Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

Darrin?

Hmm?

Better hurry up and change, sweetheart.

We haven't got much time.

Changed? What for?

We're having dinner at the club, remember?

Oh, I forgot completely.

Would you rather not go?

Oh, no, honey, I'll be fine.

Just let me...

Just let me rest here for a few minutes.

Darrin, maybe you'd like a cup of coffee.

Or perhaps you'd prefer a drink.

[SNORING]

Darrin?

Oh, what a lovely-looking couple,

except for him.

Does his mouth always gape open like that?

Only when he's sleeping.

Oh, Samantha.

I don't understand you at all.

I mean, if you had to marry a mortal,

at least you could've chosen a better-looking specimen.

I like the way he looks.

Besides, I didn't marry Darrin just for his looks.

What else, his vivacious personality?

No one sparkles when they're asleep.

Anyway, I think he's quite handsome.

You're joking.

He's got very good features.

Name one.

Well, he has a nice firm jaw.

You like lantern jaws?

He's got a nice mouth.

"Slack" is a better word.

How about his eyes?

Beady.

But don't despair, dear. He could be fixed up.

Fixed up?

Yes, it's all very simple.

Now, take that dank, straight hair.

All it needs is...

Well, I'll show you.

Ew. I don't like that at all.

I haven't finished yet.

He needs coordinating.

Now, if we just straightened out his nose...

Mother, you've gone far enough.

Oh, don't be stuffy, Samantha.

What do you think he'd look like with a mustache?

Oh, no.

That wouldn't be right at all.

Just a little one.

Wait, let me show you.

How do you like it?

On him, it looks good.

His hair's too curly.

Oh...

[PERCOLATOR BUBBLING]

Ooh, the coffee.

What?

Now, don't you do anything till I get back.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, Mother, will you answer that?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Yeah.

Is Mr. Stephens at ho...?

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMING]

[♪♪♪]

That was Gladys Kravitz.

Sometimes I think that woman's a little strange.

Oh!

Samantha!

[GASPS]

Darrin!

Samantha!

It's all right, darling.

There's no need to...

My face! What happened to my face?

Please stay calm.

It was just a little experiment.

An experiment?

Well, it got a little out of hand.

Now, darling, there's nothing to worry about.

I want my old face back!

I want my old face back! I want my old face back!

Of course you do.

Oh, well, there you are, sweetheart.

Good as old.

Just a little play on words.

Is anything wrong?

Wrong.

Well, it's all there, isn't it?

Samantha, why did you do that?

I suppose you do deserve an explanation.

Well, it's rather difficult to explain.

Try.

Well, you were asleep,

and Mother and I were looking at you,

and, well, we got to talking about your looks and all.

Well... Well, you know.

Go on.

Well, Mother got sort of carried away...

and gave you a long nose and curly hair

and a mustache, and...

Well, we were just killing time.

Oh, sure, it beats jigsaw puzzles all to heck!

Ooh. Darrin...

Darrin.

Naturally, we were gonna change you back

before you woke up.

Darrin, are you mad at me?

No, that's not the word.

Furious?

You're getting warmer.

Darrin, please try not to be upset.

I'm sorry, Sam.

I've sort of grown accustomed to my face.

I thought you had too.

Darrin?

Uh, yes?

These are the layouts for the Harper campaign.

I'd like to get your reactions

as soon as possible.

Sure. Sure, Larry.

Oh, Darrin, I forgot to mention...

Something in my eye.

Want me to take a look?

No, no. It's out.

You were saying, Larry?

Oh, yes.

Well, it has to do with the magazine copy.

Mr. Harper seems to...

Mr. Harper seems to have some doubts

about using a lady wrestler

to sell their products.

Darrin.

[SNAPS FINGERS]

Darrin?

Oh, yes. Go ahead, Larry.

Something bothering you?

Larry, do you think I'm attractive?

What?

I mean, how would you describe the way I look?

My physical appearance.

Are you kidding?

No. How?

Darrin, I've never really thought about it

one way or another.

Never mind that, Larry.

Just give me your honest opinion of how you think I look.

Well...

you're not the best-looking guy in the world.

You're not even

the best-looking guy in the room.

But you're presentable, I guess.

I guess you're the wrong person to ask.

I probably am, Darrin.

After all, you're my friend.

You're bound to be biased.

I don't know, Dave.

She says she loves me.

Then why did she change my face?

Of course, it's the first year

that's rough. Rough, rough.

