Original subtitles

Samantha...

what did you say the name of this establishment is?

Mario's.

Mario's.

I'm amazed.

This is the best Italian food I've had this century.

It is good.

Mmm.

Just taste this veal marsala.

Only on the condition that you taste the fettuccini.

It's a deal!

Mother.

Mmm!

Delicious!

Mmm.

Superb.

Ladies, excuse me. I would like to know.

Everything satisfactory?

It certainly is.

Please pay our compliments to the chef.

Thank you.

You're the chef?

I am Mario's chef, Mario's waiter,

Mario's cashier, Mario's everything.

To make a long story short, I am Mario.

Why don't you have hired help?

Signora, you see, business is so terrible,

I am the only one I can afford.

You mean, with such superb food

at such reasonable prices...

I will put it in one word.

Hmm?

Pizza.

Pizza?

Si. Pizza.

You see... Excuse me.

In the confusion of this atomic age,

people who are not Italian,

and they want to order Italian food,

they don't order veal scaloppini,

fettuccini a la Bolognese.

No!

They want pizza!

But it isn't even on your menu.

It's not going to be. Oh, no!

I belong to a family of men who have been

artists in the kitchen for five generations.

And I modestly belong to this glorious tradition.

So I refuse, I refuse to slap it in the face with pizza.

This makes sense, no?

Absolutely!

And it makes no difference.

Because my restaurant is going to fail.

My wife and children are going to starve.

And today's dessert is zabaglione.

I don't ordinarily feel sorry for human beings.

But I do feel sorry for him.

So do I.

I think I'll ask Darrin to help.

How?

Washing dishes?

Mario's isn't a success

because the public doesn't know about it.

Advertising is Darrin's business.

Informing the public is Darrin's stock in trade.

Hardly.

His stock in trade

is contributing to the delinquency of my daughter.

Mother?

What?

You're a tough woman.

You're a great witch, but you're a tough woman.

[♪♪♪]

Hi, honey.

Welcome home, my hero.

Your hero is pooped.

Routine overwork or special crisis?

Both.

We have an important new client for whom we're planning

a major saturation campaign, and he...

No. "No" what?

No, I won't bring my problems home.

I will leave them at the office

like the mature executive I wish I were.

Now, how did your day go?

Oh, just wonderfully.

Mother and I went to the most marvelous Italian restaurant

called Mario's... This guy's a real tiger.

Who?

Linton Baldwin.

It's a new account.

He goes through advertising agencies

like women go through new dresses.

I'm sorry. A restaurant called what?

Mario's. The food is superb.

Mother had veal marsala and I had...

In the past three weeks, he's changed agencies twice.

Darrin. Hmm?

You're not exactly leaving your problems at the office.

I'm sorry, sweetheart.

It's on my mind. I just can't shake it.

Don't fight it.

You tell me about Mr. Baldwin and I'll tell you about Mario's.

Okay? Okay.

Linton Baldwin is the shining light of the pizza industry.

No kidding? No kidding.

He owns the largest chain of pizza parlors on the West Coast.

And now he's expanding to the East Coast.

He wants McMann and Tate to get him off the ground

with flying tomato paste.

Darrin, you have no idea what a coincidence this is.

Mario was saying that pizza's putting him out of business.

Why?

Well, in this atomic age when non-Italians...

Honey, take a look at this newspaper ad.

It runs in tomorrow morning's paper.

Uh-huh.

Tell me what you think.

"Perfect Pizza"? That's the name of the product.

Darrin, would you consider a pizza parlor a restaurant?

I guess so.

Well, sure. Why?

Well, obviously you believe a good way to inform the public

that a restaurant exists

is by taking out an ad in the newspaper, right?

Right. Oh.

Sweetheart, I'm going to drown my sorrows in a hot shower.

Thank you for being so sympathetic and patient.

Anytime.

[SIGHS]

Now...

let me see.

"For the finest in Italian cuisine, eat at Mario's."

"Treat your taste buds to lunch or dinner at Mario's."

No. Keep it simple.

