Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

Okay, now you can open.

Ooh! Champagne! What's the occasion?

The occasion is

our first quiet evening at home in two weeks.

I intend to toast you in blank verse

and whisper sweet nothings till sunrise.

Aren't you sweet?

First, we remove the protective wiring,

then we pry loose the cork with a resounding...

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Chime.

Who dares intrude on blank verse and sweet nothings?

I don't know,

but we're gonna get rid of whoever it is in a hurry.

Oh, Mr. Kravitz!

Good evening, Mrs. Stephens,

Mr. Stephens.

Good evening, Mr. Kravitz.

I dropped by to give you some neighborhood gossip.

Well, could you tell us tomorrow, Mr. Kravitz?

It's late and we were...

Mrs. Kravitz and I just split up.

Oh, no!

We had a championship fight.

Round one began with a dispute

over which drawer I should keep my socks in.

Round 10 ended with me

storming out of the house to go to my club.

Why don't you go to your club?

I was so mad,

I didn't realize I don't have one.

Until I was out the door,

which Mrs. Kravitz childishly locked behind me.

And when I rang the bell, she didn't open it.

She probably didn't hear you, Mr. Kravitz.

Why don't you go back and...

I rang 20 minutes nonstop.

I said, "Gladys, let me in. I'll catch pneumonia."

And she didn't answer?

She answered.

She gave me the name of a good doctor.

Would you care

to plead with her on the phone?

No. I refuse to stoop to her level of immaturity.

I'll sleep in the gutter.

Comes morning, she'll find her sole source of support

frozen, dead!

You'll do no such thing!

You'll stay in our guest room.

And come morning,

when tempers have subsided,

you and Mrs. Kravitz will make up.

You're both very kind.

Tough luck, Gladys.

I'm going to live.

Oh.

Would you care to join us in a glass of champagne?

Thanks, but not at bedtime.

Oh, all right, Mr. Kravitz.

The guest room

is the first door

to the left on the top of the stairs.

At bedtime, I drink piping-hot cocoa,

if it's not too much trouble.

Oh, no. No trouble at all.

Hurry back, honey, before the champagne gets cold.

Coming, darling.

[♪♪♪]

Oh, boy.

That Mr. Kravitz sure is a good sleeper.

He's also a good snorer,

with amazing long-range reverberation.

There was a fleeting moment there around 3:00 A.M.

when I thought

we were under attack by enemy aircraft.

In a way, it's kind of cute.

Cute?

Honey, there's nothing cute about staying awake all night,

listening to stereophonic snoring.

I meant it's kind of cute that after 30 years of marriage,

a couple can still have a lover's quarrel.

You think that's all it is?

Oh, of course.

In the clear light of day,

they'll both see how ridiculous it is.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

That must be the lady in question

come to claim her lost sheep.

Say baa-baa to her lost sheep.

I'll clean up those things later.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hello, Mrs. Kravitz.

Good morning.

Won't you come in?

Something the matter?

To the naked eye,

this looks like the average American home.

Uh, Mrs. Stephens,

are you by any chance harboring my husband?

Yes. I hope you don't mind.

It was very late and he didn't have...

Don't apologize. This is a free country.

Don't tell me

you're going home to mother?

These are Mr. Kravitz's clothes.

Tell him he can keep his socks

any place he chooses.

Mrs. Kravitz, do you seriously...?

The home is half mine.

Why should I move and leave it to him

Let him move and leave it to me.

Mrs. Kravitz, do you seriously...?

He can keep the car. I'll keep the house.

I'll try again.

Mrs. Kravitz, do you seriously mean...?

I do!

The 30-year partnership of Abner and Gladys Kravitz

is finished,

washed up, dissolved.

Just because of a pair of socks?

Now, Mrs. Kravitz, I know...

The socks are just a symbol.

A symbol of what?

Of Mr. Kravitz's crummy neurosis.

He's neurotic, you know?

Oh, he's so neurotic

that a normal person like you...

A normal person like me might what?

Uh, nothing.

I forgot to whom I was speaking.

Will you give Mr. Kravitz this note?

And tell him if he wishes to reply to it,

to have his attorney contact my attorney.

Pardon me, ladies, but I have to go to work.

Where's Mrs. Kravitz?

She left.

Alone? Alone.

Darrin, this is much more serious

than you predicted.

I didn't predict anything.

She's contemplating divorce.

That was the best sleep I've had in months.

Mrs. Kravitz snores.

Mr. Kravitz,

I'm afraid I have some bad news.

No fresh orange juice?

No.

Hey, that's my suitcase.

How about that?

It's packed.

What did Mrs. Kravitz say when she brought it over?

She left you this note.

This is shocking!

She has the penmanship of a 10-year-old child.

Never mind the penmanship, what does it say?

It says, "Farewell forever."

If you don't have fresh orange juice,

I'll have a half a grapefruit.

We have fresh orange juice.

We have fresh orange juice every morning.

Mr. Kravitz,

why aren't you pounding your head in misery?

Because I'm not miserable.

Well, you should be!

