Original subtitles

ANNOUNCER: And he swings and misses for strike three,

and they're two away here in the sixth inning,

as the bags remain loaded...

I'm ready.

Ready for what?

My first driving lesson.

Honey, the Sox are loaded at the bottom of the sixth inning.

But I thought you were so anxious...

Shh.

Yes, he's bringing in the left-hander.

It's going to be the old...

Okay, you can talk now.

Thank you.

I thought you were so anxious to teach me.

I am.

I mean, I was

until I found out they were gonna televise the game.

I'd be perfectly willing to forget the whole thing.

After all, why should I learn how to drive

when I already know how to fly?

We've been through all this.

You should learn to drive

because the way you fly is for the birds.

Look at it this way.

I get where I want to go faster,

I save money on gas and oil,

and I always find a parking space.

You should learn how to drive

because the normal wife uses normal transportation.

It's part of the American dream.

All right. All right, you win.

But teach me now so I can start dinner early.

I'll teach you as soon as the game is over.

Watching baseball on Sunday afternoon

is part of the American dream too.

Okay, fans, we're set for more live action

here at Cincinnati's historic Crosley Field.

Now the crafty left-hander gets the sign.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

I can't believe it. It's raining!

Oh, no.

Oh, look at this!

I can't believe it...

They'll cancel and reschedule.

Okay.

I'll teach you how to drive.

Yes, sir.

[♪♪♪]

Okay, honey, you sit in the driver's seat.

You comfortable? Relaxed?

Yes and no.

Clarification.

I'm comfortable, but I'm nervous.

I'll relax you with a kiss.

Now, we proceed as follows.

Put your left hand on the wheel...

and with your right hand go like this.

What's that for?

That is the classic gesture

without which no woman driver can learn to drive.

Ha, ha.

After you become more advanced,

I'll teach you how to blow on your left hand

to dry your fingernail polish

and steer with your knees.

Darrin, I'm in no mood for poor jokes.

These newfangled gadgets scare me.

Newfangled gadgets?

Well, they're new to me.

I'm sorry, sweetheart.

Well, we'll start here.

Uh, this is the gear selector.

Now, P is for park,

R, reverse,

N, neutral,

D, drive,

L, low.

You try it.

P for park, R for reverse,

N, neutral, D, drive, L for low.

Okay, we'll start with neutral.

Did I get them all right?

Yes. Neutral...

I bet you thought I wouldn't because I'm so nervous.

May I continue? Neutral is...

Please do. I'm sorry I interrupted.

Neutral is... It won't happen again.

Neutral is where you place the lever

when you want to start the car.

How come it isn't called S or SC?

I don't know.

Next you go to drive.

Drive is where you put the lever when you want to go forward.

In that case, why don't they call it F?

Because they don't.

But, Darrin, that's no answer.

If you want me to understand, you have to explain.

Excuse me.

I don't know why they don't call it F.

That's better.

Low is infrequently used,

so we'll table that for a later discussion.

We'll go directly to reverse.

Can you guess what reverse is for?

For reversing lanes in traffic.

Wrong.

For going backward.

Backward should be B.

These initials are illogical.

Having mastered the gear positions,

here's the ignition key.

They call it ignition because it ignites the engine.

The engine ignites?

Isn't that dangerous?

Sam, I'm beginning to lose patience.

If you challenge every statement I make,

this driving lesson could take a year.

Therefore, please keep quiet.

Now put the key in the ignition.

Put the lever in neutral.

Turn the key to the right to start the car.

Take off the brake.

Put the lever in reverse.

Put your right foot on the accelerator

and back out of the driveway.

Just like that?

Just like that.

Backing out of the driveway is hard.

Why don't you turn the car around and let me front out?

No.

Why not?

I don't feel like it.

I see.

You feel like being mean.

Sam, I'm not being mean. I'm merely trying...

Yes, you are.

You're being high-handed and rude,

and you even told me to shut up.

I did not. I told you to keep quiet.