I'm a bachelor, but I know.

The nose, maybe.

But the whole face?

Two people, a 50-50 proposition,

give and take, share and share alike,

it's the only way.

I mean, I fell asleep, and she changed everything.

It's the little things that count.

Candies, flowers, a new dress maybe.

My mother always said my hair was my best feature.

Take my aunt and uncle, a mixed marriage.

He's good, and she's rotten.

But they stay together.

Fifty years, but they've stuck it out.

They hate each other.

Now, that's love.

Sixteen hours a day I've been working,

and that's the thanks I get.

You're more than welcome, Darrin.

Hey, I got an appointment.

Well, glad I could help.

Mind you, my mother-in-law did most of it,

but Sam assisted her.

She even made suggestions.

Normally, I wouldn't have thought of it,

but I figured at least I should ask.

Go see this man.

Dr. McLeash, he's a plastic surgeon.

Psychiatrist.

Joe...

has your wife ever tried to change your face?

Twice. Once with a rolling pin and once with a seven-iron.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Oh, hello, Larry.

Acting funny?

What do you mean?

Well...

Sort of depressed.

Then today he began feeling his nose.

Feeling his nose?

You mean...?

His secretary noticed it too.

How do you know that?

Well, she came up to me and said,

"Why does Mr. Stephens keep feeling his nose?"

Then he asked me if I thought he was attractive.

And you know the worst part of it, Sam?

He wasn't kidding.

Well, Larry, thank you for your concern.

I'll see what I can do.

Oh, dear.

Something wrong with Derek's nose?

Absolutely nothing.

But we've made him feel drab and ordinary.

Well, let's not take all the blame.

Mirrors must've had something to do with it.

Mother.

I wish I could make him believe

you not only love someone despite their faults

but sometimes because of them.

I love Darrin's nose.

Then tell him.

Don't you see,

it's no good coming from me.

Well, you may run into trouble

getting someone else to say it.

His ego needs building.

Someone, another woman,

has to tell him

that he's the most attractive man

in the world.

Darling, don't look at me.

I was thinking of me.

You?

Yes.

I'll simply change the packaging.

Voilà.

[IN FRENCH ACCENT] Do you think I am,

how you say it, glamorous?

Oh, Samantha.

I'm proud of you.

Why, you even changed your voice.

But why the accent?

Oh, Darrin is partial to Brigitte Bardot.

There's just one thing, though.

Don't you think your plan's a little dangerous?

Supposing What's-His-Name likes you too much.

Not Darrin.

I trust him completely.

Well, you said yourself, he's only human.

Hmm...

Maybe you are right.

[LAUGHING]

Well, nobody's perfect.

We'll see.

Beer, please.

What kind?

Any kind. They're all the same to me.

I just need something to quench my thirst.

Cheers.

Did you see that ball game today?

No, I didn't.

One of the greatest ball games I've ever...

Seen.

Real exciting.

[IN SLURRED SPEECH] Of course, for my money,

the Yankees got the best in the whole world.

What's the matter with you. Don't you like baseball?

Yes, I do.

Well, you just watch yourself, buster.

Baseball is...

America's national game.

And if you...

I don't feel so good.

Excuse me.

Pardon me, sir.

On one sip of beer?

Oh, I beg your pardon.

I'm sorry, I don't know how that happened.

Joe.

Do not concern yourself.

Could I get you something?

I'll have what you have.

Two, Joe.

Let me be honest.

I am glad it happened.

Glad?

I wanted to talk to you,

but I did not know how to commence.

Really?

Oh?

I am not long in this country.

And I did not know what is, how you say it, proper.

I see.

I live by impulse.

I see someone and I desire...

to talk to them,

to know them.

You understand?

I guess so.

Well, that could cause problems sometimes.

Sometimes, but life is for living, no?

No. I mean, yes.

I just look at you, and I know I like you.

How can you tell?

Faces with character attract me.

I would like to do your head.

I beg your pardon?

I am sculptress.

Your head, it excites me.

Put the drinks down, Joe.

I love your face.

It has strength...

individuality.

Ah, it is a face...

that has experienced...

love, sorrow...

life.

Yes?

I mean, yeah.

But mainly, it is a man's face.

It is a face that exudes...

how you say, sex appeal.

That's how we say it.

Put the drinks down, Joe.

I am very direct person.

I am sorry.

I have embarrassed you?

Oh, no, no. Not at all.

But you see, Miss...

Michelle.

