Original subtitles

MAN [OVER RADIO]: On your way out?

If you want to make sure you have a good time, stop.

Go to the nearest mirror and take a good look at yourself.

Are you really attractive?

I mean, as attractive as you can be?

We don't think so.

Maybe it's your hair.

Yes, hair.

Ever wanted to see yourself as a flaming redhead?

We think you can be a knockout.

We can make you anything you want to be.

And remember, if you don't like the result,

you can easily rinse it out.

Use our brand of magic.

Even your neighbors won't recognize you.

Perhaps you'd be happier as a brunette.

We guarantee you'll be a knockout in any color

[DOORBELL RINGS]

with Tortoise and Hare,

H-A-R-E, color preparations.

It's the old story of the tortoise and the hare.

[CLICKS RADIO OFF]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hello, Mrs. Stephens.

I ran out of sugar and I wondered if...

[GASPS]

Ooh!

Is something the matter?

Your hair changed color.

It's a wig.

You sure got it on fast.

[GASPS]

What happened to the mirror that was hanging there?

What mirror?

Well, I was sure I saw a mirror,

and you were looking, uh...

Mrs. Kravitz, why don't we go into the kitchen?

I'll get you your sugar.

Does your husband like your hair like that?

Well, he hasn't seen it yet. I want it to be a surprise.

He doesn't like you as a blond?

Oh, well, it isn't that.

I think that every man likes

a little variety in his daily life, don't you?

Besides, it's easy to become bored with the same old face.

You may be right.

Come to think of it,

Abner hasn't been his old self lately.

You sure one cup's gonna be enough?

He doesn't even kiss me good night anymore.

Last night he just shook my hand.

Well, some people have different ways

of showing affection.

It wasn't even a friendly handshake.

Excuse me.

[♪♪♪]

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello? Hi, honey.

Oh, hi, sweetheart. Everything okay?

Sure, why?

I thought something had gone wrong,

and you couldn't make it.

Honey, I wouldn't let anything interfere with tonight.

I just wanted to ask you to bring

that mystery story I was reading.

Oh, I'll put it in with the things I packed.

And I'll meet you in the hotel lobby at 6:00.

At 6. Bye, sweetheart.

Bye.

You going away someplace?

Darrin and I are spending the night at the President Hotel.

We do that once in a while. What for?

Well, to get away from the drudgery of everyday life.

We relax, have a nice dinner in our room,

get to know each other all over again

without having to worry about

phones that ring, dishes to wash.

You know how it is.

Hm. I'm trying to remember.

You mean Mr. Stephens goes for that romantic stuff?

Well, I don't think he'd want any of his friends to know,

but just between you and me, I think he enjoys it.

I've got to hand it to you, Mrs. Stephens.

You certainly know how to keep the magic in your marriage.

Well, I keep trying.

I thought we'd use a distinctive motif

in the campaign, Larry.

I have a few sketches in the office

I'd like you to take a look at.

And...

Larry?

Pretty girl. Uh-huh.

I have a couple of ideas on the subject.

So have I.

I was thinking of the campaign.

Oh.

All the letters for you to sign are on your desk, Mr. Stephens.

Thanks, Ellen.

Here, take a look at these, Larry.

See what you think.

Larry?

Larry, will you put your eyeballs back

and take a look at these?

Look, just because I'm married doesn't mean I'm dead.

It's very frustrating

when I think of all that charm and sex appeal going to waste.

Ellen's?

No, mine.

You talk a great game, Larry,

but I think you're a sheep in wolf's clothing.

Now will you please take a look at these?

Maybe we can go over 'em on the train tonight.

No, I'm staying in town tonight. Yeah?

Look, I'm half-planning on meeting Louise in town.

Give Sam a call, and the four of us could make a night of it.

Uh, no, I'm afraid we can't make it tonight.

I have something to take care of.

Well, there's nothing pressing here, is there?

No, it's a personal matter.

Maybe some other time, huh?

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Yes?

Sure, put her on.

It's for you. Louise.

Hi, honey. Decided on what you wanna do yet?

Oh, I don't care. What do you wanna do?

I don't know. What do you wanna do?

Oh, anything. But you make up your mind.

I'll do anything you wanna do.

Okay. Let's go to a ball game.

No, I don't wanna do that.

Since I'm already in town,

why don't I go to the ball game on my own, hm?

