, some people have quirks, so I went along with it.

But then I was pushed into a swimming pool

with all my clothes on--

Adam-- No, no, no, let me finish.

I was pushed twice by you

and once by Whistler's Mother.

And then, I am dragged out of my office

and told to get into a Paul Revere costume

and to get on a horse.

Now, I'm not going to move from this spot

until I know why.

Adam, I promise I will explain it all to you tonight.

Right now, you just do as we say.

Why?!

Because if you don't,

you'll be branded as a common thief.

What for?

For stealing money from the bank.

I feel like I've just stepped through the looking glass.

I know it's hard to understand, but it's true.

Okay.

Okay, so I stole some money.

Well, where is it? Hmm?

Is it in my suit?

Is it under my hat?

Is it in my briefcase?

Now will you believe us?

Well, this-- This isn't my briefcase.

I-- I must have picked up the wrong one.

I have to get it back.

No, no, no, Adam.

I-- I'm sorry, but it's too late.

You're gonna have to do it our way.

Your way?!

Yes, go upstairs, put on the costume,

get out there, get on that horse,

ride through the marketplace yelling,

"Witches are good Witches are dear."

What?!

Witches are good Witches are dear!

Oh, Darrin, I'm afraid we're gonna have to tell him.

Tell me what?!

Well, we've tried everything else.

Tell me what?

Adam, you're bewitched.

And you only have 10 minutes to get un-bewitched.

You see, it's like this. One of your ancestors,

Judge Adam Newlarkin, sentenced the witch Zorelda

to be dunked in a pond three times.

And she put a spell on him.

Two months later, he robbed a bank.

Now, Aunt Clara has a book

that has all that information in it.

Now, it's lucky for you she also knows the antidote.

Now, that's why we had you kiss the spotted dog on the snout,

uh, snoot, uh, nose.

SAMANTHA: And that's why we pushed you into the pool,

because you had to be dunked three times.

And that's why we want you to go upstairs

and put on that Paul Revere costume

and get on the horse that's tethered--

Well, it's the only way.

And-- Adam? Adam, where are you going?

I want to get into my Paul Revere costume.

Uh, you mean you believe us?

Of course I believe you. I'm from Salem.

I hope he's a good rider.

He only has nine minutes to make it to the shopping plaza.

Oh.

Normally, lieutenant, we wouldn't have discovered

the loss until Monday, but, by some strange chance,

Miss Thompson decided to run a--

Well, I won't go into details.

The money is missing.

Now, what do we do?

Well, first we'll run a routine check on all the employees.

Their homes, so forth. Then we'll--

[HOOVES GALLOPING]

ADAM: Witches are good witches are dear!

Witches are good Witches are dear!

Witches are good Witches are dear!

Witches are good Witches are dear!

Witches are good Witches are dear!

Witches are good Witches are dear!

I suggest we check his house first.

I'm sorry to keep you people from your party,

but it's absolutely necessary that we question Mr. Newlarkin.

Well, he should be here in a few minutes.

He went to the, uh, plaza for something.

Is this his briefcase?

Well, um...

Um...

Uh, well, I, uh...

[STAMMERS]

I'm sure Adam would be happy to open it for you

when he returns.

We don't have to wait for that.

[HORSE WHINNIES]

Well, here he is now.

I did it! I did it!

Was I in time?

[MYSTICAL CHIMING]

You were on time.

What was that music?

Uh, uh, the doorbell.

Newlarkin, I'd like to ask you a few questions.

[PHONE RINGS]

Oh, excuse me.

Hello?

Uh, uh, it's for you.

Lieutenant Pearson.

Oh?

Oh, I see.

Well, thank you.

One of my men from the airport.

They picked up an Albert Harding.

He had $75,000 in his briefcase.

Harding?

But he's been with us for 20 years.

Well, it's the same old story.

Boarding a plane to Rio.

Oh, uh, I... I apologize for the intrusion.

I'll see you on Monday, Adam.

Uh, yes, sir.

Have a nice party, everybody.

Goodbye.

Heh. Empty.

You know, it's a funny thing.

Ever since I was a little kid,

my grandmother has been telling me

all sorts of stories about witches.

But I was always too embarrassed

to ever admit that I believed in them, you know?

[BOTH LAUGH]

Uh, I never would have thought

that you'd go in for that sort of thing, Darrin.

Well, are you kidding?

Well, some of my best friends are witches.

Aunt Clara, Adam was curious about why you, uh,

collect doorknobs.

Oh, that's easy.

Because they're there.

Yeah.

Honey, how about some coffee?

Sam?

Sam? Hmm?

Oh!

I'm sorry, sweetheart, I didn't hear you.

Well, that book of spellees must be pretty interesting.

Well, it ought to be.

It was banned in Boston.

Have you got to Darrin's name yet?

Oh.

My name?

Uh, uh, my name is in there?

Now, just a minute--

Uh-huh, yes, here is it. Right there.

See?

Oh, well, what does it say?

It says you're going to marry a witch

and live happily ever after.

Does it really say that?

No.

But it's true.

I'm a witch, and I know.

[♪♪♪]