Michelle, you're new around here.

You probably don't know too many people.

You're probably lonely.

Oh, no, no. I am not lonely.

I meet many men.

But how you say it?

Nothing.

Yeah, it's very dull.

Who wants just another pretty head?

I see.

My studio is quite near.

We go and get to know one another, yes?

The face is important, yes.

But more important, behind the face.

I'm very flattered, but I'm afraid I can't.

You have wife, no?

Yes.

But she does not understand you.

Why do say that?

You drink alone at bar.

Well, she understands me most of the time.

There is no room in your life for two women?

Answer her, Darrin.

No.

Why are you smiling?

Oh.

C'est la vie.

I envy your wife.

Bonjour, Monsieur.

Boy, your wife must be something really special.

She is, Joe.

She is.

Abner.

What is it now, Gladys?

There's a strange lady driving the Stephens' car.

She drove it into the garage.

When she comes out, you'll see.

All right, I'll see.

There she is!

Hi, Mrs. Kravitz.

Now she's at it!

At what?

Changing herself.

Abner, believe me,

there was a strange lady

driving their car.

There's only one strange lady around here, Gladys.

By the smug look on your face,

I take it the mission was successful.

Worked like a charm.

He wasn't even tempted by your offer?

Behaved beautifully.

He rejected me completely.

I wonder if I ought to act a little jealous when he tells me.

You really think he'll tell you

about his little encounter? Of course.

We have no secrets. Darrin tells me everything.

Wanna bet?

What sort of a day did you have, dear?

Oh, average.

This is very good.

Thank you.

Anything unusual happen?

You did something special to the meat.

I asked you if anything unusual happened today.

No.

Oh.

Come to think of it,

something unusual did happen.

I stopped in a bar to have a drink.

Yes?

This guy sat down next to me,

cold sober.

He took one sip of beer, and he was stoned.

Darnedest thing.

Anything else?

No.

Then I came home.

May I have some more water, please?

Thank you, dear.

C'est la vie.

Ellen, could you come in for a minute?

I have some letters to dictate.

Yes, sir.

Mr. Stephens, I'm Barbara Lucas.

I'll be filling in for Ellen this afternoon.

She went home at lunch.

Oh, is she sick?

Oh, it's just a virus.

Oh, that's funny.

She seemed fine this morning.

Well, those things can hit you just like that.

It's too bad.

Well, you know what the French say,

"C'est la vie."

MICHELLE: C'est la vie. Michelle. C'est la vie.

Something the matter, Mr. Stephens?

Nothing I can't handle, Barbara.

It is Barbara, isn't it?

Yes.

You... You ready?

I'm just waiting for you to get it off your chest.

I beg your pardon?

Go on, tell me.

Tell me how handsome I am.

How virile.

Build up my ego.

At least tell me how sexy I am.

I don't think I understand.

That's what you came here for, isn't it?

Mr. Stephens, I just came in to take dictation.

Sure, you did.

Oh, hi, Sam. Hi, Larry.

Darrin's better today.

I'm very pleased to hear it. Is he in conference?

No, he's just breaking in a new secretary.

Why don't you go in and see him.

Thank you.

What to do you want?

This.

[GASPS]

Darrin!

Sam!

I-I thought she was you.

I've heard of people like you.

You don't understand.

I thought you were my wife.

Boy, I've heard some excuses in my life,

but that tops them all.

Sam, I thought she was you.

Is that your only excuse?

Isn't that enough?

You should understand.

Darrin!

Let me explain.

No need to explain.

One picture is worth 10,000 words.

Sam, are you jealous?

Well, what do you expect?

You really are jealous, aren't you?

How can you grin at a time like this?

I mean, you really are involved.

Involved?

I'm married to you.

Yes, but you love me!

Ohh!

It's marvelous!

Darrin, you don't care?

Oh...

How you say it?

C'est la vie.

You knew!

Yes, I knew. And I also thought you were Barbara.

Why didn't you tell me you knew I was Michelle?

Because I thought you were playing dirty pool.

Now, suppose I'd risen to the bait.

I knew you wouldn't.

You weren't so smug a few minutes ago.

Perfectly normal reaction

for a wife who loves her husband.

Now, Sam, you're playing a very dangerous game.

Now, just supposing

that Barbara had responded to my advances.

Oh, darling, don't be silly.

She wouldn't have done that.

Why not?

Well, what would she want

with a funny-looking guy like you?

[♪♪♪]