If I wrote you a "Farewell forever" note,

wouldn't you be miserable?

I certainly would!

Because she's my wife

and Mrs. Kravitz is your wife.

I know. Want to trade?

I'll give you Gladys and 18 pairs of socks.

Mr. Kravitz, we're disappointed in you.

Aren't you gonna fight for her?

I'm undecided.

It depends on how much I enjoy not fighting with her.

I'll get dressed for breakfast.

[WHISTLES]

Shouldn't you go to work?

Yes, and so should you.

What does that mean?

It means you should go to work

getting Mr. Kravitz back where he belongs

before I get home from work tonight. How?

I haven't the faintest idea,

but being a devoted wife and witch,

I'm sure you'll think of something.

Know what I mean?

Darrin!

Sweetheart, I'm home.

Come give me a passionate kiss.

Okay, pucker up.

That's passionate?

Mr. Kravitz, may I speak to my wife alone, please?

Sure. I'll start the Brussels sprouts.

Sweetheart, when I left this morning...

Brussels sprouts?

Well, he said if it wasn't too much trouble,

he'd like to show me a special recipe.

I hate Brussels sprouts!

Well, he likes them and he's our guest.

Why?

When I left this morning, I said make him disappear!

No, you didn't.

You asked me to get him back where he belongs.

That's much harder than making him disappear.

You could make him disappear from our house

and appear in his house.

Wouldn't do any good.

He'd see where he was and come right back.

Samantha, you're stalling.

Well...

You've used your powers

to solve much tougher problems than this.

Since when do you want me to use witchcraft?

You always want me not to.

That's true. However... However what?

This time, I'm willing to make an exception.

MR. KRAVITZ: Mrs. Stephens?

Yes?

If it's not too much trouble, where do I find the anchovies?

Second cabinet to the right.

Thank you.

Why does he need anchovies?

To stuff the Brussels sprouts.

Yuck!

You can make him disappear from our house

and appear in San Francisco.

Darrin, our aim isn't merely to get rid of him.

It's to reunite him with his wife.

Send her to San Francisco too.

They have to reunite of their own free will.

Of course, I suppose

I could go and see Mrs. Kravitz

and try to reason with her, wife to wife.

When?

Now?

Fine.

Good luck.

Brussels sprouts.

[CRYING]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Mrs. Kravitz, I...

There's been an accident!

Mrs. Kravitz, your husband is in perfectly good health.

Scout's honor?

Scout's honor.

I'm sorry to hear it.

Could we go in and sit down and have a little talk?

Why not?

If Mr. Kravitz asked you to beg me to forgive him,

you're wasting your time.

Oh, he didn't beg me, Mrs. Kravitz.

As a matter of fact, he doesn't even know.

I'm doing very nicely without him.

I like this peace and quiet.

I was gonna throw that in the garbage.

Oh, were you?

Or were you looking at it because you miss him?

Absolutely not!

I wouldn't miss him with a 10-foot pole.

I like this peace and quiet.

[SOBS] Oh, Mrs. Stephens.

I miss him so much, I don't know what to do.

I'm an unhappy ship floating down a lonely river,

and this is my ninth handkerchief today.

Mrs. Kravitz, I am sorry.

I'll tell Mr. Kravitz to come home right away.

Over my dead body!

I want him to want to come home.

I want him to get on his hands and knees

and say that he can't live without me.

What if he's too stubborn to admit it?

I'll kill him.

Oh, I see.

You have just as much pride as he,

and he's the man,

so it's up to him to make the first move.

I stand on that principle. Is that unreasonable?

No, Mrs. Kravitz, I can't say that it is.

What would you say to a little compromise plan?

By whom?

By me...

and our mutual living room windows.

I just took a king. You're not concentrating.

I guess I was still thinking about

the Brussels sprouts stuffed with anchovies.

Gin.

Guess who I can see from here.

Why, it's Mrs. Kravitz.

Loser deals.

She has a new hairdo.

Yes, I noticed.

Very becoming.

Did you see her negligee?

Oh, yes. Very dainty and feminine.

That's enough shuffling. Deal!

Boy, when Mrs. Abner Kravitz puts her mind to it,

she sure can look appealing.

[INAUDIBLE]

I don't want it. Do you?

Gin.

On the first card?

What luck!

It wasn't luck. It was skill.

Samantha, I'm not a man given to rash statements,

but Abner Kravitz,

alias "The Brussels sprouts kid,"

has been our houseguest for two nights.

And this is the second day, and I have had it!

Shh.

Which upsets you more?

The sonic-boom snoring or the Brussels sprouts?

What I object to most is the invasion of our privacy.

I'd always hoped that our family would be enlarged,

but what I had in mind was a baby.

Well, cheer up. We've got one.

A middle-aged,

bouncing baby boy.

He misses his wife

just as much as his wife misses him.

He'd go back to her in a second

if his ego weren't playing such a silly game

of who's going to crack first.

I'll tell you who's going to crack... I am!

Darrin!

Good morning, my genial hosts.

Good morning.

Mrs. Stephens, if it isn't too much trouble,

would you mind taking my shirts

in your delivery to the laundry today?