It's the same thing. It is not.

It is too.

Your entire attitude is unsympathetic

and proves beyond a shadow of a doubt

that you don't love me and you never did.

Sam... Don't you touch me.

The lesson is over,

and I am going into the H... for house!

[CLICK]

ANNOUNCER: It's incredible, fans.

The playing field here in Cincinnati

is in danger of being washed away by a flash flood.

Why, in all the years I've been broadcasting, I've never seen...

Oh, hold everything!

It's stopped raining.

Crosley Field is saved

as if by magic.

I do believe the umpires

will be out here in just a moment...

but certainly, the field is safe.

Hello, sweetheart.

This is your husband, D.

D for dearest or D for darling?

D for dumb.

I'm sorry I yelled at you in the car yesterday.

You apologized already, remember?

Yeah, I remember.

Anyway, I called the driving school

and made a tentative appointment for you at 11:00.

If that's all right with you, I'll confirm it.

Are you sure you want me to go through with this?

By all means.

And don't be nervous, sweetheart.

This time you'll be in the hands of a professional.

I'm sure everything will be fine.

All right, darling, whatever you say.

Bye.

[RINGS]

Reliable Driving School.

Oh, yes, Mr. Stephens, yeah.

Oh, yes, you understand it's 10 bucks a lesson,

including home pickup and delivery?

Yes, I remember.

I just called to verify

Mrs. Stephens' 11:00 appointment.

Fine. 11:00 this morning will be fine, Mr. Stephens.

Let me have that address, please.

It's 1164 Morning Glory Circle.

Uh-huh.

Fine.

Well, thank you, Mr. Stephens.

I will send Mrs. Stephens

one of the best instructors in the business.

Thank you.

Harold, you bum, come here!

[CLATTERING]

Yes, Basil?

Due to the condition

that all of my competent instructors are booked solid,

I'm going to give you one last chance to redeem yourself.

Oh, I can't tell you how grateful I am.

Sincerely...

All right, all right. Now, don't grovel.

If you weren't my wife's brother,

I wouldn't give you nothing!

Oh, I'm not unmindful of that, Basil.

As you know, I've got three other married sisters,

but you're the only brother-in-law

that I feel any sense of communication with.

Yeah, because their suits don't fit you.

It's a nice fit, thank you.

That's what I mean.

You are basically a... A good human being.

Has, uh, Sheila ever talked to you about what I was like

when we were kids at home with Mom?

Sheila talks all the time, I don't listen.

It was a world of little women.

Four sisters, Mother and... Aunt Adelaide.

No wonder Dad reported himself missing in action

during the last unpleasantness.

I mean, there's just so much...

Wait a minute. Hold it, hold it!

I don't know how Sheila talked me into this.

You're too nervous for this kind of work.

But you are the only thing I got,

so you are gonna teach a Mrs., um...

Savannah Stephens

how to operate a motor automobile.

And you are gonna teach her good!

And if you fail,

our mutual relative

irregardless and not withstanding,

you are fired!

And stop eating cookies when I'm giving you an assignment!

Basil, this isn't a cookie.

No? What is it?

A tranquillizer.

I need such a big one,

the doctor prescribes it in the form of a wafer.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'm Reliable.

That's good.

My name's Samantha Stephens.

Aren't you gonna tell me yours?

Harold Harold here.

Hello, hello there.

[GIGGLES]

I'm... I'm sorry, but it is rather an unusual name.

By the time Mother named my sisters, she was exhausted.

Oh, I see.

Would you like to join me in a cup of coffee?

Do you think we can both fit?

I always like to open with a joke to break the tension.

Good idea.

Won't you have a seat?

Yes.

How do you take it? [CRASH]

Uh, black.

One-third of a cup.

Why only one-third?

To protect the carpet.

There.

Thank you. [RATTLING]

I see what you mean.

Cookie?

Oh, no thanks. I brought my own.

Mr. Harold.

Mm-hmm?

How long have you been an instructor?