Well, okay.

Maybe I'll give Samantha a call and drop over there.

You do that, and I'll pick you up over there later.

Want company for dinner?

Sorry, Larry. I have an appointment.

Oh.

Well... see you tomorrow.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Yes?

Mr. Stephens, the President Hotel just called

and confirmed your reservations for tonight.

All right.

Did you say Darrin had reservations

at the President Hotel?

Yes, sir.

Why, that son of a gun.

I beg your pardon?

That boy deserves an Oscar.

He had me completely convinced.

Who?

Never mind.

That son of a gun.

Got a light?

Mm-hmm. Sure.

My, you do have strong hands.

I beg your pardon.

Sam!

[GIGGLES]

What have you done to yourself?

What do you think of the new me?

Well, I don't know.

I don't think the old model is quite obsolete yet.

Thank you, darling.

Bleachers? That all you got?

Afraid so, Mr. Tate.

But I'll freeze without a coat.

Yeah, but it should be a great game.

Ohhh. Not worth pneumonia.

I think I'll skip it.

[♪♪♪]

That son of a gun.

There. That better? Much.

What did you do with the wig?

Oh, easy come, easy go.

How could I ever possibly

become interested in anyone else?

What brought that on?

Well, never mind.

Sam, can I ask you a hypothetical question?

Yes, I'd know.

What?

If you became interested in another woman.

You really have that sort of power?

That's for me to know, and you better not try and find out.

You wanna watch some TV?

No, I thought I'd finish

that mystery story I was reading.

I only have three chapters left to go.

Where is it, honey?

I knew I'd forgotten something.

Oh, Sam, I specifically asked you to bring it.

Well, there's no problem. I'll pop home and get it.

It'll only take a minute.

Never mind.

You wanna know who the murderer is, don't you?

Well...

Only be a second.

Sometimes I think I'm married to Peter Pan.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh! Uh, Larry, what are you doing here?

Well, isn't Louise here?

No, she isn't.

Well, that's funny.

I guess she decided to stay home after all.

Well, I'm sorry, Sam. I guess I disturbed you.

Oh, I wasn't going to bed.

As a matter of fact,

I was just gonna get dressed and go out.

At this time of night?

Yes, I thought I'd surprise Darrin.

Oh.

He's working late at the office.

I thought I'd pick him up, and we could get something to eat.

Can I offer you some coffee or something?

No. No, thanks, Sam. I...

I have some business to attend to.

Bye. Good night.

GLADYS: Abner!

Uh-huh?

I've got a surprise!

Mm-hmm.

[♪♪♪]

Hi there.

Hi.

You've had your nose stuck in that book all day.

I wanna see how it turns out.

It's about the Civil War!

The North won!

Let me find out for myself, huh?

Abner?

What is it, Gladys?

I want you to look at me.

So? I'm looking.

But you're not seeing me.

You haven't really looked at me in years.

I don't have to. I already committed you to memory.

Abner, don't you notice something different?

Oh, you bought new shoes?

[GROWLS]

[GRUNTING]

[♪♪♪]

Did you find out who done it?

Mm-hm. Wouldn't have been able to sleep if I hadn't.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[KNOCKING]

What's a seven-letter word...?

LARRY: Darrin, open up. It's Larry.

How did he know...?

Oops.

I'd better make myself scarce.

Sam.

Honey, you don't have to hide. W...

Sa...

[KNOCKING CONTINUES]

[SIGHS]

[LAUGHS]

You son of a gun.

What?

I should've known.

The quiet ones are always the worst.

Have you been drinking, Larry? Oh, come on, Darrin.

I saw the brunette downstairs.

Brunette?

Oh, that brunette.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

That was Samantha.

Boy, you never give up, do you?

I'm telling you, that was Samantha.

Oh, come on, Darrin. I saw her with my own eyes.

Now, you come on, Larry.

Samantha? Samantha?

Come on out. Appear before me. Darrin, this is silly.

Let's go, Sam. Come on.

You don't have to put on an act for me.

Let's go, Sam.

Darrin, I was just at your house talking to Sam.

I don't care if you...

You were what?

Twenty minutes ago. I drove here like a maniac. But...

You gonna tell me this Sam can be in two places

at the same time?

No, I'm not gonna tell you that.

You son of a gun.

Well... you got me, Larry.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Yeah, you're right.