Thank you very much.

Mr. Kravitz,

I have observed that whenever you ask my wife for a favor,

you always finish or start with the words

"If it's not too much trouble."

And I end with "Thank you."

I always try to be polite.

That is very admirable.

However, there are certain requests

that are too much trouble.

SAMANTHA: Now, not at all, darling.

Mr. Kravitz, you just set them down over there.

I'll be happy to take them for you.

Thanks.

Oh, Mr. Stephens?

What?

You had the paper first yesterday.

It's my paper, isn't it?

Okay, if that's your attitude, I'll get my paper.

Excuse me.

How do you do, Madam? I represent...

Kiss me!

I beg your pardon?

Kiss me.

I want to make my husband jealous.

Lady, don't go to extremes.

If you don't want to buy, just slam the door in my face.

Darrin?

What?

Can you sleep?

No.

Neither can I.

Bet I know why.

Why?

We've gotten so adjusted to Mr. Kravitz's snoring,

that the one night he doesn't, it keeps us awake.

That's probably it.

Doesn't make any sense, but that's probably it.

Sort of at a standstill, aren't we?

Mm-hmm.

You have any ideas?

No. Do you?

Yes, but it's only half an idea.

Now, since we can't reunite

the Kravitzes while they're awake,

perhaps I can reunite them while they're asleep.

It sounds logical.

I thought if by witchcraft...

I gave each of them

the same dream at the same time...

Go ahead, I'm listening.

That's all.

That's why it's only half an idea.

Some kind of dream

that would make them realize how much they love each other,

so when they woke up,

they'd rush into each other's arms!

Exactly!

Suggest a dream.

You suggest a dream. It's your half an idea.

It should be about a time

when they were both blissfully happy.

Like when they were single.

That's perfect.

Sam, I was being sarcastic.

That's absolutely perfect!

When is the happiest day in a man's life

in relation to his wife before they were married?

When he first finds out

she isn't going to need $3,000 worth of dental work.

Wrong.

The day he proposes and she accepts.

It's the happiest day for her too.

Possibly.

Possibly?

Wasn't it the happiest day for you?

I guess so.

Yes, it was.

Same here. So that's what I'll do.

I'll make them both dream of his proposal...

Don't go away.

I'll be right back.

Abner and Gladys Kravitz, sweet dreams.

[GIGGLING]

How was your class in Home Ec?

Oh, keen.

How was your class in Business Ed?

Keen.

But my favorite class is Scandinavian Lit.

So's mine.

Why? You tell me first.

Well, my favorite class is Scandinavian Lit...

because in it I sit next to

a certain Miss Gladys Gruber.

Gladys Gruber. Some name!

I think it's beautiful.

It's too guttural.

Gladys Gruber, Gladys Gruber.

Maybe you'd like to change it.

Change it to what?

To Gladys Kravitz.

It isn't much of an improvement, but...

Gladys...

I love you.

I've loved you from the moment

you fell off the truck on my fraternity hayride.

I want you to be my wife,

to travel my life highway, sharing my joys and sorrows.

Abner, is this a proposal?

If it wasn't a proposal, would I have bought this?

[SQUEALS]

It's keen!

You've got your fingers over the diamond.

I wanted to buy you a diamond as big as my heart,

but they don't make one.

Even if they did, I couldn't afford it.

This is big enough.

My needs are simple:

kindness, understanding, a nice winter coat.

Does that mean the answer is yes?

Didn't you know it would be?

I wasn't sure. I only hoped.

"As the years glide swiftly by,

our love will bloom in beauty like a rose."

Oh!

[GIGGLING]

The end.

Now all I have to do

is wake them up

and let them take it by themselves from here.

Fascinating!

What?

Being married to you.

Will it work?

I hope so.

Gladys! Where are you?

Abner.

Abner, where are you?

Now, let's go look out the window.

At what?

At their reunion.

Abner!

Gladys!

You know what might be a nice touch?

What?

The way they do it in the movies.

[♪♪♪]

Well, that's that.

Congratulations.

I just started the ball rolling.

It wouldn't have worked if they didn't love each other.

As much as we do?

Maybe.

No. No, that is impossible.

Ooh!

Okay. Whoops.

Now, where's the blank verse? Well...

Here you are.

There once was a girl named Sam...

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi. I'm back.

We're both here this time.

How nice.

To thank you for your hospitality,

and also to give you a small token of our esteem.

Thank you very much.

Yes, but you shouldn't have.

It's an expensive vegetable dish.

You were so good to Abner.

I have a funny feeling

it was you who put us back together again.

A very funny feeling.

Oh, it's beautiful!

Thank you again.

Ideal for Brussels sprouts.

I brought some champagne,

but I see you've got some already.

DARRIN: Yes.

We were planning on celebrating our reunion too.

Maybe we shouldn't intrude.

Intrude? On these people?

You gotta be kidding.

Right?

Right.

We'll cool the champagne and make a night of it.

Right?

Darrin?

Right.

Here's to dreams.

That come true.

I'll drink to that.

[♪♪♪]