Three grueling weeks.

What did you do before that?

Last month I was a cashier in a pizza parlor,

and the month before,

I was an apprentice plumber,

and the month before that...

I was a cheap shoe salesman.

Four jobs in four months?

I have four brothers-in-law

who take turns hiring and firing me.

It's a vicious circle.

And that's why I tend to be insecure.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello.

Hi, honey.

I'm calling to find out if your driving teacher showed up.

Oh, yes, he's here.

He is? What's he like?

Well, I'd say he's a man of considerable experience.

As long as I know you're in good hands,

I won't keep you.

Happy driving.

Thank you, darling. Bye.

That was my husband.

He called to wish me good luck.

We'll need it.

Well, shall we go?

I guess.

Oh, do I get in here?

No, no. You get in the driver's side, Mrs. Stephens.

Some of my students take one look at me

and refuse to get in the car.

Not me. I like you.

They worry about accidents.

I've always felt I have what they call a charmed life.

Oh, good.

Ready?

Ready.

Oh, dear.

N is for neutral,

where you place lever to start car.

Odd, isn't it? You'd think they'd call it S or SC.

Turn ignition key to ignite car.

Ignite car?!

That's right.

[STARTS ENGINE]

D for forward.

[TIRES SCREECH]

You're too far to the left!

Too far to the right!

Now you're too far in the middle!

How can I be too far in the middle?

By straddling the white line.

What white line?

Well, get over.

Now you're too far right again!

Please don't yell, Mr. Harold. You're making me nervous.

I make you nervous?

Mrs. Stephens, you make me nervous.

I was nervous first.

That's true.

I apologize.

Thank you.

At the next intersection slow down.

Execute the appropriate hand signal

and turn right.

Stop!

S-stop!

I told you to turn right.

[HORNS HONKING] Well, it was one way.

The wrong way.

Oh. Touché.

However, you should have gone straight ahead

because this is a business district

with actual traffic.

So back up.

[HORNS STILL HONKING]

There's a car behind us.

Well, signal it to pass.

Oh, all right, plunge onward.

Selfish! Selfish!

[BLOWING WHISTLE]

Good morning.

[BLOWING WHISTLE]

He ordered you to halt.

He did?

I thought he was saying hello.

That's all Basil has to see, a ticket.

Who's Basil?

Mrs. Stephens, don't talk, drive.

How am I doing?

How to phrase it tactfully?

You are rotten.

Be careful! There's a moving van up ahead!

W-w-what happened?

Everything's fine.

W-w-we're going the other way.

Oh.

Well, I'll make a U-turn.

No... Oh, no!

D-don't! N-not here... Th... There's no room!

You did it!

It's a lot harder than flying.

You fly?

And you don't know how to drive?

Well...

Stop the car. I can't stand another minute.

All right.

All right, I'll park.

W-where?

Here.

Why, there's barely room for a bicycle.

We're fine, Mr. Harold.

Now, there's nothing to be nervous about.

Who's nervous?

P for park.

How did you do that?

She's a witch.

Who said that?

Who said what?

I heard a voice from the back seat.

Maybe it's another witch.

The back seat is empty.

It is?

Look again.

I hear a voice,

but I don't see a body.

Mother, will you please stop playing games?

[LAUGHING]

Will you please behave yourself?

Are you talking to me?

No.

To me.

Mother, you're embarrassing me

and confusing Mr. Harold.

You're a ventriloquist, right?

Not exactly.

Oh, Samantha, you can fly.

Why on earth do you bother with this ridiculous contraption?

Mr. Harold, please don't go.

Just ignore her.

Ignore whom?

Well...

Say no more, Mrs. Stephens.

I knew it was coming. I've finally cracked.

I'll turn myself in.

What should we do with the car?

Burn it.

Sheila? Aunt Adelaide? Mom!

Mother, you put that back!

Must I?

It's Mr. Harold's car.

He is high-strung, isn't he?

You should be ashamed.