Nobody's perfect, right? Right.

I hate to be inhospitable, but, you know...

Sure.

Oh.

Wait, I better tell you why I'm here.

Why?

Sam's on her way to the office.

So if I were you, I'd get on over there, boy.

Oh, thanks. Thanks a lot.

You son of a gun.

Oh, great.

Samantha? Samantha!

I'm not sure I like his attitude.

It's entirely too... French.

Why didn't you tell me you saw Larry?

You never asked.

The doorbell rang, so I answered it.

Did you have to answer it?

How could I possibly know it was Larry?

I thought you were pretty good at that thing.

You needn't get huffy.

What am I gonna tell him?

If I tell him the truth,

he's liable to suspect that you're a, you know.

Go ahead, Darrin.

You can say it. You're among friends. "Witch."

Samantha, Larry's eaten up with curiosity.

He's not going to stop until he finds out

who the other woman is.

Darling, you've done nothing to be ashamed of.

There's nothing wrong with being interested in two women...

[SILENTLY] What?

As long as they're both your wife.

LOUISE: Oh, I meant to tell you.

The other night, instead of going to Samantha's,

I went with Mabel to the high school play.

Her son was very good.

Mmm?

Larry, are you listening to me?

Sure I am.

Anyway, on the way home,

we were attacked by two masked bandits,

knocked unconscious and shipped to the casbah.

Glad you had a nice time, dear.

Don't you think it's a little undignified for a man your age

to have a lifetime subscription to a magazine like that?

It has some very interesting articles.

Sure, and they all fold out.

I meant, it has intellectual content.

You mean the girls wear glasses?

Louise, every man likes to look at pretty girls.

It's a normal, healthy American pastime.

Something you wives don't understand.

Because it's not true. Some men grow up.

Name one.

Well...

Darrin, for one.

I bet he doesn't ogle girls.

Well... Darrin's not as perfect as you think.

You mean he buys magazines like that?

He doesn't have to.

Because he's married to Samantha?

I mean...

Of course, that's what I meant.

No, you didn't. What are you trying to hide?

Why do you think I'm trying to hide something?

Your skull is moving back and forth.

It always does that when you're hiding something.

Louise, you can question me all night,

and you'll never find out a thing.

Darrin?

Now can I go to sleep?

You actually saw this brunette?

Louise, if you breathe a word of this to anyone, I'll...

I'll cut off your charge accounts.

Poor Samantha.

Especially to Samantha.

Now repeat after me:

I promise I will not mention this to Samantha.

Oh, Larry.

Say it. Oh, okay.

I promise I will not mention this to Samantha.

[GROANS]

Hello, Samantha?

Yes, this is Samantha.

May I speak to Darrin, please?

Is that you, Louise?

How are you, dear? How have you been feeling?

Oh, just fine.

Well, I just want you to know you're not alone.

You always have friends if you need them.

Well, thank you, Louise. I'll get Darrin.

I think she knows.

Did she say so?

No, but she's treating me as if you just died.

I don't see how she could know. Hello, Louise.

Good morning, bluebeard.

She knows.

I realize you can't talk, so just listen.

Meet me in the lobby of the President Hotel

this afternoon at 3:00.

And promise not to tell Larry.

I want to talk some sense into you. Goodbye.

Okay...

What'd she say?

She's determined to save our marriage.

I don't like this, Samantha.

Well, neither do I.

I guess there's only one thing you can do.

Tell her you're a witch?

No.

Listen to her, look guilty

and promise to give her up.

Her?

The other woman.

Obviously, one of me has got to go.

[FLUTE PLAYING LIVELY MELODY]

Abner, I'm home.

Well, don't you have anything to say?

Did you remember to get my corn plasters?

Put that flute down.

I wanna talk to you.

Abner, don't you ever think of romance anymore?

Gladys, please. I'm retired.

We've got to face facts.

Now, over the years

we've come to take each other for granted.

Well, I think we should do something about it.

Now, what have you got in mind?

I've made a reservation at a hotel downtown.

We'll spend the weekend there,

away from the drudgery of everyday living.

We'll relax and really get to know each other again.

How about it, Abner?

I don't know, Gladys.

It seems like a lot of trouble to save a marriage.

Besides, I know you well enough already.

Oh, no, you don't. Look at me carefully.

There's something different about me.