"Eat at Mario's."

That's it!

"Eat at Mario's."

[GEARS SCREECH]

[WHISTLING]

Good morning, sweetheart.

Now, let's see how my ad looks in print.

Ah, here we are.

One-quarter page of advertising genius.

Gorgeous!

Now eat your breakfast.

It's not bad.

Not bad at all.

That's a full-page ad.

Mm-hmm.

A full-page ad for an individual restaurant.

Mm-hmm.

Whoever took that out must be nuts.

Why do you say that?

Do you know how much a full-page ad costs?

No. How much?

It costs...

Yes, dear?

Sam, isn't Mario's the place you ate yesterday?

Yes.

Sam, you didn't by any chance...?

Sam?

You didn't...

put an extra page in the newspaper, did you?

Sam!

Well...

Sam, you promised never to do that again.

He's such a nice man.

I only wanted to help.

When is this going to end?

I was only trying to inform the public that Mario's exists.

And in case you were wondering,

a full-page ad my way doesn't cost a nickel.

I wasn't wondering.

Darrin, are you upset?

Of course I'm upset!

Because my ad's bigger than your ad?

Guess again.

Because you think

that taking out an ad by witchcraft is cheating.

That's closer.

Because I think taking out an ad by witchcraft is criminal!

Crimi...?

But why?

I didn't replace a page, I only added one.

Whom did I hurt?

Whom did you hurt, she asks.

You hurt the publisher

who offers advertising space to make money.

You also hurt the other advertisers

who resent paying for something that somebody else gets free.

You also hurt the United States of America,

a democracy whose economic system is called capitalism.

Oh. Well, those are good points. I should've thought of them.

Well, why didn't you?

I was so anxious to help Mario get some customers.

His food really is wonderful.

He deserves to be a success!

I promise I won't do anything like that again.

Good.

Am I forgiven?

I guess so.

I like your motives.

But I don't like you drumming up business

for one of Perfect Pizza's competitors.

Mario doesn't serve pizza.

Well, I'm glad to hear that.

Then maybe your husband's client won't be jealous.

Good.

I hope.

How come Perfect Pizza gets a quarter page,

and Mario's restaurant, of which I never even heard of,

gets a full page?

Mr. Baldwin, taking out a full page for a single restaurant

is poor advertising.

We at McMann and Tate don't put all our eggs in one basket.

We diversify.

I'm not selling eggs.

I'm selling 21 delicious varieties of pizza.

We appreciate that.

But nevertheless... Okay, forget it.

I just wanna make it clear

I don't enjoy playing second fiddle.

With me, selling pizza is more than a way

of being a multimillionaire.

It's a public service.

A public service?

As a small boy in Modesto, California, I had a dream.

A dream of American families,

men, women and children, sitting together, eating pizza.

Nobody sulking about not getting the kind they like,

because they chose from 21 varieties.

Just having a hot nutritional meal and being together.

That's a... an interesting dream.

I guarantee you that if every American family went out

for pizza only twice a week,

the national crime and unemployment rates...

[SNAPS FINGERS]

would disappear. Am I right or am I right?

Well, uh...

The irony is that I can't seem to find an advertising agency

who can put that message across.

Er, uh, Mr. Baldwin,

it's almost time for your show. What show?

Phase two of McMann and Tate's saturation campaign.

You're the new sponsor of a local TV game show.

Well, now you're talking!

I'll just warm up the set.

Good morning, dear.

Good morning, mother.

I just saw your advertisement for Mario.

You did?

I must tell you I wasn't very impressed.

Why not?

Ehhh, it's too mundane.

Eat at Mario's. 126 Adams street.

Why, it wasn't even on the front page.

Now, you should be more creative.

I thought it was rather good.

Where are you going?

To turn on the television set.

At 10:30 in the morning?

Oh, Samantha!

You're becoming the typical suburban housewife.

Thank you.

Darrin asked me to watch one of his commercials.

[GROANS]

[RAMBUNCTIOUS THEME PLAYING]

Good morning, game lovers.