You got that poor dear man talking to himself.

I know.

And I'm sure it's a fascinating conversation.

[LAUGHING]

Darrin, it was all my fault.

Sweetheart, you were doing your best.

But Mother was in one of her prankish moods.

You mean your mother was there too?

Well, she was and she wasn't.

After I drove into the moving van

and parked the car and made the U-turn,

Mother got a case of the cutes.

What's that mean exactly?

You know.

She kept popping in and out.

Oh, boy, that poor guy.

That's what I mean.

I'd hate to think he'd lost his job because of me.

So do you mind coming with me?

Where?

To Reliable. I'll drive.

No, thanks.

I'll drive.

Yeah, well, you tell him that I've been paying the same rent

for nine years and that's as high as I'm gonna go.

[DOOR OPENS]

Greetings, folks.

Excuse the cramped quarters, but it's only temporary.

We're Mr. and Mrs. Stephens.

We brought back your car.

Oh, thanks.

You're welcome.

Is Instructor Harold here?

Former instructor Harold

is in the back cleaning out his desk.

[PHONE RINGS] Hey, excuse me.

Reliable Driving School.

Ah, yes, Miss Anderson. Can I have that address?

BASIL: Why, certainly.

We've been serving the community for years...

Hi.

Hi.

Have a wafer, Mr. Harold.

This is my husband, Mr. Stephens.

Hi.

Hi.

There's something I have to tell you.

Peachy.

Don't ask me to go into detail.

It's kind of complicated,

but that voice you heard in the car

was Mrs. Stephens' mother.

And she's a...

Sometimes I can't see her myself.

And he's her son-in-law.

Big deal.

Well, it is.

It proves that although there's plenty wrong with her,

there's nothing wrong with you.

So why not let bygones be bygones

and continue with my driving lessons?

Sorry.

I'm hanging up my helmet.

I'm gonna seek my livelihood

in a field that offers a little more human dignity.

Like what?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe begging for pennies on skid row.

Why, Mr. Harold, you can't quit

just because of one minor disaster.

Minor?

And you can't keep going from job to job,

or you'll tend to be insecure forever.

You have to stick to your wheel and see it through. Right?

Right!

Wrong.

Thanks, kids, for your interest,

but, uh, you don't understand.

I'm not quitting,

I was fired...

for a change.

Mrs. Stephenson, as a special concession,

I am going to teach you to drive myself.

No, thank you.

I'd rather be taught by Mr. Harold.

Mr. Harold is no longer in the firm.

He deserted while on duty

and abandoned his vehicle at the mercy of a rank beginner.

She didn't move that car one inch

after Mr. Harold left.

She called me at my office, I came right over and...

That ain't the point!

Mr. Harold wasn't only fired for that.

As a driving instructor in general, he stinks!

That's not true. He's excellent.

And if you don't hire him back, I'll...

I'll take my husband's money someplace else.

Okay, okay.

You found my Achilles heel.

You're back in the organization...

on a trial probation.

On behalf of myself and my sisters...

What I mean is there are times when mere words aren't enough.

Thank you.

Don't worry if I'm not here

when you get home tonight, sweetheart.

I have a lesson this afternoon.

A lesson?

Yes, my basket-weaving.

Basket-weaving?

You didn't tell me anything about that.

Oh, well, I found the most wonderful class

where they teach you how to weave things.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Baskets, carpets, all sorts of things.

Good morning, Mrs. Stephens.

Good morning.

Good morning, Mr. Stephens.

Hi.

Just popped by for a moment.

My student's waiting at the curb,

champing at the bit, you might say.

What time's class this afternoon?

Five-thirty. Will you be there?

I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Bye, all.

Well, well.

What was that all about?

I told Harold about my basket-weaving class.

It's done wonders for him.

He's given up wafers, he stands up to his brother-in-law,

and there's even talk of making him a partner in the company.

What time did you say that class was?

Five-thirty. Why?

I'll see you there.

Good.

[♪♪♪]