Now, what is it Abner?

Is it animal, vegetable or mineral?

Ooh!

Darrin in his office?

No, he left the building about 10 minutes ago.

Three in the afternoon?

Did he say where he's going, or when he'd be back?

No, he didn't.

Well, I've got to get hold of him.

Look, get Mrs. Stephens on the phone.

I'll take it here.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Uh, Sam, this is Larry.

Do you, by any chance, know where Darrin is?

Why? Is something wrong?

Well, we had a meeting scheduled for tomorrow morning.

I just heard from the client,

and he has to leave for the West Coast tonight.

He wanted the meeting pushed up to 4 this afternoon.

Unfortunately, I can't find Darrin.

Well, you might try paging him

in the lobby of the President Hotel.

The President Hotel?

Yes, he's meeting someone there.

Thanks, Sam.

You're welcome, Larry. Bye.

I know that young people have trouble

adjusting to each other

in their first year of marriage, but...

You're right, Louise.

And I promise to give her up. It was just one of those things.

I'd better get back to the office.

Sit down. I'm not through with you yet.

[♪♪♪]

Now, you know, I wouldn't be here, Darrin,

if I weren't very fond of you.

I realize that, Louise.

[GASPS] Louise.

Abner?

What did you do to your head?

You noticed.

Well, who wouldn't?

It looks like you just stuck your finger in a light socket.

Well, You didn't before.

Before what?

When I wore the platinum wig and the blond wig.

Well, I couldn't notice that. I'm color-blind.

Color-blind?

You knew that.

That's wonderful.

I thought you didn't care,

but you were only color-blind.

I'll get your medicine, Gladys.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, hi, Larry.

You philanderer, you. What?

Oh, no wonder you wouldn't tell me what the girl's name was.

Why... No, no, don't try to lie about it.

All the pieces have fallen into place

to make a horrible picture.

Larry, you're supposed to be liberal-minded

about this sort of thing, right?

You go near Louise again, and you're fired.

What is this? An old witch's cure?

Nope, a young witch's cure, called beefsteak.

I'm worried about this whole plan.

We've got to do something

to patch up your friendship with Larry.

Also, I can't let something I did

come between Larry and Louise.

Can't we just tell him our story

instead of staging this ridiculous scene?

Certainly.

All you have to do is say,

"Larry, my wife is a w..."

Forget it.

Where's Larry now?

In his office.

Mm-hmm.

Louise should be here any minute.

Good.

[DOOR OPENS]

Hi, honey.

Ho-ho!

I love the way your face

lights up when I enter a room.

What do you expect?

What's the matter, Larry?

You look like you just lost your best friend.

Huh. Who cares about that?

Are you coming down with something?

Maybe you need a shot.

That's the best idea I've heard all day.

Larry, you wanna tell me what's bothering you?

Louise...

where were you today? [GASPS]

Oh. You found out, huh?

Yes, I found out.

Oh, darn.

I specifically told Darrin not to mention it to you.

Is that all you've got to say?

Well, it is rather disappointing.

I mean, who can you trust these days?

Oh, Louise.

[GROANS]

[WOMAN GIGGLING]

What's that?

I don't know.

Darrin, you promised.

Promised what?

Hello there.

Hi.

I don't even wanna talk to you, you... You...

You...

Samantha?

Who else would be kissing Darrin?

Darrin, what happened to your eye?

Yes, er, what happened to your eye, Darrin?

Larry hit me.

Who? You.

He thought you were the other woman in the hotel room.

He thought what?

[LAUGHS] Oh, darling.

You've just made my day.

I told you I went to the high school play with Mabel.

But, as usual, you weren't listening.

I still have the program.

I believe you.

Louise met Darrin in the hotel this afternoon

because she believed what you told her the other night.

She thought she'd be able to help.

But you promised me you wouldn't

say anything to Samantha.

Now look at the mess you've cau...

Oh, forget it.

SAMANTHA: I have an idea.

Good.

Why don't we all go out somewhere and celebrate?

I'll buy that.

You must let me try your wig on sometime later.

I don't think it'll fit, Louise.

It was custom-made for my head.

Darrin...

just a moment.

Ha...?

How did Samantha get from your house

to the hotel in less than 20 minutes?

She, um...

She's a witch!

[CHUCKLES]

You son of a gun.

[♪♪♪]