It's time to play Your Guess is as Good as Mine,

brought to you by Perfect Pizza.

That's Darrin's account.

It is?

There's a Perfect Pizza parlor near you.

Eat it there or take it home.

The quality of the 21 varieties of Perfect Pizza

is perfect.

Cute!

However, if you hate pizza, as many people do,

try the utterly divine veal marsala at Mario's,

126 Adams Street.

Now let's introduce our first guest.

Mother!

Why did you do that?

To help Mario.

And to show you what I meant by being creative.

I demand to know what a plug for Mario's restaurant

is doing on a program sponsored by Perfect Pizza!

M-Mr. Baldwin, I-I-I have no idea.

TATE: It must be some kind of payola.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

No calls.

We'll conduct an investigation.

You do that, while I conduct a series of lawsuits.

Lawsuits?

I'm gonna sue that TV station.

I'm gonna sue that wise-guy announcer,

and I'm gonna sue McMann and Tate!

Mr. Baldwin, you gotta give us a chance to get to the...

You had your chance and you flubbed the dub.

I'm canceling my account.

Effective immediately, as of now.

You know who I'm signing with?

No. Who?

The advertising agency who handles Mario's restaurant.

Mr. Baldwin, wait.

Let's not be hasty.

Alice, get me my wife.

She is?

Put her on.

Samantha, why did you do it? You promised me.

Darrin, I didn't do it.

Mother did it.

Tattletale.

Don't be silly, darling.

What good would it do to kill her?

I'd come right back and haunt him.

Will you please be quiet?

He's canceling his account?

He wants to sign with who?

But there isn't any!

Darrin, how can he sign...

[LINE CLICKS]

Darrin?

Dar...

He hung up on me.

There, you see?

He's no true gentleman.

Mother?

Yes, dear?

Congratulations.

You have just won a new client.

And I have just lost an old husband.

Ohhh.

Oh, poor baby.

Oh, don't worry.

Mother will make everything all right.

How?

We'll make Mr. Pizza change his mind.

His name is Baldwin,

and I have no idea what he looks like or where to find him.

Wanna bet he's at Mario's?

In search of revenge?

In search of the name of Mario's advertising agency.

Would you like to drop over and look?

Let's. I'll go upstairs and change.

We haven't time. We'll change on the way.

Fine. Ready?

After you.

That's my gal!

Mister, please, I-I have no time to chitchat.

I have 36 reservations for lunch.

In other words, your advertising campaign is really paying off.

How many times I have to tell you?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Come on, Mario, be a sport.

All I want is the name of your advertising agency.

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

I'm a one-man operation!

You mean, you placed the ad and the commercial yourself?

I don't place nothing!

Well, then how'd they get there?

I plead the fifth amendment.

Look, Mario,

I don't blame you for not wanting to share

a live-wire organization...

when there are so many deadbeats like McMann and Tate.

Look, I'll make you a proposition.

You give me their name,

and I'll amalgamate you into my chain.

What chain?

"Linton H. Baldwin.

"Chairman of the board.

Perfect Pizza Parlor."

Yeah.

Why'd you do that?

Why? Because I don't wanna be amalga...

[STAMMERING]

Mixed up with this pizza business.

Not even for one million dollars.

Why not? Why not?

Because it's... It's an insult to humanity.

Now, see here, buddy, see here!

As a small boy in Modesto, California...

Now that I discover that you are in the pizza,

I order you to leave the premises.

[BOTH CLAPPING]

Wh...?

Who applauded?

I don't know.

Maybe somebody up there likes me.

Are you implying that pizza is atheistic?

I am implying once more for you to leave my premises.

If it wasn't beneath my dignity,

I'd sue you for public obscenity.

Oh...

[MUTTERING IN ITALIAN]

Well, we found him.

Now what do we do to get him back with McMann and Tate?

Well, we'll do the same thing we did for Mario.

We'll advertise. Oh?

We'll take turns.

You're on. Me?

Yes.

Very nice!

Your turn.

Let's see.

Sandwich signs.

Billboards.

I think I'll try skywriting.

Baldwin said he would.

He did.

He did what?

Signed with the agency that handles Mario's restaurant.

Come look.

[PLANE BUZZING]

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess he did.

[BELLS JINGLING]

Well, what'll it be, little girl?

I want a Perfect Pizza.

Sorry, no pizza.

Just plain old ice cream.

If I can't have a Perfect Pizza, I don't want anything.

What'll it be, sonny?

I want a Perfect Pizza.

No pizza.

Only ice cream.

If I can't have a Perfect Pizza, I don't want anything.

Shades of Modesto, California.

[DOG BARKING]

I want Perfect Pizza...

too.

Pardon me, ladies.

Did you hear that dog say, "I want Perfect Pizza too"?

Yes, we did.

A talking dog!

It must be some publicity stunt.

Probably arranged by that live-wire advertising agency,

McMann and Tate.

You know McMann and Tate?

Doesn't everyone?

Well, they're the best in the business.

Whoever owns Perfect Pizza is lucky to be their client.

Shall we go, dear?

Yes, mother.

And let's drop into our nearest Perfect Pizza Parlor

and lay in a six-month supply for our family freezer.

Darrin, you know why I never like to lose an account?

I think so.

Lower profits?

No.

Because I can't stand to feel rejected.

I learned that in my analysis.

I didn't know you were analyzed, Larry.

Seven years.

When the doctor told me not to come back because I was cured...

I felt rejected.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Yes?

Yes, Mr. Tate's here. Who's calling?

Uh, just a second.

[WHISPERS] Linton H. Baldwin.

[EXHALES]

Tate speaking.

On second thought, I decided not to switch agencies in midstream

and to stay with you.

[WHISPERS] He wants us back.

May I ask what prompted you to change your mind?

The sandwich signs?

A... A billboard?

The skywriting, I saw.

Two kids in the park?

And a talking dog?

Mr. Baldwin, I...

You'll sign a one-year contract.

Uh... hold on.

Mr. Stephens, have we replaced the Perfect Pizza account

or can we still handle it?

I'll take a look, Mr. Tate.

No, I think we can handle it.

Oh, good.

Mr. Baldwin, you're in luck.

It's a deal.

You're welcome.

We're not rejected.

Hey, mack, how about a balloon for the kiddies?

No, thanks.

If I can't have Perfect Pizza, I don't want anything.

[MOUTHS] Perfect Pizza.

Hi.

I was just passing by,

so I thought I'd drop in and say hello.

Hello!

Hello.

Hello.

Darrin, what do you know about that skywriting

and the sandwich signs and a billboard

and two kids in the park and a talking dog?

They're all part of Darrin's campaign for Perfect Pizza.

They are?

Oh. Didn't you tell him?

I was saving it for a surprise.

I didn't wanna get your hopes up in case it didn't work out.

Well done!

My, you certainly are a creative executive.

I hope you appreciate him.

I do! I do!

You son of a gun.

[MOUTHS]

MARIO: Let me suggest veal scaloppini with mushrooms.

For the children, we have spaghetti or ravioli.

What would you like?

Mrs. Allen?

Come with me please.

Oh! I'm flattered to be included in your celebration, Daniel.

Darrin.

Well, I'm delighted to include you.

Sam tells me it was all your idea.

Maybe it will be the start of a beautiful friendship.

Maybe it will.

And I'm deeply grateful.

Although in the future,

I would appreciate you letting me handle

my campaigns by myself.

Do you think you can?

Of course, he can.

Except in special circumstances, he needs no help from anyone.

Table for three?

Please. Your name, please?

Stephens.

Do you have a reservation?

No, I'm afraid I don't.

Well, I'm sorry. Without a reservation,

there'll be a 40-minute wait.

My two customers from before I am successful, eh?

I remember! How you like, eh?

Luigi, sit down the ladies and the gentleman.

But they have no reservation.

Luigi, I always reserve a table for old friends.

This way please. This way.

My, my!

Another special circumstance.

It's all right, sweetheart.

[♪♪♪]